To-do list overwhelm

[SevenSistersStar]

We have two kids in primary school and we both work (30 hours a week in the case of my husband, 25 hours a week for me) but beyond that we don't have any additional caring responsibilities or anything. I know this makes a busy life but it's nothing out of the ordinary.

The to-do list is never ending, and threatens to swamp me. This is despite my partner doing his fair share. Everywhere I look there are things to do, whether it's clean out the pets, arrange birthday presents for the kids friends, waterproof the shed, sort out my pension, etc etc. I am an organised person but there is no way I can keep on top of it all to the level I expect of myself. Rationally I know I'm a bit of a perfectionalist and no-one could possibly do it all. But sometimes it threatens to ovewhelm me, and I occasionally have panic attacks about it all. And then nothing gets done! The sad thing is that even things that ought to be fun (choosing a gift for husband's birthday) start to feel like chores.

My question isn't how to organise myself, because I know how to do that, it's how to adopt a mindset where I don't feel overwhelmed by it all. Does anyone have any tips?

PS I know this is a massive case of first world problems, and if a true emergency arose I would stop giving a monkeys about a lot of this stuff, but knowing that somehow makes it worse - I feel I should be handling it better than I am. Please be kind.

Yes, life is relentless. A job, small children, running a home, having any kind of life. The laundry still needs to be done, etc etc. But the feeling of overwhelm is something you can learn to control. What helps you at work when you're feeling stressed about e.g. conflicting deadlines? Probably, take a moment, take stock, prioritise your to do list, speak to someone either to help or just to vent, and then get your head down and make a start.

"Life" stuff is the same. When you can, try to get ahead of yourself. Buying a birthday card for someone? Buy several for the upcoming birthdays, so they are ready in the house. Sitting down to write the card? Why not write several, then where the stamp will go, write the date to post it in pencil, and put them somewhere convenient.

Shortcuts are totally reasonable. Does everything really need to be ironed? No. Can you cook larger quantities so on busy nights you've got a homemade microwave meal? Yes it relies on being organised but it also eases the mental load, and that's the thing you're struggling with.

I set myself limits - once I've dropped my son to nursery, I usually have 45 mins before I need to start work - I set a timer for 20mins & tidy/clean. Once the timer is up I stop & treat myself to a cup of coffee & wordle.

I try & use the pockets of time I get in the day to do bits - but absolutely limit myself. So while my son's porridge is in the microwave I do 2 min tidy. While dinner is cooking I do 20 mons tidy etc.

But once my timer is up, it's up & no guilt for what's left undone. My child has additional needs, my Mum has dementia & I work 40hrs a week, so I refuse to feel guilty, I do enough!

Will do a longer reply later but... timeblocking, what is that?

Write stuff down to stop it whirling around in your head. There seems to be a lot of school/child related stuff that probably isn't that important - PTA, school fancy dress, show and tell - cut back on the playdates, just buy a heap of generic age appropriate birthday cards and presents at the beginning of the year. The decluttering should only be a one time thing - going forward, don't buy 'stuff' and get rid of kid's toys/clothes as they outgrow them.

Do you do thinks when the kids are around? Last night I paid for a school trip and two sports activities while my kids were playing in the bath.

And do the kids do age appreciate chores?

I do the three lists thing.
To do today
To do this week
To do at some point
It helps.

Just want to sympathise and say I feel very similar to what you have described. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I jus retreat and do nothing. But then I don't really relax because I feel bad I'm not doing anything!
We have a weekly planner on the fridge and write in that every Sunday evening, that has helped a bit so we know what needs done for the week ahead. And we've made it so that one day at the weekend is "get shit done" and the other day is get out and have fun!

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes and drowning in stuff to always do but this has made it slightly easier

As a PP said Oliver Burkeman is good, and have a think about ways to not make small things big (eg whether the carpet is hoovered twice a week or whatever) - mediation works for some people, or a hobby, or friends or work - what would get your head out of the weeds?

Divide work properly - if your husband does his
fair share why are you worrying about everything? You take birthdays, he takes dentists and doctors, he takes packed lunches, you take sports kits etc

Drop your standards

Schedule to dos. Do do lists are a bit of a fantasy - schedule in when you will do it, based on how long it took you last time. This will force you to drop things as you cannot possibly do them all.

Accept that if you want more free time you have to drop stuff, if you want to take up something new you have to drop stuff.

Do sort it though, it’s really sad if you guys can both afford to be PT but aren’t getting to enjoy it.

When written down, your list does look overwhelming. However, a lot of it isn't daily, weekly or even monthly tasks unless you service the boiler and decorate on a regular basis, have extremely ill pets warranting multiple vet visits and poorly children with rotten teeth needing weekly appointments at the doctors and dentist, in which case, I apologise.

Even though you said you don't need help organising things, little things would help as others have suggested with buying presents in bulk, Card Factory do 10 kids cards for £1 - keep a stash somewhere. Talk to the children about what they would like to take to their next show and tell at school so when that time comes, you've got something ready. Primary school is full on with dates to remember, sorting uniform, is it PE day, Roman day, WBD, bring your hamster to school day - it's relentless. Luckily my daughter is 18 now (which brings other challenges!) but I do remember the Primary school days and I only had the one child!

The other stuff is unfortunately the daily grind of life, cooking, washing, housework etc, rinse and repeat. It's very monotonous isn't it?!
Other pp are right, you obviously have high standards and there's nothing wrong with that but it means you're overwhelmed, so lowering your standards just a bit might help - you haven't got to be superwoman!!

