Lost the magic/sparkle in parenting, anyone else?

[Ponyclubkick]

I have 3 DD’s 15, 13 and 10. I love them to absolute pieces and they are in whole amazing kids but I’m losing the love for parenting them and finding joy in the everyday routines and tasks as I once did

Obviously they were all very little at the same time but I don’t remember it being hard just fun, loving and magical, Sunday mornings with its pancakes and the smell of freshly washed shampoo, endless dance shows in Disney princess dances, crafting with all the glitter and not caring where it went, rosy cheeks and welly’s, homemade Halloween costumes and birthday decorations, little hands in yours to cross the road or even when they felt a bit unsure, the list is just absolutely endless.

I was just lying here giving myself a hard time as I don’t make the big two girls their breakfast in the morning but then I remembered that I tried for months to be met with roll of the eyes “I don’t eat in the morning, it makes me feel sick” “mum why are you so extra”...

I’m met with resistance as such in nearly every moment, from stand offs a meal times because food isn’t ethically farmed, organically sourced, rolls of the eyes constantly in conversation about how politically incorrect I am (last time because I referred to someone’s brother and I’d instantly misgenderd them)

Spending most evenings ferrying them to clubs, friends houses, sports practice spending most of our earnings on said hobbies to be told that they are so hard done by and their friends get everything they get and more, we also have the “such in such’s house is AMAZING” their bedroom is the size of our entire downstairs...

They come in, bags are dumped, straight upstairs to their room and don’t come back down until they want food or the WIFI has dropped...

I get that they are growing up and it’s mostly typical teenage behaviour but it all just feels like such hard work compared to the simpler younger years and I sometimes feel completely redundant and useless.

I wondered if anyone else felt the same?

Yes!

It's basically still a shit ton of work but without the cute moments

Well, mine aren't teenagers yet. So I've got all this to come. But honestly, I'd stop cooking for them for a start. It was more down to somewhat negligence on my mum's part, but I was cooking my own meals and washing my own clothes at 15. I know it sounds spiteful, but it's probably time for them to start learning to be grateful. Stop doing so much for them and start insisting they make their own way to places. And a good old MN favourite, WiFi off if they're going to be shits.

I've got this all to come, in fact my 9yo is starting already with the attitude.

Social media and internet has a lot to do with it as I feel there is too much out there, makes it difficult for us to appreciate what we have. You sound like a lovely mum and I've hear d it gets better by the time they are mid twenties 🤣

It's basically still a shit ton of work but without the cute moments

This. Sad but true.

Yes.

Because it's not all,about you, and what you think matters. Teens need to do their own thing, and you go from being pretty central to being the safety net.

So yes, you still to ensure they're eating properly, but no you don't get to decree a certain type of breakfast at a certain time.

And yes, the whole goal of parenthood is to make yourself redundant. So congratulations this is all going as it should.

Absolutely as they get older they like to impose their opinions on you... every discussion turns into a aggressive response. It's really wearing

But I managed to get through the teenage years, I wouldn't want to go through it again. Give me a tired, teething toddler any day!

Oh god I'm really sorry this sounds really hard

It's shit isn't it. You spend years falling in love with them, doing lots of fun stuff, making life magical for them. They chew you up and spit you out. No little hands to hold, no bedtime stories or father Christmas. I think we relive our youths and then you have to go back to normal adult life whilst sharing a house with moody teenagers who only need you for money and clean clothes.

Mine is 8 and is having behavioural problems
She hates me already

Yes. And I'd kind of had enough of parenting by then too, tired But they need a space to feel safe and you've obviously done a great job. Massive generalisation but I think girls can be more critical of their mums at this age. It's not personal, although it feels like it.

Going to be the lone voice here ( and admit I clearly lack some maternal gene) but preferred the teen years to the early childood ones. Ops description is a bit rose tinted. I just recall the sleepless nights, tantrums , shit and puke, laundry, wailing, and sheer fucking boredom of spending time with little ones. Now is the time to start claiming your life back. Older kids can do their own laundry and cook dinner, are responsible for their own stuff and any complaints that x has a nicer house than us can be met with an offer to drive them to x's once they have packed a bag. This is the bit where they start to become independent so make sure and encourage it. Any bitching about needing trips here there and everywhere results in Googling train and bus times unless they ask politely and are appreciative.
Mine are adults now and dont seem to hate me...

Although DS glowered when I did run him to work today( it was on my route) and got a stern" Have you forgotten something?"after attempting to get out of the car without saying thank you. He's 20 and 6 foot 4 but rudeness stands no chance here.
Guess I'll be roasted for being a harridan but OP it gets better from here on in!( And a hug from DS with his chin resting on my head and his beard prickling is better than a snotty hug from a toddler any day!)

Agree completely.
I found school holidays particularly hard and lonely. I'd free up my time as usual to do things with them, but they'd rather hang out in their rooms than go out with me.
I miss afternoons at the park, big meet ups with their friends and parents, even play centres and birthday parties!

We have a 16.5 yr old & I empathise with you OP.
Though a pp's comment that they're growing tired of parenting by then also rings (slightly guitily) true for me.

I'm busy at work & feeling tired & have less & less energy for fuss or drama. Teen doesn't want breakfast? Fine. Don't have it so.

