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Original poster

My child is always really rude to me

46 replies

RockpoolGirl · 26/02/2022 20:55

Always has been every since he has been about 3!

I’ve struggled as a parent with being firm enough I think- I grew up in an abusive house where I was told I was a disgrace and constantly doing everything wrong and I’m terrified that by telling him off I’m being too harsh.

He goes from being dr jeryll to mr Hyde. He can be absolutely lovely and sweet and also nasty and angry. It’s like he becomes a different person.

He has been particularly narky today. Arguing with me about everything and anything, from getting in the shower to putting his shoes on. And then the last straw was him looking for his fitbit- which unbeknownst to him I’d put on charge- and accusing me of throwing it away. Just barmy.

After a whole day or narkiness he is now banned from gaming for 5 days.

He is also big on sarcasm and eye rolling. He is 11.

Help!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/02/2022 21:03

He’s testing boundaries. You need to set some. It’s no good letting him be rude every day then suddenly banning him from gaming for 5 days.
Choose your line. Stick to it. Smaller consequence each time he steps over.
It won’t be easy though if he has been able to behave badly with no consequences for years.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/02/2022 21:13

I agree with the above. Think about what boundaries and limits you want to impose, have a family meeting and set them out. Be very clear that the reason you're doing this is because his attitude stinks and you won't have him acting disrespectfully to you anymore.

expatmigrant · 26/02/2022 21:18

Is there a partner or DH? Is he mirroring behaviour?

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LightfoldEngines · 26/02/2022 21:26

If he’s never had boundaries or consequences, you’re in for a Hell of a ride.

I had a similar childhood, along with screaming and violence, so I understand what you mean.

Natural consequences are a big thing in my house (single with 3DDs 13/11/6), as are basic rules of not speaking to me like shit, picking up after yourself and Don’t Be A Dick.

Original poster
RockpoolGirl · 26/02/2022 22:07

I mean we do have boundaries, obviously, but he just seems to turn into the devil and become really rude sometimes. And there are some days where he is just huffy and difficult all day.

No he isn’t mirroring anybody.

What consequences would you guys suggest for, say, a rude comment?

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 26/02/2022 22:10

@RockpoolGirl

I mean we do have boundaries, obviously, but he just seems to turn into the devil and become really rude sometimes. And there are some days where he is just huffy and difficult all day.

No he isn’t mirroring anybody.

What consequences would you guys suggest for, say, a rude comment?

Mine can be rude at times and I either ignore it (both have recently started periods OR if it’s over the line, I tend to say “Ouch” and that generally shuts them up Grin because they really don’t like upsetting me, and teenagers have zero brain to mouth filter.
Irishmom7 · 26/02/2022 22:12

I’d just say don’t come asking me for anything if you’re talking to me like that. They’re always wanting something from me so they need to be polite or they don’t get whatever it is they want me to do for them. Usually screen time.

AnneMarieClaireSophie · 26/02/2022 22:19

If they’re asking you for something then you don’t give it to them until they ask nicely. General rudeness I say ‘don’t be rude’ and they hopefully look sheepish. If not and the rudeness continues or there’s backchat, they go to their rooms and then have to listen to a little lecture before they’re allowed out Grin

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2022 22:26

First thing is prevention. So if he’s full of energy a chance to blow off steam. If he’s tired some chill out time.
For a rude comment? A reminder or a choice. You can apologise and speak politely or ….
But consequences need to be fair and proportionate. And immediate. If he’s banned from gaming for a week for being rude once then why try and behave better tomorrow?

AnneMarieClaireSophie · 26/02/2022 22:31

Don’t forget plenty of positive attention too. I always find working on the relationship helps.

Original poster
RockpoolGirl · 26/02/2022 22:33

@wolfiefan that’s a really interesting point.

I imagine if I said ‘don’t be rude’ he would explode into saying ‘I’m not’ angrily or rolling his eyes. Which is…. Rude.

The difficulty also is that after these outbursts he often cries and says he doesn’t know why he gets like this.

OP posts:
UniversalTruth · 26/02/2022 22:35

Natural consequence of being rude to me in my house is: "I don't talk to people who are rude" and then the child is ignored (no eye contact, carry on with eg. Leaving the house in silence, sometimes I hum to myself to show in not in a bad mood I just won't tolerate the behaviour). If they try to speak kindly to me I usually expect an apology, then straight away reward with smiles and attention.

I agree though, 11yo with no current boundaries in this regard will need a family meeting - How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk gives advice on how to do this. I also recommend Philippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read which is about breaking the chain of unhelpful parenting.

