"I have no partner or husband to spoil or support me: you are so privileged""

[Motherofgorgons]

What would you think if someone said this to you repeatedly in several different ways at every meeting?

If she is making snide digs at you then she is not your friend.

I was going to say a bit different with your OP, because I thought you may have been bringing your problems up to her, knowing she's in a different space than you, but your following post suggests it's a dig at you.

You know your friend and if she's only joking and usually does things like that or if she's being passive aggressive and has an issue with you.

I'd jokingly say 'I feel like you keep making snide digs at me about my husband/children, etc, why? Is there something wrong or is there something you want to tell me?'

Put her on the spot that way but I know most people like that would just respond "oh I was only joking". But hopefully that should make her stop because she'd know you're now aware of it.

Hmmm. Everyone’s got friends who are richer/poorer than they are, inevitably requiring tact at times. From the richer person usually - time for a spot of overlooking any snark.

'Ok, let's leave it then'.

That's what I'd say. She's not your friend if she doesn't accept your circumstances for what they are. Your circumstances don't have to be the same for her to be non-judgemental.

Life's too short to deal with passive aggressive shite!

Obviously she's as misguided as you would be if you started making snide comments about all the leisure time she must have with only herself to please and no children to look after, ferry around etc and all the spare cash she must be rolling in without the expense of children...

As she's your friend not someone you're trying to score points off or engage in competitive misery sweepstakes with you don't make comments like that... So the fact she does suggests that the friendship has been soured for her by something - she must have gone down some kind of damaging metaphorical rabbit hole spiral inside her head during the more isolated periods of the last couple of years and become entrenched in the opinion that she's hard done by and married people/ couples are the privileged "others".

Ugh, my mother does this constantly. Whatever she's moaning about that day is always followed up with 'yes well you all seem to forget that I'm on my own and you're not, how selfish of you'

Yes mother, because you are a borderline intolerable over opinionated to the point of obnoxious woman who drinks far too much and even I as a daughter who loves you can only take small doses of. Despite the fact that you are mortgage free, financially comfortable, in half decent health you still find something to moan about.

In constrast, I have two young autistic children and struggle myself. But I am never allowed to even be slightly negative because I have a supportive DH (who also finds life stressful).

OP, bin this woman off. I'm stuck with my mother and her mithering, you're not stuck with this person.

In your first comments about the fancy coffee shop you imply your remarks were motivated by an awareness of her limited funds but have subsequently said you are trying to be careful about money also. Perhaps you could have said you were trying to tighten your belt or perhaps said nothing if the cost of that outing would not have been a problem for you. She suggested the meeting place and is capable of deciding what she can afford. I would let her worry about her own finances.

Having said that she does seem to have a chip on her shoulder. I think you need to have quite a direct conversation about it or let the friendship go. I would tell her you sometimes feel she resents your family set up or thinks it gives you an easy life which isn't true. There are advantages and disadvantages of any choices we make, most adults understand this so I wonder if the friendship is worth the bother.

Do you think that by never talking about the problems in your life you could be contributing to her sense that your life is easy and perfect? Maybe it might help if you did at least mention in passing a few of the challenges with worries about your partner's job or childcare?

Honestly?
I have up on one such person. I couldn't answer her, she seemed to resent my life while to me I could see she'd had an extremely privileged upbringing. And as an only child she had the unwavering support of her mother with whom she and her child lived whenever they wished to. I am one of many far from my home with no support beyond my DH.
I got fed up feeling her resentment.

I just don't have time for people like this in my life anymore. I've come across lots of them in the past and it just never leads to a fulfilling friendship. Have learnt to keep them at arms length.

I gave up..

My sister is like this. I've never achieved much in my life and have always struggled financially, while she is a professional and has always earned more than me. However I eventually married a man with a good job and we are now comfortably off. She always has a little dig about how tight he is with money and keeps me short when we're being careful because we're having a holiday of a lifetime this year. She seems upset that we're going away to Thailand back to where we spent our honeymoon and that it's a waste of money. (I daren't tell her we're also going to the Canaries and France this year too)

Agree with PPs that your comment about the price of the coffee shop could have contributed to the response you got, on that occasion.