On the other hand I still get hugs from time to time & we lie on our bed & watch tv / movies together very often which I love as she lets me give her a head massage. I do miss the small child cuddles & kisses a lot.

Thank you, glad to hear I’m not on my own.

I should have probably added that they are bright funny, creative, sporty and sometimes lovable but I just find the things that I used to enjoy doing with them a slog now and I guess I wasn’t ready for that part of motherhood, the magic to be over.

Funnily enough I think I my DH prefers these years as they have something interesting to say and need less fussing over (in terms of physical needs)

I guess we are all different.

Yes we are all different

And every child is more difficult at different stages as well

Yes they are becoming independent and need you far less physically but much more emotionally! My son is 18, on his own and though has been quite self sufficient for years (cooked for himself from 13, does his own laundry and ironing etc). It is still a big struggle and realising being an adult doesn't mean doing what you want 24/7! So I'm sure to text/chat with him every day, visit at least once a month (he's on an island) and support and guide as much as possible without actually coming across like I'm telling him what to do!
The physical side of parenting is easy. The psychological really hard.

@SchoolNightWine

Agree completely. I found school holidays particularly hard and lonely. I'd free up my time as usual to do things with them, but they'd rather hang out in their rooms than go out with me. I miss afternoons at the park, big meet ups with their friends and parents, even play centres and birthday parties!

I really struggle with older kids and school holidays. They are bored but don't want to do anything. They stare at screens all day and I feel guilty. Dreading the Easter hols

I miss the days when I could bundle the 3 of them in the car and go places of my choosing without endless arguments about why one doesn’t want to go, can’t we go somewhere else, what friends are we meeting etc etc.

dementedma - not a lone voice, I prefer parenting now dd is 9 rather than the baby/toddler/pre-school years.

Dp and I have our lives back, we can make plans, see friends (rather than arranging a playdate and calling that 'seeing friends'), exercise regularly, have days out to places we actually want to go to rather than hanging out at playgrounds etc.

And the sleep, oh the sleep....we haven't had to get up before 8am on a weekend for years. We're usually up before dd.

Parenting is moving towards being there when needed rather than hovering around all the time.

I don't expect dd to be thrilled at spending time with mum and dad. I fully expect she won't want to be seen with us as she gets older.
But if she trusts us, knows she can come to us if she is in trouble, is (relatively) honest with us - then I'll settle for that.

My SiL is an amazing mum to an adult and two teens (all girls) and has a visibly relaxed, open, friendly relationship with them all. She's my role model and am taking her advice:

Accept that they will do things, wear things, eat things, make decisions etc that you don't agree with. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles.

Be there when they need to talk even if it isn't a convenient time, if you possibly can.

Don't make every conversation start with a list of things they need to do/haven't done/are doing wrong.

Ditch 'making memories' instagram style parenting. The more you expect from a day out/holiday, the bigger the disappointment. Focus on just spending time together for a bit, preferably without screens.

It's not fun in the same way but you can still find ways to make it fun. I hung in there by taking them to gigs they were too young to attend on their own. Lots and lots of VERY LOUD gigs of music that wasn't to my taste but it meant I got to hang out with DC doing things they loved.

Also started doing film nights, games nights, (not often, about once a month) where they took it in turn to choose the film, the food, the games etc. Also did some physical challenge stuff with them, like climbing mountains, Go Ape etc. And some theatre shows, musicals, and longer haul holidays.

And focused on helping them become independent - how to use the washing machine, how to cook three dishes they want to cook, help with making over their rooms, building flat pack furniture etc.

What do you do for you?
Do your own thing activity evening class sport
If something you can do together eg parkrun fine otherwise do your own activity at least once a week

Oh god no, I don’t miss those days at all, I found parenting small children stifling and playing endlessly so boring but I mostly remember the never ending illnesses. The endless snot, sick, poo and panicky visits to out of hours or the GP’s.
Now teens I love and know how to deal with, DD used to have lots of friends over, I loved their chatter, endless energy, gossip and zest for life. I loved DD teen years, we did so much together which as an adult she reminisces about sometimes.
I’m now peri and my maternal instinct has dried up completely, if a child is screaming in the supermarket I find it unbearable and I don’t know how I coped with it years ago.

I can relate to this, I have a 12 year old and a nearly 15 year old, both boys. Have mixed feeling tbh. I miss being able to choose where we were going and some of the magic. I also miss the energy that the 30s me had, as well as the social confidence, I've lost that in recent times.

However, I work for myself and as of this year, its a relief not to have to do more school runs. My nearly 15 year old is very independent, travels around a lot on his own by public transport, I dont drive although my DH does. Younger one is getting more independent, but he's at the male version of the hormonal tantrum stage at the moment, pretty sure puberty is on the horizon.

At the moment I feel as if my world has got smaller, but as if it will get bigger if that makes any sense. Sometimes feel very irrelevant in a house full of males and its true that I'm just needed for money and food.The odd bit of affection is lovely, younger one still quite good at this when he doesn't hate me.

Overall though, I think I prefer it to the toddler stage, the constant mess, being needed etc. My Sister reckons its like being a pot plant for a few years, you just have to hope that someone bothers to water you once in a while.

@Newyearnewme2022 know what you mean about maternal instincts drying up. I'm in peri and I feel exactly the same, I just hope I get a bit of tolerance back in time for any possible grandchildren.