MIL and her stupid comments about baby

[mummyjane8]

DS is 5 months old. We see MIL once a week. DS is a very chilled and happy baby and just quite easy in general. He does get a little twisty when it is tired or hungry obviously and MIL has witnessed this and refers to him as having temper tantrums. She is a regular thing that she will say. This week he could her DP making his bottle as his bottle was due and was getting a little twisty (not crying) and she said 'never mind you and your temper tantrums'. She made a very similar comment the week before aswell.

I would hate to know what she would see if he was properly crying like he occasionally does. When he was a few weeks old she she something along the lines of 'oo he's got a right temper on him'. I've usually brushed it off to be honest but I'm getting massively pissed off about it. Like I say he's 5 months old. She's offered to watch him while I attend a family funeral but I just feel so uncomfortable with it, worrying about if he properly cries and god knows what she would say or do. Am I overthinking this? I'm kind of hoping I am! I kicked myself for not saying something last week after I was sick of her saying it and then this week I was upstairs but I could still hear her so couldn't comment immediately.

@itisyourbirthdayKelly

I just like to nip things in the bud in life. Doesn’t make me popular or likeable as I can be very blunt, but that’s fine not everyone will like me and I can deal with that and still be courteous when we mix.

And I know relationships take work - which is why I show that I won’t be tolerating anything I don’t like. I appreciate it when other people do the same.

Ah, you’re one of those “I tell it like it is” people. I’ve met a few of those and as you say, they’re not very popular or likeable. I hope you’re still happy with this approach when you’re older and potentially lonely as you’ve managed to offend everyone out of your life.

You have a tongue in your head so use it. Next time she mentions a temper tantrum in relation to your baby say something, “ Please don’t say that, it’s not a temper tantrum.. he can’t speak yet…it’s his way of communicating with me, that he’s tired, hungry, needs a nappy change or bored”.

Has she ever given you cause to think she wouldn’t care for your baby if she was looking after him? Presumably not.

The other comment she made to him when he was cooing… don’t read too much into that..I’ve said the same to my own children and grandchildren, “What’s that all about, tell me all about it”. “Well I never did,”. All she is doing here is answering him, communicating with him.

@maddy68

It's just a flippent comment and you are overthinking this. She is not meaning anything horrible (I'm dreading being a mother in law!) Just talk to her if it's pissing you off

It is something though. she is talking negatively about anything the baby is doing. How is OP supposed to know if that is not how she is also thinking about the child? How much that will escalate if/when the baby actually does start to make a lot of noise, become intractable.

Stop dreading becoming a MIL - just decide you won't forever be a Negative Nelly when you are. It's quite easy!

@ShirleyPhallus nope. I’m not. I just nip things in the bud I don’t like.

And i’m in my 40s with a good life. The only people that don’t tend to like me are the people who like to trample over others in their lives. I see them do it. They don’t like that I pull them up on it and won’t let them do it to me. There’s nothing wrong with having firm boundaries on how you let people treat you.

Harmless comments now but what she's doing is creating him a 'name/description' that could stay forever.
If she keeps doing this he will learn from her 'I have tantrums' and potentially become that child.
Or she will make others think this about him.

I had similar and said 'please don't say that, dh and I have talked and agree it's not right and certainly not true!'
I think you need to defend your baby with dh backing you so mil learns you're not a push over and won't stand for it. Men always worry about upsetting their dm's!

I certainly wouldn't let her look after him for fear of her not meeting his needs to 'teach him tantrums don't mean he gets what he wants' or to 'break the tantrums'.

Your perfect baby is just communicating.

You say 'twisty', your MIL says 'temper tantrum', one day your DIL will use a different expression. Hopefully she will be more tolerant than you are about your choice of words.

Sounds annoying, but it's just one of those things people say. As PP said in, previous generations it was thought that babies were manipulative and would throw temper tantrums to "get their way".

itisyourbirthdaykelly oh no you are going to be all alone when you die according to SP! You haven’t offended me, I’ll be your friend. I really dislike the passive aggressive comments and far prefect a straightforward approach.

