MIL and her stupid comments about baby

[mummyjane8]

DS is 5 months old. We see MIL once a week. DS is a very chilled and happy baby and just quite easy in general. He does get a little twisty when it is tired or hungry obviously and MIL has witnessed this and refers to him as having temper tantrums. She is a regular thing that she will say. This week he could her DP making his bottle as his bottle was due and was getting a little twisty (not crying) and she said 'never mind you and your temper tantrums'. She made a very similar comment the week before aswell.

I would hate to know what she would see if he was properly crying like he occasionally does. When he was a few weeks old she she something along the lines of 'oo he's got a right temper on him'. I've usually brushed it off to be honest but I'm getting massively pissed off about it. Like I say he's 5 months old. She's offered to watch him while I attend a family funeral but I just feel so uncomfortable with it, worrying about if he properly cries and god knows what she would say or do. Am I overthinking this? I'm kind of hoping I am! I kicked myself for not saying something last week after I was sick of her saying it and then this week I was upstairs but I could still hear her so couldn't comment immediately.

Polyanthus2 I can relate to this, except it was the boys who were labelled negatively rather than the girls. I think your comment about op’s DH is pretty astute. Lots of people will shrug these comments off as harmless and say we are over thinking things but I would disagree.

@Tiredtiredtired100

Two different midwives in hospital said this about my son (he was days old and they were sticking needles in him for Christ sake). I thought two things: 1) it’s sexist. People don’t say this about girl babies as often as boys. 2) they are out of line for many reasons, but for me especially as if they had read my file they would have known his father was violent and abusive, so the last words I needed to hear about my newborn were that he’d inherited those traits.

yup people do interpret baby reactions differently if they know (or believe they know) which gender the child is....her's an old but well structured piece of research on this. you can register and read it for free. www.jstor.org/stable/1128199?read-now=1&refreqid=excelsior%3Aa41898ed2ed9b404b182e16e70043a70&seq=6

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald gives great advise and I would keep saying that and making sure mil heard it. If she then keeps saying it just say can you stop saying that as the baby is just hungry etc and only way can communicate.

Seriously? Is this really such a big issue.

It's a generational thing IME. Just semantics.

As long as she comforts your baby when he cries and looks after him well I doubt her wording at 5 months old will scar him for life!

I don't see the issue but looks like I'm in a minority.

It's just a joke/harmless comment she's saying to acknowledge that baby is getting cranky. She's not telling him to shut up. She clearly knows he's not having a temper tantrum as he's 5mo. She's just saying it as something to say.

Honestly, you're going to have people actually say comments in future when baby is older so grow a thick skin and learn to just let things go. There's no use getting pissy about really insignificant stuff like this IMO.

They hope to shut people down and shut down dialogue - exactly youve got it in one . That's what needs to happen.

No, it's not what needs to happen. It's what YOU think needs to happen.

A conversation that sets our the boundaries is usually far more effective than swearing or using your 'angry voice' at someone.

Using your 'angry voice' to tell someone ro shut up, may stop them saying that one thing. Bur with no understanding of why people don't like it, then they say something else that's (to them) not a big deal and op is mad again. Far better to have am actual conversation, like adults.

Op hasn't even asked her to stop so speaking to her like she is a piece of shit and saying it's OK, because she happened to be ops partners mum is likely to useless and cause more issues.

If dp had ever spoken to my mum in angry voice or told her to shut the fuck, because he didn't like something she said, especially when he had never raised it with her before, then me and dp would be having a serious problem.

Everyone saying it’s harmless/won’t scar him etc. Maybe now. But as he gets older, such ignorant comments and marking him being hungry or sad as “having a temper” will certainly do damage. Either in a self fulfilling prophecy type way, or her always choosing to see the worst in him, which will ultimately cause him damage. I’d nip it in the bud now

just say something along the lines of

well you would get frustrated if you couldn't communicate

lets hope it doesn't happen to her in old age

When my first baby was born he had the tiniest little cough and my MIL said 'oh you've a cough like your Granda' - he had died from lung cancer a few months previously 🤬. She also used to say stupid shit like 'oh bad cough, that's a bad bad cough' when it really wasn't.. as a first time mother it gave me so much anxiety..

@moocow1234567

Unfortunately I think you are overthinking it.

I completely understand why you feel pissed off though. If my MIL so much as breathed after I had my first child, it would piss me off. Every little thing irritated me about her and I started to hate her.

After I had my 2nd child, I suddenly realised that I had massively overreacted a lot of the time. Not all the time mind. But some of the smaller comments seemed so much bigger in my head than they actually were. I'm a bit embarrassed now about how I reacted. I think it's something that is ingrained in a new mother to be quite defensive and protective etc and I think it turns us all a bit loopy.

I was once talking to MIL about how lovely-looking one of her other grandchildren was. She looked at my daughter, her youngest granddaughter, then about nine months, and said, 'Well she's not exactly ugly either.'

For some reason the word 'ugly' lodged in my mind and I felt really upset. Of course she meant the opposite. I didn't say anything to her and I'm so glad I didn't, but i remember the rush of maternal hormones.

Ahh. It sounds like you have a normal-ish MIL. I was hoping you'd have a story about a real snake-tongued abusive witch like mine so I could commiserate!

Your MIL sounds a bit like my mum, who is a sweetheart that just says silly light-hearted comments that can be a bit annoying as they brush up against the maternal instinct a bit. My mum says the tantrum thing about my PFB (7 months) and to be honest, it IS a bit like he's having a temper tantrum when I stop him from doing whatever dangerous thing he's enjoying doing! It's a bit funny, like 'aww, look at you practicing for being a toddler!' sort of thing. It's annoying when she says it though, like how dare you say anything but how beautiful and perfect he is!? She also says those things in spades, obviously. If your MIL doesn't also say how wonderful your son is in other ways, I can easily see why that would prickle you even more.

If she says the tantrum thing again just grit your teeth, pick him up, take a deep breath, have a cuddle with him and let his lovely sweet face wash all the annoyance with her away. He sounds like a treat, don't let her silly words steal your joy.

Something I do when I'm really fucked off with something nasty my MIL has said (who is blocked on everything but still writes to me by letter critising my parenting...) is write a message to her on my notes app about how wrong she is and how her comments make me feel, and then DON'T SEND IT. It helps me feel like I've said my piece without having to actually start up a drama with her. Probably weird, but cathartic nonetheless.

I’d say: “awww, look at grandma having her little temper tantrum!”