Misunderstood chatty introverts

[WanderingFruitWonderer]

I just wondered if there other chatty introverts out there, who get mistaken for extroverts?
I'm extremely chatty and friendly, really too much sometimes I get anxious, and I'm very keen for people to like me. I love people myself, most people I meet I find interesting in some way, and I love hearing other people's stories. So I kind of get puppy-like enthusiasm when meeting people and in my nervous desire to connect, I talk a ridiculous amount etc.
However, I also find it exhausting! I love to retreat and be alone and silent, to re-energise. But people don't realise. They think I'm an extrovert. When in fact I'm a very nervous, neurotically chatty introvert!
Does anyone else relate? Also, any quiet extroverts? I wonder how many of us don't fit the introvert/extrovert stereotypes?

@FrappuccinoLight

You have just described me. An extroverted introvert.

I hate it when people laugh and say “oh there’s no way you could be an introvert”. Because I love a good chat and can be loud and jokey at social events.

But I absolutely prefer the solitude and calm of my own company. Every time.

But that’s other people with a ‘quiz in a magazine’ misunderstanding of introversion. Nothing odd in you. People have these mad ideas about introverts cringing shyly in corners, unable to say a word, or being tight-lipped misanthropes who only like their cats, but that’s as much a misunderstanding as thinking that extroverts are ‘loud’ and ‘bubbly’ and stride about grandstanding about their own fabulousness.

Do people really have to sneer? I'd rather people thought about these things and treated people differently accordingly if they have to.

Of course in an ideal world, people wouldn't need a label to help others define their needs - everyone would just accept differences and roll with what other people are comfortable with.

Many people are just unimaginative and unempathetic though, and want an ANSWER as to why you aren't exactly like them.

(looking at you MIL!)

I've no idea what I am.

I'm quiet and don't feel the need to talk just to hear my own voice, but will speak up when I have something to say. I'm not outgoing and people assume I'm shy, but I don't think that's the case, I'm just quiet. I can get up and speak when I want to.

I love a night out and seek out company and social events, but I also love a solitary walk in the woods, an evening alone in front of the TV etc.

Same here. I think of social interaction as like alcohol - it's fun at the time, but if I go over my limit I feel terrible afterwards, and need to abstain for a while. I work in quite a chatty, peoply job, and I enjoy it, but I also get up at at between 4 and 5am in order to have proper time alone every day in a house with two teenagers and a DH who works from home.

@PleaseBeSeated

People misunderstand introversion/extroversion — it doesn’t have anything to do with how talkative you are, it’s whether you find being in company restorative or sapping.

For instance, I’m a socially confident person, I love seeing other people, I don’t struggle with friendships — but I absolutely need solitude to recharge. It doesn’t matter to me whether other people think I’m extrovert because they mistakenly think introverts are quiet and socially timid. As long as I understand my own needs, that’s what matters, surely?

Exactly this.

True extraverts / introverts are vanishingly rare, anyway - most people, as with most things in life, fall within a bell curve.

I have just discovered inattentive adhd which mostly effects people born as females. Being impulsively chatty can be a sign but considering it sounds like you also get sensory overload combined that increases your chances. Does this sound like you?
chadd.org/attention-article/inattentive-women-with-adhd/

Just been reading through. Thank you so much for all the interesting and insightful responses. Apologies for my gap in reading the thread. I'm self-employed, and was getting ready to do some work.
@DaisyWaldron I LOVE your analogy about alcohol! Very well put. I might use that in future to explain it to people, if you don't mind.
What made me think about this is a chat with an acquaintance yesterday. A lovely person. She doesn't know me well, and has only seen me in a group setting. She was saying how I always come across as happy (I've suffered severe depression) and also when I mentioned I feel socially awkward and wish I could talk less when nervous, and that I long to be a silent mysterious person, she said that that just wouldn't be me, and that I'm designed to be chatty, and not to sit quietly in the corner with a book, I was shocked! As sitting quietly in the corner with a book is literally one of my favourite pastimes! It troubled me a little, as I like to be honest, and I wondered if I disguise my true self behind a facade of happy chattiness, iuswim?
But, I guess we're all complex, multi-faceted beings?
It's very comforting to read that others are falsely presumed to be extroverts too. I know the labels are too simplistic, we're all more complex than that, but as PPs have said, the introvert/extrovert language can be useful to help us gain understanding of ourselves and others.
I find the whole subject of what makes us 'us' totally fascinating.
Alas, I have to work a bit now. So please don't be offended if I don't respond immediately to posts. I look forward to reading the thread properly later on.

