Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

8 y/o won't sleep alone.

38 replies

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 10/03/2022 19:36

I know this isn't parenting but posting for hopefully more responses.

My dd8 had Covid in January and was really unwell for a few days so she was in bed with me for the whole week, she then went back to her own bed but was waking frequently during the night. She then got ill again with an awful ear infection so I was sleeping in her bed and now she's completely lost the ability to sleep alone. If I get into her bed she will fall asleep within 20 minutes but if I don't she is up and down and tossing and turning until midnight sometimes, if she does fall asleep she will wake up about 2-3am and come in because she can't get back to sleep.

It's now easier for me to send her to bed with the promise of me getting in with her when I go up and that seems enough so relax her so she can go to sleep then if she wakes in the night she goes for a wee and straight back to sleep.

She's not 100% since Covid so I'm constantly thinking about her getting decent sleep and to be honest it's no hardship sleeping with her as she has a nice big bed and is easy to sleep with, dh doesn't care because he gets the bed to himself and we all get a decent sleep.

Just wondering if I'm wrong for giving in and sleeping with her? Should I be stricter or just go with the flow and all get some sleep? WWYD? I can't work out if I'm doing right or wrong!

OP posts:
CarlCarlson · 10/03/2022 19:46

Yes you shouldn’t have given in but that’s done now

Correct cause of action now is to simply return her to her own bed. No chat. Just back to bed

liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:01

Well if none of you mind I don't see the issue personally. Dd2 slept in my bed for most of the year she was 8. She only recently went back to her own bed after I bought her a memory foam topper and some teddy fleece bedding. Not as a bribe. I didn't mind if she moved or not, just that I'd been meaning to get the topper for ages and found one at a good price and the bedding was super reduced so picked it up. She's 9 now and gets in the odd night but only maybe once a month sometimes less. If they have a need it's often easier and more beneficial to provide it without making a big deal. They won't be climbing in your bed age 15

Instawhat · 10/03/2022 20:03

If everyone in the family is happy and you're all sleeping well, then why would it be wrong?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:06

@Instawhat

If everyone in the family is happy and you're all sleeping well, then why would it be wrong?
Exactly. I never understand why adults expect young children to sleep entirely alone without even comfort when they wake when they themselves like to sleep alongside a companion.
Wartywart · 10/03/2022 20:13

Totally agree @liveforsummer.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 20:21

@CarlCarlson

Yes you shouldn’t have given in but that’s done now

Correct cause of action now is to simply return her to her own bed. No chat. Just back to bed

This is what you will need to do.. so you could either do it now, or do it over the Easter or summer holiday where a bit of tiredness won't do her any harm.

I think it's fine to leave it for a bit, but don't let it go on too long, as being able to get yourself to sleep and self sooth is an important growing up skills.

Plan it with her, so she knows it's going to happen, perhaps buy a new duvet as a 'sleeping like a big girl' present, and set up an audio bedtime story and water and audio stories/meditations for her to use to self sooth when she wakes (there are ones for kids). But when you go for it - be strict about it.

liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:32

Sleeping like a big girl? She's 8 not 2! Do you sleep alone like a big girl?

Original poster
ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 10/03/2022 20:42

@liveforsummer

Well if none of you mind I don't see the issue personally. Dd2 slept in my bed for most of the year she was 8. She only recently went back to her own bed after I bought her a memory foam topper and some teddy fleece bedding. Not as a bribe. I didn't mind if she moved or not, just that I'd been meaning to get the topper for ages and found one at a good price and the bedding was super reduced so picked it up. She's 9 now and gets in the odd night but only maybe once a month sometimes less. If they have a need it's often easier and more beneficial to provide it without making a big deal. They won't be climbing in your bed age 15
Absolutely don't mind at all and I'm all for everyone in the house getting decent sleep. I did try to return her to her bed but then I was laying there feeling guilty and sorry for her being alone and then she would come back and we would go back and forth until I was losing patience and she was knackered! It's good to know that your daughter was the same at a similar age, my son was similar and I just went with it but had so many people telling me he needed to sleep alone that I didn't know what to do for the best 🤯
OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 20:44

@liveforsummer

Sleeping like a big girl? She's 8 not 2! Do you sleep alone like a big girl?
Yes exactly, she's 8 not 2 - so she needs to get back to sleeping alone, and planning it with her, and a bit of bribery will help her do that. This is basic stuff.
Original poster
ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 10/03/2022 20:45

@Instawhat

If everyone in the family is happy and you're all sleeping well, then why would it be wrong?
I think it's just what's considered "the norm" isn't it and anything that deviates from that feels like shit parenting! I know she will grow out of it and she obviously just needs that comfort at the moment so I think I just needed some reassurance that it was ok.
OP posts:
Original poster
ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 10/03/2022 20:48

@Luredbyapomegranate I think that's a good idea about waiting for a school holiday as then I can give her some notice and I won't be stressed about her having to get up for school the next day. She needs a fair bit of sleep especially at the moment as weekends she will happily sleep in until 8.30/9am.

