Mum has no interest in my teenage children

[Suzi69]

Just wondered if anyone else has any experience or thoughts about this. My parents are in their 80’s. I’ve got three children and when they were little my parents used to have a lot of interest in them. We’d go for tea every other week and my kids would play in their garden. My parents seemed to take real joy in hearing how the children were changing on a weekly basis.
Now, however, my children are older; one is at university. I speak to my parents a couple of times a week and see them every other week and they never ask about my children. Never. If I mention University choices or driving lessons or tests at school they just move on in the conversation to talk about themselves.
I feel that a similar thing happened to me when I was a teenager (they lost interest), though not in quite such an extreme way.
Is this normal? I find it upsetting.

My parents were similar with my son. It was because he was busy being a teen and didn't visit that often and essentially the young adult he became was a stranger to them that they found difficult to engage with.

They still love your ds and would probably love to get to know him better as a young adult directly, not just detached information via another person.

My niece kept in close contact with my parents as she stayed closer so popped in several times a week and they knew her better so were more interested in what she was doing as they understood her better.

Have your children continued to visit them, and make an effort with them? They're old enough now to do this themselves rather than go through you surely. Perhaps your parents are feeling your children aren't interested in them. It's a two way street

From my experience this is just a typical thing that seems to happen as parents age generally.

My own parents have absolutely NO interest in my life, my husband's life or my brother's life. They've got grandchildren and great grandchildren but all they ever talk about is themselves and their lives.

I know all about each and every one of their neighbours and friends too - and neighbours and friend's children.

However, if you asked my Mum and Dad what I do for a job they couldn't tell you.

I think it's because they just live in an enclosed world when they are older - no work etc - and they just talk about what they know. They don't work so don't understand how we might be affected by work etc?

I feel your pain!

@alittlequinnie

From my experience this is just a typical thing that seems to happen as parents age generally.

My own parents have absolutely NO interest in my life, my husband's life or my brother's life. They've got grandchildren and great grandchildren but all they ever talk about is themselves and their lives.

I know all about each and every one of their neighbours and friends too - and neighbours and friend's children.

However, if you asked my Mum and Dad what I do for a job they couldn't tell you.

I think it's because they just live in an enclosed world when they are older - no work etc - and they just talk about what they know. They don't work so don't understand how we might be affected by work etc?

I feel your pain!

Yes I do think it’s because they live in an enclosed world; like they can’t relate to anything that’s not related to themselves. But I take plenty of interest in their lives; increasingly medical problems. It seems so one sided.

@jojojane

Have your children continued to visit them, and make an effort with them? They're old enough now to do this themselves rather than go through you surely. Perhaps your parents are feeling your children aren't interested in them. It's a two way street

Sadly my parents have refused to let anyone in their house since coronavirus. So my children have met them for lunch at cafes every so often but contact is limited because there’s only so many times they can do that.

Even at these lunch visits though I don’t feel that there’s enough genuine interest in what my children are doing. My parents prefer to talk about their garden or dog.

I think you're being a bit harsh. They are in their 80's, with medical issues. I think it's okay that everything is about them, for the little time they have left.

It's disappointing and I imagine also quite hurtful that your parents are like this but they are not the only ones.
I'm not sure if it helps to know that though!

My mother is hugely self centred and it's not an attractive quality. She also tries to top anything I tell her about my life with a story about any one of her friends and acquaintances children who are all achieving more than I am seemingly - better jobs, better houses, more kids etc etc. They also know much more about everything than I do. Therefore I don't bother to tell her much.

@Snog

It's disappointing and I imagine also quite hurtful that your parents are like this but they are not the only ones. I'm not sure if it helps to know that though!

My mother is hugely self centred and it's not an attractive quality. She also tries to top anything I tell her about my life with a story about any one of her friends and acquaintances children who are all achieving more than I am seemingly - better jobs, better houses, more kids etc etc. They also know much more about everything than I do. Therefore I don't bother to tell her much.

Yes I also get the topping; if I relate a story she replies with a story topping it which relates to herself or a friend or relative; almost like she can’t focus on the story that I’m saying by itself. I also get a story relating to someone else without topping. Eg if I say David ( DS) failed his driving test she will say oh yes Sarah (cousin) also failed first time a year ago. Oh well seems like a lot of people have have the same responses so maybe it is normal.

If your kids don’t call them very often you shouldn’t be expecting them to care no matter what their age is. They are their grandparents not their parents at the end of the day.

Unfortunately, I think your experience is rather typical. Upsetting though. I have a slightly different experience with my mother. She lost interest in me in my early teens. She thought that her child rearing days were done.

And to this day, she's not that interested about me. I've just recovered from quite a nasty bout of Covid (which she knew about). Not once did she ring.

She did call yesterday. She didn't want to speak to me, just briefly to my DD. When we do talk, all she ever really talks about are the ailments suffered by her friends.

I could go on. But I just wanted to say that it's not you. It's them. And nowt will change it.

YANU to feel hurt by this even if some other people experience a similar thing OP.

@Snog

YANU to feel hurt by this even if some other people experience a similar thing OP.

Thanks Snog. I feel upset every time I see them and speak to them because of their lack of interest. A few people are saying that my children need to present themselves more in order to be more important; I’ll take that on board and try to facilitate as much as possible. I do also notice that on times that I’ve met up with DC and my parents my parents have only really talked about themselves. Possibly I’m expecting too much of them and should be more accepting of the situation.