If it’s truly repeated stuff, time after time, it’d make me not want to make friends with her, as she has obvious biases about people in relationships, on salaries etc.

It is a fairly common misconception though - my colleague divorced two years ago and constantly tells me how much more money married people have than single - but she was married but child free by choice and absolutely refuses to hear that three teenagers and housing to give them each their own bedroom means two incomes (for five adult sized people three of whom are under 18) doesn't actually stretch to more disposable income than one income and the nice one bed flat she used to share with her spouse and now pays for alone...

There are of course economics of scale as a couple but a two parent family doesn't have the same outgoings as one person living alone and double the income!

And her uninformed assumptions and unsolicited opinions about me/my situation would irritate too much.

@Mumoblue

She does sound really rude, though as PP said, maybe you offended her by suggesting cheaper places.

Single parenthood can be pretty rough sometimes, but there’s no excuse to take it out on other people.

I’m assuming you’ve not been condescending to her about it (someone I know said they were “in the same boat” as me because… their husband works a lot. We are not in the same boat, ma’am).
And even if you had been indirectly insensitive it still wouldn’t excuse her rudeness.

Just to clarify, she is not a parent. I have a lot of single childfree friends, because I attend professional events where I meet people of different types, and I enjoy their company. It's a nice change from talking endlessly about our children and partners.

If someone suggested a cheaper place I'd assume THEY were the ones on a budget and be happy to adapt. Only someone with a chip on their shoulder would take it as a dig on themselves.

Not a friend. She's just using you as a punching bag for her own woes. Real friends don't get passive aggressive and if she has such an issue with you having a support network she should find friends more like her - instead of guilting your.

Take some space and let her sort her own issues out. You have a lot going on in your own life, you deserve friends who lift you up, not tear you down.

As a one off in an otherwise good relationship I would have put it down to her having an off day, feeling alone etc, but you say it's more often than that.

I had my own lone parent pity party last week when I was unwell. I had plenty of offers of people to do shopping for me, but actually what I really wanted was someone to drop off a meal for my DS.
I managed, but it's at times like that when you can feel isolated and the odd snippy comment might escape. It didn't cos I'm not a twat and know all too well that just cos someone has a partner it doesn't mean all is well in their world.

It’s passive aggressive and highly unpleasant.

Sometimes I am a little envious of those who have a husband or partner - for example I fell down a step and couldn’t get up for a

Whoops meant to say I just needed a bit of help - but a friend could have helped me too. There is always a touch of grass is greener syndrome.

@Motherofgorgons

Well then I’m utterly bemused. I must have misread your explanation, sorry OP. She’s just a single lady complaining because you have a spouse and she doesn’t? That’s weird!

Tell her how you feel. She may not realise how her remarks are coming across. But if she won't have an honest discussion about it or won't desist, maybe you need to reconsider the friendship and whether it is worth maintaining.

Her response: "I don't have a salaried partner who spoils me, so I like to treat myself." This isn't the first time she has said something like this. Once she suggested lunch. I said ok. I then suggested a day and she responded "I can't do that day. Some of us actually have to work to pay our bills." I found that quite unnecessary given she suggested lunch in the first place!

These comments from her are rude and if she's texting or saying those to you, you'd have every right to reply
"I'm sure you don't realise how rude & unnecessary these comments are. We are both on limited budgets and I also have a disabled child to care for. I don't understand why you would text this to me rather than instead say you would prefer to go to a cheap cafe, which I would too"

I'm a single parent and I would never call my friends' privileged for being married or having a partner. It's irrelevant as there are more to feed and take care of and not all are in great wages or have higher outlays.

Oh shut up you moany cow. Is what I would think