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Original poster

How do I get out of this situation

30 replies

Changeee15467 · 26/02/2022 22:36

We have three young DCs. See SIL and her teenage kids relatively frequently. We’ve somehow ended up paying every time for dinner / takeaways (for context we are not by any means rich, but neither are they) and now it’s the default that we pay for everyone (inc DCs) every time. Before you tell me off I realise I’m probably at fault here for continuing to do it. I like offering to pay (initially) but with my friends they do it too and it all somehow ends up fair. Sometimes she will put up a weak resistance but it’s not really genuine. I feel so awkward but it costs a bloody fortune but we still want to see them and I can’t fathom how I would be like - erm can you pay? Even my DH is now irritated by it. For more context they do get themselves takeaways without us. I don’t think she’s a CF though. More just assumed we can afford it and don’t mind? Again fully acknowledge my own error here but I would add that I stopped actively being like “we’ll get this” sometime ago which I was hoping would cause her to offer. At least for themselves. How would you deal with this?

OP posts:

marlowe5 · 26/02/2022 22:40

You need to just state the case clearly without any politeness or making a big deal of it - be direct. 'Right we'll need to go halves if we are getting food.' Or 'we'll order ours and you do yours...it's too much to do everyone isn't it...' and sail through. Just change the dynamic, promptly and directly. It's not ok and they are disrespecting you by continuing to accept this unless they genuinely think you are very affluent and/or you have made out that you are.

Tyrionsbitch · 26/02/2022 22:44

Just work out how much it is per family and say, "right that is £25 (or whatever) each" when it is time to pay. No need for a discussion about who is paying, just act like you are assuming each family will pay their way. They are unlikely to say "oh. I thought you would pay" unless they are serious CF!

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2022 22:46

Why does seeing them have to mean takeaway?
Tell them it’s costing too much and you’ll have to take it in turns?

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HeyArnoldHey · 26/02/2022 23:28

I would prep it before hand perhaps to it's settled prior to awkward bill moment. Maybe a phone call and just say 'fancy catching up on x date and grabbing a takeaway? Budgeting abit at the moment so need to split the cost of this per family'

Simple as

If they pull out you'll know they really are CF or not .

Pantsomime · 26/02/2022 23:30

Tell her in advance that she needs to pay for her family meal and you pay for yours

Original poster

Changeee15467 · 26/02/2022 23:42

@HeyArnoldHey

Simple as

If they pull out you'll know they really are CF or not .

That’s a good idea… we do have to be on a budget at moment so have a legit change of circumstances

OP posts:

Oinkypig · 26/02/2022 23:49

Don’t make an excuse that you are budgeting at the moment as that implies things could revert to you paying at some point or it was acceptable that you did pay for it all.

I’d go with a PP suggestion just say it’s x amount for each at the bill stage. Or possibly faux “I’m sure you must be mortified I’ve realised we paid for the last 10!meals out, I’m so sorry if you felt I was too insistent so best now we just pay for each family to make sure it doesn’t happen again”

I just think you need to make it clear it’s not a change in circumstances that makes you unable to pay.

Good luck!

Original poster

Changeee15467 · 26/02/2022 23:53

@Oinkypig didn’t think of that. I suppose I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and be more blunt

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/02/2022 23:58

Don't excuse or explain
Just make it clear what the cost is for each person.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/02/2022 00:02

See her at home for a cuppa rather than meals out?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 00:05

I don’t think she’s a CF though.

Of course she is! Do you think she's stupid? Tell her no more going out until she pays her fair share because you are not running a fucking charity. Stop being a mug and start being blunt.

Barrawarra · 27/02/2022 00:07

I think at this stage it’s best just to be upfront and say we seem to have gotten into this thing of we always pay, we can’t really afford it, can we go halfers or take turn about?

Nat94 · 27/02/2022 00:21

Find it bizzare how people get themselves in these situations because they are to shy to say anything. I get as a one off you might find yourself in a situation where you end up paying more than the other person… but on a regular basis? Next time just ask for half the money or just keep letting her walk all over you. Its up to you really lol

perimenofertility · 27/02/2022 00:24

“Sometimes she will put up a weak resistance but it’s not really genuine.”
I wonder how true this is. Does she really put up a weak non-genuine resistance? Or does she actually offer and you turn down the offer because as you’ve said, you like to offer. I have a relative who insists of paying, regardless of who offers to chip in, I find it annoying. Next time you are meeting offer to cook at home and ask them to bring the dessert/drinks.

Hope90x · 27/02/2022 00:26

If you struggle with being blunt OP, another idea would be to phone ahead and say "because of (recent financial change prompting budgeting) I think I'm just gonna cook this weekend to save money. Are you guys ok with lasagna/oven pizza" etc.

I would imagine anyone with a shred of common decency would then say oh no, don't be ridiculous, you always pay, we'll get this one. Hopefully that will open the conversation re taking turns from now on?
Although I do have a habit of expecting from others what I would do myself 😅

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/02/2022 00:43

I think you just say before they come next time that it's her turn to pay for the takeaway, you're not made of money even if she thinks you are.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/02/2022 00:54

Is this a case of single parent younger sister being treated by her brother?
Family dynamics, if it's your husband's sister he needs to say something

KaptainKaveman · 27/02/2022 00:56

[quote Changeee15467]@Oinkypig didn’t think of that. I suppose I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and be more blunt[/quote]
Amazing eh?
Just grow a pair ffs.

ukborn · 27/02/2022 01:10

Why doesn't your husband (assuming this is his sister) say something? And don't offer to pay, next time you get together he just says 'your share is X'.

Original poster

Changeee15467 · 27/02/2022 05:07

@Hope90x

Thank you great advice!

OP posts:

NameGoesHere · 27/02/2022 07:25

Of course she is a CF! Don’t be a doormat.

catfunk · 27/02/2022 07:32

Why on earth are you offering to pay for it all then getting irritated when they accept ?

Jeanluc · 27/02/2022 07:36

If it's your partners sister why can't he pipe up?

PerditaPerdita · 27/02/2022 07:42

I got into a situation like this. It was awkward to change it but I did it.

When the food situation arises, just say we are on a bit of a budget now and can't afford a takeaway, so what do you reckon? Shall we take turns to cook/get oven pizzas? Or maybe take turns to pay for takeaways?

Whatever you do, don't pay for them again.

magicstar1 · 27/02/2022 07:49

Just don’t mention food next time. When she brings up ordering a takeaway, say “oh that’s lovely of you….we’re smashed so weren’t going to order. Thanks a million”. See what she says then.

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