What age would you stop allowing mixed sex sleepovers?

[Meadmaiden]

DD age 11 has a best friend who is male. He is the same age and a lovely boy. Their relationship is purely platonic, and she would like to have a sleepover with him, as she doesn't often get to see him now (due to distance).

What age do you think mixed sex sleepovers become in appropriate? Or are separate rooms ok? (But then what is the point of a sleepover?)

Sleepover in the living room instead?

I had a male close friend from 11 onwards. I married him (as a twenty something and still together 20 years later).

He slept over all through our teens. But nothing ‘untoward’ happened at sleepovers until we were much, much older and an established couple.

Not sure if any of that helps

I don’t think I’d ever allow it… when they’re young enough for it not to be an issue they are too young for a sleepover, unless parents are also staying I suppose. When they’re old enough to sleep over (maybe 7 on?) I think it’s too old as they’re becoming self aware and body conscious. I think a sleepover in separate rooms is fine. There is still benefit to this - staying up late, watching a movie in jammies, breakfast and play time in the morning.

We never allowed it.

All I can say based on terrible experiences is I would stop well before the age of 10.

Id say separate rooms at that age partly based on a friend of mine who had sex with her step brother at 11 her mum and his dad never considered them sharing a room was an issue and so I'd probably go on the side of caution even if you don't think anything would happen it's surprising what parents don't think their kids would do.

At our schook the kids started kissing in the playground around age 8, I know a boy who had sex at 9 😢

Personally wouldn’t do sleepovers. By the time they’re old enough to enjoy a sleepover, they’re also old enough to be interested in each others bodies.

Genuinely surprised at people saying they never allowed it. My son is best buddies with a girl on the street they had some sleepovers from about 6 onwards. They used to sleep top to toe in the bed chatting away. My daughters best friend is a boy I wouldn't even think of it as a problem. And they are 7. I think 11 is a bit young to worry personally.

Tough question tbh

My DD has a good friend since toddlerhood - they did sleepovers until they were 11 and the friend's mom talked to me and said he was starting to go through puberty, so we both agreed no more. I was grateful to her that she brought it up as it came so quickly and he still seemed like such a child, but she'd obviously noticed changes in him I hadn't. They are still great friends (now both 18).

Hmm, so it seems like an overwhelming no. Sad but I guess inevitable.

Nine or 10, I think. Definitely before starting secondary school.

My best friend was male, we were allowed to share a room for a bit too long (until about 13) and we took advantage of that. I think my parents struggled understandably to say last week you could, this week you cant.

I would allow sleep overs just in seperate rooms

I wouldn’t stop allowing it. Separate rooms if you must. I used to stay at my male best friend’s house a lot in secondary school. We had separate rooms until we were 16 then shared. The only time we ever had sex was when we were 18 and that wasn’t even on a sleepover, just a random afternoon when we were alone in the house.

If staying the night is the only way they can catch up due to travel distance then separate rooms. But let them stay up late watching movies, etc in the living room.

I would say 9.

I'd never ban it, but it'd be better if it could be as part of a group all sleeping in the living room, or have her in her own room and him in the guest room/downstairs.

We did mixed sex sleepovers throughout our teens with usually the boys in one room and girls in another (wanted the privacy for getting changed etc anyway), then camping in a garden all together from about 15. Nothing ever happened but I can see that one to one you'd want to keep them apart for a while especially while they're so young.

I also agree that parents often forget that teens can get up to stuff in the afternoon as well as at night if they're set on it

I'd allow it but go with seperate rooms.

If they don't see each other often now due to distance then presumably the appeal is that they get to spend a lot of time together, rather than the "sleep-over" part of it.

I'd let them stay up late downstairs then ship him off to the guest room for actual sleep.

I had mostly male friends throughout secondary school and slept over at their houses throughout. I have yet to have sex with any of them.

Unless there had been really troubling behaviour from the child in question, it would never occur to me to ban mixed sex sleepovers for 11 year olds.

@TallTreeWaving

I don’t think I’d ever allow it… when they’re young enough for it not to be an issue they are too young for a sleepover, unless parents are also staying I suppose. When they’re old enough to sleep over (maybe 7 on?) I think it’s too old as they’re becoming self aware and body conscious. I think a sleepover in separate rooms is fine. There is still benefit to this - staying up late, watching a movie in jammies, breakfast and play time in the morning.

Agree with this

My 15 year old DD1 had a mixed sex sleepover party last month.

We've always done sleepovers in the living room, siblings are always involved though not always all of them (I have four kids), and we have a rule that any guests - of either sex - upstairs means doors open (we had a playdate when they were tiny where a small child got freaked out because she couldn't open the door so since then, all doors open which has transitioned really well for the older years). Changing happens privately in the bathroom.

We've the benefit that I live with two adults who work nights so we plan them with at least one of them off so they regularly check in on them while I hide away from it all .

I wouldn't allow it at any age.

Never. We all (our group of friends) had mixed sex sleepovers until we went to Uni then we all travelled and stopped in each other’s houses. Why wouldn’t you?

In fact, I went to uni and shared a house with a boy I’ve been life long friends with! Nothing untoward has ever happened between me and any of my fellow sleepover people.

I think it can and does work for any age. However, based on some of the things I'd seen/experienced with I was 13/14 at friends house I didn't allow is when I was in that situation as a parents (basically experimenting, truth of dare and so on...thankfully in the era before camera phones).

I was sexually assaulted a couple of times during sleepovers, by a boy I had been friends with for a couple of years. We were only 10 and 11. No one knew as I never told anyone due to shame.
So, based on my experience I'd only allow a sleepover if supervised in the living room or if my daughter shares my bed and the boy is in another room. I wouldn't trust them not to sneak into each other's rooms during the night.