I know I can't do this but why not?

[Silverclocks]

I'm going to an event with an old friend about 4 hours from here. He lives approx one hour further away, we'll meet enroute.

I've known him forever and we have never been anything but strictly platonic, even drunk, nothing untoward has ever happened between us.

He has suggested we stay over at this event because of the distance. We've been to similar events in the day before, but not usually quite this far.

I'm single, but I've asked what his DW thinks. "She's staying with her sister that weekend, she won't know".

I am absolutely not comfortable with that. He says he won't tell her because there's no point risking a fuss unnecessarily, not because there's anything to hide.

I'm really sad, we've been friends for decades and this changes everything for me

@NoSquirrels

How did you leave the conversation? I think I’d have to ask if his wife knew that we were attending together and if so, why he worried she’d be upset with the overnight plan.

It was left that I won't be staying overnight. TBH even if his wife did know, it doesn't feel right or respectful to her and he obviously has some concern that she wouldn't be happy with it.

At the moment we're still going to the event, returning same day, which is what was originally planned anyway.

TBF he didn't try to twist my arm, just explained that he'd suggested it because of the distance and thought it would be easier/better if she didn't need to know for "a quiet life".

I don't really know what their relationship is like, it's not something we discuss. He's certainly never done the "my wife doesn't understand me" thing and he seems genuinely proud of her accomplishments.

All a bit awkward then, suddenly, isn’t it? Because (presumably) you don’t have the sort of relationship/friendship where you discuss personal matters like relationship dynamics, and so now you’re just going to wonder…

Just get your own room and there is no problem - sharing a room and not telling her is definitely not ok.

The ‘easy life’ comment shows there definitely is an issue. Either the wife doesn’t really feel comfortable about the friendship (rightly or wrongly) or there have been problems about this sort of thing before, or perhaps he knows he feels something for OP that he shouldn’t.

Whatever the case may be, I’m the same as OP - I would not stay overnight with him (even though it’s not actually ‘with him’).

I genuinely can't see the problem. For all you know she could get unnecessarily jealous and he doesn't want that to control him seeing his friends.
Or maybe she told him he has to be at home to wait for an Amazon parcel, or any of a million things. Think you are making much too much out of it

I know that, I thought it was a courtesy to check DW was OK (I'm not sure I would be tbh). Separate rooms or not, he wasn't planning to tell her.

You wouldn't be happy if your partner did this because you'd be worried he'd cheat. But in this scenario you know the guy isn't going to cheat...with you at least.
I don't see the issue. It's his relationship to navigate. If I've been out with friends, I've never checked with any of them that it's OK with their spouses.