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Original poster

What Is Up With My Friend?

79 replies

Soffit · 07/03/2022 16:14

I have been friends with her since we were teenagers. We were definitely best friends but as the years went by, we became increasingly distant. She has always been kind and a good listener but has the typical upper middle class 'English reserve' so not much spontaneous emotion on show.
She started dating much earlier than I did. Even when she chose to lose her virginity, it was clearly more about completing a rite of passage rather than emotionally engaging. She went through breakups without expressing any emotions even though she never instigated these. She always stated that she hoped for a serious relationship but she has not changed her approach towards them. Arranging dates is always done as though it is an administrative procedure. This has become worse since she immersed herself into OLD.
She works in different cities around the world. Typically, she will go onto dating apps just before relocating and set up dates and she is usually intimate with a new person within a week of moving. However, as I said, there is no sign of excitement or unbridled passion. It is all about filling in a timetable efficiently and establishing (in a consistently rigid ratio) her work-entertainment-chores-friends-dating balance.
She always obliges wrt consummating the relationships even when she feels it is hopeless and is also emotionless in the way in which she relays this.
Once she allowed a guy back simply because he stated that he had parked near her flat as they left the restaurant because he had paid for the meal and she thought it was fair to award him a shag for it even though there was no spark or prospect of another date. She will oblige every time in a dutiful drab way like old married couples. Her ratio of time allocated to the relationship doesn't change through time either. The guys invariably dump her and she is nonplussed in her reaction and immediately gets back on the apps in robotic fashion. Consequently, her 'number' is now huge even though she is a well-spoken, cultured, demure sort.
She still maintains that she would like a serious relationship but everything in her approach and demeanour seems wrong (unless this is normal and I have misunderstood her. It bothers me to such an extent that I now question whether she is even emotionally engaged as a friend or simply going through the correct motions. What could it be?

OP posts:

Whattochoosenow · 07/03/2022 18:52

You seem overly invested in the way she conducts her sex life.
Being friends with someone doesn’t mean being the same as them. It means accepting them for who they are and understanding there will be differences.

Tinacollada · 07/03/2022 18:53

And nb. OP - women are allowed to have sex

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 18:54

@beastlyslumber

However, when I find myself smudging the house with sage and pouring cleaning liquids down the loo after she has visited from abroad at Christmas because I am grossed out by it all then I question whether there is any point left to being a long distance ex-best friend.

I'm sorry, OP, but the more you post, the more it sounds like you are the one with the problem. This behaviour is weird and deeply unpleasant.

I wonder if your friend makes up stories to wind you up, because she knows how judgemental and moralistic you are.

Either way, please leave this woman alone. You are harming her.

I think I will cut off the friendship. It is beyond over. We are probably morally disadvantaging one another on a deep level. It is true that since I found my spiritual path a few years ago, I have changed a lot compared to the naïve, humorous teenager I was when we first became friends. She knows and understands me well, she is not the sort to make things up in that context (although you can never be sure).

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

StringFellow · 07/03/2022 18:55

Does she know you’re posting this about her? I’d be really upset if I were your friend

beastlyslumber · 07/03/2022 18:56

You need GPS on your spiritual path, if you think it's okay to treat people the way you treat your friend.

maslinpan · 07/03/2022 18:56

Why do you place yourself so much higher than her? Do you realise that you are coming over as unbearably pleased with yourself, with your very meaningful life in comparison to your misguided friend?

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 18:57

@Tinacollada

And nb. OP - women are allowed to have sex

Personally, I adhere to sacred unions which are along the lines of white tantric practices where the male partner does not 'spill the seed'. I know that's probably for a different thread though!

OP posts:

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 19:00

@beastlyslumber

You need GPS on your spiritual path, if you think it's okay to treat people the way you treat your friend.

I treat her amazingly. We talk all the time, I cook for her endlessly when she is in the UK (even though she doesn't do the same for me - I'm fine with that). How I feel probably doesn't reflect how I treat her.

OP posts:

Tuiwow · 07/03/2022 19:01

Lol

BlueSpacer · 07/03/2022 19:02

Those words do not mean what you think they mean...

WouldIwasShookspeared · 07/03/2022 19:03

Has she asked for your opinion on this or for your advice?

Tuiwow · 07/03/2022 19:03

You need to invite her to your annual cleansing party where you can join hands and absolve her of all her hmm habits

AgathaAllAlong · 07/03/2022 19:06

I rarely post this sort of thing, but you actually sound awful. You feel the need to purify your house because her promiscuity is so disgusting to you? Definitely end the friendship, with friends like you, who needs enemies. All this talk of "triple figures" and:

her 'number' is now huge even though she is a well-spoken, cultured, demure sort.

What does this even mean? Sexist bullshit. You do realise that some "cultured and well-spoken" women like having sex with different men? Or what, did you think that "triple figures" is just for ill cultures scrubs?

