Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I know I can't do this but why not?

32 replies

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 17:51

I'm going to an event with an old friend about 4 hours from here. He lives approx one hour further away, we'll meet enroute.

I've known him forever and we have never been anything but strictly platonic, even drunk, nothing untoward has ever happened between us.

He has suggested we stay over at this event because of the distance. We've been to similar events in the day before, but not usually quite this far.

I'm single, but I've asked what his DW thinks. "She's staying with her sister that weekend, she won't know".

I am absolutely not comfortable with that. He says he won't tell her because there's no point risking a fuss unnecessarily, not because there's anything to hide.

I'm really sad, we've been friends for decades and this changes everything for me

OP posts:

TeeBee · 04/04/2022 17:59

Oh no, I wouldn't be happy with the lie either. I doubt it's anything to do with your relationship with him but his relationship with her. But I wouldn't be happy to be involved in the dishonesty.

Unsureaboutit9 · 04/04/2022 18:03

I think it’s a bit much that it changes everything for you. His relationship with his wife clearly has some major flaws, but it doesn’t make him any less your friend. I wouldn’t go along with the lie because it’s just a crappy thing to do, but if you’ve been friends with him that long I’m sure you can just be straight with him and say I’m not doing it and here’s why.

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:08

@Unsureaboutit9

Yes, that's what I've done, but one of the reasons he was a "safe" male colleague when we first became friends was that he was such a good, decent, committed family man, not someone who lies to his wife. We haven't worked together for years BTW.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:08

If he'd just said "she's fine with it", I'd have been none the wiser...

OP posts:

Chikapu · 04/04/2022 18:11

Did he mean staying over sharing a room and a bed?

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:14

@Chikapu

Did he mean staying over sharing a room and a bed?

I don't know, we didn't get that far in the discussion Probably shared room, twin beds.

OP posts:

Isobelslider · 04/04/2022 18:14

You need to be upfront with him. Tell your wife the truth or I'm not going. It might not be any issue or wrong doing on your part but you don't deserve to be dragged into this shit show through his dishonesty.

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:14

And we are comfortable enough together that that would be fine, but I was concerned his DW might not be.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 04/04/2022 18:18

Absolutely not. He's a liar, abusing his wife's trust; so he'll do exactly the same to you.

2bazookas · 04/04/2022 18:21

@Silverclocks

If he'd just said "she's fine with it", I'd have been none the wiser...

But then you might have left a give-away message on their answer machine. Or called him at home, she answers, you mention the weekend away.

He was warning YOU to hide it from her. or any other mutual contacts.

It'll end in tears.

Daenerys77 · 04/04/2022 18:22

Why can't you each have your own room?

SniffMyQuiffyHair · 04/04/2022 18:24

I agree with you. Shame that he has spoilt your lovely friendship, but I would be on my guard now

moonbedazzled · 04/04/2022 18:25

Why don't you just book two separate room? You know that his wife has nothing to fear because there's nothing happening between you.

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:25

@Daenerys77

Why can't you each have your own room?

Well we could, at double the cost, but that's not the issue. We didn't get as far as discussing rooming arrangements.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:27

@moonbedazzled

Why don't you just book two separate room? You know that his wife has nothing to fear because there's nothing happening between you.

I know that, I thought it was a courtesy to check DW was OK (I'm not sure I would be tbh). Separate rooms or not, he wasn't planning to tell her.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 04/04/2022 18:33

Im on the fence.

I have a friend of 20+ years absolutely platonic, live in different countries but I sometimes visit him when I’m traveling for work. He has also visited me with mutual friends.

I found out on my last visit that he hadn’t told his wife he was with me to avoid the “hassle”. It’s laughable that she would consider me any sort of threat / after her man but I decided it was his business 🤷‍♀️

Squiff70 · 04/04/2022 18:33

Absolutely not.

One of my closest friends who I absolutely adore is male (I'm female). We've been friends for many years and ot has only ever been strictly platonic with never a single hint of anything sexual between us.

He's engaged to a lovely lady and I'm engaged to a lovely man. We all get on well and the thought of anything 'more' between my friend and I would be like having 'more' with a brother!

Would go away with him without BOTH our respective partners knowing? No, never, even though our partners know nothing would ever happen between us. That's not the point. We have no secrets and sneaking off behind their backs, however innocent it may seem, would be deceitful.

Nnique · 04/04/2022 18:37

It does change everything I’m afraid and I can see why it’s upsetting you. I would be of exactly the same view as you.

If he’s keeping his friendship with you from his wife then it’s really not what you thought it was all these years - an easy, straightforward friendship with the blessing of his wife.

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2022 18:39

Does his wife know you’re attending the event? Or does she think he’s going alone?

Trying to work out if she’d have a problem more generally than the staying over.

ToothGrinder · 04/04/2022 18:40

It's not that she may consider you a threat. It's that he wants to categorise you as someone who might be.

I'm sorry Op. It's disappointing when these types show their true colours. Agree with a PP that the reason he told you this information is to invoke the intimacy of collusion.

It's always a pain when it happens but some guys just are like that.

Do you have someone else you can go with? If so I'd do that. What a prick.

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:40

@NoSquirrels

Does his wife know you’re attending the event? Or does she think he’s going alone?

Trying to work out if she’d have a problem more generally than the staying over.

I'm sure she knows we often (well a handful of times a year) attend these events. I usually post them on FB and tag him

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:43

Actually, I've never realised before, but maybe I subconciously do the FB thing to make sure it's not secret....hmm

OP posts:

Nnique · 04/04/2022 18:43

Ah ok so she knows about your friendship. That’s something at least.

But his flippant reply that it’s fine to get a hotel room (together or apart) as long as she doesn’t know shows he’s not entirely respectful of his wife in this situation and I’d be wondering if his feelings toward you have changed in some way.

Original poster

Silverclocks · 04/04/2022 18:45

It's possible that it was a flippant response n the moment and he'd have come to the conclusion that it wasn't OK on his own, he certainly knows now!

My problem is that even if he tells me she now knows....

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2022 18:46

How did you leave the conversation? I think I’d have to ask if his wife knew that we were attending together and if so, why he worried she’d be upset with the overnight plan.

Flip

1 2