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Original poster

Giving money to a friend.

49 replies

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 07:53

Friend can make ends meet by budgeting very carefully. She has an essential big ticket item to cover, which I know she’s been saving for. I’d like to give her £10k to cover this. I think if I offered she would be embarrassed and decline, and that may lead to the end of our friendship. I don’t think she would know it was me if the money was anonymous. I can’t really drop £10k in £50 notes through her door. Has anyone used a solicitor for this type of thing or some other means? What haven’t I thought of?

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 22/03/2022 07:57

Have you thought how she may react to receiving a gift of 10K when she has no idea where it came from? She could think it is from a stalker and may start to look at people in a completely different way. It would drive me mad not knowing where the money came from and why.

Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 08:02

@FiveShelties yes I have. Which is why I think I probably need to go down the solicitor route so she knows it’s all legit….but just checking the collective brain of MN in case there is something I haven’t thought of.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 22/03/2022 08:18

Is the item essential and urgent or something that can wait?
Have you thought about offering her an interest free loan? That way she can buy the item now and repay at whatever rate she is saving at without loosing face.
Having been in the position myself of barely making ends meet, it was important to me to know I could manage and pay my way even if it was a struggle. That said I would never have taken on a debt of £10k knowing I’d never be able to repay it.

If she’s putting money aside towards it then she may be able to repay it and if it’s an urgently needed item she might take up your offer.
It will likely affect your friendship though.

Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 08:25

@gillybean2 it’s essential but can wait…but not forever. I hadn’t thought of an interest free loan……but that would make me feel uncomfortable!!!! I would feel awful knowing she is saving to pay us back when this is money we don’t need.

OP posts:
SmolCat · 22/03/2022 09:04

If she declines tell her to think about it. Explain that you feel like family and it’s important to you that family take care of each other. Reiterate that you won’t miss the money and it will be better with her.

Then step back and give her space.

katicomps · 22/03/2022 09:07

Talk to her straight up but don't force the money on her without her permission, I'd find that so weirdly controlling.

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2022 09:09

Why on earth would you do this, do you have saviour complex?

Cocomarine · 22/03/2022 09:11

@FiveShelties

Have you thought how she may react to receiving a gift of 10K when she has no idea where it came from? She could think it is from a stalker and may start to look at people in a completely different way. It would drive me mad not knowing where the money came from and why.
1000x this! Something from a solicitor wouldn’t make that any easier for me. This is nuts! You think it could be friendship ending to offer it directly as a gift - how friendship ending would it be if she found out you’d tried to force it on her via a solicitor?

She doesn’t need it straight away, and she has a plan to save for it, and is good at budgeting. So don’t patronise her. Offer, then accept if she refuses.

katicomps · 22/03/2022 09:12

What would you think if she says to you "yeah, somebody put 10k in my account and I feel really weird about keeping it because It's such a strange thing to have happen … buts it ok I've given it to charity"

DoWhatYouLike · 22/03/2022 09:12

If your friend doesn't want it, my address is.......

Cocomarine · 22/03/2022 09:14

@katicomps

What would you think if she says to you "yeah, somebody put 10k in my account and I feel really weird about keeping it because It's such a strange thing to have happen … buts it ok I've given it to charity"
🙈 god yes! Or you think she’ll spend it on this essential but not urgent item - a car? - and she actually spends half on a cheaper item (that you think isn’t a good choice) and half on a frivolous (to you) holiday?
romdowa · 22/03/2022 09:23

Could you offer to buy the item for her ? Or just buy it and gift it ?

Eueike · 22/03/2022 09:24

Not a good friend if you can’t be honest and if being honest means end of the friendship then not a good friend still

Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 09:37

@katicomps I’d be completely fine with that. Once you give anyone money it’s up to them how they spend it……it giving it away makes her feel good then I’m fine with that.

OP posts:
LaraDeSalle · 22/03/2022 09:37

If you offer the amount she needs, you run the risk of the friendship cooling if she see’s you as being, ‘I’ve got more money than you.’

I would wait until you’re chatting comfortably
and say that there’s a lot going on now with the cost of living rising, fuel costs, utilities etc and that you are fortunate that your family is managing ok. Then you could say, something along the lines of, ‘If you ever need help or are struggling, please ask us. We can help out financially as a gift or interest free loan.’

Then it’s up to her to suggest an amount if she wants your help.

Personally I think these situations rarely go well.

Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 09:38

@romdowa…..I could offer to buy part of it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/03/2022 09:41

@SmolCat

If she declines tell her to think about it. Explain that you feel like family and it’s important to you that family take care of each other. Reiterate that you won’t miss the money and it will be better with her.

Then step back and give her space.

Excellent advice.

Anonymous is creepy and I think she would end up.asking you directly.....would you then lie?

Do as @SmolCat has suggested and leave her to make her choice.

Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 09:43

@pinkyredrose why not? No I don’t have a savior complex at all, but we have more than we need. I mean I could spend it on a nicer car or upgrade our holidays, but I don’t need (or want) to do that. I have a friend whom I could help out, make the stretch to the end of the month a little less of a stretch…..is it such a bonkers idea to try and make someone’s life a bit easier when the impact to mine is zero?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 09:45

@SmolCat and @LaraDeSalle thank you. I think that is probably the best way forward.

OP posts:
ka147 · 22/03/2022 09:46

Id prob say I won some money on a scratch card or something and I wanted to share it

florianfortescue · 22/03/2022 09:47

I think it's a lovely thing to want to do. £10k is a huge amount though so id approach this tentatively.

You could initially just say that you'd like to help her out with the purchase of this big ticket item for the reasons mentioned above (being like family etc). Her reaction will let you know how to proceed. If she's horrified you should drop it. If she's grateful you can suggest the amount further down the line. Don't go straight in with £10k on the table.

FiveShelties · 22/03/2022 09:47

[quote Cisforcamel]@pinkyredrose why not? No I don’t have a savior complex at all, but we have more than we need. I mean I could spend it on a nicer car or upgrade our holidays, but I don’t need (or want) to do that. I have a friend whom I could help out, make the stretch to the end of the month a little less of a stretch…..is it such a bonkers idea to try and make someone’s life a bit easier when the impact to mine is zero?[/quote]
It is not bonkers to want to make her life easier, but I think it is to do it via a solicitor.

Giving it via a solicitor does not mean it has been given for a legit reason - it could have come from anyone and have been given for any reason. How would you feel if it happened to you?

Lurkingandlearning · 22/03/2022 09:52

How about saying you had a win (lottery, premium bonds) and would like to share it with her. A lie, but very similar to wanting to share the good fortune you’ve already had to be in the position to offer the money

Sswhinesthebest · 22/03/2022 10:00

The win is a good idea or you could make it an early or late one off extra special birthday gift. Hand her the cheque and laughingly say “don’t expect it every year”
If she tries to say no then.
“I really want to as I really value your friendship and want to help. You’ll be insulting me if you say no” - tinkly laugh

Tryingtokeepgoing · 22/03/2022 10:01

It’s a difficult one to pull off without appearing patronising, so I agree with those who’ve said tread slowly. I think I’d go down the lines of letting her know you’ve had a bit of luck/windfall (lottery/bonus/inheritance…whatever works best) and that you want to share it. But I think you’d have to be pretty close friends…I’ve only got 2 fiends that I think I’d be comfortable to do that with.