Can someone please talk to me?

[Arwenevenstone]

I am feeling suicidal and can't cope any more. DH can't help. No one can. At the end of my rope.

She is very unreliable. We had a family get together. The first after the pandemic. We booked tickets for travel. She said she wanted to see her relatives so we believed her. Then she backed out. Cost us a lot.

This happens a lot.

Op. This may sound hard, but you need to reclaim your thoughts today and direct them to think about you and what you can do to add some self care make life better for you. Your dd is abusive to you but she is an adult and can be left for today. Your dh sounds supportive … can you go out for lunch together?

OP, I know it sounds extreme but could your daughter be 'sectioned'? If she is refusing to eat then she is technically a danger to herself. I know it sounds extreme but I have known two people that this happened to and they both recovered after an intense period in hospital, also the support they received afterwards was a lot more than they would have otherwise. Just something to consider.

Today is Sunday though, you can't necessarily access everything that you can during the week. Whilst everyone is still asleep, put on your favourite coat and scarf and head outside. Every time you start to panic about your daughter find something in nature to really study - how it looks, smells, what it sounds like. Get that take away hot chocolate if you can, but if not take your best and brightest mug out into the garden for a little hour before everyone else gets up x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way - we can see that you're getting help and support regarding the issues with your daughter so we'll leave this thread in Chat for now.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Ah I’m pretty sure Early Help is for younger kids.
I think a family therapist is a good idea, with time for you to be heard and supported.
Dd impacted everyone, but refused to engage with therapy. If it hadn’t been for the support I got from early help I think the whole lot would have crumbled. Dd took everything I had, she wanted my soul for breakfast.
Try and focus on yourself. I know that’s hard and seems counterintuitive but it’s the only way through this. Put yourself first.

OP could go somewhere, just you, for a couple of days, even a night in a hotel? It sounds like you desperately need some time to yourself, some headspace.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

Have you heard of a website called Kooth
www.kooth.com/
It’s online support for young people experiencing mental health problems.
It sounds like your daughter has tried many things so this might not help but I think it’s worth a look anyway.
Definitely like the idea of the walk and hot chocolate. I’m going to do that myself later.
Sorry you’re struggling it sounds incredibly difficult for you.

Please get in touch with the Samaritans www.samaritans.org/ OP

OP you might have to realise that the situation with your dd could take a long time time to resolve but can be possible. My friend was a high achiever at school but she couldn't cope once it got to uni stage and being more independent. She ended up sectioned for 10 years. Her parents had almost given up but suddenly about a year ago she became well again. She was released from being sectioned and put in a supportive living scheme but will soon be leaving there. She reuineted with her old bf from school and they are now getting married and shes living a "normal life". Obviously i hope you dont have to go through all that with your dd but what im saying is you may need to ride this out and try not to despair. My friend was diagnosed in hospital with autism which was never picked up on in school and she seemed "normal" from the outside. Perhaps this could be a possibility for your dd. Try not to despair and seek help. Don't take your dds behaviour personally its her illness talking not her xx

I can't even cope with the idea of her being sectioned. Nobody seems to think it is autism because she didn't exhibit these traits before. She had a boyfriend who dumped her in the pandemic.
I appreciate you all listenining. Samaritans wasnt much help to me tbh. I won't be asking for money. I am not in need of that though DD has wasted a lot wt her behaviour.

I have gone bk to bed to cling to DH. Hope to walk later but honestly feel so bleak. DH said " When you have DC you are at their mercy." That is how I feel right now.

Your dd may need to be allowed to hit rock bottom before she will seek help.

No one else not even her mother can help her until she decides she wants help for herself and will accept it.

In the meantime you cannot help anyone else until you are in a position to yourself. You have to look after yourself to have the strength to give to others.

You obviously need to prioritize yourself currently if it's got to the point of feeling suicidal. That is a huge red flag that you are beyond what you can cope with. You need to take a giant step back and realise your dd is an adult who must find her own way through her problems.

That may sound harsh, but I don't mean you can't support your dd, just that you have to let go more and let her take the lead.

The abuse you should walk away from. Every time.

Hello @Arwenevenstone . I'll chat. I think we have a lot in common. I absolutely understand the hell and despair involved in parenting a(n older) child with mental health issues. I live every day in a state of crisis.I too have had terrible dark thoughts about the relief it would be if my DS was just taken away.

DS is 20. Dropped out of uni last year. He has anxiety and depression and is also on waiting list for the Personality Disorder clinic- (Borderline personality disorder). He has PTSD and 'emotional dysregulation' i.e. the most horrific disproportionate emotional reactions to minor things; this is expressed through hours of wailing and screaming and self harm. He has issues with relationships- cannot leave them, even when they are harming him. He rewrites the past in a very negative light and experiences ordinary events and emotions as traumatic. Does any of this sound true for your DD?

I'm a single parent (widow) so no support at home. But DS does want to get better. He does take his meds and engage with any therapy offered, so that is a huge positive. I also have another child and it breaks my heart for them to have to live amongst the chaos.

A couple of things to consider: are there any local carers' groups available- where you can meet other people in similar situations who understand what you're going through. Some offer more practical help too.

The FaceBook group Parenting Mental Health. I dip in and out to be honest, because there are a lot of difficult stories there, but you can express yourself there without judgement.

