Can happiness/gratitude cause depression and anxiety?

[SpiderSnout]

Hear me out, I know this sounds strange but I am struggling very badly and I can't get anybody to understand how I feel. So I don't know if there's something wrong with me, if I'm just not equipped to deal with life or something else. I have three children who I love above all things, they have made me so utterly happy I can't tell you. They made the world seem beautiful to me. I know that I'm lucky and I'm so grateful. But it's exactly this that has made me not able to cope. I'm consumed with worry about bad things happening to them; I feel like I can't cope with how real the world is - the reality of what's happening at the moment has obviously thrown this into even sharper relief. I feel like they are in danger all the time. I can't let myself enjoy the joy they bring because I'm frightened for them. When I've tried to explain this to my mum she tells me I should 'be grateful for what I have and count my blessings'. But I know this, and I do. Can't both things be true? The unspoken side of that phrase is a reminder that these things can be lost. And it's too much. I used to be able to box these feelings up but they've gone out of control now. I have been to see the GP - they said I sound depressed and should go on pills but i got the feeling that was just a standard response. I don't know - I just wondered if this idea of happiness causing such low mood made sense to anybody?

You love them so much and they bring you so much joy that the thought of losing them makes you despair. I think a lot of mums can relate to this. Equally you've got to find an equilibrium or you won't be able to be content and enjoy your life and your children. The world is quite scary atm. Your children will probably be fine though and so will you. I say that as an anxious mum who completely gets how you're feeling. I don't think us anxious mums are the happiest kind of mums overall. If you don't want medication have you cut out all alcohol and increased your healthy food, sleep and exercise. Alcohol, nutrition, good sleep and time outdoors walking makes a massive difference to my mood and wellbeing.

@SpiderSnout I hear ya. It’s anxiety, and I remember having really bad anxiety and actively trying to keep a gratitude diary. There was almost nothing I felt able to list, which frankly made me feel worse.

Now I’m in a much better place and I feel grateful for things I didn’t before, simply because I don’t feel this awful grinding sense of dread. If I drink alcohol, or don’t eat properly, then I feel horrible again. Out of interest, Can I ask if you are looking after your health ok? I felt as you’ve described when I drank alcohol (wasn’t even excessive, maybe a few glasses a night at most). Was a revelation when I made this connection. For you, it may be something as “simple” as getting enough sleep, or eating properly, or ensuring your health is ok (I also feel shit when vitamin D is low!). I just mention all this since improving my health (no ADs involved!) did make a difference to me, whereas “counting my blessings” did not. Regardless, I do hope you can look after yourself, anxiety sucks, and I hope you feel better soon 💐

You are so kind for replying, thank you for what you say. I know your right re diet but since this all got on top of me (probably two weeks it's been really bad) I have been having wine every night just to calm my thoughts down. I know this won't help but the evening stretches out in front of me full of scary thoughts and it's like I don't want to be fully aware

@Brunosaiditlookslikerain Funny, a bit of a cross post there! But I agree with you.

Thank you both. I think the war has intensified it. But I can't do anything about the world, I know. I feel like I don't deserve to look after myself, like I'll tempt bad things to happen if I let myself be calm or try to enjoy stuff. Oh dear

Oh I’m such a slow typer! @SpiderSnout that’s an interesting update. You really are describing how I feel when I drink. Which is annoying. Since I enjoyed/appeared to depend on drinking - in the moment. But then I began thinking how crap I’d feel the next day and it put me off. I also recommend Alan carrs anti drinking book for women, or the audio book. I read about it on here. Do give it a go. Your life will improve. X

Brene Brown talks about the experience of forboding joy. She also tells the story of an old man who spent his life worrying his wife might die. Then when she did die he said he’d wasted all that time worrying and not being fully present with her. She puts it much better than I could. Check her out.

I often feel like this. I was away this weekend and drank a lot and yesterday evening I could barely function with all the stuff going on in my head. So much anxiety. I need to stop drinking completely I think but it does work as a short term fix to stop the swirling fear in my head

I do think having children does throw up those kind of feelings. I was looking at baby photos the other day and commented that I wished I could go back in time knowing that I would bring them up to be the happy and healthy young adults they are today. I would have enjoyed it so much more. I just remember feeling the worry you describe all the time.

It does get easier as they get older and less fragile and dependent.

I understand your post. I had a wonderful day with one of my sons on Saturday, and I felt incredibly low on Sunday evening, partly because if felt entirely overwhelmed and so incredibly sad about the state of the world, climate change, covid, the threat of war, so much sadness and risk in the world.

I think our beautiful day and really enjoying the pleasures of life made me even more mindful of the awfulness that is out there - I can't quite express myself right . I know life can be beautiful. I know the world is in facing many crisis. I want my children to be happy and live in peace. It is really upsetting to think they may not.

I think we just have to try and keep perspective, and try to do our best. I'm trying to find a 'bigger' way to deal with these feelings.

You might like the attached poem.

@SpiderSnout

Thank you both. I think the war has intensified it. But I can't do anything about the world, I know. I feel like I don't deserve to look after myself, like I'll tempt bad things to happen if I let myself be calm or try to enjoy stuff. Oh dear

I get you

It’s the dark side of love.

And yes, anxiety.

The booze won’t be helping at all! Know this from experience.

Yes. Completely understand and relate to this. I once saw it summed up in this quotation:

‘Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.’ Elizabeth Stone.

My father had been very seriously ill shortly before I had several early miscarriages and then my 3 children. My parents then died within 18 months of one another, both in their 50’s and when my children were all pre school aged.

