Mum has no interest in my teenage children

[Suzi69]

Just wondered if anyone else has any experience or thoughts about this. My parents are in their 80’s. I’ve got three children and when they were little my parents used to have a lot of interest in them. We’d go for tea every other week and my kids would play in their garden. My parents seemed to take real joy in hearing how the children were changing on a weekly basis.
Now, however, my children are older; one is at university. I speak to my parents a couple of times a week and see them every other week and they never ask about my children. Never. If I mention University choices or driving lessons or tests at school they just move on in the conversation to talk about themselves.
I feel that a similar thing happened to me when I was a teenager (they lost interest), though not in quite such an extreme way.
Is this normal? I find it upsetting.

@Suzi69 I think that's fine when you are in a household that all lives together or lives in very close proximity and you're in and out of each others lives.

I think it is very different if we don't live near our parents and see them less frequently - they learn to be away from us and develop coping strategies for that. They won't want to come back to a place of being over involved in their kids or grandparents lives. For one thats a very stressful way to be - to be worried and involved without having any say or influence.

I think people expect their elderly parents to be super interested in their children and yet somehow not interfere or make any misteps and that's just not realistic.

Plus 'bloodline'?

For some older people this can be the result of cognitive decline.

Yes I agree with people talking about cognitive decline. I also think that technological changes have meant that potentially the gap between teenagers and grandparents could be bigger than at any other time. My parents don’t have smart phones and don’t understand how indispensable they’ve become to my children and in fact my generation.

Do your teenagers regularly ask you what their grandparents are up to? When you tell them about their grandparents new mobility scooter or whatever, do your teenagers quickly lose interest and turn the conversation to themselves? Eighty year olds and teenagers don't have too much in common generally, especially if they don't see each other that often. It happens, doesn't mean they love each other any less!

I agree it’s ageing and feeling a bit disconnected from anything apart from their own world eg putting the bins out. I found my parents started acting like that in their late 70s/early 80s. My father became so tired he used to say, I’ve had enough now (of life.)

@darkred

Do your teenagers regularly ask you what their grandparents are up to? When you tell them about their grandparents new mobility scooter or whatever, do your teenagers quickly lose interest and turn the conversation to themselves? Eighty year olds and teenagers don't have too much in common generally, especially if they don't see each other that often. It happens, doesn't mean they love each other any less!

Good point, no they don’t often ask about them, and comforting to think that they still love each other.

[quote ChristopherTracy]@Suzi69 I think that's fine when you are in a household that all lives together or lives in very close proximity and you're in and out of each others lives.

I think it is very different if we don't live near our parents and see them less frequently - they learn to be away from us and develop coping strategies for that. They won't want to come back to a place of being over involved in their kids or grandparents lives. For one thats a very stressful way to be - to be worried and involved without having any say or influence.

I think people expect their elderly parents to be super interested in their children and yet somehow not interfere or make any misteps and that's just not realistic.

Plus 'bloodline'?[/quote]
Bloodline; my children are their descendants; the children wouldn’t exist without them.
I can see that as we don’t live round the corner my parents conduct their lives largely without us; that’s normal.
But I ring them a lot; they want me to and I feel happier doing that to check they’re ok. During those calls I still think they should show some interest. The best friends I have are ones who respond to what’s happening in my life, with relevant questions; I do the same. Friends who don’t that become more distant friends and sometimes the friendship drifts. If they were friends they’d have been set adrift long ago.

My MIL was a wonderful GM and adored her DGDs, who she only got to see every couple of months at best, due to distance. It broke my heart when I organised a family get together while MIL came to stay, and my niece and nephew (late teens) sat in the middle of the room on their phones the entire time, and barely gave her a few seconds of attention, no matter how kindly and warmly she tried to engage.

I suspect that in the end, your average GP just gives up when their GCs show quite clearly that they either don't want to be there, or have no interest in engaging with their GPs.

