Feeling intense guilt for having children - can anything make me feel better?

[Worrikin]

I love my children so much that I feel sick with fear and guilt for the world I have brought them into. Potential world war either now (Russia) or in the future (China?), climate change. I didn't see this before or I would never have done it. I want to weep and don't know how I'll stop. I hate myself.

@Moonface123 that's good advice, thank you

If your main fear is war though, how can you say you didn't know? It's been a part of civilisation since humans have existed.

Children were born in wars, back in the days when there was a risk of plague, when lots of women died in childbirth, life expectancy was far far lower - think about history. I think in terms of freedom,equality, life expectancy, general health, peace this is actually one of the best times in history to be born in, if those things are important to you. Obviously it could be better and climate change is a big issue, but it’s only because all the bad news is shoved in our face 24/7 it seems worse. We’ve just lived through probably a small 80 year window in the history of Europe of there being no pandemics or wars…we’ve been spoilt so that’s why the current situation seems bad 🤷‍♀️

Yes Lime, you've made it very clear that I knew what I was getting into and deliberately did it anyway so I should shut up and suck it up. I understand your point. Thanks for your contributions

@Worryworry887

Children were born in wars, back in the days when there was a risk of plague, when lots of women died in childbirth, life expectancy was far far lower - think about history. I think in terms of freedom,equality, life expectancy, general health, peace this is actually one of the best times in history to be born in, if those things are important to you. Obviously it could be better and climate change is a big issue, but it’s only because all the bad news is shoved in our face 24/7 it seems worse. We’ve just lived through probably a small 80 year window in the history of Europe of there being no pandemics or wars…we’ve been spoilt so that’s why the current situation seems bad 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I completely agree

"Yes, but none of that will matter if we end up in a nuclear war! "

Well keep buggering on for now doing your bit. Then if there's a flash of light and you see a mushroom cloud go up you can think "YOU TWAT PUTIN, ALL THAT TIME I SPENT SORTING RECYCLING GONE TO WASTE" but at least you won't be annoyed for long. If there isn't ever a mushroom cloud- vindicated. Result.

I'm not say you should shut up, I think this is a valuable discussion, if we discuss the real issues that is.

@Worrikin

Yes, but none of that will matter if we end up in a nuclear war! With the climate, there is a lot we can do at the local level and with lobbying but there's nothing we can do about megalomaniacs and geopolitics. I think this is what I'm finding overwhelming. I know I've been selfish and stupid, I'm very awake to that

Well yes in one way it's a very selfish act to have children but the world would not continue if we didn't. And children who grow up in peaceful stable times with lots of material comforts don't necessarily escape illness or mh problems. There is no denying that the prospect of war is frightening and war itself is indescribably devastating, but humanity has survived for thousands of years fighting each other. To worry about and sometimes to feel physically sick with anxiety is the price we pay for loving others. But it would be good to get some outside support if you feel this level of anxiety permanently.

And your dc are here now and they need you to be cheerful, encouraging and optimistic without being Pollyanna-ish about it. You can set an example to them by modelling resilience, making small changes in your life where you can make a difference, and talking to them about world issues in a balanced, sensible and reassuring way. You wouldn't be a good mother if you weren't worried about their future but all we can do is put one step ahead of the other, prepare for the worst (in the limited ways we can) and hope for the best

Can you try and divert your anxiety in to doing some practical and peaceful things like sewing seeds? It's the perfect time of year! Gardening has the dual advantage of giving you and your dc something to look forward to, while being out in the fresh air enjoying nature. Just being around plants is meant to be good for mh. It might help

@powershowerforanhour

"Yes, but none of that will matter if we end up in a nuclear war! "

Well keep buggering on for now doing your bit. Then if there's a flash of light and you see a mushroom cloud go up you can think "YOU TWAT PUTIN, ALL THAT TIME I SPENT SORTING RECYCLING GONE TO WASTE" but at least you won't be annoyed for long. If there isn't ever a mushroom cloud- vindicated. Result.

