To-do list overwhelm

[SevenSistersStar]

We have two kids in primary school and we both work (30 hours a week in the case of my husband, 25 hours a week for me) but beyond that we don't have any additional caring responsibilities or anything. I know this makes a busy life but it's nothing out of the ordinary.

The to-do list is never ending, and threatens to swamp me. This is despite my partner doing his fair share. Everywhere I look there are things to do, whether it's clean out the pets, arrange birthday presents for the kids friends, waterproof the shed, sort out my pension, etc etc. I am an organised person but there is no way I can keep on top of it all to the level I expect of myself. Rationally I know I'm a bit of a perfectionalist and no-one could possibly do it all. But sometimes it threatens to ovewhelm me, and I occasionally have panic attacks about it all. And then nothing gets done! The sad thing is that even things that ought to be fun (choosing a gift for husband's birthday) start to feel like chores.

My question isn't how to organise myself, because I know how to do that, it's how to adopt a mindset where I don't feel overwhelmed by it all. Does anyone have any tips?

PS I know this is a massive case of first world problems, and if a true emergency arose I would stop giving a monkeys about a lot of this stuff, but knowing that somehow makes it worse - I feel I should be handling it better than I am. Please be kind.

You're both working p/t, what is so overwhelming, is it procrastination?

How old are the kids?

Sorry primary aged. This should be doable.
For gifts have a theme for the year eg reception- everyone gets an orchard game, order a couple at a time, year 1 - everyone gets an usbourne stick book, again buy 6 at the start of the year.

Sorry but as PP said, you both work part time and both the kids are at primary school, there is plenty of time for everything. Perhaps try a time table/rota? Lists always help me.

Keep a list, prioritise the must dos.

When you are struggling just get the must dos done i.e. someone will shout at me if this item does not get done, this will cost me money if it doesn't get done. Just get one big thing or one step done at a time.

Ditto when you are struggling prioritise the ones with the least flexible deadline. The birthday card HAS to be posted, the shed could wait until this weekend for example.

Automate as much as possible. When you are feeling up to it, work like a powerhouse, that way when you don't feel up to it then you have some slack you can cut.

I use checklists. I have daily checklists and weekly checklists.

It probably sounds boring but it means that I am always looking at what I have achieved rather than worrying about everything I didn't do.

My question isn't how to organise myself, because I know how to do that, it's how to adopt a mindset where I don't feel overwhelmed by it all.

Part of how not to be overwhelmed by it is to do with organising yourself though - organising the tasks and projects into immediate/urgent and ongoing etc.

Listen to (or read - but I like audio) Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks. Very good for perspective on a ‘busy’ mindset.

Some things are time-sensitive or urgent (birthday presents).

Some things are not urgent but are a project with ‘next steps’ (e.g. buy waterproof paint, sand woodwork, then paint shed or find pension details, then log into account, then research next step, then act etc)

Some things are boring routine (pet cleaning).

You have to break down the overwhelm by making tasks/projects smaller.

I sympathise because I suffer from this too. And I am resistant to routine. But really it’s the only way.

The OP said she doesn't need help with organisational skills but she feels overwhelmed. Jheez people are unkind to have a pop at her!!

OP I think you might benefit from getting to the root of why you feel overwhelmed at this stuff which, as you say, would pale into insignificance if something serious happened. Whose voice is it nagging you about your to-do list or telling you that you're overwhelmed?

Perhaps try out some mediation or mindfulness practice? There are lots of resources online. You could practice at the start of the day to help your mindset?

Do you not drown in it all?
Shopping, cooking, laundry, buying new clothes for kids, sorting through old stuff and getting rid of it, getting the boiler repaired, buying gifts, kids homework, kids show and tell, fancy dress days, random PTA requests, cleaning the house, doing the gardening, taking pets to the vet, arranging kids parties, washing up, having the family for Sunday lunch, arranging playdates, GP and dentist appointments, redecorating when necessary. I don't know, it never seems to end. My head feels like it's going to explode with keeping track of it all.

I know I sound ridiculous, which is why I think it's my mindset. I'm an organised person, at work I'm totally on top of everything. I'm on top of this stuff too really, but my head feels like it's exploding. Perhaps my standards are too high...

@Copenhagen2013

The OP said she doesn't need help with organisational skills but she feels overwhelmed. Jheez people are unkind to have a pop at her!!

OP I think you might benefit from getting to the root of why you feel overwhelmed at this stuff which, as you say, would pale into insignificance if something serious happened. Whose voice is it nagging you about your to-do list or telling you that you're overwhelmed?

Perhaps try out some mediation or mindfulness practice? There are lots of resources online. You could practice at the start of the day to help your mindset?

Thanks for the kind response. I think you're right, I'll think about what you've said.

I only do one month to do list at a time. Set a maximum of things you can put on it.
Have a generic gift drawer/ cupboard. When spare money allows buy a few book/ Amazon/ high street gift cards for gifting.
Write 3/4 months birthday cards.( or even awhile year’s) Write the date either where you’ll stick a stamp or where you can cover with a sticker. Put in a box with a sheet of cheap stickers and postage stamps.

