Is it normal to feel you've done a horrible job of parenting when they reach their teens?

[Habitatty282]

DS used to be the sweetest boy, very well behaved, great manners, kind and caring, just a delight.

He's not long turned 13 and I barely recognise him some days. He's petulant, moody, makes offensive 'jokes', huffs and puffs when you pull him up on stuff, the manners are slipping.

Do they eventually remember all the stuff you've been teaching them for the last decade or is it gone forever? At the moment I feel like I've done a terrible job parenting.

Oh yes!

The revert back to their sweet pre 13 year old selves at 21.

Sorry.

Two and a bit teenagers here (19 14 12)

It’s a bit like the toddler years again except with more swearing

Although the banter is ruthless
‘Gay’ is the current insult here. As in ‘oh mum you’re so gay’ !
I just smile and point out that if I was actually gay they’d probably not be here
Or I’ll say ‘ hope she’s pretty then. I’m not cuddling a minger’!

Hi OP, yes it's a very normal part of development. Please don't blame yourself, it is not your fault at all.

I have 3 dds aged 20, 19 and 15. Oldest was a breeze in her teen years, i was bracing myself for the worse but she sailed through it really. I now realise how unusual this was and I was very, very lucky!

Middle one had a difficult time around 13-15, some attitude but it was more unhappiness really. She's now 19 and much happier in her own skin and is generally lovely to be around.

But boy are we now paying for it with dd3! She is also autistic and that combined with teenage hormones is bloody awful. Rude, sullen, meltdowns, not going to bed till late, school refusal - these are just some of the current issues we are dealing with.

I definitely agree with not taking it personally but it's hard I know. Yes pick your battles but be careful not to allow some behaviours to continue. If mine want lifts or other favours, they need to ask politely and I'm not prepared to be screamed at. If you can try and stay calm when they're not. A lot of it they can't help due to brain re-wiring which leads to difficulty regulating their emotions.

It's also really important not to let their behaviour consume you with worry. It WILL pass eventually but in the meantime don't put your own life on hold. At least you can leave teens at home unlike toddlers! Me and dh are enjoying a bit of freedom going out and doing stuff and having fun (and trying very hard not to talk about dd3!).

Try and maintain the relationship as much as you can - offer a meal out or trip to Starbucks, whatever he likes. He may well refuse but at least the offer is there.

Totally normal.

I have 2 sons. Lovely sweet young boys.
Absolute pair of tosspots as teens. Now in their 20s and lovely young men

Ds is 17 now. I think the hardest age is 15 and that was in the middle of the pandemic as a single parent with no family support on my side. He is much nicer now. The post lady the delivery driver for Hermes and the local newsagent owner have all commented how polite and smiley he is. It just goes to show that all the hard work pays off... of course ds is still rude to me at times but that is at least behind close doors.

This is giving me hope - twin teenagers is not fun.

I was thinking of writing this exact post as I’m going through the same at the moment so you are not alone.

My nearly 13 year old appears to have had a personality transplant overnight.

He’s always been an easy child but recently, I don’t recognise him.

Last night and the night before, he came home from school with an attitude and general rudeness but by the end of the evening, the old him was back and we had a laugh and a joke.

They are still in there somewhere 🧐

My three are all in their 20s now and their teens are a distant memory…I genuinely cannot remember how they were …thankfully..but they remind me how awful they were 😂
I do know that I definitely picked my battles and made sure their friends were all made welcome…including the teenage booze ups and yes , i did turn a blind eye to smoking as well ….now all of them , are lovely,decent ,non smoking adults who thankfully never did get involved in any illegal substances !
Just try and go with the flow and ensure that you have good friends to moan too !!