DD9 friendship dynamic. What should I do?

[Friendshipqn]

It was DD’s birthday party today. She has a “best friend” who I’ve always been a little about. This kid has always been conscious of being cool and can be mean to others up her status, if that makes sense.

Anyway, Dd invited this best friend, plus two of this best friend’s friends (well, they’re more the bf’s friends than DD’s friends), and one of DD’s proper friends who is quite a new friend. I wasn’t super convinced of this mix, but it’s what she wanted. I tried to persuade her to choose other kids, but she was fixed on that group.

Anyway, the party was today and dd’s bf and one girl were being pretty hideous the whole party - making snide remarks about the other children, leaving dd out etc.

I felt really deflated when we got home (I took them to an activity which cost a flipping fortune) but wasn’t sure how much DD had noticed. Fast forward to an epic tantrum about nothing much (I made the wrong pasta - but she barely even threw tantrums when she was a baby, so I knew something was up) and I realised that she had. I asked her what was going on, and she said bf was being mean to her, and that the other girls were leaving her out on her own birthday and it made her feel upset.

I feel so sad for her. What a memory for her 9th birthday party.

What do I do? I suggested she could start playing with the other girl - the one who isn’t in the bf’s circle (and the focus of a lot of passive meanness today as a consequence. She would say “I like this game” the bf and another girl would be all, “That game is rubbish, such a waste of time” and so on and so on, laughing at her suggestions etc).

I am very good friends with bf’s mother. I want to say something. But would there be any point? I’m sure not. I’m just boiling at the moment. I can just see the bf growing up to being someone who cares more about her status than other people’s feelings and it’s just so flipping depressing.

I’ve been venting to DH who couldn’t come to the party, as he stayed home with DD’s younger siblings, but he’s getting a bit bored of my vents now so I’m venting on here.

Ahhh! Help! Why’s it so hard? My poor little love. She’s such a gentle lass.

Invite the witch over. Helicopter parenting has it's uses. Call her out on anything she says that isn't OK. It works. Either the girl will know your dd is from feisty stock and pack it on or start walking away from the friendship when she sees she can't get away with being a bully.

. Which in the long run is better for your dd.
Trust me.
Primary school age IS appropriate for you to intervene... Maybe show dd she can have better friends. Does she got to clubs not school related? Show her she has options friend wise..

This happened in an episode of Modern Family but (a) I can't remember how it ended and (b) its not real life anyway.

Kids will develop at different rates, the 'cool girl' sounds insecure to be putting others down - I wouldn't write her off at this young age. Just encourage a wide mixture of friendship and activities.

Although the whole day didn't go how DD wanted, what are some positive parts? May be helpful to acknowledge the disappointment, practice some responses if it happens again, and then remember /create some good bits. Its still her birthday weekend tomorrow right, I'd do something like go for birthday hot chocolate somewhere, take a photo, stick on mantelpiece - good for self esteem.

The girl comes over quite a lot as her mother is always asking. I will helicopter next time she comes!

Although I was thinking I should start saying no to every play date with “best friend” to try and get dd away from her. But maybe it’s better to show DD how to stand up for herself?

To be honest, we’ve quit clubs over the years as “best friend”’s mother is a real copier and everything DD does, “best friend” appears at. DD does have one dance class that is an exception because it’s far away and bf’s mum doesn’t have a car. I will ask Dd if there are any nice kids there that are worth inviting over!

Although the whole day didn't go how DD wanted, what are some positive parts? May be helpful to acknowledge the disappointment, practice some responses if it happens again, and then remember /create some good bits. Its still her birthday weekend tomorrow right, I'd do something like go for birthday hot chocolate somewhere, take a photo, stick on mantelpiece - good for self esteem.

That’s a great idea - thank you. There were definitely some good bits and she enjoyed the activity and was really brave doing it!

I love the idea of making a fuss tomorrow too. Make some lovely memories.

