Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Asked if I'm pregnant. I'm not.

70 replies

yellowcat21 · 05/03/2022 06:51

I was out last night and an acquaintance asked me if I am pregnant...I'm not. Just that really. Ouch.

I'm a size 10 and not feeling particularly overweight right now (maybe I am deluding myself!) I have rubbish posture though and since having kids I do tend to carry any excess weight on my stomach.

I think he was just as embarrassed as I was and I know there are much bigger things going on in the world right now but I've woken up this morning and urgh it really stings Sad

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 05/03/2022 09:09

I think if you are relatively slim-ish ( 10 to 12) it shows up more. My menopot is so hard to get rid off that I am honestly contemplating putting on more weight so it is not so prominent.

Ticksallboxes · 05/03/2022 09:15

I've done this!! It was to a school mum who's second child was a very young toddler - we were chatting about rearing small children and I said "And you've got another on the way too!" to which she just shook her head very slowly.

It was very awkward...

2020nymph · 05/03/2022 09:18

[quote yellowcat21]@dropyoursword urgh what were they were thinking?!

And yes I think it was a genuine mistake. It has happened once before but that time I actually was about 4 weeks post partum. My youngest child is now 3![/quote]

My youngest is the same age and I was asked if I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. Confused

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Biscuitsneeded · 05/03/2022 09:22

@JanisMoplin that's tough, but on the plus side your face must make you look younger than you are!

JeffThePilot · 05/03/2022 09:22

Who are these people who just randomly rub women’s stomachs? I mean that’s astoundingly rude and inappropriate even if they were pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2022 09:26

@ThatsNotMyGolem

It's not the end of the world. I'm not sure why women get so wound up about this. It's not a crime to have a larger belly or be a bit overweight. Someone asked me when I was due, when I was about a year post partum. I just said "I'm not" and moved on. Why the drama?
If you were infertile because of the endometriosis that made you look pregnant, you’d find it pretty upsetting. Or if you’d just had a miscarriage.

There is absolutely no reason to ask someone if they’re pregnant. If they want you to know, they’ll tell you.

Original poster
yellowcat21 · 05/03/2022 09:32

@2020nymph I'm really sorry, it stings doesn't it.

@jeffthepilot totally, it's a pretty risky conversation strategy!

OP posts:
Biscuitsneeded · 05/03/2022 09:35

@JamieLeeT. But that's the point. You wouldn't comment on a man's large belly because you would know it was fat and not a baby. And people who comment on women's bodies because they mistakenly think they are pregnant mostly aren't commenting on their body per se, but on the implication that a new human may be on his or her way. It's still unwise unless you're absolutely sure, but unless there is an intention to shame I think we shouldn't take it to heart. I agree it must be hurtful if you are struggling with fertility/sensitive about body image or god forbid have recently lost a pregnancy, but unless the person who misspoke intended to upset, I think we have to be a bit resilient. At 49 my hair is mostly grey because I don't dye it. In recent weeks I have been asked if I am shopping for a grandchild, offered a seat on the train etc. I could equally be upset that people think I am older than I am. OR I could take the view that those people meant well, humans are basically nice, and ultimately it really doesn't matter if a stranger forms the wrong idea about me based on a superficial thing like my appearance.

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2022 09:36

unless the person who misspoke intended to upset, I think we have to be a bit resilient.

No, they need to be told that it is inappropriate to ask that question and not to do it again

Original poster
yellowcat21 · 05/03/2022 09:37

@biscuitsneeded ok then pollyanna Grin

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 05/03/2022 09:37

@Yellowsubhubabubbub

* I also had a dress I had to stop wearing as very polite and well meaning men would offer me their seats on the tube. Took me a few weeks to work out why Blush
See I would wear that dress on days I was tired and wanted a seat on tube on way home!
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/03/2022 09:38

Ouch. Maybe you were just standing with your stomach muscles relaxed. We all have a little pouch when we do that. I did this just the once. Thought my friend was pregnant and vowed never to say that to anyone ever again even if they look 9 months pregnant.

Original poster
yellowcat21 · 05/03/2022 09:40

Also...I carried on the conversation, didn't make him feel shit even though it was a really stupid thing for him to say. Got up as usual and am currently on the train to work. Is that not resilient enough for you?! I have to be so resilient that I'm not even allowed to feel the way I feel about it?!

OP posts:
JamieLeeT · 05/03/2022 09:44

"unless the person who misspoke intended to upset, I think we have to be a bit resilient.*"
*
No. Why do we need to be more resilient? Why can't the people who ask these types of questions just be more thoughtful, more polite, mind their own business?

JamieLeeT · 05/03/2022 09:46

To ask this question, in my eyes, is just selfish. It shows complete self absorption to not even contemplate the possible answers to your question, to just assume your correct, and to believe you have a right to comment on something so personal.

If someone wants you to know about their pregnancy, they'll tell you. If they wish to discuss their pregnancy, they bring it up.

NerrSnerr · 05/03/2022 09:50

I carry all my weight on my stomach and this had happened numerous times. Recently someone I had a meeting with at work asked if I should be carrying chairs around in my condition and offered to do it.

Even if you think it's obvious you should never mention it until the person mentions it first. Never ever.

JanisMoplin · 05/03/2022 09:53

@Biscuitsneeded I guess so! Am trying to look at it that way but do feel a bit bad because I watch my diet and exercise a fair bit.

MrsDThomas · 05/03/2022 10:01

Ive had this a few times. Size 10, bloated.

I dare not ask “how long?” Even if the woman is obviously pregnant incase I get it wrong! You just don’t know!

Biscuitsneeded · 05/03/2022 10:01

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. Clearly it does. And I agree with you @JamieLeeT that it would be better if everyone learnt not to ask or assume anything. But it's nuanced. I have stood in queues for women's loos before and invited an obviously pregnant women to go before me because her need is greater. That's female solidarity. Should I not do that in case she isn't pregnant and I offend? What about the man who offered to carry the chairs for his colleague who he believed to be pregnant? Should he not look out for his colleague's wellbeing for fear of making a mistake? I'm just saying it's not always clear-cut, and actually if we allow a misunderstanding that is born of good intentions to make us feel awful, then maybe we have work to do on our self esteem rather than our bodies.

Original poster
yellowcat21 · 05/03/2022 10:04

@biscuitsneeded in case it wasn't clear, I was not carrying chairs, waiting for the loo, or standing in a tube carriage.

OP posts:
collosalbrainbearer · 05/03/2022 10:09

@Yellowsubhubabubbub

* I also had a dress I had to stop wearing as very polite and well meaning men would offer me their seats on the tube. Took me a few weeks to work out why Blush
This happened to me on the tube once and I am skin-nee. Ate lots so looked bloated in a body con dress. Never be offended, just take your seat! Even if you're carrying a bit extra, there's nothing wrong with that.

People asking and touching is exceptionally rude, though. Touching is rude even if you're actually pregnant1 what are people thinking!

Biscuitsneeded · 05/03/2022 10:11

@yellowcat21 No and in your case it was not appropriate for a stranger to comment. I'm just pointing out that there are situations where it isn't possible to just be blind to possible pregnancy, for good reason. If you have a disability it's absolutely not OK for people to ask you what it is, how you acquired it etc. But surely something is wrong if people are to pretend they don't see it and in fact then not offer help you might welcome? I got something off a shelf in a supermarket for a woman in a wheelchair who couldn't reach it. I could see her looking up at it and it was clear she had no way to reach it. Should I not do that? I would offer to do something for a woman who was pregnant to save her discomfort. I wouldn't ask her for details of her pregnancy because that is not my business.

LimeSegment · 05/03/2022 10:23

How do people not know not to make a comment like this by now? I am the biggest foot in mouth person ever, I'm constantly embarrassing myself, yet even I know this.

I once had the reverse of this though. I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen for a while and I noticed she looked 6-7 months pregnant. Of course I didn't say anything. Two months later I receive a message from her announcing the birth of her dc - "we had been keeping it a secret". Not really! I acted surprised though.

seven201 · 05/03/2022 10:50

I think I've been asked about 5 times. It's humiliating. Years ago I was asked at the staff Xmas party and then they put some chocolates in my staff tray with a note saying it's wasn't their fault, all of her department had thought I was pregnant! Hmm.

LadyCassandra · 05/03/2022 11:00

Also...I carried on the conversation, didn't make him feel shit even though it was a really stupid thing for him to say.

See, my reaction, and it happens a lot because I always put weight on my tummy, is always to say “no I’m not pregnant, I just like chocolate” and make them feel as shitty as they have made me feel. I teach my kids there is no need to comment on what anyone looks like, so why do adults feel the need to?