My DC's grandmas are 84 and 90. Neither have the energy to care about them much anymore. 90yo hasn't been able to see them since Oct '19 due to being in another country. When we made it over last year she was in a temporary care place and only DH was allowed to see her. 84yo was ill at new year 2020 and still recovering when Covid struck so very cautious until she was vaccinated, and now CBA with much company. She can't travel up to us (well we could fetch her for a stay but she won't leave the cats) and there's no welcome down to her and the DCs haven't seen her since Christmas '19.

The indifference hurts. They're both sharp of mind, but there's just no interest in hearing anything other than a polite response that the DCs are well and doing well in school before we're swiftly moved to far more riveting topics like the leaves on the lawn (MiL) or the stray cat and the hedgehog (DM).

Both have been widowed and on their own a long time. Another trait they share is that the favouritism and family rankings have shone through with age since 75+

I know it's an age and health thing but it's crap that grandparents get lauded as being such a wonderful relationship and that my DCs don't really have a relationship any more with either. To rub it in, there's a lot of younger, local actively involved grandparents locally doing things like school pick-ups.

At least I had my children younger so should hopefully have the energy to love and care about any grandchildren I may have.

I also think this is fairly common. My grandparents were the same; even when my mother was seriously ill with cancer, my grandfather (her dad) visited her in hospital and would only talk about his own (minor) ailments. He couldn’t relate to me or my brother as young adults either - our world and life experiences just seemed to be too far removed from his own, much more limited experiences.

Now that my own father is approaching his eighties I’m finding the same thing with him. He will politely ask how the dc are, but take very little actual interest. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even like them very much.

I think some people’s worlds shrink as they get older; they can become very inward looking. It is sad, but I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.

@jojojane

Have your children continued to visit them, and make an effort with them? They're old enough now to do this themselves rather than go through you surely. Perhaps your parents are feeling your children aren't interested in them. It's a two way street

I think this is it exactly. Covid hasn't been around that long. I have always made effort to see my nan but over covid I didn't really go to see her due to personal things. However I visited in December just gone more regularly like usual and our bond is still there as my nan knows I usually make lots of effort with her.

Of course not everyone will be close to Grandparents though..

My parents are getting like this. I've started to realise that a lot of the modern world and life is a bit confusing to them, and they don't keep up with everything the way younger people do, so me trying to explain something current just doesn't resonate with them and they prefer to talk about subjects they are familiar with and don't feel they need to learn to understand. I think it's a natural, if sad part of aging.

Though I have the opposite problem. My parents are desperate to spend time with my teens, who really don't want to spend time with any adult.

Same, @Nandocushion, my dad adores my DS and clearly gets fed up when DS just grunts communication and then pulls out his phone- I do try to encourage him to engage but it's hard generally

It is weird

My mum has literally zero interest in anything l say or do. Even me getting covid seemed to bore her. She just focuses on inane inconsequential things e.g. should her friend Sue get a new black or grey garage door

@NorthSouthcatlady I bet if you asked Sue though you would hear how much your DM bangs on about you all the time!

I older people do have a decline in mental function and I don't think many people on here are taking that into account. Your executive functioning really takes a nose dive as you age. I think if they were loving parents and grand parents then the facilitation falls more to the younger generations as the older one ages.

@ChristopherTracy she really doesn’t, as she doesn’t know what goes on in my life. She can’t even be bothered ringing me on my birthday. I suppose l should be thankful she didn’t send me things lm allergic to like she did last year, l have been very allergic to peanuts my entire life and cue peanut chocolate from her. Even me having IVF which l found super hard and draining was boring to her

I suppose it is about our expectations of our parents as they age. It is a difficult point when we still want support of whatever kind and they are starting to need that same support.

The teenager thing is totally understandable though isn't it - I cant bear to be around my teenagers sometimes and can only get through it cos I'm with them all the time and therefore know how to handle them, other people who see them much less frequently look at them like they're aliens - after all what's in it for them?

@ChristopherTracy

I suppose it is about our expectations of our parents as they age. It is a difficult point when we still want support of whatever kind and they are starting to need that same support.

The teenager thing is totally understandable though isn't it - I cant bear to be around my teenagers sometimes and can only get through it cos I'm with them all the time and therefore know how to handle them, other people who see them much less frequently look at them like they're aliens - after all what's in it for them?

I disagree ChristopherTracy. I would think there’s a natural desire to be interested in and want the best for your bloodline. I definitely have a very strong instinct to look after my children and that extends to knowing them very well; talking about what they think on a daily basis and trying to facilitate their future dreams regarding further education and jobs. I find teenagers fascinating because they’re at such a critical juncture of their lives; they’ve become more interesting. I’m projecting ahead but I’m sure I’d be interested in my grandchildren if I’m lucky enough to have them; perhaps not on a day to day level because I’m unlikely to be living near them, but definitely on a broader level of what’s going on in their lives.

I think it's your parents age rather than your kids' ages. This happens to lots of people when they get older. You'll probably be bored shitless of other people when you're 80!

It also depends on the ages of the grandparents. Me and my friends are all 70 and take a full and active part in grandchildren's lives, babysitting, taking them out etc. And we're all fit and the dgc are all children - mine are 9 and 5, friends' are 6 and 18 months. It might be very different if we were in our 80s, slower, maybe in pain, and the dgc were adult.