5am fears over money

[Skintsoskint]

Name changed for this.

Single parent to three children. I work full time, I get my tax credits, I don’t qualify for any help re school dinners etc.

Kids dad has just managed to manipulate earnings so he doesn’t pay maintenance (I can battle this but it’s not a quick fix) so all financial responsibilities fall to me. He can afford to pay, he could afford to really improve things, but he is blinded by his spite towards me and would rather see the children have nothing than allow me to have any money.

It’s Easter holidays. I’ve no money to really do much, the kids have a list of things they’d like to do, but for the four of us it’s coming in at £100 plus to get in so that’s not happening.

My house is freezing, I’ve hardly got the heating on now and if I do it’s on low, my provider has emailed to put my DD up by another £40 and even if we freeze and live in darkness my standing charge is going to cost a fortune.

Even if I managed to get a better paying job I would simply see my tax credits go down, whilst my tax and NI would go up, I could actually achieve less money for us by trying to improve our lot. That is an odd situation in itself.

Landlord put the rent up by £20 in this shitty place we rent, but we can’t move as I checked and all rents round here are now at least £100 more than they were a month or so ago, and all of them stipulate that you need to earn X times the rent and don’t apply if you don’t, of course, that knocks me out of the equation for all of those.

I’m not sure when my life became this grind tbh. I left an abusive husband and I’ve been battered by life from the word go.

The legal system/society protects people like my ex husband, whilst punishing me because I am a single parent. Somehow he can remove himself from all financial responsibilities, whilst I can’t, and I am told how I mustn’t obstruct his access to the children, but no one can make him help to feed the children he “loves so much”

I’m dreading another rise in the energy bills in October.

I just work and survive now. There’s no joy in my life anymore. I can’t afford a holiday, UK or abroad, I can’t think of anything really to focus on for when “life gets better”

This is a totally depressing post, I know. It’s just being awake at 5 after a night of feeling tearful has taken the fight out of me today.

Sadly our nearest Pantry is about 20 miles away, shame, they sound a good idea.

I have quite a lot of the food apps, but for some reason in this area these things don’t really take off too well, so they are probably of less use round here (which is a shame)

I could have written your post this time last year.

My stbxh cut the maintenance in half the same month he and his latest swanned off on their 3rd holiday that year. I was an absolute mess with the worry.

Thankfully he seems to have seen sense (funnily enough now the woman is no longer on the scene) and has promised to increase it back to what it was so I've requested it to be included in the financial settlement.

The extra 250 a month will just about cover the rise is gas bills so I'm hardly celebrating. Things are still going to be tough.

Hey, I could have written your post. It's so hard being alone and not having someone to share these worries with.

In a similar boat. My DCs have very wealthy friends, which makes things worse. One has got a job and this has helped me hugely. This won't help you, but I have a fairly good relationship with my ex. It annoys me that he's organising fancy holidays with his gf while I'm struggling to put food on the table, but I just have to accept that. Luckily he tries to maintain a good relationship with my DCs, which in his eyes means putting ApplePay on his phone and allowing access to his Amazon account. I gently encourage them to use his payment methods, and not mine. They see for themselves that he is comfortably off, gets paid more, and has a different profession to mine, whereas I'm taking on extra bits of work - but I've pointed out that I have liberty to be there for them for lifts and to cook decent meals and create a family home, etc. They are old enough to understand this. This can be a life lesson for them.

First, isolation makes this worse. It's really helpful to dip in on here and share worries like this. There's always someone around.

Here are some things I am doing:

• I'm digging my garden for a vegetable patch. Can you do that? It has helped to go into "saving the earth" mode with my kids.

• My friend used to help me cut the grass and I'd end up giving him £20 here and there. Have put a stop to it, as the £20s were getting too frequent with surprise lawn cuts when I was out. Instead, have offered to the kids that they can have this cash.

• I've called up every single utility, and haggled. Got broadband down from a proposed £27.99 a month to £19.99. Cancelled TV licence. Haggled with gas people about taking cash from my account and got credit. There's a discount they can apply to your account for (I think) £150 if you're on benefits. I have become mindful of water usage and got that down by about 1/4. I'm opting in to heating rather than opting out and have cut some trees back in my garden for a wood store.

• Made a drive with my kids to invest their cash that they get through chores & find money-making opportunities of their own, e.g. choosing their own clothes on Depop rather than getting stuff from Urban Outfitters. My DS started doing video editing and creating little things for himself, which has the added perk of keeping him busy in the holidays.

• I'm always going through yellow stickered stuff. Also, look for stuff on Freecycle. You never know. You prob already do this.

• I have an eBay rotation full of stuff around the house. Occasionally I get a burst of activity.

• Side hussles: cashback sites, I have one for receipts which gives the occasional £5 for Amazon.

• Have made a list for things that are essential: toilet roll, washing up liquid/dishwasher tabs (I only use my dw when absolutely needed) and buy in bulk.

• Finding a project that gives YOU hope. Can you write? Can you play an instrument? Something where you are creating something. It might not help financially, but the spiritual perks are high. I tell my friends now; sorry, can't come out for a meal, I'm working on my book/sewing/garden. It makes me sound antisocial, but I think they get the gist that I don't have spare cash for meals. I suggest a coffee at mine & they get to hang out while I do my chore. I've really changed my circle of friends to those who understand this. A good friend has become a single dad who is supporting 2 families (eek) and has similar worries.