Honestly. She likes dating and sleeping with men, you are repulsed by her. The problem is entirely with you.

If she were saying that she has problems engaging emotionally and asked you for help, that would be entirely different.

RockinHorseShit · 07/03/2022 19:06

I agree with the others that you do sound judgemental of your friend, but I get that you need to talk about it & it's difficult to express your concerns without sounding judgemental

I had a friend like this, she called it "charity shags" & some of them were gobsmacking 🥴 & she didn't enjoy it either & complained & laughed at them like hell afterwards, but over time I realised that she enjoyed the attention & adulation she felt it brought her. Like you I couldn't see it at all & worried about how little respect she seemed to have for herself. There was definitely a large element of that in her case. I didn't judge her though & just accepted that we were very different, but did worry about her at times. Like her shagging the very overweight brother of the guy she did have a thing for to get back at him for not treating her well 🥴

Will your friend treat you in the same emotionless way, I can't say, but with hindsight, my ex friend certainly did. At a time when I was I'll, had walked out of my 16 year career job due to sex discrimination & constructive dismissal, stabbed in the back badly by another old friend I'd done a lot for & more, that meant I was going through a very hard time mentally.

ExGF rang me in tears begging me to help her out at her self employed work. She'd taken on orders she wasn't skilled enough to do & non of her staff were. My area of expertise. I really didn't want to, didn't need the money as I'd just won a court case against my ex employer, it meant taking tiny DD to london & to let someone else I barely knew care for her, but friend was sobbing her heart out & I reluctantly agreed. I pretty much had to organise all of it & muck in to put it all together too.

2 things happen within the space of an hour that meant I saw her in a completely different light. A visit from her customer who came to talk to me about what I was building, made me realise that "Friend" had used my C.V. To get the job. I apparently worked under her at the company I had ran & she'd told customer that she was bringing me on board to do the order... so her tears & begging me were pure manipulation to get me there as planned. About half an hour later, "GF" took a phone call from what turned out to be a mutual friend. "GF" told phone friend I was their sorting things out on her order, followed by a cackle & "everyone works for me in the end"
In my head I was purely there to do her a big favour, I hadn't even discussed money as I'd have scared her to death with my usual rate. I'd have done it for free so long as wasn't out of pocket, which made that all the worse.

Next time she rang me for a favour which soon became her MO, I told her to fuck off

RockinHorseShit · 07/03/2022 19:09

There

Tinacollada · 07/03/2022 19:14

You lost me at sacred unions mate

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/03/2022 19:14

My short answer is: She sounds like she really doesn’t like herself very much.

My longer answer that would be for her rather than you: Is there a history of abuse? Sexual, emotional, any kind of abuse. ( I don’t want you to answer this by the way, if you did know it’s not for you to disclose).

Be a good friend and just be there when she needs you.

lemongreentea · 07/03/2022 19:16

lol

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 19:17

@RockinHorseShit

There

Rockin- that sounds awful, I’m sorry you went through that with a baby as well. It’s hard to tell whether she cares about me because she has now mainly lived abroad for almost a decade. However, I suspect she doesn’t care about my feelings but is interested in me because she sees me as different to the norm. It was probably always the case even at school. She was in awe of me for whatever reason and I was a 24/7 sounding board for all of her secret discussion topics like guys, drugs and raves. I don’t know how it worked as I was always teetotal and clean living but I was the daytime friend as opposed to her rowdier group of evening friends which whom she would explore everything which she would then report back to me in great detail. It was probably completely the wrong way to grow a healthy friendship as they were the main experience and I was merely a peer-parent type of figure.

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 07/03/2022 19:20

you sound cracked OP and obbsessed with your friend. its creepy. get help.

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 19:24

@TabithaTittlemouse

My short answer is: She sounds like she really doesn’t like herself very much.

Be a good friend and just be there when she needs you.

Thanks. Other than the one incident I mentioned upthread which was not taken seriously, I don’t believe there was. She had a dream childhood in a really gorgeous house in central London and did reasonably well in terms of education. Her parents were serious but kind, cultured and liberal and adored one another more than their children ( that’s what she felt). She never completely went off the rails. There were a few episodes when she used drugs for a time recreationally but she never turned into an addict ( the typical middle class kids weekend socialising).

OP posts:

BringMeTea · 07/03/2022 19:29

Has anyone told OP nonplussed does not mean what they think it means yet? Anyhoo, you mean friend. She is probably ND from your damning assessment.

Josette77 · 07/03/2022 19:30

Spill their seed? lol I can't get past this.

iklboo · 07/03/2022 19:35

You're off your cake.

Original poster

Soffit · 07/03/2022 19:40

@BringMeTea

Has anyone told OP nonplussed does not mean what they think it means yet? Anyhoo, you mean friend. She is probably ND from your damning assessment.

You are wrong actually. It has two meanings , one the traditional (which you are thinking of) and the other almost opposite. Look it up.

OP posts:

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