My MIL is very polite and lovely with my kids, my mother (brilliant mum to me) is a bit odd with my DS, makes little snippy comments when I’m not in the room. Truth is she doesn’t like men (long story). She has seen very little of DS over the years as a result. When he’s at a DOE trip or whatever then she is welcome to stay. People can be weird but we must put our children first.

I agree you are over thinking it. It just sounds like a flippant remark to me, yes, not the phrasing you would use but it’s unlikely to mean she is unfit to care.

'Haha MIL, I can see you've forgotten what it's like to have a baby in the last few decades! How quickly we forget!'
Say it with a smile, through gritted teeth if necessary.

Your sound incredibly fragile op. And if you want your child to grow up fragile,do be sure to protect him from every minor annoyance and perceived slight. Pretty soon it will be just the two of you alone. Not many people are going to be interested in policing their language to make you happy.

Oh nonsense. Most of us got a bit touchy when our PFB was tiny, it's perfectly normal and as long as the OP doesn't actually follow the atrocious advice to tell her MIL to fuck off (which I'm certain she has enough basic social skills not to even consider) then all will be fine.

I have no kids myself but I have noticed that some people sort of go into autopilot about what to say....maybe i notice it because I am bad at talking to babies myself so I sort of listen to see what others do....and with some its like two or three phrases they use like saying "who's a pretty boy then?" to a parrot.
Its also a "thing" that its ok, even good for boy babies to be assertive and strong willed so she may think that "tantrums to get his own way" are something worth noticing and praising.

That being said, I can see that it can be annoying and if you can somehow address it gently, it may lead to better harmony all round.
And its your baby so your choice about what you do about the funeral.
Your post sounds a little defensive....do you personally feel judged by her comments?

You’re not overthinking. It’s a stupid, ignorant comment. Being hungry/tired when you’re a tiny baby is not a temper tantrum.

I wouldn’t leave my baby with her, and I’d have to say something. Not aggressive or rude, but complete dismissive. “Nonsense, he’s just hungry/needs a new nappy/tired, aren’t you?” Kisses for the baby, and move him away from her

Even if your DS was 5, and WAS losing his temper, to dismiss him and the situation as a temper tantrum rather than treat him with respect and help him manage his feelings would be annoying too.

I would just say a 5 month old baby can't have a temper tantrum. He's expressing his needs.
Rinse and repeat.

I was a little bit passive aggressive about things like this but I took full advantage of being able to talk to the baby instead of directly to mil in these moments.

I’d suggest saying to the baby “nana thinks that’s a tantrum but you’re just telling us you’re hungry, aren’t you?”

It’s just reframing the narrative. Every generation worries about getting something wrong - the Victorians were weird about bed wetting; her generation were cautioned not to spoil children by giving in; we’re weird about sleep. It will be something else by the time you’re a mil.

[quote itisyourbirthdayKelly]@ShirleyPhallus nope. I’m not. I just nip things in the bud I don’t like.

And i’m in my 40s with a good life. The only people that don’t tend to like me are the people who like to trample over others in their lives. I see them do it. They don’t like that I pull them up on it and won’t let them do it to me. There’s nothing wrong with having firm boundaries on how you let people treat you.[/quote]
No, jumping straight to "shut the fuck up" is dick head behaviour. Wrap it up in all the "oh I just have good boundries" fluff and attempts a justification you want. This behaviour is poor adult behaviour.

You can assert your boundaries, you can tell people who are not happy with something all without telling f them to shut the fuck up.

Infact, I would suggest that if thats what you would jump straight to, you aren't as good as asserting your boundaries as you believe. People who usually go for the extreme option, do so because they can't cope with conflict and hope to shut people down and shut down any dialogue.

