Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you have a child with autism, do you always handle the meltdowns with patience?

84 replies

LetMeBee · 06/03/2022 18:18

After 13 years, I’m struggling with compassion fatigue. I don’t feel like a great parent right now. Other mothers appear to handle it much better than me.

How does everyone else manage? Are you always calm, understanding and patient?

OP posts:
DiscoBadgers · 06/03/2022 18:52

For meltdowns I do, yes, but only because meltdowns are a million times better than him gleefully attacking me. It’s been constant this weekend and I am SO DONE.

MangosteenSoda · 06/03/2022 18:52

@PinkyU

I think it helps to think of it as; would you be annoyed or impatient if your asthmatic child was struggling to breathe or if your epileptic child had a seizure?
It really, really doesn’t. And your comment is clueless and unhelpful and potentially damaging to parents with ASD children.
Theunamedcat · 06/03/2022 18:52

@LetMeBee

I can often stay calm until the loud, high pitched and drawn out screaming starts; it’s like a physical response and it sets my nerves on edge immediately. When it’s early in the morning and she’s woken next doors baby or dog, because of the screaming .
Oh gods that is the worst my 9 year old does this im finding it almost impossible to keep calm its like nails on a freaking chalkboard gets right up my back

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
D0lphine · 06/03/2022 18:52

I have an autistic sister. My parents couldnt keep their cool all of the time, no. Mostly they did.

Sister has grown up into a fabulous adult, a great sister and is achieving her goals. Give yourself a break OP!

NiceTwin · 06/03/2022 18:54

@PinkyU

I think it helps to think of it as; would you be annoyed or impatient if your asthmatic child was struggling to breathe or if your epileptic child had a seizure?
An autistic meltdown and a child having a serious medical episode are very, very different and in no way comparable.

My dsis has epilepsy, I never ever lose my temper if she is fitting, why would I?

When my dd has a meltdown, she can scream the most hurtful things at me. It is bloody relentless and I defy anybody to stay calm 100% of the time.

I didn't win any parenting awards last week when she made such a do and kept screaming to stop the car and let her out. So I did. The look on her face was priceless when I drove off.
I pulled up further along and had a bloody good cry.
It is so, so tough Sad

DiscoBadgers · 06/03/2022 18:56

@PinkyU how the hell is that helpful? A child having an asthma attack isn’t also trying to physically assault you or smash up your house. It’s not remotely the same.

VerbenaGirl · 06/03/2022 18:58

You’re right, it’s very hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing great and handling it well, other times certainly not. We also do a lot of tag team parenting, with the one of us feeling less frazzled taking the lead. And we try to talk to each other frankly about when we’ve not done well, and that helps. I also try really hard to remember the good moments and the DD she is in those moments and play those in my head when I’m struggling.

Tonsiltrouble · 06/03/2022 18:59

Categorically, no. I’d like to be able to handle it always, but it depends on how I’m feeling, what else is going on, how long he’s been melting down for, whether he’s stuck in a loop.

I find his constant need for physical contact and his constant talking at me overwhelming. I think sometimes I go into sensory overload myself. I’m not entirely convinced that I’m neurotypical.

lollipoprainbow · 06/03/2022 19:04

It helps to read about others in the same boat. My dd is one for being very very loud. Our upstairs neighbours moved out last week and they were quite tolerant about her. I'm dreading new people moving in upstairs and what they will think.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2022 19:05

Another one here saying that most parents lose it at times. You must be under tremendous pressure.

If it's any help, my adult son reminded me the other day about the Christmas Eve when he and his sister didn't sleep at all and at 5 o'clock in the morning I told them that when Father Christmas dropped off the presents I was going to set them on fire 😀 (the presents, not the children!)

PinkyU · 06/03/2022 19:06

The question was how do other parents of autistic child manage meltdowns, my answer is that I view my child’s meltdown as an acute neurological event that she cannot control which helps me remain calm and patient.

megletthesecond · 06/03/2022 19:08

pinky how do you manage it when you're injured and still being hurt and into hour two of a meltdown? I just can't do it on very little sleep and a day of work.

lateral · 06/03/2022 19:10

I think it would be helpful to clarify what everyone is referring to as a 'meltdown' because neither of my autistic children have ever been violent towards me, but people on this thread are giving the impression that violence towards a parent and meltdown are one and the same.

lollipoprainbow · 06/03/2022 19:12

@PinkyU wow good for you

lollipoprainbow · 06/03/2022 19:14

So the next time my dd is shouting, screaming, swearing and lashing out at me ill just pretend she's having an asthma attack 🤔

BeHappy91818 · 06/03/2022 19:15

Yes I keep my cool. Me shouting doesn’t make anything better

lollipoprainbow · 06/03/2022 19:15

I'm angry at the autism more than anything, my dd can be so lovely when she's not having a meltdown !!

BeHappy91818 · 06/03/2022 19:16

@PinkyU

The question was how do other parents of autistic child manage meltdowns, my answer is that I view my child’s meltdown as an acute neurological event that she cannot control which helps me remain calm and patient.
I view my sons the same way to be honest. It’s not his fault.
gogohm · 06/03/2022 19:20

No, I've shouted, slammed door, walked out ... nobody holds their cool all the time. My dd is an adult now and once she went through puberty (late - 15-16) things got easier but I have permanent scars from where she has hit and bitten me, sometimes you can't take it.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 06/03/2022 19:21

I have a 6yr old with asd (and a whole host of other diagnosed conditions) and no i dont handle every meltdown or refusual to do something with patience even though i try really hard. Its exhausting and im human sometimes i just dont have the energy to be the calm patient person he needs.

trevthecat · 06/03/2022 19:23

I agree that it is not my sons fault.

Completely agree but when it's 10pm on a Friday night and he is screaming bloody murder about it being time for bed, smashing his glasses (which will cost to be replaced, no chance of fixing) and then shouting how much he hates us all, all after a full week of work and uni, sometimes I lose it.

I am human and with very little professional support, it is bloody difficult to stay calm 100% of the time

DaisyTheUnicorn · 06/03/2022 19:24

No and I teach about Autism! It's really hard when it's overwhelming and screaming sets my triggers off.

I do think it helps to remember it is worse for the person experiencing it than for those around them.

And to plan to plan to work on triggers and the things we can do help in the calm times.

And yes apologise when we get it wrong. I dont thinkt he epileptic fit is that bad of an analogy (especially in terms of "blame" for the individual) however a meltdown can be so gruelling to deal with and its okay to acknowledge that. Lots of caring for people with disabilities can be tough.

OutlookStalking · 06/03/2022 19:25

Ah repeated so much of what went before x

ISpyCobraKai · 06/03/2022 19:25

Gosh no!

ReiltinDubh · 06/03/2022 19:29

Definitely not Flowers