@DetailMouse

I've no idea what I am.

I'm quiet and don't feel the need to talk just to hear my own voice, but will speak up when I have something to say. I'm not outgoing and people assume I'm shy, but I don't think that's the case, I'm just quiet. I can get up and speak when I want to.

I love a night out and seek out company and social events, but I also love a solitary walk in the woods, an evening alone in front of the TV etc.

A quick test…"draw a picture for a Xmas card…. What did you draw ?

Or look at your photographs of holidays

People in photos? X,as card with Santa, snow man or “humanised “ faces- likely to be extrovert

Photos full of landscapes, buildings and Xmas card with holly, stars etc- likely to be introvert

Not always proof…but a fair indication of your personality’s happy place

@sofakingcool

Yes me!

A definite introvert - recharge my batteries alone, anxiety ridden in the run up to events etc.

However, I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. People who meet me think I'm this confident, people loving person. Then they get to know the real me...

This is absolutely me! Totally prefer my own company, need to go home and hide in my pjs after a day in the office, hate having visitors or visiting other people.

But, when I am with other people or chatting to people at work, I talk and talk and talk .

I do enjoy meeting friends/going out for meals etc but I always would prefer to stay in. Having forced myself out, I do enjoy it (mostly) but am always glad to go home.

@WanderingFruitWonderer

Just been reading through. Thank you so much for all the interesting and insightful responses. Apologies for my gap in reading the thread. I'm self-employed, and was getting ready to do some work. *@DaisyWaldron* I LOVE your analogy about alcohol! Very well put. I might use that in future to explain it to people, if you don't mind. What made me think about this is a chat with an acquaintance yesterday. A lovely person. She doesn't know me well, and has only seen me in a group setting. She was saying how I always come across as happy (I've suffered severe depression) and also when I mentioned I feel socially awkward and wish I could talk less when nervous, and that I long to be a silent mysterious person, she said that that just wouldn't be me, and that I'm designed to be chatty, and not to sit quietly in the corner with a book, I was shocked! As sitting quietly in the corner with a book is literally one of my favourite pastimes! It troubled me a little, as I like to be honest, and I wondered if I disguise my true self behind a facade of happy chattiness, iuswim? But, I guess we're all complex, multi-faceted beings? It's very comforting to read that others are falsely presumed to be extroverts too. I know the labels are too simplistic, we're all more complex than that, but as PPs have said, the introvert/extrovert language can be useful to help us gain understanding of ourselves and others. I find the whole subject of what makes us 'us' totally fascinating. Alas, I have to work a bit now. So please don't be offended if I don't respond immediately to posts. I look forward to reading the thread properly later on.

🤣😉you find it totally fascinating because you are an introvert …you’re being stimulated by your theorising….

[quote ittakes2]I have just discovered inattentive adhd which mostly effects people born as females. Being impulsively chatty can be a sign but considering it sounds like you also get sensory overload combined that increases your chances. Does this sound like you?
chadd.org/attention-article/inattentive-women-with-adhd/[/quote]
Oh, sorry, only just read this post, after posing my last one. Thank you so much for taking the time to post that link. I'll have a good read-through later. I've wondered for some time if I might have ADD or ADHD. I've got OCD, and so my brain is often dually engaged...
Ah, alas, work beckons, sigh. But I look forward to reading both that article, and the thread, later...