It’s so hard isn’t it…. My mum shows zero interest in me - quite literally never asks how I am. All communications revolve around her life…. And she never asks about my children either. Never. And yet when I was pregnant a few years ago she was besotted and wanted to be my birthing partner etc as soon as babies weren’t ‘newborn’ anymore she lost interest. Covid has meant an even more disconnected life for her- and a great excuse not to spend hardly any time with us. In two years we’ve seen her twice- both times outside on a walk where she talked about herself for 45 mins and then we parted- followed by s drive of several hours for us. Both occasions I had organised. She never asks to see us. Take some pp point about brains aging etc being an influence- but she’s only 70! I hope feeling not alone brings you some comfort @Suzi69

Gosh I don't think it's unusual to want a bit of interest in the older grandchildren even if they don't see them 1-1 a lot. My DD's don't get to see their Gran my MIL that much maybe 4/5 weekends a year but she's always interested and asking about them on the phone.
My grandparents were interested in me until they died when I was late teens and I honestly felt that interest and love like a beacon and I wasn't constantly popping in on them either as I was away at Uni.
I think it's just who they are and perhaps yes age related. I don't think you can do anything to change it, perhaps Covid hasn't helped and their fear of meeting up at home.
Will they come for regular Sunday lunches maybe as things ease up?
We're they very close when the children were little?

@NorthSouthcatlady

It is weird

My mum has literally zero interest in anything l say or do. Even me getting covid seemed to bore her. She just focuses on inane inconsequential things e.g. should her friend Sue get a new black or grey garage door

Yep! That's my experience too.

I think my Mum lost interest in me in my late teens.

The only time she rings me now is to ask for help or tell me about a new ailment. She seems to know everything about her friend's children but not an awful lot about me these days.

I've stopped making much of an effort. It hasn't made much difference.

Have you ever heard of 'detachment theory'? It's a thing.

Yes I've experienced the same thing. I thought it was the natural way of things until I met and married my DH. His family are so warm and close with each other, despite being all over the world. All my grandparents lost interest in me and my brother when we became teenagers, DH's grandfather took a long haul flight at age 101 to visit him here in the UK and FaceTimes us every week. He made the effort with technology because he cares. A stark difference to my 80 year old grandmother who can't call because she doesn't "understand mobiles".

Sorry OP it's a horrible feeling.

The importance of making the effort goes both ways. I am close to my grandmother because that relationship is important to me and I keep in touch and go see her at least once a month. During covid we kept in touch over the phone. She's in her 90s, and her world is smaller than it used to be but she loves me, and I know and feel it. We talk about her life more than mine, but I enjoy hearing her stories - just as I did as a child. I never stay too long, but my phone is out of sight for the time I'm there.

Every time I leave she tells me how much she enjoys the visits and thanks me for coming. The feeling is mutual. I will be distraught when she is no longer here.

@ilovebagpuss

Gosh I don't think it's unusual to want a bit of interest in the older grandchildren even if they don't see them 1-1 a lot. My DD's don't get to see their Gran my MIL that much maybe 4/5 weekends a year but she's always interested and asking about them on the phone. My grandparents were interested in me until they died when I was late teens and I honestly felt that interest and love like a beacon and I wasn't constantly popping in on them either as I was away at Uni. I think it's just who they are and perhaps yes age related. I don't think you can do anything to change it, perhaps Covid hasn't helped and their fear of meeting up at home. Will they come for regular Sunday lunches maybe as things ease up? We're they very close when the children were little?

Thanks; I think it’s quite normal to have expected some interest. I’ve given this a lot of thought with the help of this thread and think they’re not going to change; I’ll just resolve not to do the same if I ever have grandchildren! No I don’t think they’ll come up for lunches. It would be too much effort for them. I’ll go there with my children to meet at outdoor cafes but I know from past experience that they won’t really ask my children many questions about what they’re up to. Yes they were close when they were little. The lack of interest has come in their teenage years. I like your description of love and interest as like a beacon. That’s how it should be; knowing that someone is thinking about you, is on your side almost… physical distance shouldn't really prevent that.

My DM was never interested in me. She would have a fleeting interest in my DS if it was something she could brag about. She was very interested in others though and herself.

My DF was actively engaged and interested.