Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

"I have no partner or husband to spoil or support me: you are so privileged""

55 replies

Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 12:44

What would you think if someone said this to you repeatedly in several different ways at every meeting?

OP posts:
Strawberryjellyicecream · 07/03/2022 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FourTeaFallOut · 07/03/2022 12:47

I'd just nod along or change the subject. They sound deeply unhappy. They don't want to hear all the reasons they might be wrong and wouldn't listen to it anyway, if that's what you are thinking?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/03/2022 12:53

I have no husband or partner and I feel privileged that I don't! I roll my eyes at people who whinge about stuff like this.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 07/03/2022 12:55

I’d feel sorry for them that they were so unhappy

pitterpatterrain · 07/03/2022 12:56

@FourTeaFallOut

I'd just nod along or change the subject. They sound deeply unhappy. They don't want to hear all the reasons they might be wrong and wouldn't listen to it anyway, if that's what you are thinking?
Probably not far from the situation

My initial reaction was: gosh that’s a lot of assumptions being thrown out to try and establish a hierarchy

HollowTalk · 07/03/2022 12:57

I'd wonder why you kept on seeing the woman.

AppleKatie · 07/03/2022 12:58

I would also nod along. There is zero point arguing with someone who is in the mindset. It may or may not be true, doesn’t really matter either way though.

Original poster
Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 12:59

Let me give you some context. I have a friend, not a very close one but one whose company I enjoy and I would like to be closer to her. Let's call her X. We work in the same creative profession and I have a lot in common with her, similar interests, and so on.

She is single and in her late 40s, I am the same age but long term married with DC. We are both self employed and both don't earn very much money. My own DH is well paid but works long hours, and I do a lot of the unpaid work and childcare because I work fewer hours. This arrangement works fine for us. One of my DC has a chronic illness and I have spent quite a lot of time looking after her during the pandemic. I don't talk about any of this to anyone and my friend does not know.

Lately I have found that X appears to be very touchy, for want of a better word, about the fact that I have a husband who 'supports' me. For instance, she called me to suggest meeting for a coffee and suggested some very fancy coffee shops. I know she is on a tight budget so I said "It would be nice to see you; doesn't have to be at such and such fancy place". Her response: "I don't have a salaried partner who spoils me, so I like to treat myself." This isn't the first time she has said something like this. Once she suggested lunch. I said ok. I then suggested a day and she responded "I can't do that day. Some of us actually have to work to pay our bills." I found that quite unnecessary given she suggested lunch in the first place!

OP posts:
SophB15 · 07/03/2022 13:00

She’s not your friend.

Original poster
Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 13:02

Sorry that was so long. She says all this with a smile or a smile emoji, so I can't quite figure out if she is joking or not. The overwhelming feeling I get is that she thinks I am a lady of leisure, and she feels a bit envious?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 07/03/2022 13:02

Well, yeah, she clearly has a chip on her shoulder. I don't think you'll be able to shift her point of view, it seems deeply entrenched. You could tell her to wrack it in, but she won't change her view, but she might stop, would that be good enough? And if she carried on, would you ignore it for the sake of your friendship?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 07/03/2022 13:04

That is super pass agg of her.

I would call her on it directly. "You keep turning everything around to how I have a partner and you don't and it's weird. What's up with that?"

SalsaLove · 07/03/2022 13:06

She has a chip on her shoulder and she’s obviously thought a lot about your financial circumstances. I think that’s gross.

Babadook76 · 07/03/2022 13:06

I was going to suggest showing her some sympathy after reading your op, I thought she just sounded sad and unhappy. But going by your update I’ve changed my mind, she sounds completely stuck up and nasty. After those comments I’d be telling her that not only does she not have a partner, but she is actually a friend down. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her again

Howeverdoyouneedme · 07/03/2022 13:08

Jesus, what a joy sponge. How much do you want to be her friend?

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 07/03/2022 13:23

I know she is on a tight budget so I said "It would be nice to see you; doesn't have to be at such and such fancy place."

Maybe this kind of comment end up in the responce you get? She suggested the nice place because she wanted to. Your comment suggests you are looking down on her situation a bit.

Original poster
Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 13:26

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

I know she is on a tight budget so I said "It would be nice to see you; doesn't have to be at such and such fancy place."

Maybe this kind of comment end up in the responce you get? She suggested the nice place because she wanted to. Your comment suggests you are looking down on her situation a bit.

Thanks for all the comments. Yes, I was wondering if I said something wrong. TBH, I seem to have forgotten how to talk to people in the pandemic and maybe she has too? We both spend many hours on our own at home.

I wouldn't call her a joy sponge at all; she just seems very invested in the notion that married people have no problems. I have quite a few problems but I don't talk about them to other people. I have a sister whom I tell all that stuff to.

OP posts:
WetLookKnitwear · 07/03/2022 13:27

She is passive aggressive

She is also not your friend.

If someone was saying this to me I’d feel a bit embarrassed for them because it’s impolite to randomly take your issues out on other people.

TillyTopper · 07/03/2022 13:27

From your updates I wouldn't be meeting her for lunch or coffee, I'd keep it professional and leave it at that. She probably has a chip on her shoulder about something.

Suprima · 07/03/2022 13:28

I get this a lot. I earn a good wage myself but my OH does ‘spoil’ me with holidays and treats and surprises.

I just ignore. Some people get very cross about it but I’m happy so Confused

WetLookKnitwear · 07/03/2022 13:29

If someone says “oh we don’t have to go to the fancy place” I don’t leap to the conclusion that they think I can’t afford it either. What’s wrong with wanting to save a few pennies.

grapewines · 07/03/2022 13:30

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

I know she is on a tight budget so I said "It would be nice to see you; doesn't have to be at such and such fancy place."

Maybe this kind of comment end up in the responce you get? She suggested the nice place because she wanted to. Your comment suggests you are looking down on her situation a bit.

I actually agree with this.
Mumoblue · 07/03/2022 13:30

She does sound really rude, though as PP said, maybe you offended her by suggesting cheaper places.

Single parenthood can be pretty rough sometimes, but there’s no excuse to take it out on other people.

I’m assuming you’ve not been condescending to her about it (someone I know said they were “in the same boat” as me because… their husband works a lot. We are not in the same boat, ma’am).
And even if you had been indirectly insensitive it still wouldn’t excuse her rudeness.

tattychicken · 07/03/2022 13:31

"Salaried partner" is such a strange thing to say...

Original poster
Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 13:32

@WetLookKnitwear

If someone says “oh we don’t have to go to the fancy place” I don’t leap to the conclusion that they think I can’t afford it either. What’s wrong with wanting to save a few pennies.
Right? I am also trying to be careful with money because we have a lot of pandemic related expenses and who knows, DH could lose his job. What I meant but perhaps did not express well ( we communicate by WA and tone is often lost) is that I don't mind seeing her anywhere, even at Costa's:)
OP posts: