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Original poster

Does anyone else have a DH like this? It's sending me round the bend!

58 replies

confusedlots · 31/03/2022 20:45

DH is generally pretty good, involved with the house and the kids etc, but it's driving me round the bend the way he only half does things, resulting in me going around and finishing them/doing things properly!

So tonight we were doing the kids bedtimes, he pulls the bedroom blinds down, but not fully, so there's still light coming through and obviously it's still light now when they're going to bed. So I come in and have to pull them down properly.

He did the washing up after dinner, but only decided to wash about two thirds of the stuff, so although I don't have all the washing up to do, I still have to do the worst bits like the pots and pans, but he thinks he's great doing the washing up!

One of the children left their shoes lying in the middle of the kitchen. He picks them up and then sets them down at the side of the kitchen. So I have to them pick them up and take them to where they stay!

I just need to vent tonight because it's really irritating me! Those are only a couple of examples of what happened in a short space of time this evening. Maybe I'm nit picking, but I feel like it's just creating double the work! And then he thinks I'm nagging him if I say anything! Aaarrgghh!

OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 31/03/2022 21:57

Me!!
DP baths DS but then leaves the water and 300 toys in there and the floor like a swimming pool.
Closes the curtains in DS bedroom but not the blinds
Empty toilet roll tubes ON TOP of the bin.
Picks toys up and piles them in the corner instead of putting them in the toy box.
If DS has got changed in the living room, he picks the dirty clothes up but puts them on the sofa.
Another one that doesn't wash all the dishes( on the very rare occasion he washes any at all).
Aaaaaaarrgghhhhh!!

roseopose · 31/03/2022 22:04

Arr thought of another one, puts drink cans next to but never in the recycling box. He puts everything else into the recycling. But not drink cans. WHY

TheNameOfTheRoses · 31/03/2022 22:05

I decided just leave the stuff.
Washing only 2/3 done? I leaving it and he can finish it later on.
Shoes? Apart from asking the dc to tidy up, I’d leave then there.
The blind? A bit harder depending in the age of the child. But I’d b tempted to let him do it at the weekend and then let him deal with the child nit all ing asleep etc…

Basically, if you constantly tell him he is doing a crap job or call him to finish it, you act like you are his mum. You’re not. But he is likely to answer like a child and dig his heels in.

So let him experience the consequences of what he does. He is leaving packaging in the way? Fine he’ll have to walk over it until he is putting it in the bin. He is asking why there are still dishes left to wash? Remind him he hadn’t finished doing it.
He’ll learn.

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TheNameOfTheRoses · 31/03/2022 22:07

I’m nit sure why anyone would constantly pick up after some men who are giving you more work than you would have done doing it yourself whilst they can claim they doing lots of parenting/HW.

GracieLouFreeebush · 31/03/2022 22:12

I’m very passive aggressive about things like this. My dp leaves empty toilet rolls on top of the bin - I ask what is he saving this for.
He only does half of the washing up - I ask if he’s finished with whatever is in the bowl, when he says yes why I say oh I wasn’t sure with you not washing it up.

WheekestLink · 31/03/2022 22:19

Have you watched Incompedance on YouTube...?

dearhummingbirds · 31/03/2022 22:22

We’re both bad at this in our house Blush

SpringsSprung · 31/03/2022 22:27

It's called weaponised incompetence. Now recognised as a form of low level emotional abuse and coercive control

PartyPlan · 31/03/2022 22:28

I’m nodding along to all of these. It’s infuriating.

DH has an office accessed via a spare bedroom, so the spare bedroom has now become another dumping ground of his stuff. Dirty socks on the floor, various bills that need filed, gym clothes, hoodies he’s not put away, water glasses he’s not yet cleared away. Once a week or so suddenly he will decide to clean up all his discarded clothes and there’s enough to fill a load. Apparently he doesn’t want nagged and will do things in his own time, by which point I’ve lost the will to live and done it myself anyway.

Concestor · 31/03/2022 22:29

My DH is like this! I tend to ask "is there a reason you've left the toilet roll tube here/these shoes are in the middle of the room/you didn't wash this up?"

He then says "no" then just stares at me

And I say "well put it in the bin/put them in the porch/finish the washing up"

He does. But my goodness how is someone in senior management so incompetent? I have never let him get away with it so I now wonder if he's neurodiverse in some way as he literally seems incapable at home.

PartyPlan · 31/03/2022 22:30

Oh and if I dare to leave anything out in the same way I’m accused of double standards. Except I leave things as I have two children attached to me at all times which is why I occasionally falter.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2022 22:33

One thing that has blown me away since my divorce is how little negativity there is in my life now. The bitterness, resentment, niggling at each other...all just gone.

Any dishes on the side are mine, and I ll clear them away when I feel like it whilst humming. 5 years ago it would have been banging about whilst seething that it was his fucking bowl and he's out at golf again. Same chore, completely different frame of mind.

FabFitFifties · 31/03/2022 22:35

My DP, will go round picking things up, but then puts them on the stairs. He then complains that we walk past them. He is a great pile maker. He carries ironing upstairs but deposits it on our bed. This us particularly infuriating if I find it at bedtime. He also washes up, but leaves the oven trays and pans. I could go on and on and on.

Chelsea26 · 31/03/2022 22:37

Yep

My now-exH (divorced today - whoop!) did this and it’s infuriating.

I remember so many times coming in from a weekend away with work to him expecting a parade because he’s done the hoovering and the washing. Hoover in the middle of the lounge and washing wet and stinky in the machine for two days.

No matter how many times I explained that washing is a five step process which starts with the washing machine and ends up with the clean clothes back in the wardrobe - he just wouldn’t do it.

Ex for a reason

Goawayangryman · 31/03/2022 22:40

I read threads like this and feel so glad to be single (now,). Im tempted to suggest only cooking half the food on his plate or only washing one armpit of his work shirts but that would be ridiculous. You should just be able to say, look, when you do a half assed job it makes me feel taken for granted and disrespected. What would happen if you did that at work? What makes you think it's ok to give me less respect than your boss/customers etc...

LBFseBrom · 31/03/2022 22:40

Tell him! Itemise things making it quite clear what needs to be done, For goodness sakes, get a dishwasher if you have the room for one; that will solve the washing up.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2022 22:42

@Chelsea26

Yep

My now-exH (divorced today - whoop!) did this and it’s infuriating.

I remember so many times coming in from a weekend away with work to him expecting a parade because he’s done the hoovering and the washing. Hoover in the middle of the lounge and washing wet and stinky in the machine for two days.

No matter how many times I explained that washing is a five step process which starts with the washing machine and ends up with the clean clothes back in the wardrobe - he just wouldn’t do it.

Ex for a reason

Congratulations. You'll love it!
OverByYer · 31/03/2022 22:43

@WheekestLink

Have you watched Incompedance on YouTube...?
Yup that’s it
Pinkbendyman · 31/03/2022 22:45

Yes, he’s called “half-a-job Deany”

Finishes a DIY job but doesn’t put his tools away.

Washes up, but always leaves a couple of things unwashed.

Leaves a trail of things everywhere when he comes in from work.

It’s a good job I love him!

PacificState · 31/03/2022 22:56

Get all the Arthurs to read this: 'my wife left me because I left the dishes by the sink' https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288 (it's absolutely brilliant)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/03/2022 22:57

Don't forget when you decide to sort it yourself, they then walk in and say 'Oh, I was going to do/finish that in a minutes'. I'm wise to it these days - there's an automatic response along the lines of 'that's OK, you can do the litter trays instead'.

Result either way - I don't have to look at the half jobs piling up and he's the one who gets the literally shittiest job in the house. At some point he'll work out that's why I fix the half jobs, but as I haven't emptied or scrubbed a litter tray in about five years now, it's taking him a little longer than I anticipated to realise he's been had.

ThreeLocusts · 31/03/2022 22:57

I have a theory according to which this behaviour pattern is not due to incompetence or laziness, but to a need for self-assertion. Men are still brought up to think that for them, household work is somehow optional. By doing things by halves, they remind themselves that they are doing these things by choice, and therefore can also stop when they see fit.

The dreariness of household work has to do with its inevitability - someone has to wash the dishes, the clothes, cook the food, etc, but it's not something you can put on your CV and the results are always ephemeral - food gets eaten, dishes get dirtied again...

There's something slightly demeaning about the non-negotiable and preliminary nature of these tasks - at least if you're invested in the idea that you live by your own choices. Which in my experience men are more often or more strongly than women. Doing things by halves helps mitigate this (for the doer, while making things worse for the person cleaning up after them).

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 22:59

Yeah Arfur here too, well he is my exDH now.

I would say to him "Can you thank Arfur for me when you see him, for doing some of the washing up" and he would ALWAYS say "I did most of it!" So in the end I started doing "most" of the washing.....oddly enough it was always his stuff that got left out. When he moaned I said "Well I did most of it!" he got better after that!

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2022 23:01

@FabFitFifties

My DP, will go round picking things up, but then puts them on the stairs. He then complains that we walk past them. He is a great pile maker. He carries ironing upstairs but deposits it on our bed. This us particularly infuriating if I find it at bedtime. He also washes up, but leaves the oven trays and pans. I could go on and on and on.
Tuck the washing neatly into his side of the bed, along with the oven trays if you are feeling particularly petty!
PacificState · 31/03/2022 23:03

Actually re-reading that has made me remember it was discussed on MN before and someone decided that every single time something like that happened she was going to say out loud (so that her husband heard her) 'Hey DW, fuck you, your time doesn't mean shit to me and I have zero respect for your wishes!' while merrily finishing the job. Dunno if it worked but it was probably cathartic

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