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Original poster

Changing my surname

65 replies

Hopetobeamumof4 · 26/02/2022 21:07

Hi girls,

This sounds a bit odd I think but I wondered what the general opinion is? I’m still married and have my exes surname still. We have been split for a good while and am about to start a divorce. I’m with a new partner and we are having a baby in July and getting married in summer 2023. I want to have my partners surname when my baby is born. Is it weird if I change my name to his surname is that when the baby is born we will both have the same surnames on the birth certificate? We’d be getting married next summer anyway so my name would be changing then anyway. Is this weird? 😂 x

OP posts:
mmarket · 26/02/2022 23:00

@Hopetobeamumof4

We’ve put a deposit down on the wedding so I have no reason to think it won’t go ahead. I totally understand the point about my other children being hurt about me wanting to change my name now. But I’d be changing it when we got married anyway so I didn’t think it mattered/ I guess I’d like to have the same surname as one of my children and going forward that would be the surname of my baby x
But you'd have the same name as 3 children, then get married and have the same name as the other one then? I think it's weird that you're so desperate to have the same name as the new baby instantly, and haven't given any thought to how that might look to your existing 3. I'm certain you mean no harm but it just feels a little careless
Krakenchorus · 26/02/2022 23:24

That's a slap in the face to your existing children.

Change your surname back to your birth name and keep it for good. This seems the only sensible choice. You know that this marriage may not last, either, and you'll be changing again. (But I hope it does last!!)

All dc take the surname of their father. That way you have not 'favoured' any of the children.

Personally, I would give the new baby my birth surname and let my other dc know they are welcome to my name should they want to change when they are of age.

Strokethefurrywall · 26/02/2022 23:37

What @Krakenchorus said. I’d revert to maiden name and give any additional children my name and my name only, especially if I weren’t married.

And even then I wouldn’t change my name or my child’s.

Revert to maiden name and then let your existing kids know they can change to that or double barrel if they want to.
Or have them double barrel with maiden name-ex’s name and new baby gets maiden name/new partner name.

Either way, they all have a named connection to you. Having seen plenty of women give their babies the fathers name despite not being married, and then splitting up, it’s a shitshow of a decision.

strawberriesandraspberries · 27/02/2022 01:19

When I was younger my mum took her new husbands name and it kind of felt like she had joined his family and me and my sister hadn't, if that makes sense?
Whatever you decide I would move quickly, when my 2 were born they were identified in hospital by 'baby, my surname' yours would be known by your ex husbands name. It may be different now? Or you may not mind that?

Confusedteacher · 27/02/2022 01:29

The thing is, your new baby won’t care less about your surname, but your existing children might.

I would change back to your maiden name for now and make it clear to your 3 DC that they can do that too, or double barrel if they want. My now DH’s children did that when their parents got divorced. Then give the new baby a double barrelled your surname- his surname. Then when you get married you can do the same thing.

When I got married I double barrelled to maiden name- DH name, and I did talk to my DC first about how they felt about me changing my name. But they genuinely weren’t bothered, and pointed out we hadn’t had the same surname for several years anyway, since I had gone back to my maiden name. It is pretty common these days for DC to have different names to their parents.

MissTrip82 · 27/02/2022 02:25

Don’t start out as if this is the new shiny perfect family and the old one is discarded.

Your children have had a lot of change and their parents aren’t even divorced yet.

ChiefInspectorParker · 27/02/2022 02:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HootOwl · 27/02/2022 02:40

If you are still married you'd need your husband's permission to change your surname (archaic, I know).

Get your divorce done. Change your surname back to your maiden name and name your child your surname or a double-barrelled name with your new partner. Otherwise you'll just be making the same mistake twice. Surely it's fine for the child's birth certificate to have your surname on and his and theirs to be a combination of both?

HootOwl · 27/02/2022 02:43

And for the previous children, ask your STBXH to double-barrell their surnames too. That way all kids share their names with you and their fathers. It means nobody will feel excluded or put upon.

HootOwl · 27/02/2022 02:44

I mean that your children will have your name and their father's name, and any new children with your new partner will have your name and his name.

BessAndCress · 27/02/2022 07:58

@HootOwl

If you are still married you'd need your husband's permission to change your surname (archaic, I know).

Get your divorce done. Change your surname back to your maiden name and name your child your surname or a double-barrelled name with your new partner. Otherwise you'll just be making the same mistake twice. Surely it's fine for the child's birth certificate to have your surname on and his and theirs to be a combination of both?

It's not true that you need your husband's permission to change your surname. Anyone in the UK can change their own name to anything, regardless of whether they are married.

www.deedpoll.org.uk/a-womans-rights-upon-separation/

You might be thinking of the fact that a parent can't change their child's surname without the permission of the other parent? Divorce doesn't change that, as long as he retains parental responsibility. I don't think the OP is considering changing her older children's names anyway.

dfendyr · 27/02/2022 08:18

@HootOwl

If you are still married you'd need your husband's permission to change your surname (archaic, I know).

Get your divorce done. Change your surname back to your maiden name and name your child your surname or a double-barrelled name with your new partner. Otherwise you'll just be making the same mistake twice. Surely it's fine for the child's birth certificate to have your surname on and his and theirs to be a combination of both?

