Feeling intense guilt for having children - can anything make me feel better?

Worrikin · 2022-03-27T10:41:03+00:00

I love my children so much that I feel sick with fear and guilt for the world I have brought them into. Potential world war either now (Russia) or in the future (China?), climate change. I didn't see this before or I would never have done it. I want to weep and don't know how I'll stop. I hate myself.

parietal · 27/03/2022 11:44

the world has always been massively uncertain. in the 50s and 60s, people were convinced their kids would die in a nuclear war with russia but it did not happen. And other similar fears of 'the end of the world' have been around for 100s of years.

stop reading every detail of the depressing news sites and look for the hopeful stories of people who are making the world better. you and your kids can help make the world better too.
www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

and if the weeping and feeling that you hate yourself persist, do talk to a doctor and/or get counselling.

Original poster

Worrikin · 27/03/2022 11:48

Thank you, I have contacted the GP. I'm not feeling very happy at all, quite the opposite!

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AlexaShutUp · 27/03/2022 11:48

I grew up in the cold war period, where the threat of nuclear war never seemed that far away. I also remember hearing about the hole in the ozone layer, the AIDS pandemic etc. So there were plenty of things to worry about. I have never once wished that I wasn't born.

I have never regretted having my dd either. Yes, there are plenty of problems in the world, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she is happy and thriving.

It sounds like you probably need to get some help with your mental health, OP. Maybe talk to your GP?

AnIconOfImperfections · 27/03/2022 11:49

Stop it. The world has always been a terrifying, unstable place, if it’s not Russia, it’s something else. Put an embargo on sensationalist media and concentrate on your immediate world. That’s all you can control and is all that matters really.

I’m glad my parents decided to bring me into the world despite the world being a scary place. Being alive is a wonderful honour.

LimeSegment · 27/03/2022 11:49

I am very pessimistic about the future but it's a little self indulgent to say you never would have done it if you knew, you did know and you still did it. You just chose to put it out of your mind because you wanted children.

I am not going to patronise you and say that things will be OK, they won't be. But I try to just hope that they will have a good life for as long as they can. Ultimately they will have to take their chances, and one day die, that is no different to every person ever born.

AlexaShutUp · 27/03/2022 11:49

X post. It's good that you have spoken to your GP. I hope that things start looking a little brighter soon.

Original poster

Worrikin · 27/03/2022 11:51

That's the thing, I honestly didn't know. I didn't think, I was ignorant and cosseted I guess. I would make a different decision now. And they're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Thank you for all these responses, it feels cathartic to have just said it

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BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 27/03/2022 11:53

It's the kid that are going to change things.
Just need to raise them with awareness and knowledge. Dont hide from what is going on in the to world. Put the news on every day, and make sure your kids are watching it and engaged.

JennyForeigner · 27/03/2022 12:01

With compassion, this is depression, and if you have babies, might be PND.

My son was born seriously ill and I developed postnatal OCD. A main symptom was intrusive thoughts. I was absolutely terrified for my children and couldn't look away from coverage of news stories that was profoundly upsetting.

You are doing the right thing by seeking help and I wish you well x

EveSix · 27/03/2022 12:08

I hear you re the climate. Someone will be along in a minute and say that you must have known, not realising that many yet-to-be parents simply didn't think much about the climate prior to having their priorities and horizons dramatically rearranged by parenthood.
War is terrible, but the climate will wreak global devastation. It keeps me awake at night.

upinaballoon · 27/03/2022 12:13

I wish you wouldn't feel guilt about having brought children into the world. It's so lovely to read about a woman who loves her children and isn't moaning about them being a nuisance or awfully inconvenient. Thank goodness you did it.
Study history. Remember that foul things have been done all through time but Sky News didn't tell us about it in 1283 or 3076 BC. I am in my 70s so I remember the Cuban missile crisis, when it seemed as if the world teetered, and as someone higher has said, I have never regretted that my mother gave birth to me.

Longcovid21 · 27/03/2022 12:16

Op, you're children come through you but are not of you. There are much bigger forces at work that we know. You can't stop your children going out into the world.

LimeSegment · 27/03/2022 12:16

It's just simply not possible to say you didn't know about climate change, unless you are in your 90s and your children are 70+.

Its just so easy to give in to our biological urges, then later say you'd make a different decision.

