Is it normal to feel you've done a horrible job of parenting when they reach their teens?

[Habitatty282]

DS used to be the sweetest boy, very well behaved, great manners, kind and caring, just a delight.

He's not long turned 13 and I barely recognise him some days. He's petulant, moody, makes offensive 'jokes', huffs and puffs when you pull him up on stuff, the manners are slipping.

Do they eventually remember all the stuff you've been teaching them for the last decade or is it gone forever? At the moment I feel like I've done a terrible job parenting.

Normal i think. Im a single parent and my son just doesnt talk to me anymore unless its to tell me there's no food. There is always food. Occasionally we run out of milk. He is nearly 16 and i think he might be getting a bit less sullen.

Oh yes. So normal. And heartbreaking. But they come through it. I have a son the same age and am hanging desperately onto the progress his older sister has made since her terrible teen phase.

Short answer: yes.

Am sending you solidarity. It’s tough.

I have 3 kids, eldest are now 16 and 18: they were verrrrrrrrry trying at around 13/14 for girl and about 13-16 for boy. They’re lovely now (on the whole). Hang on in there, and play the long game.

Best advice I received:

1. Don’t take attitude personally
2. Focus on the objective not the attitude: if they take the bins out with a lot of lip, focus on fact job got done.(I found this hard.)
3. Be flexible, but also fine to have your non negotiables. (I won’t accept extreme rudeness or being sworn at.)

Yes I think it's normal. My eldest was a breeze, such a lovely, sweet natured child and still the same as an adult. I put it down to my marvellous parenting. My youngest? A completely different kettle of fish. Once they hit teens every day was a battle. I used to wonder where the hell I'd gone wrong. I look back on those years with the feeling l was riding a rodeo bull. It did eventually pass however, and normal service was resumed 😄. I do think you need to hold a firm line though. I didn't tolerate disrespect.

It’s definitely within the range of normal I think!
My girls have had periods of being rather stroppy but on the whole have remained pretty sociable and pleasant company. I have to remind myself of this because on the days that they’re not, I need to know that they are nice people at heart and that we all have off days
Ds is 10 and I can already see him turning a corner from a cheerful loving funny character to someone with a sarcastic tongue and a penchant for giving me side eye.
Can I go to sleep and fast forward 10 years?!

Yes it’s normal !
The test for me is how they are with others, out of the house.

This is a very normal stage of development for teens. Some bypass the grumpy sullen stage but not all!
You do have to adjust your own parenting style though and take a step back.
My personal tips (I'm on my third) is actually to parent a bit like you did with toddlers. Pick your battles, let them win occasionally, feed them, get exercise, let them make choices but set firm boundaries. Don't tolerate rudeness or backchat. Sanctions generally don't work, but positive rewards and interactions do.
Respect their privacy (up to a point) and don't embarrass them in front of their friends. Self esteem is eggshell thin in some of these kids and there's so much going on in their lives.
I think my DD actually needs more from me now in terms of emotional support than ever.

Completely normal, just hang in there OP. My eldest DC went rogue from about 12 but I got her back at 16. DS is on the way to going rogue at almost 14, I know he will be back in a few years.

My advice is to keep your boundaries and standards up even though they will want to push them to breaking point.

My DS is 21 shortly. From 11-18 he was horrid understatement

Now he is one of the most respectful, caring, living men around and I'm very proud of him.

I promise they do come back!

*loving not living

Normal. And all the good stuff is there, just temporarily hidden under the fugg of hormonal teenager-ness. You'll get glimpses of it from time to time, just enough to remind you that your child is a good person finding their way in the world.

DD started on this age 9 and I was horrified! She's just turned 14 and there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for all the replies, reassuring to hear!

I've no idea how to parent this new child! I dont know if I should pull him up on stuff or let it go, I don't know which battles to choose!

Just as an example, I heard him call his friend autisitc last week, as in 'you're so autisitc'. His brother is autisitc, he knows damn well that's not OK. He says it's banter and everyone says it. So instead of accepting he's in the wrong, it's huffs and puffs and you don't understand, it's just a joke which then escalates the situation and we end up in a full on argument.

It's exhausting!

@Habitatty282 also having a sister who's 18 and me being young myself I can confirm these days banter is ruthless and I'm called autistic as a joke on a daily basis haha! Maybe just say you understand it's just banter but to me mindful x

cttd1 thankyou for explaining that. I said to him I understand you think it's banter but that doesn't make it OK, que more huffing and puffing.