Good that you've gone back to bed. Sleep is critical to coping and you should prioritize that for yourself.

I find even ibuprofen or paracetamol can sometimes just relax me enough to sleep.

Then a long walk, a good meal, relaxing TV, a hot bath and early night. Keep doing nice things for yourself every day.

Detach a little bit.

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Different, but I was at the end of my tether with the situation of a much-loved elderly relative living with us. The problems weren’t any fault of the person, but the stress and pressure were constant. I was so despairing, I felt there was no solution aside from nature taking its course, for which I felt profoundly guilty, and still do.

Nature did take its course and grief was tempered by relief, I’m afraid. Not just for my relative, who was leading a miserable existence, but for me too. And I feel awful about it years on, so I do understand the extremes of feeling caused by relentless pressure. Forgive yourself. Any dark thoughts are not what you really want. They are a product of stress. What you really want is your dd living a happy life, but at the moment you see no way to get there. You will all come through this, but it feels relentless at the time, and sounds like there are a lot of issues intertwined.

Is the University aware of what’s happening with your dd? Is it possible for her to ‘write off’ this year, and re-do it? That might take the pressure off her feeling that she’s falling behind, and maybe lessen her anxiety? One of my dc was going through some difficult things at university, dropped out, re-applied somewhere else and ended up having a happy time at the new one. Could she re-apply to somewhere nearer home, if she’s finding it too difficult to cope with being away?

@Arwenevenstone, I’m here for you and I’m so sad that you feel this way. You are doing your absolute best and we are here for support.
Is your DD in a position to defer Uni for a year in light of her issues? Why don’t you and your DH just leave the house today and go for a walk, even if it’s 15 minutes where you don’t talk about DD you just feel the sun on your face and be with each other.
You deserve to look after yourself as well and the abuse is utterly unacceptable. I have been in very very dark places myself, your daughter needs
To recognise the amount of support you give her. Can you look into inpatient facility whilst trying to get her better?

Sending you a hug

I hope sleep helps Op. I’m glad your husband is with you today.

Thanks for the responses. I called up the Samaritans and dumped on the lady who answered. I need to get better help from my GP.

In regard to the pp who advised a uni transfer, DD is actually taking a year out. She hated her first uni and because of the pandemic failed to make friends. Left at great expense. Is moving to another uni close to home in September. But now she says she can't go to uni at all. So severely anxious.

What a stressful situation for you all. Would something like the the Open University be an option?
I dropped out of 2 universities due to anxiety between 18 and 21.
The OU gave me a focus and with CBT life eventually improved.

A family member is badly affected by social anxiety and it really does cause a lot of stress and pain.

Ok. But that’s her deal. Try and drop the rope or at least slacken it off a bit. She has to learn how to be herself. By taking care of yourself, you are showing her that ultimately that’s what she has to do. You can’t breathe for her, or take her pain away.
I know how hard it is. Dd went to 4 different sixth forms. She dropped out for a year. Leading up to that it was a shitshow. I hadn’t realised how much of my sense of okayness was dependant on her being ok. When she wasn’t, I just couldn’t cope.
I had to learn to breathe without her.
She has to learn to breathe without me.

@CapitanSandy

What a stressful situation for you all. Would something like the the Open University be an option? I dropped out of 2 universities due to anxiety between 18 and 21. The OU gave me a focus and with CBT life eventually improved.

A family member is badly affected by social anxiety and it really does cause a lot of stress and pain.

Am happy to consider the Open U. The problem is she keeps changing her mind. She wanted to go to proper uni and now says she can't. I know it will be back and forth all the way till September. I am going to push her to contact her uni disabilities service.

So sorry to hear of this awful situation OP. I have daughters who have suffered through MH struggles so I have a little insight into how all-consuming and crushing it is, but nothing on the scale of what you are experiencing.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but you say your DD used to be a voracious reader and wanted to follow that at uni. I'm wondering if doing something informally with books in the meantime, while she's unable to study, might be something that would help her? Could she maybe set up an instagram account for book reviews (anonymous, if that would help with her anxiety - not recognisably her) and connect with other book people online. Reviewers who tag authors in (positive) review posts often get replies from the authors, which can be motivating and mutually positive.

I understand that if her default setting is abusive towards you that any suggestions like this are likely to be met with hostility, so apologies if this is way too simplistic. I'm echoing what pps have said and urging you to detach as much as possible. Carve out time for yourself - a trip to the garden centre and a cup of tea and cake, a magazine and planning something small but positive to aim for or achieve this week/month whatever. Look after yourself.

I think you need to try and disengage from helping her just a little bit, and use that energy instead on helping yourself.

I’d prioritise sleep and your own wellbeing for the next few days. See your own GP if you haven’t already. Could you go and stay with your Mum for a night a week to give you a break?

I would highly recommend OU. My sister had horrific SA and PTSD and totally thrived in the OU.She now has a BA and BSC. There are loads of people like your daughter in the OU purely down to SA. Apart from the structure being more user friendly they have great support and online forums for students with MH issues. Im so so sorry you are going through this OP.

So is she completely unmedicated at present then?
I know in your OP you said prescriptions had been tried- I've never heard of none working whatsoever. Is she taking them long enough to feel a benefit?
Often take at least a month to begin taking effect.