The main thing has been saying to my kids - look, it's not just us, people don't tell you this stuff, it will pass, things will get better, have hope.

Tell yourself the same. It will pass. We made it through lockdown, and this will be similar.

Woah, so sorry, that was long! I am projecting massively!

Op since April first when I saw our smart meter I've been a worrying mess . We've cut back so much but it's looking like we will be paying out £400 on gas and electric per month . Then we've found out my son doesn't qualify for the free school bus in September so that's another £100 . Then bill go up again in October. I can't help you but I get what you are feeling . I'm hoping that the government will step in they'll have to do something once people start missing payments.

Sorry - I read over my post again. Hope you don't think I'm insulting you by suggestions. It was a list for me, more.

Just to clarify, after the cutting-grass man was told no more, I offered my kids the cash to do the job instead.

I've also been the product of a kid raised in poverty. Urgh, some cycles repeat.

Well your ex sounds horrible would he not even buy things directly for the children ever so that in his mind it’s for the children only?

You are totally right about the government, they don’t give a flying fig about people struggling in this country. The tax payers struggling with high bills, whose taxes pay their wages.
Could your exh be persuaded to pay money directly to the children? It’s totally wrong that he’s not being made to pay 50% towards the children’s living costs but when was this country ever fair to single parents? If he could somehow be persuaded to pay an amount per child per week at least there’d be money towards shoes, outings.

I don't have any solutions, but just wanted to say I understand how you feel. It is shit. No amount of counselling takes away the fact that bills have risen crazily, and you are getting less money as your ex has stopped paying you anything. I can especially relate to the benefit trap, the feeling of 'what's the point?' It's the exact opposite of 'making work pay' because you just end up filled with a kind of dread and terrible tiredness at how you can continue like this indefinitely when you can't rent anywhere better, can't take on more work as you'll just end up more knackered and worse off. It's mad. The person up-thread who mentioned isolation making it worse is right, having people to offload to (like us lot here, and friends in RL who are single parents or skint as hell and who therefore get it) is incredibly valuable. I don't know where you are in the world (I'm in Cornwall) but I bet some local MNers would want to connect so you felt less alone in all this. I would if you were near me.

Basically the only thing that keeps me sane is thinking that one day my DC will be grown up, can work and earn and hopefully be vaguely self-supporting, and then the terrible pressure eases a bit. It's the psychological burden as much as the exhaustion of always scrimping and saving and not being able to do nice things. Until then all you can do if have as many moments of joy as you can lever in, which is hard when you are ground down by all of the above. I find knitting soothes me, and growing stuff - I waited 3 years for an allotment and now or landlord is selling up so we might lose it again when we are forced to move somewhere where the rents are cheaper - but until then it's a source of pride and solace and the chance to maybe grow some free food. Rage digging is a thing and it's so cathartic.
Sending you loads of love OP.

As it’s the holiday and he wants to see his kids so much could you drop them off at his for the week
Just say as he he wants them more then yes here they are and don’t pack a lot of clothes and don’t give them a key to get back into yours
Only answer the kids when they ring you and only answer ex if there is a specific question you could answer
Would that work???

It sounds really tough. I am sorry you're feeling so helpless. No advice from me, but I hope you're ok.

. Someone who works full-time really shouldn't have these worries and my heart goes out to you and others like you. Hoping ex idiot gets him comeuppance financially sometime soon.

Can you approach local church's? Often they have their own version of foodbanks which don't need a referral or anything.

Thankyou to everyone who replied.
I have been out all day just trying to clear my head a bit really.

Approaching the school is a good idea as they are aware that there may be issue looming.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on the bones of my arse in the way some people are, but it’s getting to the point where if anything goes wrong I will be.

I’m working more hours than I can manage with 3 children really, but I can’t cut my hours because Tax credits will only pay a % of what I lose, and I thought I was doing the right thing getting a better job (improved my income a reasonable amount) but in actual face I’m working myself into the ground for nothing.

The sad thing is there is absolutely nothing will spur the ex on to help. One of the children asked him a while ago to go halves on a winter coat with me, he refused, and he has done that with anything requested.
One of the kids also asked him to buy them some jeans, but he said the only way he would do that is if they left the jeans at his and changed into them when they come round (currently they don’t stay) so that’s just a ridiculous situation.

I wouldn’t even ask him. You would have to know him to understand the absolute delight he will be taking in not helping me.

OP, have you checked to see what you'd get on UC. You might fare better (as a renter!) and it is more straightforward to calculate and see what you get.

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

I'm very worried too @Skintsoskint about bills going up and food
It's a massive worry and from speaking to friends I know we aren't on our own - a lot of people are worried it's a very difficult time

My house is chilly - I don't have the heating on a lot and my cupboards are looking a bit bare. My kids need new clothes and shoes too.

Someone suggested entitled to - to see if we could get any help - the online calculator said yes we should be eligable for around £500 every 4 weeks (which would have been a huge help) and then I went thru the UC application it took ages and we got a big fat zero!! And because we aren't eligable we can't access any other support either.

Rent and childcare is £1400 more than half our joint income
My partner works full time I work 30 hours and we barely keep our heads above water!!

I'm not sleeping well either so @Skintsoskint I know how your feeling bless your 🤗 💐 xx