It's an outdated thing isn't it. It would make me wary that she is likely to have a whole belief system around babies and children that they start out selfish unruly animalistic brats and you have to "nip it in the bud" and "show them who's boss" ie set a pattern where you control them through dominance as soon as they show any signs of that, and that's parenting.

I wouldn't have a hope of explaining the whole different understanding that I have around baby and child behaviour and development and it would probably be impolite to try and "re-educate" someone anyway. In any case who is to say my way is even better than that way. But I feel my way is beneficial/important (otherwise I wouldn't follow it, would I?) and it is what I want for my child, so it is a bit of a heart sink moment to hear those kinds of attitudes come out, especially so young, you would hope that even if people do have these beliefs about children that it would only start to apply at around 2 years+!

And it might well be lighthearted/affectionate/jokey - as I've come to realise it is (mostly) with my MIL. She is constantly calling the children naughty/cheeky/being surprised that they are out of place in a way that used to make me bristle, but she wouldn't dream of actually telling them off or punishing them as she sees that as our job, so I can relax about it now (and she isn't able to do childcare anyway due to ill health so I don't need to worry from that perspective).

@itisyourbirthdayKelly

“Why don’t you shut up/fuck off”

Not for everyone but I cannot tolerate shit like that. I’m usually very polite but I can’t stand digs.

Years ago, my first ds was crying as I was holding him. My MIL said “oh poor you, mummy doesn’t know what you need, does she?”

I told her that if she ever made snide comments like that again, she wouldn’t be welcome in my house. She went bright red and has never tried it again.

The best piece of advice I was ever given as a young person is that if someone is upsetting you, tell them to firmly to stop. It’s saved me endless drama and hassle in my life.

oh what a delight you sound !!

@Zwellers

Based on your second update you seem determined to find fault and get offended with anything your mil does. What's that all about appears a normal thing to day to random baby noises. Pfb?

Essentially telling a chatting baby to shut up is also a bit ott though isn’t it?!

Yeah I struggle with these comments too.
I’m due number 3 too and already prepared for the ‘ooh you need burping’
‘your hands are cold’
‘other random comment to make herself feel like she knows best and I’m doing a bad job’

🙄.

Two different midwives in hospital said this about my son (he was days old and they were sticking needles in him for Christ sake). I thought two things:

1. it’s sexist. People don’t say this about girl babies as often as boys.
2. they are out of line for many reasons, but for me especially as if they had read my file they would have known his father was violent and abusive, so the last words I needed to hear about my newborn were that he’d inherited those traits.

Trust your gut

@Bluetrews25

'Haha MIL, I can see you've forgotten what it's like to have a baby in the last few decades! How quickly we forget!' Say it with a smile, through gritted teeth if necessary.

I'd do this. Frame your comment in relation to your DH's siblings (if there are any) so: "Hahaha, MiL, I can see you've forgotten what it's like to have a baby since Jane/Paul/DH/Mary was in nappies. How quickly we forget that all they are doing is communicating that they are hungry/need changing/want a cuddle/have had enough of their grandparents for the day so we'll be off now" Also agree with saying it with a false smile too.

I met my DGNiece -she was 4 or thereabouts - she seemed the sweetest little girl - her DGM said to me with a knowing look that she CERTAINLY knows her own mind.
Then I remembered DGM had greatly favoured her DS over her DD-who was always branded as difficult.
Poor niece was going to get the same whether it fitted her or not.
These family roles do get passed on down the family.
Perhaps DH got this as a child hence his meek unsupportive behaviour.

@Turningpurple
Infact, I would suggest that if thats what you would jump straight to, you aren't as good as asserting your boundaries as you believe. People who usually go for the extreme option, do so because they can't cope with conflict and hope to shut people down and shut down any dialogue.

They hope to shut people down and shut down dialogue - exactly youve got it in one . That's what needs to happen.

I might not swearbut avraised angry sounding voice works too - nicely nicely wheedling and explaining would lower you even further in the MILs estimation.
Just speak up and tell her.