Ifyou are still married you'd need your husband's permission to change your surname (archaic, I know)

Er no, that's total and utter bollocks

Qwill · 27/02/2022 08:36

Why do you always have to be the one changing your name? It doesn’t matter if he has an established career (so do many women), he can always use his original name for work purposes. You are saying that having the same name as your baby is so important to you, what your other children are hearing is that they are no longer important to you (you don’t care if you have the same name as them). This is probably not how you think, but it’s what your actions are saying. Why don’t you revert back to your maiden name and have the baby either take your husbands name (that way all children have their own father’s name), or double barrel or have the baby take your name.

flashpaper · 27/02/2022 08:40

Hang on, you've paid the deposit on a summer wedding next year and you haven't even started divorce proceedings against your current husband?! It took me over a year to get a divorce, plus an extra few months to get the clean break order, and that was a simple, uncontested, no finances involved divorce. You need to hurry up with your divorce before you start legal proceedings for anything else.

flashpaper · 27/02/2022 08:45

You'll obviously need a copy of your decree absolute a month before your wedding date as you need it to give notice

Original poster
Hopetobeamumof4 · 27/02/2022 10:09

I now feel like I need to be justifying myself. I have been split from my ex for 2 years, kids were aware before this that we had split and have come to terms with the change. The ex wants a divorce as well so won’t hold things up. Neither of
Us have so far bothered to get around to it. My new partner wanted another baby and so did I but I’m 40 so time is not a luxury for me to wait for ages. Of course I have considered my childrens feelings in all this. I have already gone back to my maiden name on social media so they already know that much. I talked to them about it and they don’t think it’s a big deal. Thanks for all the comments

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 27/02/2022 10:22

Op I have got myself into a mess with names, different names on different things and wish I hadn't. Knee jerk decisions without thinking stuff through.

I'd have a think what is most important to you, 4 kids & you having the same name as all of them, would they want to change to your maiden name? Or having your new married name?

Sfumato · 27/02/2022 10:26

This thread is a rationale, if any were needed, for women keeping their birth names when they marry, and giving that birth name to their children, rather than changing their name depending on who they’re married to.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 27/02/2022 10:30

Change your name to your birth name.

Give ALL your children hyphenated surnames with your name and their father’s names. That way you and all your kids have a common link.

Though you need the fathers permission to hyphenate to include your surname. And your older kids may be if an age to not want to.

OR change your name to your birth name and suggest your DHTB changed his surname to that?

Personally I do not think it is a given that women always change their names to that of which ever man they are with and not a great message to get your kids to ‘understand’.

People will say ‘it’s just a name’ but it has currency. Otherwise you wouldn’t change, men wouldn’t be so resistant etc etc.

oatlattetogo · 27/02/2022 10:33

I think it will be easier to explain to your children if you keep your current last name until you and your partner get married. Lots of women change their names when they get married so they may well be expecting that to happen. It’s easier to say “Well now Harry and I have got married I’m going to be Mrs Smith” than it is to try and explain wanting the same last name as the baby straight away.

If it’s any reassurance, my parents split when I was about 10 and my mum got a new partner fairly soon after. They didn’t get married but if they had have done it really wouldn’t have bothered me at all if she’d changed her name to his! She changed her name to my dad’s name when she married him so it would have been logical for her to do the same if she got married again.

flashpaper · 27/02/2022 11:00

@Hopetobeamumof4

I now feel like I need to be justifying myself. I have been split from my ex for 2 years, kids were aware before this that we had split and have come to terms with the change. The ex wants a divorce as well so won’t hold things up. Neither of Us have so far bothered to get around to it. My new partner wanted another baby and so did I but I’m 40 so time is not a luxury for me to wait for ages. Of course I have considered my childrens feelings in all this. I have already gone back to my maiden name on social media so they already know that much. I talked to them about it and they don’t think it’s a big deal. Thanks for all the comments
I'm not judging, OP. My exH and I were separated for more than 3x as long as you have been before we divorced. I'm just saying I think your divorce should be a priority right now, rather than changing your name, especially since you've already paid a deposit on a wedding for next year. You may be underestimating how long a divorce can take, especially post covid where courts have massive backlogs to get through.
Original poster
Hopetobeamumof4 · 27/02/2022 12:11

Thank you @flashpaper I think you’re right about the divorce. The deposit is down but the date can be moved. So it should be ok. I think I had checked out of my marriage for so long that I’m fully ready to move on now and have been for ages so I was excited to book a wedding x

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/02/2022 12:34

@Hopetobeamumof4

So I currently have the same surname as my three children but they know that I want to revert back to my maiden name as I’m not with their dad anymore. My new partner lives with me and our baby is due in July and ideally I would like to have the same surname as my new baby and my new partner. So all three of us woukd have the same surname. I’d take his name when we get married next year anyway. My other three children understand this. So I wondered if I was weird to change my name by deedpoll now before baby comes so I can have the same surname as them. I want them to have my partners surname and not my maiden name x
I think this is extremely unfair to the three children you already have.

If you want to share a surname with your partner and baby, why don't you give baby your surname and partner can change his to yours after you get married?

If your older three children don't want to change their surnames (or their father doesn't agree) perhaps they could add your maiden name as a second middle name.

LottyD32 · 27/02/2022 13:30

@Hopetobeamumof4

We’ve put a deposit down on the wedding so I have no reason to think it won’t go ahead. I totally understand the point about my other children being hurt about me wanting to change my name now. But I’d be changing it when we got married anyway so I didn’t think it mattered/ I guess I’d like to have the same surname as one of my children and going forward that would be the surname of my baby x
Wow.
AnotherEmma · 27/02/2022 13:42

You probably won't even be divorced by the time your baby is born, and I think that means your husband will have parental responsibility despite not being the father (the law assumes the mother's husband is the father).