And yes I need to read Oliver Burkeman, I know it would do me good. I've been waiting for it to come out in paperback, but perhaps I should pre-order now.

I do drown in it all. I’ve recently stopped giving as much of a shit, tbh. Stuff still gets done.

The problem is that when you’re an ‘organised person’ you do more, and expect more of yourself, than if you’re more of a last minute on-the-fly sort. But last minute on the fly people still buy birthday gifts and PTA shit and clean their houses. Just not perfectly!

The issue is that it’s better for overwhelm to be more organised, to break it down, so your attention isn’t on it all the time. You have to get it out of your head into a trusted system so your brain isn’t trying to cycle back to telling you to remember stuff all the time.

If ‘buy the birthday gift’ is on the calendar for Weds afternoon, or Saturday, you don’t need to think about it until then- you’ve already decided and blocked time out. If you don’t block the time out (or just do the thing if it’s as quick to order something off Amazon straight away) then it keeps nagging at you.

I have different lists which I find easier. Daily,Weekly, monthly, longer term.

I've always found a "just do it" approach works best for me. I.e. rather than thinking/planning about all the things that need to be done, I just get on and do something when the opportunity arises. I always surprise myself at how quick and easy some things are to do when you actually get into the mindset to just do it rather than pontificate and plan to do it.

For example, when mowing the lawn last weekend, I noticed a tree root starting to come through. In the past, I'd make a mental note to put some time aside to dig it out. But I just thought "sod it, I'll do it now", turned off the mower, got out the spade and saw, and dug it out - all done within 10 minutes or so, got back to the mowing and I had everything put away and back in the house in time for my mid afternoon brew. Far more satisfying than something else on the to day list to prevaricate over.

That Oliver Burkeman book looks great.

You could try having a breakdown and starting again op. That’s what I’m doing but wouldn’t recommend it

@NoSquirrels "The problem is that when you’re an ‘organised person’ you do more, and expect more of yourself, than if you’re more of a last minute on-the-fly sort."

I think this is it exactly!

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP! There does seem to be a lot going on at the min, perhaps even more than usual as we all catch up on the social bits we've missed over the last two years.

Life is busy, even more so with kids. You say your DP carries his weight which is good, are the DC at an age where they can start pitching in?

Hopefully it's helpful to know that there are a lot of people facing a similar sized list.

Good luck!

Do less, routine for lots of stuff so there is no need to think about it, have a repeating yearly to do list including things you will need to do eg think about world book day costume for next month.

I’m a single parent
Work same hours
Feel very much on top of it
What do you do on the days off? I find they stretch before me and despite doing lots of admin and housework, I invariably squeeze in a coffee with a friend
And that’s with children not at local schools

I am military wothhousework and very anal
But I find single parent and 25 hours is perfect

Same boat, but we work full time. I’m very envious of people who work part time and think I’d be on top of it all. But apparently that’s not always the case!

Clearly you are giving too many f**ks about too many things. You need to slack some things off. Like I dunno, washing curtains every season and cushion covers weekly or whatever.

Have a box of all occasion birthday cards and a present haul ready for birthdays. Don’t personalise everything.

Time blocking is better than to do lists. You get more done.

But really you need to give less fucks.

@SevenSistersStar

Do you not drown in it all? Shopping, cooking, laundry, buying new clothes for kids, sorting through old stuff and getting rid of it, getting the boiler repaired, buying gifts, kids homework, kids show and tell, fancy dress days, random PTA requests, cleaning the house, doing the gardening, taking pets to the vet, arranging kids parties, washing up, having the family for Sunday lunch, arranging playdates, GP and dentist appointments, redecorating when necessary. I don't know, it never seems to end. My head feels like it's going to explode with keeping track of it all.

I know I sound ridiculous, which is why I think it's my mindset. I'm an organised person, at work I'm totally on top of everything. I'm on top of this stuff too really, but my head feels like it's exploding. Perhaps my standards are too high...

Yes but I think the key to why you are feeling overwhelmed is in this post. It’s all in your head, whirring around. Get it out of your head so you don’t have it whirring around.

My system is timeblocking and also batching tasks. I recommend ‘Gamze time‘ on YouTube, she is a time management specialist who produces very accessible videos (have a hunt through her playlists).

Temporarily chop the playdates and family over for dinner and concentrate on getting on top of stuff (i.e. tidy house, laundry, admin system, pension, etc.).

You probably need to do less and care a bit less.

People bang on about how they work 80 hour weeks and still have the extended family over for dinner on Sunday and make costumes for World Book Day from scratch. Ignore those people. I have a job where I go into lots of people's houses and lots of people have pretty low standards in terms of housekeeping. Each to their own.

You just need to get on with it. Prioritise what is important. Let go what's not.

People bang on about how they work 80 hour weeks and still have the extended family over for dinner on Sunday and make costumes for World Book Day from scratch. Ignore those people.

Yes!