Look I'm not critisizing your decision, I made the same one. But I think part of accepting the guilt is confronting your choices honestly. Not hide behind "oh poor me, I didn't know".

riotlady · 27/03/2022 12:17

On the subject of climate change, I really recommend Kimberly Nicholas- she has a book (Under The Sky We Make) but she also has an e newsletter and is active on Twitter. She’s a climate scientist so takes it very seriously but she’s also optimistic about there still being the possibility for change, and also does a lot of work on climate grief and working through your feelings ie. climate change.

Comedycook · 27/03/2022 12:18

Loads of people have kids...they're not all weeping at the state of the world. There's always been issues. Ww1, ww2, the cold war, recessions etc etc

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Worrikin · 27/03/2022 12:24

@Comedycook

Loads of people have kids...they're not all weeping at the state of the world. There's always been issues. Ww1, ww2, the cold war, recessions etc etc

Well nobody would think I was either, nobody in my life would know i feel like this

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Original poster

Worrikin · 27/03/2022 12:25

@riotlady thanks I'll look into this

@upinaballoon thanks for your kind words

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Longcovid21 · 27/03/2022 12:25

I'm not a climate change denier but I do think the planet is incredible. Spinning on its axis in the perfect way to keep us beautifully travelling through the universe. Why would you not want your children to experience that, even for a moment.

Comedycook · 27/03/2022 12:31

You know what's interesting though. We watch stuff on the news but if we had no access to media, the vast vast majority of news we wouldn't even know about.

powershowerforanhour · 27/03/2022 12:36

" I honestly didn't know. I didn't think, I was ignorant and cosseted I gues"

Wilful ignorance- you chose not to think about it till you'd safely had the children, the deal was done with no going back then you could afford to get all WOE IS ME because you got what you wanted. I had children knowing it, I still very occasionally go on flights- should I hate myself too? Should most of mumsnet and half the world hate themselves too?

Wrt to war- it's always been there. My dad used to check under his car every morning; my friend's husband still does and they're not being paranoid, it's in the manual if you get me. I'm glad I was born.

Get counselling and/or happy pills if you need them, if not then dry your eyes and join a wildlife conservation group or something. Or grow your own food to save food miles- dig potato drills till your hands are blistered, your bra is sweaty and your back is aching, it'll take your mind off the misery for a bit.

LimeSegment · 27/03/2022 12:39

I'm not sure about that, I think even without the news I'd be starting to twig at this point. The weather is all wrong, rain at the wrong times and heat waves. The last few years there have been both floods and fires in my suburb where historically there weren't either. Some species of birds and insects you used to see all the time, now you don't see them any more.

Original poster

Worrikin · 27/03/2022 12:47

@JennyForeigner

With compassion, this is depression, and if you have babies, might be PND.

My son was born seriously ill and I developed postnatal OCD. A main symptom was intrusive thoughts. I was absolutely terrified for my children and couldn't look away from coverage of news stories that was profoundly upsetting.

You are doing the right thing by seeking help and I wish you well x

Thank you, I do have diagnosed OCD. A lot of this resonates, thanks for sharing and hope you're well

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Garimond · 27/03/2022 12:50

There are things we can do and teach our DC about! Every adult has the power to make a difference when it comes to food consumption and soil health. We over produce food globally and waste about a third of it which is a horrific waste of energy and resources. We eat three times a day and every time we do, we can make choices about not wasting food, eating seasonally, eating more vegetables, more simply, and whether we put our money in to the hands of a local producer or a multi national. Whether we eat an unprocessed product or something that is highly processed containing lots of chemicals.
If every individual, household, street, town, city, country did that to the best best of their ability it could have a significant impact on climate change, the planet, and our resistance to viruses.

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Worrikin · 27/03/2022 12:53

Yes, but none of that will matter if we end up in a nuclear war! With the climate, there is a lot we can do at the local level and with lobbying but there's nothing we can do about megalomaniacs and geopolitics. I think this is what I'm finding overwhelming. I know I've been selfish and stupid, I'm very awake to that

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Moonface123 · 27/03/2022 13:11

You are over catastrophising, don't watch the news, it only focuses on the worst aspects of life. Go on more positive sites, learn all you about the spiritual, (non religous) path, you will find enormous peace when you only concern yourself with the here and now not the maybes. Its not about pretending everything is ok but learning to live happily and calmly in a very uncertain world, to be aware, but not to absorb .