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Original poster

Feeling so anxious about what I’ve done. SS.

32 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 14/03/2022 10:05

At the start of last week I went into my son’s school and I reported concerns I had about the welfare of a girl who is in his class.

At the time I knew it was the right thing to do but as the days have passed I have started to feel sick about it.

The school rang Children’s Services to forward on my concerns and now I’m just left wondering what is going on.

I honestly can’t stop thinking about it. What if I was wrong? What if my report breaks up a family? What if I’ve made things worse for the child? I feel sick and anxious.

I was upset when I spoke to the school because I was so worried about the impact my report may have on the child and the family, and I feel tearful whenever I think about what I’ve done.

Does anyone know what would have happened once the referral went in?

I’m posting here because I don’t know where else to post and I’m just hoping someone can reassure me or explain what will be happening.

I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I want to ring the school but I know they won’t be able to tell me anything.

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 14/03/2022 10:13

You did the right thing.

They don't 'break up families' without very good reason, normally help is offered, people given a chance to change etc.
Anyway don't think of it as 'breaking up a family' think of it as 'keeping a child safe'.

LaraDeSalle · 14/03/2022 10:14

You’ve reported your concerns and now it’s in the hands of people that work with children as their profession.

You are not responsible for anything that happens next as all decisions will be made by those professionals.

Thinkingblonde · 14/03/2022 15:19

As a pp said it’s out of your hands now, the school has a duty to report to SS. School won’t tell you anything. Don’t feel bad for doing this, you may have changed the child’s life.
I did the same as you, only it was neighbour who I suspected was leaving her five year old in charge of her 8 month old when she went out.
She was on the same bus as me one day when her son was off school.
I wasn’t the only one to raise alarm bells.
She was brought up in care herself but not in this country where it was the norm to let older kids take care of younger ones…but a five year old?
I knew things weren’t right but she wouldn’t accept any offer of help.
SS were involved, with their support she kept her children.

Gilead · 14/03/2022 15:56

I’ve said this before. Mother was head of local primary school. I cooked, cleaned, did the washing for my three siblings. Also took a lot of abuse from her. I used to pray someone would report her.
You’ve done the right thing.

Loginmystery · 14/03/2022 16:00

You’ve done the right thing. I recently reported someone in my immediate family. He will never speak to me again he said. However you can’t ignore these things. Ss will not break up a family they might support them though.

Monkeybutt1 · 14/03/2022 16:03

Just wanted to add to the comments they don't just break families up. My brother reported his ex wife to SS as she was abusing their son physically and emotionally. SS did not swoop in and remove him, they spoke to him when he was at school (he was 13) they spoke to my brother and also the mum. I think its a misconception they will immediately remove children in all cases. If you were wrong and there is no issue they will find out, if you are right it will be dealt with accordingly.

Blackberrybunnet · 14/03/2022 16:23

You did the right thing. The very fact that the school passed this on to Children's Services shows that it was a matter for concern. If there's nothing to worry about, nothing will happen. They will only act if necessary. As others have said, let the professionals do their job. You've been a good citizen. Imagine how much worse you'd feel if there was a serious issue and you ignored it.

tintodeverano2 · 14/03/2022 16:27

But what if you've saved a child?

You won't be updated on what's happening, which is probably the worst thing.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 16:30

If you're wrong they'll do a welfare check and close the case.

It's better than if you're right and the child's been suffering with nobody to help her. You might be her lifeline.

RoyKentsChestHair · 14/03/2022 16:38

You’re giving yourself too much credit here! They’re not going to take your word for it that a child is in a tricky position and swoop in to put the DC into care. Your report will be one puzzle piece in a huge jigsaw, which will be looked at as a whole, investigated, support offered, and then only if there is real cause for concern and the parents are shown not to be safeguarding their child might a family be broken up for the good of the child - nothing to feel guilty about, I promise.

Idkiibu · 14/03/2022 17:05

If the reason for reporting was serious, what are you feeling guilty about?
I can’t automatically say that you’ve done the right thing without knowing what did you report the family for. It can be a tremendous life shattering stress for the family. But sometimes it needs to be done and if it’s the case in your situation, I can’t really understand why are you so stressed right now?

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 15/03/2022 07:23

When I said I was worried about my breaking up a family, I didn’t mean it in the sense of SS removing the child (I know that won’t happen) but in the sense of how the stress of the referral may affect the family stability.

Im also worried about the impact it will have on the child. I keep imaging the child potentially being spoken to by SS and how scary that may be for them. I’m worried the child may get in trouble with his parents.

So many horrible scenarios just run through my head.

When the school phoned me a few hours after I had spoken to them, to tell me to ring children Services so it could be followed up properly I felt reassured that my concern was warranted but now I feel a bit sick about it all.

