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Original poster

MIL - daughters having babies more special than sons

28 replies

Festivalpartygirl · 30/03/2022 09:03

This is what I got told last night when taking MIL shopping, she’s full of mindless chat, this was prompted by her friends daughter having a baby. It’s really got to me, I know I need to see PIL for the old fashioned people they are, when DS was born (only grandson) comment was made, at least we’ve produced a son to carry on family name. Last nights comment really got to me, back story is I lost my mum before any of her grandkids were born. I’m trying to get a grip, again, numerous comments over the years, but that one hurt and brings it home that my DC have never really had a doting grandparent(late DF was never interested).

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 30/03/2022 09:04

You need to tell her openly and honestly how upsetting and rude these comments are.

DaffodilDandilion · 30/03/2022 09:06

If you read the posts on here about women wanting to keep their MIL’s away for as long as possible whilst having their Mum around from day one you can probably understand her point.

Nevertheless, particularly given your situation that was a hurtful thing to say x

PersephonePomegranate · 30/03/2022 09:15

Your MIL really needs to engage her brain before speaking!

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Families
worriedatthistime · 30/03/2022 09:25

My mil treats my kids differently and my sil always says its because shes the daughter so she feels its easier to step in with her kids and help etc
Which is bullshit really as my mum treats my brothers kids the same as mine and many friends have great mil
I always allowed my mil to hold when babies , would be happy if she wanted them for an afternoon or to spend time with them
It just barely happened and now my kids are older they have little to do with her, they started to notice the differences themselves at about 7-8 and even more so as older
I just now treat it as her loss and we have a very low contact relationship as my dh is disgusted with how little interest she shows in her GC
I have 2 boys I hope I can have a great relationship with any dil and therefore GC

Original poster
Festivalpartygirl · 30/03/2022 09:34

Yep, engagement of brain is severely lacking, I wish I had a response ready at the time, I’m not good with confrontation, I’m stewing instead. And unfortunately they are getting older and in need of more help and support so staying away isn’t an option although DH can take her shopping next week.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 30/03/2022 09:49

Try not to dwell on it. Sounds like she's one of these people who just chats away without thinking about what she's saying. I keep hearing this weird idea on Mumsnet that grandparents are closer to their daughter's children. It's just not true in my experience. My MIL absolutely dotes on my children. I kind of feel they're her reason for living - she also has grandchildren from her daughter too and certainly doesn't favour them. My parents are also very close to my brother's children.

Original poster
Festivalpartygirl · 30/03/2022 09:52

@worriedatthistime yes I’ve always noticed over the years, never once did my DC get invited for sleepover, she had SIL’s every weekend when they were younger, never had mine despite DS & DD are now teenagers. I put it down to they’d been through one lot of grandkids and weren’t doing it again!

OP posts:
CatsandDogs22 · 30/03/2022 09:59

Ouch.
Your kids will be ok without active grand parents though. I’ve been those kids. My grandparents on both sides were not interested - the one that might have been, mums mum, died before any of us were born.
It was only when I had kids that I saw what we missed - and funnily enough that’s more with their paternal grandmother than anyone. Honestly what a ridiculous thing to say. I hope she realises one day what she’s missed because of her own doing.

CatsandDogs22 · 30/03/2022 10:01

gah missed the line that should have been between those two lines. We didn’t notice the lack of grandparent involvement because we never had it. It was always just our nuclear family and I think my sisters and I are closer because of that.

Georgeskitchen · 30/03/2022 10:04

MIL here, mother of sons, great relationship with DILs and close relationship with granddaughters. Boths DILs still have their mums and we all get on fine with each other. Meet at family gatherings but not each others pockets. So it IS possible for inlaw families to get on well!!

cptartapp · 30/03/2022 10:07

SIL DC have always been favoured over ours. But as SIL had all her wedding paid for and a hefty house deposit and DH got neither, it's not surprising the favouritism continued down the line.
FIL once even called my nephews 'ours!'

WimpoleHat · 30/03/2022 10:08

I keep hearing this weird idea on Mumsnet that grandparents are closer to their daughter's children.

To be fair, it’s a pretty well established truism; not the case in every family, of course, but pretty well known. The MIL/DIL relationship is notoriously difficult; it’s much easier to say “back off” or “stop it” to your own mother. And much easier to give a daughter constructive advice than your son’s wife. My lovely older friend has a son and a daughter and would agree with this; she doesn’t prefer one set of grandchildren, but she does find it a lot easier to deal with her DD than her DIL in this regard (for all they get along very well).

OP - don’t stew on it. I’m sure your MIL didn’t think and didn’t mean to hurt you - let her know it upset you (even if you only get your DH to mention it). If you have a good relationship otherwise, it’s a shame to sour it over what was probably just a thoughtless remark. If you’d made a silly comment and inadvertently upset her, I’m sure you’d rather know and be able to apologise and set the record straight.

Eyeplayer · 30/03/2022 10:14

I’m really sorry you lost your mum and I can see why the comments and actions would upset you.

To be completely honest, as a mother of a girl and a boy I can see why the process of my daughter having a baby might seem more special-i carried her and her carrying her own baby would be quite emotional. But once the baby arrives I can’t see why I would love or treat them any differently to my son’s baby.
(All hypothetical as my daughter doesn’t even want children!)