I’m not sure if these circumstances have created an extraordinary amount of anxiety within me and I’ve had counselling which went into the intense anxiety I often felt around my children when they were young. They’re teenagers now. My marriage came to an abrupt end a few years back which was another thing to recover from. I am a little better at managing my anxiety now and talking myself out of irrational thoughts.

I think anxiety and depression are very closely linked, often they go hand in hand. I have at times taken antidepressants to help me cope but it was also important for me to find ways to rationalise my worries.

I think antidepressants will help, possibly also CBT is worth a try. I have found hobbies like knitting and exercise help me cope with anxiety because they absorb me and take my mind somewhere else. I think I needed to try to rewire my brain following the tough times in my life but it’s a work in progress and of course worry is par for the course with parenthood.

Like you, I feel blessed to have healthy children but along with that, a lot of worry too.

So grateful for all these replies. The poem has made me weep. 'Foreboding joy', my God that's exactly what I mean! Thank you, I know it's not just me now. I feel guilty for bringing them into this world really, but they are so wonderful. It shouldn't be so sad and dark. Look how much love we all have. We should be the ones in charge

@SpiderSnout

Thank you both. I think the war has intensified it. But I can't do anything about the world, I know. I feel like I don't deserve to look after myself, like I'll tempt bad things to happen if I let myself be calm or try to enjoy stuff. Oh dear

I think I’ll quote posts since I’m too slow! The opposite is true I’d say. You’ll tempt good things if you are calm or try to enjoy things. World peace starts with the individual. Your children, who you care for so deeply, will thank you for it too. (My mum had horrible anxiety, which caused mine. Anxiety is catching! As in fact is peace and happiness.) Now you really do deserve some peace. Start now. Have something good to eat. Read or watch something relaxing. If you’ve had no alcohol then listen to the Alan Carr book. www.amazon.co.uk/Easy-Way-Women-Stop-Drinking/dp/B01KYI95NA/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Alan+Carr+women&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1649102279&sr=8-2 Or if youve already had a drink, Listen to the book tomorrow. Don’t rush yourself, you’re anxious, but your life can be much better.

@FairyPolkadot I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I often think of that Elizabeth Stone quote, it is so true

@BlueRaincoat1

I understand your post. I had a wonderful day with one of my sons on Saturday, and I felt incredibly low on Sunday evening, partly because if felt entirely overwhelmed and so incredibly sad about the state of the world, climate change, covid, the threat of war, so much sadness and risk in the world.

I think our beautiful day and really enjoying the pleasures of life made me even more mindful of the awfulness that is out there - I can't quite express myself right . I know life can be beautiful. I know the world is in facing many crisis. I want my children to be happy and live in peace. It is really upsetting to think they may not.

I think we just have to try and keep perspective, and try to do our best. I'm trying to find a 'bigger' way to deal with these feelings.

You might like the attached poem.

Beautiful poem

Thank you so much @Jumpalicious

From what you've written to me it does sound like severe anxiety. I think some people do " feel / think" more deeply than others so maybe this is just a more severe form of how you might normally be? I can very much relate, I also have 3 but after my 2nd was born I went through a year of feeling like that, it turns out I had a massive hormonal imbalance & a week after I started to sort it, it completely dissipated! So maybe a general wellbeing check up at the doctor, anything else in your lifestyle changed, extra stressors? Hope you find some relief as I know it can be exhausting!

Sounds like anxiety. Thing about anxiety is that it's not depression - as in, you don’t necessarily have to feel miserable or empty the way you do with depression. You can be incredibly happy yet terrified at all times. That's how I've been for years now. And your mood can change instantly because you can be really happy and then the anxiety says "imagine how sad it would be if everyone you loved just died" and then you're screaming internally.

So you're not mad and you're not alone. If it gets debilitating, see your GP.

Thank you OP. Anxiety is horrible.

Another thing I have found helps is to be wary of both how much and where I read/listen to the news. This is another thing that I have done in this ongoing attempt to rewire my brain. Things like yoga are also helpful. Just generally being aware of what you’re putting into and programming your own mind with does help, in my experience.

Yes I've always been prone to thinking/feeling too deeply and to catastrophising too. But it's just tipped over into despair, quite frankly. I think it's the war: it's made clear the worst of humanity on one hand and, on the other, it does represent a very real threat to the world that we have no control over. I can't square this view of the world with the one I have (via the kids)
of beauty and light. They don't go together. One rips the other apart. It's like a darkness that will swallow them up. I just want them to be safe and happy. Just feel very low about it

@TitoMojito

Sounds like anxiety. Thing about anxiety is that it's not depression - as in, you don’t necessarily have to feel miserable or empty the way you do with depression. You can be incredibly happy yet terrified at all times. That's how I've been for years now. And your mood can change instantly because you can be really happy and then the anxiety says "imagine how sad it would be if everyone you loved just died" and then you're screaming internally.

So you're not mad and you're not alone. If it gets debilitating, see your GP.

Oh yes, this 100%

@FairyPolkadot yes, the news, like the wine, is another very bad addiction I have at the moment! I'm scared if I don't look at it I'll get a horrible shock when the next awful thing happens. Like I have to be ahead of the curve to try and manage it as best I can. But obviously that doesn't work

I have this!!
I've had severe health anxiety for myself, I then had an episode of panic about my little ones knew I needed help, a course of counselling really helped as did a regular magnesium supplement. There's real evidence magnesium can calm the nerves.
My anxiety did flare with the war starting too, I had such a heaviness around me about it. As a mother thinking of the reality the mothers are facing there is a living nightmare and makes you realise how delicate life is.

Also something I read somewhere which I LOVED is that whatever higher power/god/universe/bigger thing you might believe in, when you get a negative thought give a mental thanks to the higher power for something positive instead. It really helps to cancel out the negative thoughts ☺️