That made me laugh :-)

Thank you @Garimond , good advice I'll take it on board

@Worrikin

Thank you *@Garimond* , good advice I'll take it on board

Well it's hard to know what to say without sounding patronising and happy clappy. . But life I think is just about muddling and struggling along the best we can most of the time and although we like to think we are in control, we never really are! Sorry if that sounds scary but in some ways knowing that is freeing too in some ways.

On a practical note, are you getting enough sleep? If you have young DC, lack of sleep can have a profoundly negative effect on optimism or positive outlook.

Yes that's definitely not helping! I think the advice about thinking smaller would really help.

I get where you're coming from, OP.

And I can't help but notice that most of the people I know who sneer and snap that "bad things have happened all through history and we're all fine" are people who aren't currently living in a war zone or watching their kids die from hunger.

For every person who lived through a disaster untouched, there are many who have felt unimaginable guilt watching their kids huddle in bomb shelters or lose their homes in climate-change-related fires.

It may never be you – and most people on mumsnet are lucky enough that it hasn't been.

But one day it might be, and it's not 'ridiculous' to consider it.

• It may never be you – and most people on mumsnet are lucky enough that it hasn't been.

But one day it might be, and it's not 'ridiculous' to consider it.*

Thank you, this is exactly it @fromagreatheight

That said - I do think it's important to follow some of the constructive advice given on this thread and temper the panic with some pragmatism... and @Garimond's sentiment is beautiful To worry about and sometimes to feel physically sick with anxiety is the price we pay for loving others :)

But I can't stand by when people tell you 'Oh just stop it' –it's horribly dismissive and displays an embarrassing combination of privilege and lack of imagination.

I appreciate it, I really do.

And yes, that does put it so well. Life is beautiful and wonderful because of that love and it's also the thing that makes it unbearable. A total paradox.

Hi - you say your kids are the best thing that ever happened to you and you care deeply about the world they live in
You sound like a great parent, and your kids are lucky to have you !!
I bet you are great at solving problems
The trouble with world issues they are not problems we can ‘resolve’ and it is fraught with uncertainty and worry
We have to disengage from worry and uncertainty if there isn’t anything we can do other than acknowledge it,
Work on what you can control - and be proud of yourself for tackling that x

@Longcovid21

Op, you're children come through you but are not of you. There are much bigger forces at work that we know. You can't stop your children going out into the world.

What does this mean? I’m not sure I understand it.

@Schmz That's so kind, thank you x

With anxiety I find it helps to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it, therefore how is worrying about it improving my life?

I CAN'T change all the things that make this world bad. I CAN make my child's life as best as it can be. I CAN find enjoyment in my life. I CAN make small differences.

Every time I'm reminded of animals or children coming to harm I give my cats or my child a big hug and think "at least I can give them the best life".

It's all you can do. The badness can't go away, you can only focus on living a nice life instead of focusing on the bad things, which would give you a horrible life - and you can't do that to your children.

Or . . . Your kids might end up making major changes, you don’t know. Do you think Greta Thunberg’s parents regret having her? Your children could grow up to be part of the force for climate change, political change, a new power source - just make them aware and you never know what they could achieve. Family, friendship, love and the belief that humanity can do better is the best way we can live our lives, rather than fear stopping us from even trying.

Kahil Gilbran

Btw by my comments in NO WAY did I mean to diminish the experience of people living in Ukraine or any of the other many war zones in the world, or in poverty, or any other terrible situation, but was just making the point that, in comparison to the rest of history, people living in this country are actually in an ok position and unfortunately the norm is poverty , war, disease and people have still had children throughout history in those situations.

@Longcovid21 I've just ordered the prophet on this recommendation

@Worryworry887 it didn't come across like that at all, it made complete sense

Good and bad times have always been cyclical. I'm just glad my children are too young to know what's happening and I hope that by the time they do understand things are on the up. I do think we are reaching our nadir. There is always hope.