Where am I going wrong with my 2 year old

[luna32]

DD is 2 and a half and is absolutely uncontrollable.

She just doesn't listen or do anything I ask her to.

She keeps hitting her baby sister
She tantrums all day everyday. If she drops something on the floor she would scream until I get it rather than ask me to get it for her using her words.
Always looks for the most dangerous thing to do.

If I take her to the park she never uses aged appropriate slides for example. She always has to go up the highest ones where only children aged 5 and above would

I went for a coffee & cake with my nct friends and their daughters. And all the others were sitting nicely at the table eating their cake and listening to their mums whilst my daughter refused to sit for a minute, screamed and had 100 tantrums .. kept pushing the other girls .. where am I going wrong?
I love her to bits but sometimes I'm embarrassed of her behaviour 😞 she does get told off when she's being naughty such as pushing other children and I do try to explain why she shouldn't do it but she laughs in my face and carries on doing it.

I feel like a massive failure and I'm slowly getting anxious about taking her anywhere. Everywhere we go we end up attracting attention

How old is your new baby?

Is your toddler nearer 2 or 3?

Does she go to nursery ?

My toddler is nearly 3 and baby is 3 months & yes she does go to nursery 2 days a week. They always say she behaves well apart from pushing others but I'm not sure I believe that she behaves so well ..

Then if she’s ok at nursery it must just be home. You really do need to follow through with punishments like the naughty step or whatever you use.
If she’s laughing at you she needs to see that you are another joking. And you and dad need to be on the same page with this, consistency is key.

*you are not joking

I found that my two year old went berserk just after our baby was born. Things that helped were a such one on one time as possible and lots of exhausting him at the park. When he gets restless now I often ask him to Nick outside and kick the ball ten times or do ten star jumps etc. I'm not sure if that relevant for you guys but it helped us a little. The other thing was just time. He's 3.5 now and much more settled. I'm sure you're doing a great job! It's a tough age i think.

If you have a new baby her behaviour will be poor at the moment. Also, some kids are just more of a handful than others! As long as you're being consistent and firm in an age appropriate way, she'll come out the otherside fine.

Op I have a similar age difference with my two and i found dc1 was a bit jealous of new baby (despite us doing everything to make him feel very much included). He did love the baby but was just used to all of the attention and was adjusting to having to share us. He would act out to get extra attention. The good news is the phase was short lived. I think 2 is a challenging age to start with aswell. Dc2 is now 2 and certainly keeping us on our toes (much easier without a younger one this time though!) Dc1 is now in school and lovely to be around, it gets easier! Do you think this may possibly be the case with your dd?

How is her speech. I've heard behaviour can often be a result of frustration as they don't have the words to communicate. In regards to the tantrum have you tried trying to calmly (hard I know) acknowledge out loud her feelings so ' I can see you are feeling very cross that mummy had asked you to stop playing and put your shoes on to go out' . It might feel like you are just talking to yourself and a waste of time but it time it will hopefully teach her the words she needs to express her emotions more positively.

My eldest daughter was 2 years 7 months when her baby sister was born and her jealousy was awful. My easy going girl turned into an angry, tantruming emotional wreck, trying to hurt her sister constantly. It did eventually settle down when her sister turned 6 months and got more interesting. Playgroups were my saviour tbh. Is there any local to you?

Make sure you keep it simple with her. A long explanation won’t cut it at the point she’s actually shoved or grabbed given she’s doing it often. She needs instant consequences, every time, with a short explanation perhaps when she calms down. Every time she is playing nicely she gets smiles and praise.

By instant consequences I mean being removed from the situation/ having the toy or equipment removed from her/ being taken home. Serious voice and eye-contact.

I think we sometimes launch into explanations when other people are present partly to demonstrate that we do try to teach our toddlers good values but it really isn’t the best strategy.

Thank you all for your very helpful advice.

I should've added that she's been like this for a year now so before her sister was born 😢. But maybe her sisters arrival has aggravated things.

We do have a 1-1 day every week when my mum can watch the baby for me. But she's even naughtier when she gets all oh my attention.