"Keeping track of it all" seems to be your issue rather than actually doing it. Write it all down. I use Todoist and have recurring reminders of everything - what to clean and when, when to do the food shopping, when to buy someone a birthday present, when to renew the car tax etc etc.

All I have to think about is what's on the list for a particular day because I'll be reminded when I need to start thinking about something else.

Presents used to overwhelm me. Now I have a box of cards stashed and pop a £5 or £10 note in a card for kids to choose themselves.
Ie £10 for older kids/good friends. If I am organised will also give a bag of Haribo!

You need to be okay with not doing it all at once
A lot aren't priorities like decorating etc. Try listing to the Organised Mum podcast.

@NdefH81

I’m a single parent Work same hours Feel very much on top of it What do you do on the days off? I find they stretch before me and despite doing lots of admin and housework, I invariably squeeze in a coffee with a friend And that’s with children not at local schools

Please share your routine! I imagine a free day feeling like it stretches before me!

Sympathies OP. I don't have DC but do have an elderly mum.

best time management advice I ever had - no matter how long your main list, just pick three things from it to go on your list to do today.

Three things is easy to do, you get them done and feel good about it. And then another three things tomorrow.

I run my life like this now, and it works really well...the only days I don't get stuff done is when I try and do too much...and then it's back to the three things...

Shopping, cooking, laundry, buying new clothes for kids, sorting through old stuff and getting rid of it, getting the boiler repaired, buying gifts, kids homework, kids show and tell, fancy dress days, random PTA requests, cleaning the house, doing the gardening, taking pets to the vet, arranging kids parties, washing up, having the family for Sunday lunch, arranging playdates, GP and dentist appointments, redecorating when necessary
I'm a lone parent and so I take a similar approach to work, and sort things into categories, so daily, weekly, monthly, annually etc and have on the family calendar and my phone calendar. So for example, birthday presents I have a final warning 10 days ahead of the date of I haven't purchased anything so order that date - setting the alarm for a time that I know I will actually do it. Often 730ish seems to work.
Things like gardening, I add the next dates to plant more seeds/plant on etc. So I know approximately when to leave time for the garden.
Shopping is a weekly slot, with a meal planner except a trip to other shops every 8 to 12 weeks.
Clothing, is ad hoc, usually sales time, so more reliant on emails coming through. School uniform I buy at the same time each year.
Homework and additional home learning is done on a weekly schedule.
Other things like dinner parties, if stressing you you're doing too often!
Never juggle everything. There's no point!

I'd recommend the organised mum method. The to do list is pretty fixed, its really changed my mindset too. So instead of thinking I need to to do all these big things I break them down and spread them out. Also I know what needs to be done today, tomorrow osv. I just dont feel so overwhelmed.

Also just say no to everything you can.

Wd u consider giving up the pets? For children's presents just slip a fiver or tenner in with the birthday card. Lower the standards some ref housework and once your own children reach age 8 give them household tasks weekly.

Forgot one more suggestion
Buy weekly shop online. Saves loads of time money and energy.

I would dedicate one morning a week to all the admin shit, and don't let yourself think about it the rest of the week. It's amazing how many phone calls you can make/ bills you can pay/ appointments you can make in a couple of hours.

Oh, and my other top tip is telling all the unreasonable, pointless PTA requests to fuck right off (not out loud, obviously).

I think you’re spot on about it being mindset and no organisational skills because - and I don’t mean this to sound unkind - your kids are in school and both parents are part time! You easily have time to do all this. So it’s not about doing less or spending more time. It’s how you feel about the list.

For me, that’s embrace it!!!

When you start a Netflix series, you don’t think, “oh god, I’ve got 12 hours to watch to find out what happens - I have so much to do!” You just get on with it.

Now I know housework isn’t as fun as Bridgerton 😉

But honestly, some of the threads I see on here about “mental load” make me think, if there was a bit more JFDI instead of wallowing in how awful it was, there wouldn’t be as much, and it wouldn’t feel as bad.

You’re not overwhelmed at work, because you accept that’s what your work is.

Why not accept that many of these tasks are just what living is? The end game isn’t ever to have zero on your to do list, you’ll always have things on it. You can see that as depressing and never ending or… just life.

I think giving yourself your own gentle kick up the backside helps. It helps me! Accept that life means things to do, and try to spend more time doing them than thinking about them. Other people telling you to put up and shut up doesn’t help… but telling yourself might.

And add in all the organisational skills you already have!

Posting to sympathise op

Party gifts….best is Amazon voucher

Lists, as PP have said. I have one binder/notebook with all my lists so theyre all in one place.
You work p/t so set aside time when youre not working to power through the lists and get things done.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies. As I said in my original post I am a pretty organised person. I have a daily list, a monthly list and a "back burner" list. I already write everything down. At work I have been appointed and promoted on the basis of my organisational skills. At home I know I'm pretty on top of everything really. But it still stresses me out.

Your replies have helped me see it's definitely a mindset thing, possibly a mental health issue.

The issue is probably chronic perfectionism: no matter how much I do in a day I always see the stuff I didn't do.

Also I'm an introvert and often find life with two kids a bit noisy and overwhelming more generally (not enough "me time" to recharge) and I think the to-do list is part of that "noise" if that makes any sense at all.

There are some tips in your replies that are definitely worth thinking about that I don't already do, eg limiting the daily list to three things a day, or getting my OH to take real ownership of a couple more things. (It's my instinct to take ownership of everything IYKWIM.) And just generally giving less of a shit about some of this stuff.

I'm going to order the Oliver Burkeman book now.