Midlife Crisis? Feel lost and hopeless

Shuffleuplove · 12/03/2022 21:55

You need a life coach. Yes yes yes you do.

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 12/03/2022 22:02

Those Instagram people who wang on about manifesting wealth? No thanks.

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TheHoptimist · 12/03/2022 22:46

@Shuffleuplove

You need a life coach. Yes yes yes you do.

Your really really dont

Charlatans who have achieved sod all themselves in life

Blueberry40 · 12/03/2022 23:17

Different people find different things fulfilling so it’s difficult to say without knowing you. I would start by thinking about what makes you feel that sense of focus.

What did you enjoy doing as a child that you could happily spend hours doing? Sport? Painting? Acting? Crafts? Dance? Looking after a pet? It could be anything but it’s a good starting point for thinking about what really makes you tick and what fulfils you.

From there you can start to become more aware of the kind of things you enjoy that feel worthwhile to you. And it doesn’t matter about your age, those limits are in your head- a lot of courses have a range of age groups, don’t let that hold you back.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 12/03/2022 23:54

I’ve never found my thing either. And now both of my children are at high school and money is getting a bit tighter just now, I’d really like to find a job but I have absolutely no idea what to do or who would want me, I haven’t worked in fifteen years and have no relevant qualifications or experience. You are not alone.

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 00:01

At least you have children though. I don't want children, never have, but what reason do I have for achieving next to nothing? I've been good at everything I've tried, I just eventually grew bored or miserable and moved on.

I've always felt that I would one day find my niche, and that there was time, but now I don't think there is. Even if there was, I don't know what it is.

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Peppermintparrot · 13/03/2022 00:13

Depression is often a hint that we are living the wrong sort of life or we need to make adjustments.

And if you are feeling the lack of money now slightly at 40 yrs, you will feel it much more at 50 and 60 years. And 40 is honestly no age! Many women have their best decade in their forties! You still have your energy and good looks, a quick brain, and you are young enough to retrain for a couple of years.

And even if you are financially secure and don't need extra money, surely you want the autonomy and security of earning your own money now?

As a fellow expat, here are some suggestions:

teaching English (train properly for this and work with a language school before going freelance) then you can choice which area of work you prefer: working with adults or children, in a business setting, with individuals or groups, hwk tutoring or setting up workshops going a craft or a sport or other activity in English.

baking English cakes or savoury , or dishes

learning how to create English style floristry

gardening classes in English or rural pursuits : compost making, organic gardening, veg growing, selling veg or creating a product such as honey or cheese or chutney and selling them at a market stall.

working in some area of tourism

brushing up computer skills

Do you speak the language of your host country? If not, that would be a good place to start.

Maybe you could volunteer in your local or expat community and see where that leads?

I hope you feel more positive spin op. Don't underestimate the negative effects of Covid , and now potential war, on all of us. These are hard times, and even more insecure than normal if you are an expat

Peppermintparrot · 13/03/2022 00:15

soon (not spin)

Peppermintparrot · 13/03/2022 00:18

Also, if you don't have any strong inclinations leading you towards one particular area of work, I wouldn't hang around "waiting until it feels right". I would find something that seems ok-ish and take it from there. If you get easily bored, then running your own business might keep you stimulated and motivated?

CatAndHisKit · 13/03/2022 00:19

Try a career advisor / psychologist maybe. Sounds like it's getting bored that's the problem, you did like those things you were good at but got bored, that's a personailty type. Most jobs get boring unless they aer high adrenalin jobs. You need one of those, it seems - foreign correspondent kind of thing. Helps to be a creative.
I always envy (in a good way) creative people who managed to turn it into a profession, but even they have lulls, somtimes depressing or anxious lulls.

Peppermintparrot · 13/03/2022 00:20

And finally, thanks to the pandemic, there are many more opportunities now to work via Zoom, so maybe, if you could sort the tax practicalities, you could work for an enterprise in the UK?

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 00:33

@CatAndHisKit

Try a career advisor / psychologist maybe. Sounds like it's getting bored that's the problem, you did like those things you were good at but got bored, that's a personailty type. Most jobs get boring unless they aer high adrenalin jobs. You need one of those, it seems - foreign correspondent kind of thing. Helps to be a creative. I always envy (in a good way) creative people who managed to turn it into a profession, but even they have lulls, somtimes depressing or anxious lulls.

I am a creative, that is the problem. I like intense, all-consuming projects followed by longish breaks to refresh, but the lulls in work do make me very anxious, because money was tight when I was growing up. You burn out if you work like that all the time though.