She doesn't seem to care when making other children sad. For example she hit me yesterday quite hard so I pretended to cry and be sad but she laughed and hit me again. My DH tried to explain to her that she's made mummy very sad and she shouldn't be doing it but she hit him too. Her speech is great actually she definitely understands what we're asking of her but clearly she's decided to go against everything

Tried the naughty step but she doesn't stay put 🙈 and my DH thinks it's too cruel for her age so gave up after a few days

This may not help but I don’t know a single 2.5 year old who would sit nicely in a cage and have cake. Maybe all my friends children are feral 😂

Actually my niece would have done but she became a NIGHTMARE at 3.5 and still is at nearly 5 so 🤷‍♀️

*cafe! Although maybe a cage would help….😂

@LightDrizzle

Make sure you keep it simple with her. A long explanation won’t cut it at the point she’s actually shoved or grabbed given she’s doing it often. She needs instant consequences, every time, with a short explanation perhaps when she calms down. Every time she is playing nicely she gets smiles and praise. By instant consequences I mean being removed from the situation/ having the toy or equipment removed from her/ being taken home. Serious voice and eye-contact. I think we sometimes launch into explanations when other people are present partly to demonstrate that we do try to teach our toddlers good values but it really isn’t the best strategy.

Yes I agree.

For about a month now... if she's naughty at soft play or the park we leave

When she starts pushing I would warn her that if she does it again we leave and in 60 seconds she'll go and push so we leave. She's obviously unhappy but I stick to it and we go and once in the car I try to explain why we left but she doesn't seem to be interested in the reason for leaving

@Cinnabomb

*cafe! Although maybe a cage would help….😂

😂😂

I think you should consider asking your HV for advice. Whatever you do you need to be consistent. More regular 1:1 is important too, even if it’s just 10 mins a day. You need to tell her how you expect her to behave before everything eg You are going to have a snack. You need to stay at the table until you have finished eating and keep your hands and feet to yourself.

@Cinnabomb

This may not help but I don’t know a single 2.5 year old who would sit nicely in a cage and have cake. Maybe all my friends children are feral 😂

Actually my niece would have done but she became a NIGHTMARE at 3.5 and still is at nearly 5 so 🤷‍♀️

This is great to hear actually as all the toddlers we are around are behaved so well. Couldn't fault them. They always do what they're asked and sit and play nicely and don't push or hit etc

Count from 1-3 and if they don’t do as they are asked tell them there will be a consequence.

Don’t say what the consequence will be, just that there will be a consequence. Then they can’t decide whether they are bothered by it or not, you don’t have to think up a consequence on the spot and then regret it, and you can use retrospective consequences. “We we’re going to the park and now we are not” - when you had no intention of going in the first place but they think they’ve had a consequence.

You really do need to follow through and be consistent every single time.

At the same time love bomb her, ask for cuddles from your special big girl and allow her to do things “only you can do this because you are a big girl. The baby is too little and he’s not allowed”

Oh and pushing/hitting you leave immediately

There is no way the other toddlers always sir down quietly and do what they're told OP. Maybe when you see them.

I had one like this and all that worked was being outside but in an enclosed area most of the time so she could run and dawdle and do what she wanted. I wouldn't risk cake in a café for a while, it's too stressful for everyone and she will get better. I'm quite a strict parent but she seemed (and still is) the kind of person who you push forward and she goes sideways, so tellings off sometimes had the reverse effect and better to avoid the situation altogether. With the hitting etc you just have to be consistent, as you are being, and it will work eventually.

It is exhausting

Your little girl won’t understand empathy at all so we won’t understand that she’s made you sad or why she should even care that she’s made you sad.
You can read up on all this online, also she’s not laughing to deliberately wind you up, it’s an impulsive reaction.

I’d recommend following big little feelings on instagram and reading a couple of up to date views on discipline for toddlers.

Also my 3 year old would also want to go on the big things in the park, I just help him with it, and if I met friends for cake and coffee, he’d demolish his cake in five minutes and then want to be down, or I’d have to get some toys out to keep him busy. He wouldn’t sit ‘listening to mummy’ he’s got far better things to do with his time 🤣 so I really don’t think there’s anything unusual about those things!

Also there’s lots of good books about feelings, the colour monster has helped my three year old name feelings and he tells me when he’s feeling angry now.

And I agree with @Sswhinesthebest choose a consequence related to the situation and then absolutely follow through.

For example when mine used to throw his toys in anger / frustration (which he was terrible for for a while) I used to say if he did it again they’d go away and we’d try again tomorrow - and then put them away if he threw again. It didn’t take long for him to realise it was counter productive.

Sounds like she needs consequences, one example, when you were out having coffee and she started to misbehave you should have told her that if she does it again you were leaving, then if she'd done it again you leave straight away

Again with the park, warn her once that if she doesn't listen you're leaving, but you have to mean it and follow through with it everytime

It won't take her long to understand, I've been through it too and it's really hard I know

@Babyvenusplant I agree with that fully.

Search 'Emily Norris coping with tantrums' on YouTube. Some good strategies there but the general jist of it is that there need to be consequences and you have to be consistent.