UniversalTruth · 26/02/2022 22:40

Just seen your update - I tend to ignore eye rolling after being told off, I don't care if I'm not liked, and I tend to pick my battles.

It must be distressing to you to see your child upset, but he needs to learn to control himself, it's how society works. Maybe you could sit with him for comfort, and acknowledge that it's hard but you know he's going to try his best in the future.

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2022 22:43

I have been known to issue the do not be rude reminder over my shoulder as I leave the room. Then they can eye roll as much as they like!
Plus they need to know how they CAN express how they feel or diffuse the anger.
Adolescence is bloody hard! On them I mean. I remember being a teen.

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 27/02/2022 07:32

Given his age, I think I would sit him down and say that you have obverses that he can be rude and you don't like it, because it is hurttful and because you want him to grow up to be respectful (or whatever). So there are going to be some changes where you don't let him behave like this any more. Describe what they will be - eg calling it out, or a punishment and that you will be expecting him to adhere to this without losing his temper etc.

Ie I thi k you should level with him and try to get him onside to make changes

ihearttc · 27/02/2022 07:47

I have a DS2 who is the same age who is exactly the same. He is actually being assessed for ASD next week. He is totally Jekyll and Hyde and can flip like a switch. We think he acts like this due to anxiety and a huge need to be in control. In your example with the Fitbit my DS would have also argued that I’d lost it because he felt out of control that HE couldn’t find it. He also can’t see that he is argueing with me, in his eyes he is saying it just as it is.
In your case it may obviously not be ASD but maybe worth looking into. DS2 masks quite well at school but this year (he is Y6) they have seen it too.

bruce43mydog · 27/02/2022 08:04

My view on children and parents is respect works both ways.

If your child is disrespecting you have you upset his feeling in any way. I find rudeness towards parents stems from always having your thoughts and feeling invalidated.

Like I told my mum the other day can you just get out my space. And she refussed to move out of my way. I have felt stressed and annoyed latley and having someone taking over my space resulted in a tyraid of me screaming and shouting obseneties at her.

There will always be a deeper reason behind unwanted behaviour.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 27/02/2022 08:07

Teens can be grumpy and sarcastic and you definitely need to pick your battles, but having some boundaries is important. For example - no swearing at you, no name calling, no saying things like "I hate you". But you can't insist that your teen is never going to get frustrated with things and express this around you - that's not fair or reasonable. Eye rolling seems quite modest, tbh!

bruce43mydog · 27/02/2022 08:11

Unless you address issues calmly and reasonably now he will continue to disrespect you when he is older.

Adress his feeling now while he is young or resentment will build when he's a adult.

bruce43mydog · 27/02/2022 08:20

Once a jigsaw is broken it can take years to put the pieces back together.

I completely love my mum but her mental health has impacted my mental health.

My children will never be disrespected by no one. I would never want them to feel anything but love.

ivykaty44 · 27/02/2022 08:24

I’d go for a walk and chat - walking lacks eye contact, which is good for D.C. this age

Explain that being rude is not going to win him any favours in life

So he can continue to be rude but get the worst out of everyone

Or he could, stop and think about how he is behaving and think stop, don’t say anything nasty, be kind and people will be nice

If he’s prepared to try the second option, then he can have a star chart, and stars make prizes ( small prizes but not money) so stars for each day he isn’t rude or even half day

Give him the choice of which direction he wants to take

But make it clear rudeness is unkind to others around him and thinking about how he behaves to others is being kind

caulkheaded · 27/02/2022 08:25

Reading some of Daniel Siegals books are really helpful and he explains a lot about what is going on in the child/adolescent brain and how to react at certain times.

bruce43mydog · 27/02/2022 08:35

Kindness has always been my rule in life. Children from war zone back grounds. Go above and beyond to make kindness there life motto.

It gets you walked on. Of anything tell them to be a little more fierce on there own boundaries. Or they will feel they do everything for everyone. And always put themself last.

Paperdolly · 27/02/2022 08:36

I once worked with a teenager who wished his mother would be more strict. He said he got away with far too much and it made him really annoyed. Boundaries from parents equal safety.

ode2me · 27/02/2022 08:45

@bruce43mydog

My view on children and parents is respect works both ways.

If your child is disrespecting you have you upset his feeling in any way. I find rudeness towards parents stems from always having your thoughts and feeling invalidated.

Like I told my mum the other day can you just get out my space. And she refussed to move out of my way. I have felt stressed and annoyed latley and having someone taking over my space resulted in a tyraid of me screaming and shouting obseneties at her.

There will always be a deeper reason behind unwanted behaviour.

How old are you?
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