I am very similar op. I am very friendly and social able when at work, or if I have to attend social events. However, I need a lot of time alone to recharge and am happiest on my own.
I was dancing in the middle of the dance floor at our office christmas party with no embarrassment, the life and soul. but when someone asked if they could accompany me for the bus journey home afterwards my heart sank! I was relying on that bit of quiet time to unwind and recharge before I got back to my house.

When I read your title I thought “An autistic person who is masking!”.

That interpretation is on being autistic myself though, and making such a huge effort to be friendly and confident and to fit in, that people then mistake me for someone who is genuinely confident and outgoing… then I retreat home to bed to recover.

I have accidentally made new friends with my apparent sociability as well though, which is stressful as it’s not how I really am and then I have to try and avoid them after that so I don’t have to keep up the sociable act, which might be a bit confusing for them really

This is a really interesting thread thank you OP but I am confused by all the talk of recharging batteries.

Do you mean winding down in the evening, like cooking, watching tv, folding laundry?

It's not something I've ever consciously sought out so I'm trying to work out what that means for me.

I’m not sure where I fit but I can relate

I am very chatty and sometimes maybe too much

Afterwards I really relish the alone time

I think part of it was a career where I had to be very outward and engage with people from many nationalities in other countries

I’d put a lot of effort in

I'm the shy extrovert you mention!
Happiest with people, but certainly not the outgoing, loud type.
I like being on my own in a busy place, that's my most content.

To be honest, even though I'm very much an introvert I never tend to notice what other people are (unless they are very definite extroverts, then I just notice how they're different to me). Most people I know I couldn't really tell if they were introverts or extroverts. My best and oldest friend of 40 years told me recently how she struggled with being an introvert. I'd never even noticed!! Most people I just see as being somewhere in the middle. If I met you and you were talking A LOT (more than the average person) I'd think you were nervous rather than an extrovert.

Yes I've confused people a few times in my life.
I'm definitely an introvert, need a lot of alone time and feel like I have an energy meter ticking down whenever I'm with someone. If we've had house guests in the past I want them to leave before they've even stayed the first night!
But I am very bubbly, chatty, happy around people but that's because I limit my interactions so I can give a lot when I do have company. People have mistaken this for being extroverted and wondered why I don't want more contact and can get a bit needy with me.
Basically I'll give short bursts of fun company and then want to be left alone for a few months! 😆

I dunno, but I love the sound of you. Chatty introverts are my favourite kind of people.

It seems everyone wants a label nowadays.

I think most people lean more towards one than the other but it's just a label and life isn't that clear cut.

My DP is like you, loves a chat and knows all the neighbours but finds it exhausting and needs time on his own to recharge and re-energise.
I'm more of a traditional introvert but have a very social job so have learnt to do small talk, present to large audiences etc but it means I need a lot of alone time outside of work. I plan social events and seeing friends carefully as I can only cope with one, maybe two social interactions (outside of work) per week. My DP is the exception as spending time with him doesn't drain me at all, quite the opposite.

@BananaPlants

When I read your title I thought “An autistic person who is masking!”.

That interpretation is on being autistic myself though, and making such a huge effort to be friendly and confident and to fit in, that people then mistake me for someone who is genuinely confident and outgoing… then I retreat home to bed to recover.

I have accidentally made new friends with my apparent sociability as well though, which is stressful as it’s not how I really am and then I have to try and avoid them after that so I don’t have to keep up the sociable act, which might be a bit confusing for them really

This made me smile. I like the idea of masking so effectively that you accidentally make new friends that you then have to avoid

I'm the same. I CAN talk the hind legs off a donkey who I've never met before, but that's not to say I actually want to be talking to them in thr first place, especially in a party situation where I'm surrounded by people. I much prefer 1-2-1 situations, and then time alone to recharge.

My mum's the opposite. Extrovert that she needs to be surrounded by people to be happy, but with low self-esteem and thus too shy to really engage with those she doesn't know. Interestingly whilst I can understand her need for company she can't understand my need for alone time at all. So she'd invite myself to mine when DP was away because I'd be lonely on my own, whereas I'd have been looking forward to having a few days on my own.

Yes - literally me!!!!