Page 2 | What age would you stop allowing mixed sex sleepovers?

Meadmaiden · 2022-03-13T21:55:32+00:00

DD age 11 has a best friend who is male. He is the same age and a lovely boy. Their relationship is purely platonic, and she would like to have a sleepover with him, as she doesn't often get to see him now (due to distance). What age do you think mixed sex sleepovers become in appropriate? Or are separate rooms ok? (But then what is the point of a sleepover?)

Cakecakeandcake · 14/03/2022 17:37

I think my son was about 8/9.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 14/03/2022 19:00

@waterrat

Genuinely surprised at people saying they never allowed it. My son is best buddies with a girl on the street they had some sleepovers from about 6 onwards. They used to sleep top to toe in the bed chatting away. My daughters best friend is a boy I wouldn't even think of it as a problem. And they are 7. I think 11 is a bit young to worry personally.

Tough question tbh

I agree.

Caramelandcoco · 14/03/2022 19:05

I think that’s really naive and quite disrespectful.

drawingpad · 14/03/2022 19:09

@BowerOfBramble

I also agree that parents often forget that teens can get up to stuff in the afternoon as well as at night if they're set on it

It's not always about what the teens choose to get up to though. A sleepover means there is no option to leave, to get away.

LethargeMarg · 14/03/2022 21:19

My son is ten (year 5) and is mainly friends with girls, he's been quite fed up as I've not let him go to sleepovers he's been invited to this year with the girls, the main reasons are - 1) I had an unpleasant experience at this age camping with a friend who was a boy and even though I know his friends are lovely it just makes me a bit nervous about it 2) many of the girls of his age are starting puberty and I didn't want to put him in an awkward position if he was to accidentally walk in on someone getting changed etc 3) he did go to a sleepover with a girl in year 4 but unbeknownst to me she saw him as a boyfriend and wanted to hold hands which I don't think he was up for !! So for me it's year 5 onwards I would not have mixed . They wouldn't be mixed on a school camp at this age

Jessicabrassica · 15/03/2022 07:54

Think our kids were y4 ( not even on a sleep over but playing upstairs with all parents downstairs) when one of the boys started making inappropriate suggestions to one of the girls, worrying her and prompting one of the other boys to go downstairs to find parents because he was uncomfortable. Thank goodness the parents were there.

I think in high school I'd tolerate several children in the lounge but not 1:1.

Flittingaboutagain · 15/03/2022 08:41

When I was in year four the boys took it turns trying to trick us girls... offering to lend us their erasers that they'd rubbed on their genitalia and claim we'd touched a dick. It only takes one child to have an older sibling in a friendship group to shift things.

In year five a boy (our friend) trapped my friend and I in her bedroom saying we had to show him our bodies to get out. We were so shocked as he was our friend since nursery. Neither of us told our parents because we didn't want to get into trouble.

I'm not going to put my own children in this position now I have them.

Ducksurprise · 15/03/2022 08:56

@Flittingaboutagain

When I was in year four the boys took it turns trying to trick us girls... offering to lend us their erasers that they'd rubbed on their genitalia and claim we'd touched a dick. It only takes one child to have an older sibling in a friendship group to shift things.

In year five a boy (our friend) trapped my friend and I in her bedroom saying we had to show him our bodies to get out. We were so shocked as he was our friend since nursery. Neither of us told our parents because we didn't want to get into trouble.

I'm not going to put my own children in this position now I have them.

The problem here is if the person your child is staying with has siblings. You might let your dd sleep over at a Girls house and not factor in her older brother.

I think it is a very individual decision, it depends on the house set up, what adults are around. I think a good compromise is staying up in the lounge and then separate rooms to sleep.

LowlyTheWorm · 16/03/2022 08:45

Talk to your children about consent and sex and their bodies etc. And don’t ban sleepovers with anyone…

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 08:50

@LowlyTheWorm

Talk to your children about consent and sex and their bodies etc. And don’t ban sleepovers with anyone…

This is poor advice. Teach your teen but let them have sleepovers with anyone (who's boundaries may not be clear) ?

I think it's important to remember that sexual assault is very much a possibility and with the best will in the world teaching your child boundaries will not protect them from that.

WTF475878237NC · 16/03/2022 19:39

I think it's important to remember that sexual assault is very much a possibility and with the best will in the world teaching your child boundaries will not protect them from that.

^ exactly. How naive to think that if we all just taught our children to say no they'd never be assaulted.

MangyInseam · 16/03/2022 19:58

Not only assault but at that age misunderstanding and people feeling pressured are real possibilities. For a boy I might worry that he's inadvertently make a girl uncomfortable and if she complained that could be serious long term for him. All of that can happen without kids trying to be aggressive or problematic.

Kids in early puberty - so 10 and up - don't always have the greatest emotional intelligence or ability to anticipate consequences.

RockinHorseShit · 16/03/2022 20:14

With sexuality so fluid these days, you protect them from nothing with single sex sleepovers & you do risk alienating your DD with overly harsh rules, especially if boys are already allowed & then you suddenly stop that, it will be seen rightly as mistrust of her. We carried on as normal, but with long chats to DD about trust & boundaries etc. All was perfectly fine

RockinHorseShit · 16/03/2022 20:17

I think it's important to remember that sexual assault is very much a possibility and with the best will in the world teaching your child boundaries will not protect them from that

That's why group sleepovers are better at this age, though we tended to do that anyway

LethargeMarg · 16/03/2022 21:34

@RockinHorseShit

With sexuality so fluid these days, you protect them from nothing with single sex sleepovers & you do risk alienating your DD with overly harsh rules, especially if boys are already allowed & then you suddenly stop that, it will be seen rightly as mistrust of her. We carried on as normal, but with long chats to DD about trust & boundaries etc. All was perfectly fine

I disagree. Girls are more vulnerable if there was a sexual assault from a boy rather than a girl. Or even things that aren't as serious, I was quite traumatised by a snog from the boy I went camping with at age ten and felt trapped and vulnerable . Then there's things like an unexpected period in the night etc etc .

RockinHorseShit · 16/03/2022 21:56

Girls are also committing sexual assault on girls these days too @LethargeMarg, sadly I know of 2 via DD.

I guess it's how close the friendships are & how well you know her friends & trust them & a bigger group is safer than just 1 or 2 friends. We've never had any issues, though 1 lad I didn't trust wasn't allowed, but otherwise all very respectful & they just sit & talk as a group most of the night

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 16/03/2022 22:06

I’m in the same position with 11 yr old dd and her boy best friend. I feel a bit sad about it because they’ve got such a lovely platonic friendship but I’m stopping same room sleepovers now. Dd is well into puberty and even though her best friend is one of my favourite boys ever I just don’t feel it’s right to put either of them in that position now.