If you have a child with autism, do you always handle the meltdowns with patience?

[LetMeBee]

After 13 years, I’m struggling with compassion fatigue. I don’t feel like a great parent right now. Other mothers appear to handle it much better than me.

How does everyone else manage? Are you always calm, understanding and patient?

Sorry op, as not responding as a parent of a child with autism so hope you don't mind me answering, but there's not a parent in the world who would always be able to be calm, understanding and patient! Please be kind to yourself.

I have one ds with autism and one with adhd and can say 100% that I do not always deal with them calmly, and sometimes have to walk out of the room in anger or tears xx

@MichelleScarn your post just set me off bawling.

In short no, I wasn't. I always wanted to be but it was incredibly hard.

DS1 is 24 now. He is mature enough to mostly handle his own meltdowns and we talk through a lot of situations too. I love him dearly, but I wouldn't want to relive his teenage years for anything (unless I could change things and give him a better outcome of course).

Do you get much help?

No. I can't always keep it together. I think it's because I'm walking on eggshells 24/7. There are times I just fall apart.

I could have written your opening post.

I honestly don’t think I’m up to the job. Behind closed doors her meltdowns are epic. There’s no escaping them. From the time I collect her from school on Friday, until I drop her at school on Monday morning we’re all walking on eggshells. She screams, shouts, throws things and intimidates her younger siblings. On Friday night she screamed at the top of her voice while banging the door on repeat. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG - you get the picture. She says really mean things and just won’t stop. It’s relentless. Sometimes I wish I could switch off from the ranting. When I try to get away, she follows me, hurling insults. I don’t feel like I can tell anyone either.

She’s lovely at school! She’s lovely for her grandparents. Yes, I know she’s masking, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I also know I’m her safe space, that also doesn’t make it any easier. It feels like I’m living with a bully.

This weekend has been particularly bad. I’m not always this negative - I promise!

No, I try hard every day. But I’m not perfect. When I fail, I apologise and we move on. I think it’s okay for them to see that I struggle with things too sometimes.

We tag team a lot when there is a meltdown because it can be such hard work. But we do the same with NT DS2…if it is me on my own I have had to walk away rather than lose the plot. It is actually easier now he’s diagnosed because I am clearer that it’s not bad behaviour but simply a meltdown.

Oh am sorry @LetMeBee, parenting is a hard, hard work! There is absolutely bloody amazing support on MN for everything and you can come on here and rant and share and you will not be judged. There's such guilt isn't there that you get.made to feel that you can't just say 'actually I'm having a shit time just now'!

This weekend I lost it. Ds11 had a full meltdown due to flipping world book day, tired, change in routine.

I asked him at 10pm Friday night, to start winding down for bed. Oh the meltdown. He has snapped his glasses, woke next doors baby. I lost it. And when the meltdown is really bad I struggle to not (internally) hold a grudge.

Nope sometimes I want to say OMG ENOUGH ALREADY FOR FUCKS SAKE

I mean 45 minutes screaming and carrying on throwing things around why? Still no fucking idea I ended up going upstairs taking his bigger brother upstairs insisted his (also asd and adhd) brother ignore the rage going on downstairs but FORTY FIVE MINUTES yesterday I was so done

@HelenaJustina

No, I try hard every day. But I’m not perfect. When I fail, I apologise and we move on. I think it’s okay for them to see that I struggle with things too sometimes.

I’m the same and I tell myself the same. Kids need to learn adults don’t always get things right and parenting is hard. I think as long as you apologise and you’re not being abusive and it’s not happening all the time then your DC will be ok.

I had beta-blockers from the GP once we'd identified that the anxiety and stress around dealing with challenging times was a problem. It helped me stay calmer when there was screaming.

Erm no!! I'm a single parent to my dd9 with ASD. It can be incredibly hard sometimes to keep my cool and patience.

Thank you all for your honest replies. The walking on eggshells describes it well. I know it’s not dd’s fault, but it is so very hard at times.

DH and I have no help at all, just each other but DH is also diagnosed as autistic and he’s clueless on how to handle DD.

Friday was challenging my birthday it sucked my cat was ill I needed to deal with that I had to get the youngest to school I had to get the eldest on his bus eldest was going on a school trip a treat ffs A TREAT! and the noise started.....what happens if I miss the coach? What if I just don't go? What if I just go to class I think I'm going to go to class I don't want to go im not going I don't want to go What I wanted to say was GO TO SCHOOL What I said was just catch the bus see how you feel when you get there BUT BUT BUT look you can't stay at home go to school either get on the coach or go to class either way you need to leave now

He barely made it

Don't compare yourself with other mothers, you only see snapshots of their life.

On the surface, I can usually remain quite calm throughout a meltdown from DS. I can help him to come down from it quicker that way. But I have always had quite a long fuse, it takes a lot for me to lose my temper.

But then I'll more often than not be found a few minutes later sobbing under the duvet, or in the car, just totally mentally exhausted from it all. It's so very, very hard sometimes, and none of us are perfect, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Also I'm on my own here I truly believe one day they are going to find my body and they won't call anyone because they can't cope with change so they will just sit and game until the food runs out

I have autism myself and one of my children is being assessed. Today I was in terrible sensory overload when he started to melt down. I put my hands over my ears, shouted and left the room for my husband to deal with him.
I'm not proud but we are only human

No. And it's not helped when I ring my mother just for a hand hold and she says I just need to be firmer with him - it's due to a lack of discipline and he just needs boundaries.

Brilliant.

I can often stay calm until the loud, high pitched and drawn out screaming starts; it’s like a physical response and it sets my nerves on edge immediately. When it’s early in the morning and she’s woken next doors baby or dog, because of the screaming .

I think it helps to think of it as; would you be annoyed or impatient if your asthmatic child was struggling to breathe or if your epileptic child had a seizure?

Nope

I told her to get her “f@*^ing act together” a few weeks ago. I apologized after and we talked about why I reacted the way I did. I didn’t absolve myself of responsibility, just explained why on that particular day I didn’t manage to handle things well. Like me, dd is extremely “high functioning” and intellectually advanced, for lack of a better way of describing things. Being able to have these conversations when we are calm really helps.

The reality is that I don’t always react to my own autism meltdowns calmly. I know that sounds strange, but I know when I am starting to melt down and need to deescalate. Most of the time I manage well. Sometimes, I just get angry at the situation and then there is not much of a chance.

Not always, no.
My two are in their early 20s and both have autism, as do I.

It can be challenging all round at times

No. And I’m a trained therapist. This weekend has been bleak and DD11 bit me on the chest when I moved her from the living room for her own safety. She’s also broken glasses and my tooth in recent months. It’s bleak. We’ve actually started being quite open with people about the challenges which helps a little but have four children and no real support (my mind died by suicide several years ago). I’m sorry it’s so tough.