He came home from school yesterday saying they'd all been eating ladybirds at lunchtime. I mean WTF? He didn't do that when he was 2!! But it was 'a laugh'. These are intelligent kids!

My son is coming up for 12 this year . I don't like him very much right now .

@Robin843

Yes I think it's normal. My eldest was a breeze, such a lovely, sweet natured child and still the same as an adult. I put it down to my marvellous parenting. My youngest? A completely different kettle of fish. Once they hit teens every day was a battle. I used to wonder where the hell I'd gone wrong. I look back on those years with the feeling l was riding a rodeo bull. It did eventually pass however, and normal service was resumed 😄. I do think you need to hold a firm line though. I didn't tolerate disrespect.

Just wanted to say that I really identify with the rodeo riding! A brilliant description!

Hang in hang there!

It’s going to be a bumpy ride but keep your boundaries.
Let some things go otherwise you will be bickering all day, in other words pick your battles.
Mine are through to the other side. As young adults I can’t believe the change. DS1 phones or calls round every day, makes tea for us, invites us round to his place, which is spotless! Unbelievable.

My best advice is to make time for him. Maybe once a month just you two go out for a meal and a drive to his favourite place. Don’t make a big deal about it, just say you two are going for tea.

I honestly found out so much about my lads when I did this. I’d ask how their friends were getting on. ‘ hey, I saw Luke, the other day , how’s things with him, I’ve not spoken to him in ages’ - that kind of thing. They really do open up in that situation.

totally. DS1 was a nightmare from 14 - 18. He's now 25 and delightful. Well mannered, engaging, empathic. The total.opposite of his teenage years

I hope it's normal, because yesterday morning after DS (just turned 15) had left for school, I ended up sobbing in the car to DH, saying I felt as if I'd totally failed at everything. And yet last week his English teacher phoned me to say what a lovely, lovely boy he is and how much she enjoys having him in her class, so I must have done something right. He and I seem to drift in and out of sync with each other - sometimes he's absolutely lovely, and then the shutters come down and he's horrible for a few days without any obvious trigger (at least, not one that he'll tell me). I try to lie down and have a chat with him at bedtime every school night, even if the day's been shit. It's usually just him talking about cars, but those few minutes of connection feel really important.

Someone recommended this book to me last year and it's helped a lot. Some of it's outdated, but it basically says that if you stay consistent, hold firm to your standards and just keep drip-feeding them the important messages time and time again, they will sink in and they'll eventually come out of this phase and come back to you. It's an important developmental stage but good God it's hard!

When you hear your late teen say ' the problem with kids these days is.......' you know you've reached the other side!( and they mean it!)🤣🤣
Try not to stand there with your mouth open and shutting with words failing you like I did!

I read yesterday that parenting teens is like folding a fitted sheet - it’s hard, confusing. no one knows what they’re doing but it all turns out ok in the end!

I think you need to trust that you instilled good morals pre teen, so try to trust that the basics are there and that they will come through it.

I’m sure we had about 18 months where ds barely spoke to us, but at 16, DH and I often say to each other that the bad days are less, and that we’re getting more and more glimpses of the lovely young man he’s becoming - now to go through it all again with dd!

I was going to say no, my teens are delightful and I’m relishing the proof I did good parenting. But they are now 17 and 19, And there were tricky times with both. I was lucky (and have told them so) because youngest delayed becoming a grotty teen until oldest was out of her grotty teen phase

Try not to take it personally- and when you can’t help doing so, do your angsting here or with a mate, not to them. Growing away from you, becoming an independent person, is a legitimate stage in adolescence and has to happen - the trick is to let them sever the apron strings with as little conflict as possible.

You need to accept they will do stupid things and you can’t stop them - because it’s their job to bear the consequences of their actions now, not yours to protect them from them. Obv for big things, they will come running back and you need to be there, but if he wants to eat ladybirds, let him (I mean wtf!). Raise your eybrows a LOT, but tell him he can make his own mistakes.

I found channelling my inner David Attenborough helped “now the teenager is exhibiting more ridiculous behaviour. Watch as he stomps and looks at the ground in an effort to show he is angry” helped me to see this as a phase rather than a personal insult

This is why extended family is important - the other family members tend to give sharp and immediate consequences to rudeness in a way parents can’t meaning they come through that phase quicker.

Great post MrsMcGarry