I tried doing the creative stuff within organisations, for the job security, but it became like any other desk job, doing the same thing day in day out. I found it stifling and hated the office politics. Freelancing suits me better, but I struggle with the constant fear of being broke, so I've held back from taking the sorts of risks I should have.

I have been working hard on a new line of creative work for the past year, which I am really enjoying, but I am now overwhelmed by the fear that it won't work out. Which it easily might not, and then what? I feel like I have nothing else and all this effort will have been wasted.

It's all fear. I am furious with myself for letting fear hold me back all these years, and now I'm competing with people who will see me as a tragic, ancient failure. Maybe I should just lie about my age.

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user1471448866 · 13/03/2022 00:35

@TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether

I turned 40 a few months ago. I was fine at the time, but now I feel like I am sliding into depression. The same thing happened when I turned 30 and here I am again - where did that decade go? I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I want to do.

I have no career, I left a promising career three years ago to move abroad, which I don't regret at all. It's been so much better in every way living where I do. I didn't want to stay in my previous career. The problem is, I don't know what to do now. I've been doing some freelance work that I enjoy well enough, but it's not a career and it's not what I want to do forever.

I was a high achiever at school, everyone expected me to have some amazing career, but I've never found my thing. I still don't know what it is.

I have a nice enough life, though not much money. That doesn't bother me so much, though it would be nice to have more. What's missing is the fulfilment. I don't have children and don't want them. I need fulfilling work, but how the hell do I find it when I don't know what I want to do? How the fuck do you even start when you're already middle aged? If I start something new now, everyone else will be literally half my age.

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe in the hope that others have been through it? Everyone on MN seems to be such a high achiever though.

I think reaching ‘milestone’ birthdays hits some (by no means all) of us like a sledgehammer. I cried dropping my dd and her friend off at school on my 50th when my dd played ‘forever young’ . On the surface I had a brilliant life - happy marriage, very secure financially but I had given up work, gained loads of weight and was depressed without even realising it. Since then I have taken up exercise, lost 2 stone and am now looking for volunteering roles (covid put a stop to this) . I truly think I had lost myself and it was a horrible place to be but you can turn things around

blueshoes · 13/03/2022 00:40

I feel slightly irritated by 'not finding your thing'.

People don't become high achievers because they found their thing. They just start somewhere, pleasantly surprised they are reasonably good at it and then work hard and gain valuable skills and experience, network and cultivate contacts which brings in the work or earns them the high salaries. If they are not good at it, move on until you find something more suitable and stick at it.

You are lucky to be good at so many things. The first decision is whether you want to stay where you are or whether you want to move countries. Then find out what the options are. Choose the one that appeals to you most (is it money, interesting work, travel opportunities, etc) and is somewhere you can see yourself in 5 years and throw yourself into it.

If you are an employee, you may have to start at a fairly junior level but just suck it up, make yourself useful and you will soon be on your way. I changed careers at 40 starting at entry level. In 10 years, I changed jobs 4 times and tripled my salary, starting at the bottom and now head my own department. It is possible but it took a lot of hard work and learning on the job.

blueshoes · 13/03/2022 00:48

OP, I just read you are in the creative field. Therefore, my last post is probably not relevant.

Are you able to say which one?

If you are afraid of being broke between projects, is it possible to take on a project or an office job which is not all consuming but leaves you time to give you a safety net whilst you work on your new creative endeavour? This will enable you to build up savings to give you a cushion for failure and allow you to take risks.

If you can do your work anywhere (I am not sure if you can but if you can), can you move back with your parents or flat share to build up your savings.

Think around how to set yourself up to pursue your new creative project. Think it is as a project in itself and start to put the pieces and support in place to achieve it. Am I guessing you are just drifting in your ideas? Well, make them concrete. 6 months to a year down the road, you will be well on your way.

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 00:49

When did I suggest I don't work hard, blueshoes?

I've always worked, I work now. I've always paid my way and I never phone it in. I work bloody hard at everything I do.

The point is, I have no dependents, no major responsibilities, why shouldn't I pursue a career that I actually love? I just never anticipated not finding it, and I'm running out of time.

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blueshoes · 13/03/2022 00:57

The point is, I have no dependents, no major responsibilities, why shouldn't I pursue a career that I actually love? I just never anticipated not finding it, and I'm running out of time.

