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Original poster

Giving money to a friend.

49 replies

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 07:53

Friend can make ends meet by budgeting very carefully. She has an essential big ticket item to cover, which I know she’s been saving for. I’d like to give her £10k to cover this. I think if I offered she would be embarrassed and decline, and that may lead to the end of our friendship. I don’t think she would know it was me if the money was anonymous. I can’t really drop £10k in £50 notes through her door. Has anyone used a solicitor for this type of thing or some other means? What haven’t I thought of?

OP posts:

RedRobyn2021 · 22/03/2022 10:06

You're heart is in the right place, but she doesn't need your money she needs your friendship. So just be her friend.

RedRobyn2021 · 22/03/2022 10:07

Your*

Sorry it's been a long night!

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 10:09

@Tryingtokeepgoing patronizing is absolutely the last thing I’d want to be to her. I admire her so much and on so many levels.

OP posts:

CharSiu · 22/03/2022 10:20

How long have you known this person for?

ikeepseeingit · 22/03/2022 10:44

Have you known each other a long time OP? I could only do this with one or two friends in my life and not feel they’d get offended. I would definitely do it for those friends if I could though. I agree with phrasing it as an interest free loan/ gift. Tell her she can repay at a rate she can afford for as long as she needs to.

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 10:45

@CharSiu over 25 years.

OP posts:

mjf981 · 22/03/2022 10:51

Its kind of you. The best way is to offer her directly - say 'I would love to help you out and gift you some money (and am obviously minted if I can give 10,000 away!). Nothing expected in return. But completely understand if you're not comfortable with it.'

Then the decision is up to her. Be upfront and honest. People appreciate that. Don't try to do it anonymously or through a fake 'lottery win.' It seems a bit underhanded to me.

cingolimama · 22/03/2022 10:59

OP, you sound like a great friend and a lovely generous person.

I genuinely don't understand, I mean I really don't understand how on MN everyone is so hung up about money - giving, borrowing, lending etc. Within the culture I grew up with, it was completely normal for money to be lent and borrowed and given and taken among family and close friends. This was a regular thing. Personally, I've borrowed money, and later, I've lent money - and it was never a problem - money was repaid in full and everyone wins. I've given money as a gift and received money as a gift. It's money, it's not a kidney.

OP, offer the money to your friend. I like the idea of a windfall (lottery) and you just want to share it.

SpinningCat2 · 22/03/2022 21:36

Be honest with her, but maybe say that it is essentially "spare" money that you could spend on a nicer car / holiday , which would give you pleasure, but you would get far more pleasure knowing the money has helped her ???

Viviennemary · 22/03/2022 21:39

Wh are you even thinking of doing this.

gamerchick · 22/03/2022 21:42

I'd go with I've won a chunk of change angle personally and you would like to share. People don't mind taking easy come money.

I do think you wanting to cough up 10 grand just because a bit weird though. Different life to what I know

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 23:06

@Viviennemary…..why not? I’m going to assume you have parted with money for another cause? It’s no different to donating to the DEC, Save the children, the donkey sanctuary or a gofundme appeal for cancer treatment or a gap year. I just personally know the recipient.
Do lots of people just keep their money for themselves???

OP posts:

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 23:11

@gamerchick would you think it was weird if I was JKRowling or Ed Sheeran or Paris Hilton? Would you think it was weird if I’d started my post ‘I’m a multi multi millionaire and I’d like to give a friend some money’? I’m not a multi millionaire, but we are obviously comfortable.
I’m really struggling to understand why people think giving money -that you don’t need - to someone you know who could really do with it is weird. I’ll just stuff it under the bed/ go to the Caribbean twice in a year/ upgrade my 2 year old top if the range car and watch them struggle- would that be better?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 22/03/2022 23:24

You did ask. Sorry you didn't like my answer. My friends would be extremely embarrassed to receive money from me. Unless I won Euromillions.

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 22/03/2022 23:27

@Cisforcamel you are a lovely friend. A friend helped me out on a smaller scale, so I could visit a terminally ill close relative in another country. Although I found it difficult to accept, I am so very grateful and our friendship is stronger than ever. (We've also been friends a similar amount of years)
I did turn them down the first time they offered; but am glad it happened. Covid totally ruined us financially and I don't know how we will survive, what they did is worth so much more than the financial cost.

Nopetryagain · 22/03/2022 23:32

I think your friend would feel obligated towards you if she knew where the money came from but weirded out if she didn’t. Just be a good friend OP.

You sound very kind but money probably means little to you because you have it, it is likely viewed very differently by your friend.

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 23:33

@Viviennemary you answered with a question, so I was answering it. I’m asking you do you honestly believe that continually ‘upgrading’ my life (which really doesn’t need upgrading) is preferable to sharing my fortunate circumstances to enable someone else to improve the quality of theirs?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cisforcamel · 22/03/2022 23:35

@Viviennemary How much euromillions? Seriously? At what point of wealth IS it ok to share?

OP posts:

Swedenandnorway · 22/03/2022 23:40

I think you sound lovely OP and totally get where you're coming from. I've got a much loved friend who is constantly on her knees financially, I would tell her I was giving her the money and would jokingly say I'd be mortally offended if she didn't accept it. I'm pretty sure she would accept it although she might give it away as she's always putting others first! I'd probably buy her a car and gift it to her or say I was loaning it to her and never ask for it back or something. You sound very kind.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 22/03/2022 23:57

Be careful with any potential tax implications to her if the money is framed as a gift.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 22/03/2022 23:59

@Cisforcamel I think it is a lovely thing and have indeed had a friend give me 10,000. We were buying our first house, and were just short of being able to get a new build that was so much bigger than anything we'd looked at. She offered to give the money, and said "one of the 3 bathrooms can be mine, if that makes you feel better."

I was delighted, and paid her back over the next few years, and she took it graciously. We'd often take trips and she would use the money to fund her part of them, so no bad feelings.

Nothing weird about doing this for a friend. I'm in a position to do this (well, most of the time) and if someone I really cared for really needed it, would give it in a heartbeat. We can't take it with us.

You sound like a lovely friend.

sessell · 23/03/2022 00:09

Money and value are relative. Say to your friend that you would like to gift her this money, that it is a gift like any other and so you won't want it back. Say that if it makes her feel uncomfortable she can pay it forward in acts of kindness to other people. I have done similar in the past with a smaller but still significant amount and it felt ok to do it that way. When you have more than enough, it's 'only money' and other acts of kindness that involve time and consideration are just if not more valuable.

SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2022 00:26

My sister and husband did very well in some financial dealings and gave myself and my siblings a very significant amount of money.
For them, otherwise, it would have just sat in a bank account. They were happy to give it , it changed our lives but made no difference to thier's.
It was all in done very matter of factly, no great "show" , no expectations at all , simply a gift. I could never , nor would that expect,to repay them (who repays a gift any way ?) I did spend many hours making them a gift , to say thank you, though they never expected any great "thank you ", they would have been emarassed.

You sound like my sister and her husband. For them , why wouldn't they give the money ,??

I hope you find some way to do this for your friend , and at all 25 years that's more like family than "just" a friend.

Sswhinesthebest · 23/03/2022 19:28

Please update us at some point op.

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