It’s ridiculous as I know speaking to the school was the right thing to do, I have no regrets about it, but the potential fall-out of it makes me feel uneasy.

My friend told me last night that it will come to nothing and that it will just be down to “different parenting styles” and although I’m sure she was trying to make me feel better, it’s made me feel worse because now I feel like I’ve done something that may cause distress to a child and family and it will all be for nothing.

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 15/03/2022 14:34

A friend of mine worked with social services, (not a social worker more in a family liaison role ) and ,after initial checks were carried out by SS to ensure no immediate intervention was required, she went into the school to assess the child: observing chatting, role play, followed by visits to the home to see the interaction between parent and child. Her reports were then passed to Social workers. Removal of the child was rare, and only carried out if all other measure failed.

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 15/03/2022 14:43

It’s irrelevant now anyway.

I’ve had feedback today to say my concerns don’t meet the threshold for investigation and that the referral was passed back to the school for them to deal with it.

A teacher had spoken to the child about the incidents I reported but the child’s story didn’t match with mine and so nothing was done or can be done.

The school tried to contact the parents at the end of last week but they’ve had no response and so the school have said they’ll “chase it up.”

All this fretting I’ve done for absolutely nothing.

The school told me if I see anything else then to let them know but what’s the point.

OP posts:
Clarabe1 · 15/03/2022 14:49

What if you were right? You did the right thing- end of. It’s always better to voice a concern than sit on it and spend the rest of your life regretting it.

whysoserious123 · 15/03/2022 14:53

You did the right thing at that's the end of that. You would never forgive yourself if you didn't say anything and something awful happened. Perhaps the child's family are grateful what's happening has been reported as you just don't know the full story

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 14:54

I live in an area where the council no longer have control of SS because of their lack of action.

Not meeting their 'threshold' doesn't mean the child doesn't need support. It just means they don't tick the right boxes for whatever reason.

You did the right thing.

Emmelina · 15/03/2022 15:08

You did the right thing, and even though they did nothing it should be on file. How many sad stories have we read where the questions in the comments were “why didn’t school/neighbour/doctor/granny say anything?”

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 15/03/2022 15:10

I’ve been made to feel like I was lying or making it up.

The tone of voice they used when they told me the child’s version of events didn’t match with what I reported was horrible.

I was just trying to do the right thing and I’ve been made to feel like I’m in the wrong.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 15:12

@PaddlingLikeADuck

I’ve been made to feel like I was lying or making it up.

The tone of voice they used when they told me the child’s version of events didn’t match with what I reported was horrible.

I was just trying to do the right thing and I’ve been made to feel like I’m in the wrong.

Bear in mind a young child isn't just going to start talking to a stranger about things they think might get them or their parents into trouble OP
TeenPlusCat · 15/03/2022 15:12

What's the point?

The point is that reports build a picture up over time that may eventually lead to a child being protected from harm.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 15/03/2022 15:18

You shouldn't have had any sort of feedback after reporting. I cant believe the school have divulged someone else's families details to you.

seashellcollector · 15/03/2022 15:25

OP - if you made the report with good intentions (ie: a legitimate concern for the little girl's welfare) then you've done nothing wrong. Nor should you feel bad. Anyone decent ought to do the same thing, I certainly would if I felt a child was being abused/neglected.

The SS get so many baseless allegations and malicious claims about parents, they work quickly to establish if something is genuine or not.

A relative of my son (aged 4 at the time) made a baseless allegation about me to SS. He had already made the same allegation to pre-school and got rebuffed by them (after being told there was nothing to support his claims... Claimed my son is undernourished, "scruffy" and physically abused). Pre-school had an age-appropriate chat with my son, he was insistent that all is well and no abuse takes place. Said he loves me... This must have pissed off the accuser as he then made same allegations to SS. Also got rebuffed by them. SS lady came to visit me at home (by appointment), she kind of turned the tables as she was asking questions to me like "Why on earth do you allow this person in your son's life?".... She'd got quite a good picture of him and his motives. She and everyone else who had been dragged into the case (not to mention the complete waste of precious SS resources and time) were completely on my side.
The accuser was left looking very bitter and vindictive but my name was in the clear. I got the feeling they actually felt sorry for me having someone like that around.

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 15/03/2022 15:48

You shouldn't have had any sort of feedback after reporting. I cant believe the school have divulged someone else's families details to you.

I thought it was standard practice for those who have put a referral in to be told what the outcome was? I.e whether it had warranted further investigation or not?

And I don’t have any of the families details - all I know is the name of the girl, and even then it’s only her first name that I know.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 15/03/2022 15:58

Do not feel bad about reporting or the feedback.
Your report will be on file. And while no action was taken on this occasion it may form a pattern at a later date.
We are all responsible for the safety of children. Nobody should walk on by.
Well done.

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