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Original poster

Funeral when to attend

28 replies

1winterblues · 06/03/2022 10:31

Seems like a silly question but my best friend of 20 years mum has died. Only ever met the mum once at her wedding and she has 4 siblings and a big extended family.

Should I attend the funeral ? Don’t quite know what the etiquette is

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 06/03/2022 10:33

I would attend if you can. This may mean you have to stand in the back foyer if it’s a small crem.

LightsoftheNorth · 06/03/2022 10:36

Yes, it will be a comfort to your best friend. Even if she doesn't spend much time with you on the actual day, she will really appreciate that you were there.

Robloxia · 06/03/2022 10:39

If you're not sure, ask your friend if she would like you there perhaps? Will there be a church service followed by a service at the crematorium or graveside? Generally, most people will attend at the church while the second ceremony is usually just for close friends and family

ImInStealthMode · 06/03/2022 10:40

I would ask your friend if she'd like you to be there for her x

LadyLolaRuben · 06/03/2022 10:52

Yes go. I lost my dad and all my friends turned up to the funeral. I hardly knew any of the people there - he was very popular. Seeing my friends in the congregation was a huge comfort

MunchyMonsters · 06/03/2022 10:54

Yes, I would. Been to all my friends parent funerals.

BaffledMum22 · 06/03/2022 10:57

I would 100% go if I could unless for any reason she asked me not to. Even if you barely see her on the day, she’ll know you were there to show her support.

If roles were reversed would it bring you comfort to know she was there for you?

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2022 10:57

Why would you go to the funeral of a woman you've only met once?

If it's to support your friend, then you need to ask your friend if she wants you to go and support her.

She might prefer you didn't if she has enough support already, as she might feel as though she'll be too busy to speak to you much.

Ifailed · 06/03/2022 10:57

Funerals are for the living, ask your friend if she would like your support.

cptartapp · 06/03/2022 11:09

I've been to my friends' parents funerals and they came to mine.
More of a support for each other really.

DedalusBloom · 06/03/2022 11:11

I've been to my friends parents' funerals and they came to my fathers. It was a huge support to me at the time and I hope my presence brought comfort to them.

Funerals are indeed for the living.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 06/03/2022 11:42

@WorraLiberty

Why would you go to the funeral of a woman you've only met once?

If it's to support your friend, then you need to ask your friend if she wants you to go and support her.

She might prefer you didn't if she has enough support already, as she might feel as though she'll be too busy to speak to you much.

Why would you go to the funeral of a woman you've only met once?

Because funerals are for the living, not the dead.

Most of the funerals I've been to I have either never met the deceased or barely know them. That said, I'm in Ireland where it would be considered bad form not to go if you have a connection to any of the bereaved.

I know things are done differently in England (don't know about the rest of the UK) but I would still think for a friend of 20 years standing you should go.

HeadPain · 06/03/2022 11:48

The mother of your best friend of 20 years? Yes, go. Just had my dad's funeral. Please go. It means a lot.

FlippyFloppyFlappy · 06/03/2022 11:53

Some of my friends came to my dad's funeral a few years ago even though they barely knew him. I was touched by their gesture of support.

DoraSpenlow · 06/03/2022 12:17

I was so distraught that apart from my husband, my dad, my brother and sister-in-law I honestly couldn't tell you who was at my mum's funeral. I know a lot were there but apart from the above I have no idea.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2022 12:23

I know things are done differently in England (don't know about the rest of the UK) but I would still think for a friend of 20 years standing you should go.

But that was my whole point in the part of my post that you didn't quote.

It's not up to anyone here to think she should go, it's up to her friend whether she wants her to go and that's not something MN can answer for the OP.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 06/03/2022 12:35

@WorraLiberty

I know things are done differently in England (don't know about the rest of the UK) but I would still think for a friend of 20 years standing you should go.

But that was my whole point in the part of my post that you didn't quote.

It's not up to anyone here to think she should go, it's up to her friend whether she wants her to go and that's not something MN can answer for the OP.

I quoted your full post but just commented on part of it.

I think asking someone who has just been bereaved whether you should go to their mother's funeral to support her is tactless at best. It's making it all about you and could make the friend feel she is imposing if she asks for the support. She is on the middle of organising a funeral and dealing with her grief and doesn't need to deal with that.

The op could ask what the arrangements are for the funeral. The friend can then say it's just family and close friends of her mother/ it's a private funeral / the time and date. That way there is no pressure on the friend.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2022 12:38

The op could ask what the arrangements are for the funeral. The friend can then say it's just family and close friends of her mother/ it's a private funeral / the time and date. That way there is no pressure on the friend.

Yeah that sounds best.

SolasAnla · 06/03/2022 12:46

Op I would agree with OchonAgusOchonOh offer your friend your condolance on her loss and ask about the arrangements.

If you have ever organised a funeral let her know that she can ask you for advice.

And let her know you will visit and listen to her memories of her mum and/or if she needs to vent on how her extended family are acting like total plonkers you are there for her too.

AgentProvocateur · 06/03/2022 12:48

Yes, of course. Your best friend’s mum? Surprised you have to ask.

Deadringer · 06/03/2022 12:50

The mother of your best friend?Absolutely you should attend.

Shesmyperson · 06/03/2022 12:50

As pp says, ask what the arrangements are.

My best friend was my rock at my mums funeral. She mixed with family, steered my mad aunts away when it got to much and was a pillar of strength for me, dd and my dad. She met my parents twice before this.

I have a big family. But she is the family I choose. She means the world to me.

Your friend may not need you to be so involved. But just knowing you are there, will probably mean the world

JenniferBarkley · 06/03/2022 13:02

Wild horses wouldn't keep me from my best friend's mum's funeral. My dad died during one of the lockdowns and my closest friends took time off work to come stand on the road outside the funeral home in January as they weren't allowed in. It meant the world, I didn't even get to speak to them but just seeing their faces meant so much.

Crunchymum · 06/03/2022 13:08

Depends on your friend.

I didn't want anyone there at my mums funeral itself (it was during the rule of 15 mourners anyway) I'd have just found it an additional stress!!! I'd have loved a commemorative drink after - everyone welcome - but no wakes allowed back then.

Speak to your friend.

I know most of my close friends would want me to be there. But until they go through it, you just don't know how they feel or what they want.

Crunchymum · 06/03/2022 13:10

Some friends and extended family, came to see mum off but as there was no funeral or wake to invite them to I wasn't offended that people didn't come. I wouldn't have wanted people to travel or take time off of work just to see us of.