Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do you think this child has overheard her mother talking about me?

67 replies

doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 10:40

I’ve nc’d and changed a few details so as not to be recognised. In a week or so I’m sure I will have forgotten this but if anyone feels like giving me their opinion I’d be grateful.

Do you think this child is repeating what she has heard her mother talk about when mum doesn’t realise the child is listening/absorbing a conversation? And if you do, whether you would go to the trouble of letting the mother know that she’s been rumbled?

I’ve known this woman, let’s call her Diane, since the children were born 11 or so years ago. I’ve always only seen her about 4 maybe 5 times a year, so an acquaintance rather than a friend, but we were nice to each other and seemed to have a few things in common. (Or so I thought.) Since Covid I haven’t seen her socially but bump into her on a weeknight sometimes since the time of our DC’s activity became later. (Childcare needed before now.)

I suggested an outing once or twice in the last year or two but nothing has come of it. I wasn’t bothered about her not getting in touch to arrange things because I have enough people in my life and take the view that if someone isn’t interested in us I’m not going to push it.

Then her child started ignoring my child in the changing room at the activity. They only see each other there. They’re not at the same school, and we don’t live in the same town.

When the ignoring was happening I found it odd but just advised DD to focus on the activity, chat to one of the other DC there, etc

It kind of blew over & Diane’s daughter must have started speaking to my DD again. I k ow that children do this and to try to not get involved.

The last few weeks Diane’s DC has been flexing her pre-teen muscles at the activity - she’s palled up with another (new-ish) child and they are testing the boundaries. Again, not really anything to do with me; I’m mentioning it because I realise they are at an age when they are testing the reactions of people around them - their peers, parents, school staff, volunteers at activities and so on.

Anyway I saw Diane last night just to say hello to. She always gives the impression of being pleased to see me - grinning from ear to ear, making a bee-line for me, etc, but I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ve misjudged her ..

When DD got in the car she was very still & quiet (not her usual self after bouncing around for an hour). She said that Diane’s daughter was saying really unpleasant things to her in the changing room. Things about me. I’m not keen on saying the specifics of what they were but DD herself said “I mean it was obvious that she had been listening to her mum talk”.
It was stuff along the lines of “you’ve got a horrible mummy who you hardly ever see because she’s always at work WHY is she like that?” DD was upset on the journey home. She was angry and taken aback and just hadn’t known what to say to Diane’s DC. During our chat my DD said that a couple of weeks ago Diane’s daughter had been complaining to her about my hair colour “why does your mother dye her hair? Is it to make her look younger?” Etc. My hair colour is unexceptional ..
There were other specific, personal things Confused

I know it all sounds terribly petty but I’ve been really kind to Diane in the past - I’ve done nothing to hurt her or upset her. I just don’t understand why people have to be so pernicious. I think it’s clear Diane’s daughter has heard her bitching about me. I hope I’m wrong but the more I think about it the more naive I think I’ve been.

My daughter is adamant that she’s not going back to the activity but it seems such a shame when she loves the teacher and she’s been going in one form or another (accompanied by parent) since she was two years old.

I’d love to come up with something breezy in a message along the lines of “so good of you to be thinking about she told me that was worried about her not spending enough time with her mummy. Aw .. it’s so sweet of her to be concerned but tell her not to worry”.

I’m so sick of people doing stuff like this and I never ever challenge them. I just withdraw. This time I feel like making her squirm. I’ve got nothing to lose really.

OP posts:
muddyford · 23/03/2022 12:34

I wouldn't presume Diane has said anything. This sounds like pre-teen bitching and envy. Don't contact Diane but have a word with the organisers of the activity.

Original poster
doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 12:50

Thanks everyone - at work hence not coming back for ages. Just writing a response now - lost what I’d written because page reloaded.

I knew the text was passive aggressive but I can’t bring myself to be direct.

Will write more in a mo

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/03/2022 12:51

@doineedtotoughenup

Thanks everyone - at work hence not coming back for ages. Just writing a response now - lost what I’d written because page reloaded.

I knew the text was passive aggressive but I can’t bring myself to be direct.

Will write more in a mo

Either be direct or don't bother. Passive aggressive will just make things worse.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 12:59

The text was fantasising really; I’d never send it.

I think I will go down the speaking to the teacher route. The teacher is lovely they work hard for not an enormous income, and are really talented, so I feel a pain and a bit of a pest contacting them about politics. But it does seem the most sensible way to go.

If I can take DD somewhere to get changed before we arrive that should remove a bit of the problem - they won’t be in the changing room afterwards. Then ask the teacher to make sure they’re not together after that. But I suspect that DD will kick up a great big fuss in the car and refuse to go. It’s such a shame.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 23/03/2022 13:00

I'd prioritise teaching your DD to hone her 'shit filter'.

She will encounter lots of people in her life who talk utter shite. It's a good skill to learn to let some stuff just go over your head and not be bothered by it.

At some point we have to find out that there are unpleasant people who say malicious stuff to get a response from us. Best way to respond is with no reaction whatsoever so they get no fun from it.

I wouldn't be texting. What do you actually think you're going to achieve?

MrsPsmalls · 23/03/2022 13:10

Honestly I would do nothing at all other than reassure your daughter. 'Ah well, doesn't sound like Dianne's DD likes me very much, haha, that's a shame, no worries' People do this sort of thing all the time and if you want dd to be confident and resilient,you have to model that you care not one jot.

lljkk · 23/03/2022 13:13

This is very odd language for "preteens"

you’ve got a horrible mummy who you hardly ever see because she’s always at work WHY is she like that?