I think it's just turned into a bit of a habit that she needs to break but also I don't want to stick her in her room alone if she just needs a bit of comfort at the moment. It's so hard!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 10/03/2022 20:49

@Instawhat

If everyone in the family is happy and you're all sleeping well, then why would it be wrong?
I like this. It works for all of us at the moment as it's very relaxed and everyone is sleeping unlike when I try to get her back to bed at 3am!
OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 10/03/2022 20:50

You do what suits you guys. :) If you WANT to change the situation I’d recommend during it during a decent break like Easter or summer holidays. Get her excited about her own space. Buy a night light or similar if she doesn’t like the all out dark. Soothing music etc.
Mum struggled with me so she’d come and lie down with me until she thought I’d drifted off, then she’d sneak off. Sometimes it worked, sometimes I called her back in for a bit longer.

My 10 year old sleeps with me sometimes - so what? We love our late night chats about the week, sharing secrets under the duvet and the like. Mum used to let me sleep with her when dad was away on business trips- I loved every minute. Enjoy and don’t listen to mumsnetters 😉

liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:51

I suppose everyone does what's right for them and then believe it should be the same for everyone. I've been the same with both my dc and they are both extremely independent and confident. Dd1 now 12 went off to Paris with a brownie unit she'd only just joined aged 7 and loved every minute despite often sleeping in my bed at the time. Dd9 has missed a lot of that due to covid up til now but can't wait to go on her first camp next month. It's really never done any of them any harm. I work in a school and we do lots of training on nurture and meeting the needs of dc rather than trying to enforce societies ideas and it's really backed up what I've always belonged a lot giving them what they need being a benefit to their development on the long run

WhatNowwwww · 10/03/2022 20:52

@CarlCarlson

Yes you shouldn’t have given in but that’s done now

Correct cause of action now is to simply return her to her own bed. No chat. Just back to bed

I couldn’t disagree more. She’ll get back to being happy to sleep alone, just like she used to. For now she needs that reassurance and comfort. I’d carry on sleeping with her when she needs you, I’d it starts to be a problem for you or her Dad, then I’d use very gentle techniques to change things.
fullofpips · 10/03/2022 20:53

If she's still not 100%, then she must still need a bit of extra comfort. I don't see the issue personally. I'm not sure of the best way to get her back in a routine, I'd probably just follow her lead - but sending her back to bed without speaking a word to her like advised above seems a bit mean in my opinion.

I get what you mean about it not being the 'norm' but tbh I'd feel happy that my 8 year old still wanted to sleep with me at night 😂 getting lots of good sleep at the minute is going to help her get better too!

liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:53

it's very relaxed and everyone is sleeping unlike when I try to get her back to bed at 3am!

And yes this sort of thing has been my entire parenting style from day 1. So what's suits us all and makes us all the happiest and most importantly with the most sleep 😆

KitKatKit · 10/03/2022 20:54

OP, you do what gets you all the most rest. Your DD will look back at these years and remember the comfort you gave her, not banishing her to her own room when she clearly needs the support.

liveforsummer · 10/03/2022 20:57

Yes exactly, she's 8 not 2 - so she needs to get back to sleeping alone, and planning it with her, and a bit of bribery will help her do that. This is basic stuff.

Well that's not what her behaviour is showing. She can sleep on her own, she's shown that. But atm she clearly needs some company and a need met. No big deal when the entire family is happy. It's just the opinions of others outside the home that op is even questioning it

UserError012345 · 10/03/2022 20:58

My DD is 9 and sleeps with me. She'll go when she's ready.

My eldest DD stayed till 11.

FantasticFebruary · 10/03/2022 21:00

@ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner

You 3 are all good with it, then go with the flow!!

One of my god daughters slept with her (single mum) until she was quite old (11-12) because her mum worked long hours & travelled a lot & it was a nice way of reconnecting. She had no problem in school trips or sleep overs and gradually started sleeping in her Ian room more & more as she wanted to read/listen to music/message friends etc.

Totally lively, well balanced 17 year old now.

She won't want to do it firever, be there while she wants the comfort if knowing you'll be there when she wakes up etc.

Screw anyone that says anything negative!!

Whataboutno · 10/03/2022 21:00

I still sleep with my 6 year old and I'll do it as long as she needs me to! I never understand this thing about them having to sleep on their own, if anything I sleep better when they are in with me anyway as I'm not constantly listening out for them! Different strokes for different folks.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 21:05

@liveforsummer

Yes exactly, she's 8 not 2 - so she needs to get back to sleeping alone, and planning it with her, and a bit of bribery will help her do that. This is basic stuff.

Well that's not what her behaviour is showing. She can sleep on her own, she's shown that. But atm she clearly needs some company and a need met. No big deal when the entire family is happy. It's just the opinions of others outside the home that op is even questioning it

Untwist your knickers. I haven't suggested the OP do it now, but at a more relaxed time over the holiday. Kids do get stuck on going into their parent's beds, and other habits, after the need has gone (same way as adults get stuck on behaviours) and this is a way to gently help her change her behaviour at a time that suits.

It's no different to things like buying kids a weaning present when you want to stop extended BF and they aren't doing it naturally. It's standard stuff.

People can have different views you know, that's what a forum is for - a way for OPs to gather different views and decide what they want to do.

CarlCarlson · 10/03/2022 23:13

Sorry but it isn’t right for her to be sleeping with her parent at age 8.

Its not unusual that she has got in to a phase of not wanting to stay in her own bed but you need to nip it in the bud and restore her confidence to sleep alone

Man and wife should sleep together. And the child should be in their own bed till morning

CarlCarlson · 10/03/2022 23:15

Reassurance is letting her know she’s safe and comfortable asleep in her own bed

The parents bed is for the parents, both of them, not the child