On home ground your dd will be more confident.. With you in sight probably more assertive too!! When the girl goes home discuss her behaviour with dd..helping her to see for herself how she is being treated is helpful in allowing dd to make her own conclusion

And Ltb!!
Lose the bitch!!

I have a 9 year old and seem to be witnessing a lot of drama with friendship groups which is new to me. I think it may just be the age they are. Well I hope so.

On home ground your dd will be more confident.. With you in sight probably more assertive too!. That’s true, she usually is! Although even her most assertive self is quiet… (apart from when she’s rowing with her little sister!)

@Bewildered2021

I have a 9 year old and seem to be witnessing a lot of drama with friendship groups which is new to me. I think it may just be the age they are. Well I hope so.

I wonder? Maybe it’s a year 4 thing?!

How is she supposed to get away from best friend if you keep inviting her over?

I agree, helicopter her. My DD has a similar friend who is very shallow and manipulative. She kept asking DD how much things cost and being snidey. So I just interrupted and said "I'm sorry [name] but it is actually terribly vulgar to discuss the cost of things" and explained what it meant. She has toned it down on the materialism a little since.

@bluedodecagon

How is she supposed to get away from best friend if you keep inviting her over?

You’re right - but I never invite, her mother asks constantly. Her mother likes this friendship and is always pushing for it. But I am going to start saying no!

The girl is very popular. She’s on a play date somewhere every night of the week, always invited to every party etc. - whatever she’s doing, it works for her social status.

Your DD only has you to protect her. Do your job and help get her away from this girl.

@Carbiesdreamhouse

I agree, helicopter her. My DD has a similar friend who is very shallow and manipulative. She kept asking DD how much things cost and being snidey. So I just interrupted and said "I'm sorry [name] but it is actually terribly vulgar to discuss the cost of things" and explained what it meant. She has toned it down on the materialism a little since.

That sounds familiar, with this girl it’s constant lies to make herself look better. Some lies are wild, some are small ones that I can pick up on as I know her family. Irony is, she has a really nice family who are very comfortable; but she’s always fibbing and it’s really grating.

She got accused of serious bullying before covid, but they were so little (year 1) that her mother flipped out and said none of it was true and waged a hate campaign (well, sort of) against the girl who accused and the girl’s mother. After today, I suddenly believe every word the other mother said.

I would encourage the friendship with nicer girl. Could you just take the two of them out some where in the Easter holidays or something?
If you’re close to the other mum could you have a word? I have a yr5 girl and in yr4 I had to do this. If the mum is keen for the friendship to continue she might be willing to address issues.

To be honest op it sounds like the other girls mum is part of the problem based on your last post. I'd distance myself from them both. Maybe talk to dd about this other girls behaviour and model assertiveness as other pps have suggested.

Hurt people hurt people, there's obviously something this child is insecure about and her mothers modelling isn't helping. Either way it isn't your dds problem. Good luck

@Paperyfish

I would encourage the friendship with nicer girl. Could you just take the two of them out some where in the Easter holidays or something? If you’re close to the other mum could you have a word? I have a yr5 girl and in yr4 I had to do this. If the mum is keen for the friendship to continue she might be willing to address issues.

I’m close with her and am tempted. She doesn’t like hearing anything negative about her child though - hence flipping out when they were in year 1 and her dd was accused of bullying. Right now, I’m so upset about it all that I don’t care about blowing up my friendship with the bf’s mum! But not sure how to say it? How gentle to be?

I’d stop inviting this child over and stop encouraging the friendship. By doing this you are saying this behaviour is ok.
Tell your daughter that this girls behaviour is unacceptable too - you don’t want her to become a bully too!

I would invite best friend and DD's other friend (new friend - the one who's not in best friend's circle) over and observe the resulting dynamic when best friend is outnumbered.

Also keep promoting DD's other friendships. Does new friend have a friend that your DD might want to invite over as well as new friend?

Above all, try not to sweat over it too much - it may all be a stage and best friend may improve. Their personalities aren't set in stone at this age.

At the party you really needed to intervene.