Darklane · 30/03/2022 10:24

MIL here too, I only have sons so no experience of daughters.
I have a really good relationship with my DiL, think of her as the daughter I never had.
In the early days though I think you try hard not to intrude too much, don’t want to be seen as the classic interfering MiL plus it often feels like it’s her mother that pushes you out rather than the DiL, especially when the baby is newborn. In my case I was lucky to be able to establish a good relationship with the grandchildren as the other parents soon moved away after the children were born so I was the one who did the school runs etc.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/03/2022 10:29

My mam died before DH and I had children. My MIL loves all 5 of her GC and never treats our 3 differently to SIL's 2. If anything ours get much more time and attention because we live 10 mins walk from PIL whereas SIL has moved to the North of Scotland.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 10:30

we have a very low contact relationship as my dh is disgusted with how little interest she shows in her GC

She chose to have children, she didn't choose to have grandchildren. Maybe she has a nice life and likes to lead it without further responsibility. Does "lack of interest" = "won't do free childcare". But maybe my view is coloured by the fact that my grandfathers both died before I was born, and my grandmothers were both very elderly and lived a long way away so they were distant figures who I saw once a year at most.

However, if you are interested in your grandchildren, it should be all of them, not favouring the set from one child over another.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/03/2022 10:32

That's rubbish. I am besotted by my grandchildren, it doesn't matter that they are my son's children.

worriedatthistime · 30/03/2022 10:36

@yellowsuninthesky no you assumed wrong lack of interest doesn't mean free childcare
We manage that ourselves all fine thanks
Lack of interest means not playing with them when visits , taking her daughters kids out for days out and telling mine all about it or as they got older seeing pictures all over facebook with even her step grandchildren included but mine rarely asked
She does and always has done lots of free childcare for sil kids though but if we ever asked for a favour it was always a hassle despite saying ask me don't ask your friends etc
Tbf she wasn't the best mum to dh either but as he had seen her with sisters kids he thought that maybe this time would be different
My two boys have no real time for her now and dh is the same , we remain low contact ( not that I think she notices that ) but when she needs care we won't be the ones running around thats for sure

Sally872 · 30/03/2022 11:03

My sister having a baby is more special to me than my sister in law because I am closer to my sister we have a relationship where I can pop in, pick baby up, she will go for a nap if she likes. Basically I can go see the baby more easily and be helpful more easily knowing she will tell me if anything i do is annoying her.

With my brothers children it isn't the same as conscious of new mum's feelings knowing she would just tell me to go and I would be very careful not to over step or make her feel like she can't relax.

I love the nephews on both sides equally and as they grow am close to them all.

I suppose my point is it doesn't mean she cares or loves your child any less. Very tactless or her to mention it at all though.

Sally872 · 30/03/2022 11:03

*wouldn't just tell me to go

Merrymouse · 30/03/2022 11:12

It’s not true - it depends completely on the grand parents.

However it was a very thoughtless remark in the circumstances and I would mention something to her. “I know you weren’t thinking, but it upset me because having lost my mum, it’s really important that my children have a close relationship with you”. Make it positive.

worriedatthistime · 30/03/2022 11:53

@Sally872 but you just said one is more special than the other
Also the fact you spend more time will likely make you more closer
And not all sisters get on , some sil get on better
So its entirely dependant
Would you say to your brother , our sister having a baby is more special than you to his face

Holly60 · 30/03/2022 12:14

@WimpoleHat

I keep hearing this weird idea on Mumsnet that grandparents are closer to their daughter's children.

To be fair, it’s a pretty well established truism; not the case in every family, of course, but pretty well known. The MIL/DIL relationship is notoriously difficult; it’s much easier to say “back off” or “stop it” to your own mother. And much easier to give a daughter constructive advice than your son’s wife. My lovely older friend has a son and a daughter and would agree with this; she doesn’t prefer one set of grandchildren, but she does find it a lot easier to deal with her DD than her DIL in this regard (for all they get along very well).

OP - don’t stew on it. I’m sure your MIL didn’t think and didn’t mean to hurt you - let her know it upset you (even if you only get your DH to mention it). If you have a good relationship otherwise, it’s a shame to sour it over what was probably just a thoughtless remark. If you’d made a silly comment and inadvertently upset her, I’m sure you’d rather know and be able to apologise and set the record straight.

It’s only a truism on mumsnet though. I’m a granny and neither myself or any of my friends have professed to loving the children of our sons any less than the children of our daughters.

I thought perhaps I would be more worried about my daughter in childbirth than I was about my DDIL but in the event I was on tenterhooks for both girls. I adore all my grandchildren and would never think of some as more special than others.

Holly60 · 30/03/2022 12:17

Oh and yes sometimes I’m less tactful with my DD than my DDIL but to be honest I know this annoys my DD so I try not to do it. My DDIL I’m sure appreciates my tact with her so in some ways we get on better. I also am more tactful with my DSIL than my DS- but it doesn’t actually mean we don’t get on brilliantly.

Greenbather · 30/03/2022 13:47

Load of old cobblers, tell her that next time!