Original poster
doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 13:14

Grin I know it is utterly pointless, in my dreams Diane would be really embarrassed but of course I wouldn’t be there to witness that embarrassment so as you say it is utterly pointless Blush

I agree with everyone saying DD needs to toughen up but I don’t think I’m clear enough in my own mind as to how to achieve that. I don’t know what my immediate response should be on hearing something like this. My standard response would be something like “oh that’s sad. Well if you think she’s not a true friend then maybe you should ignore her and play with/spend time with someone else”.

I would love it if DD came back at them with some smart reply that let them know they’d better not mess with her, but I’m no Dorothy Parker myself so the training/conditioning isn’t there.

OP posts:
Original poster
doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 13:18

MrsPsmalls I try to do that but I think my face probably gives it away. I definitely need to do it though.

I do make sure I don’t feed into it by mentioning it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
doineedtotoughenup · 23/03/2022 13:22

I do appreciate the advice and differing points of view.

Genuine thank you.

OP posts:
PainterMummy · 23/03/2022 13:24

Totally agree, don’t text Diane. Just disengage from her.

I think I’d advise my DD how to deal with such nastiness as to rise above the nastiness and simply reply, “my mother has always told me that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Maybe tack on, “Shane your mother hadn’t taught you that.”

Also make a complaint to the organiser. Let them deal with it.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 23/03/2022 13:55

If she's angry and taken aback rather than just upset, i think that's a good thing. Anger is a powerful emotion and she has a right to be angry about someone trying to bully her.

Is she upset that you're upset, or that you've been maligned if you see what I mean?
Can you demonstrate a strong response ie not pass-ag, but rise above it - look DD, if Diane and her daughter have nothing better to do than moan about me, that's their problem not mine. Now, I will speak to the teacher to make sure you have her support if mini-D keeps on bullying you, but for now let's concentrate on having fun at activity as we always do - their weird behaviour is nothing to do with us!

And distance yourself from Diane, that goes without saying.

1forAll74 · 23/03/2022 13:59

It's all a bit silly. just ride above it. No need to write a lengthy post about something like this.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/03/2022 14:00

I think that I would bring it up with the organisers as it is clear bullying
Yes, probably she is likely to be reflecting what her mother has said to some extent. But regardless, she is intentionally upsetting your DD.
I have a rule with my dds of never quitting an activity on a bad day. So I would contact the organiser quietly outside of the club meet and make sure dd goes along to the next meet.
It might well blow over between the girls.
I would never look at the mother again!

Poppy92r · 23/03/2022 14:12

Ignore and rise above it. There's no good outcome to getting down to her level.

She's not a friend, she's just the mother of a child that your kid knows at swimming/tennis whatever the activity is. It's not worth it, you won't win.

Stay in your own lane and focus on being the best version of yourself as an example to your DD!Smile

Pbbananabagel · 23/03/2022 14:17

Teach your daughter to say ‘yes, my mum is an amazing mum and works full time, she does it all and makes it look easy. I have so much respect for her’ and let THAT be the message that goes home with mini-Diane

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 14:19

Disengage with Diane and tell your DD to ignore the girl. Have a word with the teacher. Keep her getting changed elsewhere for now until it dies down, passes over and then try to get her back into changing with the other girls.

I had a DM who was a teacher - in a time (1970s) where most mums didn't work - luckily none of the other parents dared to say anything and certainly not the children - I suspect some of the mums would've loved to have worked. You are not unusual in working at all!

Littlemissprosecco · 23/03/2022 14:32

There’s another thread running where someone has said “ No friends is better than crap friends” . I’ve never heard that before, but sincerely wish I had.
Good luck, sometimes things just aren’t worth it

Foghead · 23/03/2022 14:37

Just take it for what is - rubbish insulting talk - and then ignore it. It a good time to teach your DD that unfortunately, you can’t control what others say but only your own actions.
Bullies are often unhappy people and the best thing to do is step away (after considering any other practical actions such as informing anyone for safeguarding reasons)

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/03/2022 14:47

At 11 it's not necessarily coming from the mum, children that age can be nasty.

If you've known the mum all this time you could ring her and tell her what's been said and how it's upset your dd. Or you could let the teacher know what's going on.

ukborn · 23/03/2022 14:52

No I wouldn't think that was likely. More likely someone said it to her (about her mum) and she is now repeating it to your daughter (like boss yells at worker, worker yells at wife, who in turn yells at kid, who then kicks the dog). I mean unless you have other reason to believe 'Diane' feels you neglect your kids?

TerryChoc · 23/03/2022 14:54

Fgs you can’t win, SAHM and you’re some sort of get out of work clause and working mum you’re not there for the children. Classic.
It’s definitely the mother but it’s clearly that just gossip. I would be absolutely fuming in your position but wouldn’t approach it just wait until her downfall, which will come.

sweetbellyhigh · 23/03/2022 15:06

I don't think Diane or her daughter are going to suddenly turn into nice people. Honestly I wouldn't engage.

Just ask the activity teacher whether anything can be done to keep your daughter safe from the bully kid. Because ultimately that's what you want surely? Your child to keep enjoying her activity and to waste no energy on bullies.

There are plenty of dick parents out there, ignore ignore

sweetbellyhigh · 23/03/2022 15:08

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

At 11 it's not necessarily coming from the mum, children that age can be nasty.

If you've known the mum all this time you could ring her and tell her what's been said and how it's upset your dd. Or you could let the teacher know what's going on.

Children can be nasty yes but this does sound like a child repeating criticism. What child would care or even notice whether another child's mother worked?
ChloeHel · 23/03/2022 15:19

Honestly if I was you I’d brush the whole thing under the carpet and just move on. Like you said, the kids aren’t in the same school and you live in different towns so there will be no issues to just never speak to her and your DD never speak to her DC again.

Life’s too short to get worked up about stuff like this. She may have very well said those things; and if she was a close friend I’d say to bring it up, but she’s not, so no love loss there.