You are set up to have it all but you are not finding it. The strange thing is that the more you seek that perfect thing that will make you happy, the more elusive it is. The person with responsibilities and no time for self-actualisation may actually find it easier to find fulfilment even though they have to compromise more and lower their expectations. That is because they are not seeking anything, just trying to get by. The perfect job or fit probably does not exist. You have to find fulfilment in other areas to balance it out.

I am wondering whether your restlessness is something that is in you and will always be within you. Just a thought.

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 01:02

Sorry cross post. It's good to hear you started again at 40, blueshoes, that is encouraging. I keep reading articles about late bloomers and telling myself there's still time.

Moving "home" is not an option, and hasn't been since I moved away for university really. We don't have a family home in that sense, everyone went their separate ways. In any case, I have a husband and a life!

I am already pursuing the option of doing an unrelated job that is easy on the brain but pays the bills, while I put my creative efforts into my new project. It is the fear of it not working out that is making me panic.

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Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 01:17

The restlessness may always be there, I don't know. It was for my father.

I'm probably giving the impression that I have the freedom and flexibility to flit from thing to thing, which is not accurate. I don't have the resources for that, never have. I wouldn't say that I am set up to have it all, certainly not compared with many other people in my line of work. The ones with comfortable safety nets on average do a lot better. I think that's true in all sectors though, really.

I'm absolutely certain that it's fear of being broke that holds me back. I can almost physically feel it, like a hand on my chest. I realise that sounds ridiculous. We never had money to spare when I was a kid, and we don't have much now. What we do have I'm afraid to spend, because I'm always thinking we could lose our jobs any day, prices are rising, what if, what if...

I need to get past the fear and take more risks. I should behave as if I am set up to have it all.

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blueshoes · 13/03/2022 01:39

You have a dh. There is your safety net right there

I understand about the feeling of financial insecurity growing up that is always there at the back of your mind. I dealt with it by choosing a course at university that would pay me the highest wage for my limited skills. So that is how I found my 'niche' I guess. I did not seek to enjoy what I do, just not hate it is good enough for me. I have low expectations, hence the somewhat tetchiness earlier about 'finding your thing' which I apologise for.

You can be good at anything you want to. But it is difficult because the creative field generally does not pay well for the hours you put in and so you are left with fewer options to take risks.

You already have a steady non-demanding job to pay the bills and a new exciting creative project. That sounds like you are all set? Is there something else that is bothering you?

Original poster

TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether · 13/03/2022 01:50

Is there something else that is bothering you?

I don't think I'll turn this thread into any more of a self-indulgent therapy session. Is "being 40" enough?

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MistySkiesAfterRain · 13/03/2022 01:52

You absolutely have time - we really need to get it out of our mindsets that 40 is old. Maybe in our parents generation but in this day people will be working until 68 before claiming pensions. You have more working life ahead of you than behind you.

My Dad worked on contracts most of his life. One thing this taught me is that another job always comes along eventually.

Choosingtochange · 13/03/2022 01:58

You sound lost and sad, and I'm sorry you feel that way. In my opinion if I was in your situation I'd travel. Just book a plane ticket or a train and go. If you have no responsibilities. I'm sorry if I've not read the full thread and if money is a problem. I wish you all the best

Choosingtochange · 13/03/2022 02:00

Sorry I take that back.

Peppermintparrot · 13/03/2022 03:45

Having read your update, a lot of what I posted below is not relevant.

What were you hoping from this thread op? There are some contradictions in your posts.

You say "I have been working hard on a new line of creative work for the past year, which I am really enjoying, but I am now overwhelmed by the fear that it won't work out. Which it easily might not, and then what? I feel like I have nothing else and all this effort will have been wasted."

^^. This does not seem like someone who hasn't "found their niche". You are working hard and enjoying what you are doing! (That's as good as it gets for many of us btw!) It sounds more like someone who is afraid to take the next big step.

Do you think you may be suffering from anxiety or depression?
You don't have to feel sad to be depressed. You can just feel very flat and "paralysed". And being unable to make a decision can be a symptom too.

Or did you come on here to seek reassurance before making the next leap in to the dark? What is the worst that can happen? Surely risking failure is better than not trying and regretting that forever? You certainly are not ancient! Or tragic! And all of your work will be wasted anyway if you don't try won't it?

No one can give you the answer op. But maybe you need some more support to make the decision? Perhaps you could see a counsellor for a few sessions or find a mentor in your field? Or maybe you need to see a doctor to get some support with your mh?

Good luck