Friend: "I love this game!"
BF: "Why? It's rubbish!"
You: "I can always call your Mum to collect you if you're not enjoying yourself?"

Just keep pulling her up on things. Pointing out the unkindness, especially when her mother is present.

I'd definitely create some distance. Last thing you want is your DD joining in with the nasty behaviour to try and be part of the 'in' crowd.

She does sound very similar to my dd's bf then with the same mother! I deliberately stopped playdates with the friend and set up new ones with a wide range of girls in her class. I also deliberately don't discuss clubs with the mum because otherwise it results in the bf joining the club's and giving dd no means of making new friends.

The friend seems to like the power of being popular and therefore leads friends on and then drops them to exercise the power as far as I can see. She's very fickle but the girls in the class seem mesmerised by her.

By encouraging stronger bonds with other girls I'm hoping her power over DD slips a little.

DD, also Y4 has had about a year of this nonsense. There is a queen bee who everyone seems to want to hang out with, and we have not encouraged the friendship with queen bee, and discussed loads of tactics to avoid/dodge queen bee. Such as, when it’s DD’s turn to be Most Favoured Friend, DD now knows what Queen Bee is up to, and goes, nah I don’t mind who I sit next too. It helps that DD is strong academically and at a couple of good extra-curricular activities.

Queen Bee’s mum is also the ultra cool nice mum who everyone things is amazing but I suspect there is a huge amount going on behind closed doors, as queen bee hasn’t learnt this from nowhere.

It’s shit, and short of encouraging other friendships, I don’t see what else I can do. Roll on secondary….

Also I refuse to have children who have been horrible to my kids over for play dates. DD has her party coming up and there is only one school friend coming for this reason - DD said she wasn’t going to invite any more because then everyone would want to play/sit beside queen b instead…

I'd not be having this girl over to.play.
Letting her come over is basically telling her she is allowed to treat your daughter like shite. She'd never set foot in my house again after being horrible on my DD's Birthday -after you'd been so kind too!
She see's both you and DD as walkovers.
I think you need to tell the Mum that unfortunately today didn't go very well and you think it best to cool the playdates for now. If she values you and your dd's friendship with her child then she will listen and take what you say onboard. I personally would be mortified that my DD had been a cow at a friend's birthday.
I think her reaction will speak volumes.

I'd try and get DD together with nice friend tomorrow or after school one day and go for a hot choc or something, as previously suggested.

@Carbiesdreamhouse

She does sound very similar to my dd's bf then with the same mother! I deliberately stopped playdates with the friend and set up new ones with a wide range of girls in her class. I also deliberately don't discuss clubs with the mum because otherwise it results in the bf joining the club's and giving dd no means of making new friends.

The friend seems to like the power of being popular and therefore leads friends on and then drops them to exercise the power as far as I can see. She's very fickle but the girls in the class seem mesmerised by her.

By encouraging stronger bonds with other girls I'm hoping her power over DD slips a little.

Gosh yes I can really relate to this! I have kept clubs a secret for as long as I can in the past!

Okay I think I am going to do as lots of you suggested and stop allowing this girl over for play dates. I’m going to tell the mum why as a pp suggested - the party didn’t go well, so best to cool it for a bit. The mum isn’t a confrontational sort, but I know she’ll implode hearing this because of how she reacted to the bullying accusation. But I’m honestly feeling so sick of them both. I’m on maternity leave, so the mum is always asking for play dates because she knows I can do it (she works) and I was starting to resent it anyway!

I have texted the nice girl’s mum and asked if she’s free to come over one evening this week!

I wouldn't say the reason. Id just say DD is tired or you're busy etc. If the mum is like the one I know she's very 'in' with the school, teachers, governers and gets her way, so if her wonderful DD wants it, she gets moved to the best seat, gets the best part in the school play etc. If it's a similar situation then your DD could get a raw deal at school as a result.

The bf and the mother's reaction will only be negative if you go in accusing them (which is what they will perceive)