DD9 friendship dynamic. What should I do?

[Friendshipqn]

It was DD’s birthday party today. She has a “best friend” who I’ve always been a little about. This kid has always been conscious of being cool and can be mean to others up her status, if that makes sense.

Anyway, Dd invited this best friend, plus two of this best friend’s friends (well, they’re more the bf’s friends than DD’s friends), and one of DD’s proper friends who is quite a new friend. I wasn’t super convinced of this mix, but it’s what she wanted. I tried to persuade her to choose other kids, but she was fixed on that group.

Anyway, the party was today and dd’s bf and one girl were being pretty hideous the whole party - making snide remarks about the other children, leaving dd out etc.

I felt really deflated when we got home (I took them to an activity which cost a flipping fortune) but wasn’t sure how much DD had noticed. Fast forward to an epic tantrum about nothing much (I made the wrong pasta - but she barely even threw tantrums when she was a baby, so I knew something was up) and I realised that she had. I asked her what was going on, and she said bf was being mean to her, and that the other girls were leaving her out on her own birthday and it made her feel upset.

I feel so sad for her. What a memory for her 9th birthday party.

What do I do? I suggested she could start playing with the other girl - the one who isn’t in the bf’s circle (and the focus of a lot of passive meanness today as a consequence. She would say “I like this game” the bf and another girl would be all, “That game is rubbish, such a waste of time” and so on and so on, laughing at her suggestions etc).

I am very good friends with bf’s mother. I want to say something. But would there be any point? I’m sure not. I’m just boiling at the moment. I can just see the bf growing up to being someone who cares more about her status than other people’s feelings and it’s just so flipping depressing.

I’ve been venting to DH who couldn’t come to the party, as he stayed home with DD’s younger siblings, but he’s getting a bit bored of my vents now so I’m venting on here.

Ahhh! Help! Why’s it so hard? My poor little love. She’s such a gentle lass.

The mum isn’t a queen bee, but maybe it would cause drama - perhaps I should just distance myself and DD casually.

The poster before who suggested I talk to DD about good things about the day to give her positive memories too: that worked really well and I think helped her go to sleep happier. She loved the activity, and the time she spent with the new friend who made her birthday feel special (even if the others didn’t).

I know I shouldn’t care about it - and I wouldn’t if things had been better - but the other girls (not the new girl - and “best friend” hasn’t given her present yet) gave terrible presents, too. It was a bit like their parents thought “Who’s this kid? She can have this random second hand book from our shelf, she’s not really your friend.” It wouldn’t matter if the day had gone better, but it was another crappy element. It’s not that I care about “stuff”, it’s more that the presents just looked like token crap in a paper bag.

Ahh sorry. So many rants. I need to get over it, but I’m heartbroken for her - she had been so, so excited.

My daughter had a friend like this, she would randomly stop talking to her, try and get other girls to fall out with her etc. She was actually a deeply unhappy child with a sad home life but she was making my daughter so unhappy. I wouldn't go down the inviting over route I would just start cutting down on the time spent together. My daughter's friend actually moved away and since then she has developed some absolutely lovely friendships.

I could have written this myself. We had a 9th birthday party the other week and one of the girls was a nightmare. It really showed me what my daughter and her friends are put through every day due to the different maturity levels in the group. Since then I've said a very firm no to all play dates, although I'm beginning to run out of excuses!

By saying no I'm protecting my daughter outside school and I'm toying with the idea of talking to school but it's tricky as she's doing lots of low level annoyances and nothing big and obvious.

I have to say I don't blame the child as her behaviour is the result of poor parenting but I'm not putting up with any more crap from her any more! There's no point talking to her mum as she never tells her off and doesn't even notice what she's doing wrong most of the time!

Good luck. This seems to be a very tricky age!

Glad the positive chat helped! I know its hard as a parent seeing your child sad about something they were so looking forward to. I remember when DD was this age she was in a sports competition and for days in advance she dreamed of winning, drew pictures of medals, you name it. On the day they got the lists muddled and never called her name. Such an anti climax. I felt so sad for her. But actually, years later, I can see it was quite a good /safe way for her to build a bit of resilience.

I never raised any friendship or bullying issues with other parents. Always go via the school if something needs to be done (table seating plans, lunchtime arrangements etc). Trust me this leads to much less drama!

So you have the friend that isn’t nice over all the time (there have clearly been a lot of other instances of her being mean to your DD, otherwise you wouldn’t be so when talking about her. You also let her ruin your DD’s party by being so rude.

Please do your daughter a mental health favour and cut this child and her mother out of your/her life. Stand up for your daughter and tell her this is NOT how relationships should be and you won’t enable it.

I really disagree with some of the earlier posts about helicopter parenting when the other girl comes over.

There is no way as an adult if another woman had behaved like this at your birthday you would still want to socialise with them. The same should apply here, I think.No playdates, and no socialising.

I'd be tempted not to have a big confrontation with the mother, but rather just try and make lots of excuses, but I'd be very clear with my daughter that it isn't ok she was treated like that and you wouldn't be facilitating it again.

“I’m close with her and am tempted. She doesn’t like hearing anything negative about her child though - hence flipping out when they were in year 1 and her dd was accused of bullying.
Right now, I’m so upset about it all that I don’t care about blowing up my friendship with the bf’s mum! But not sure how to say it? How gentle to be?”

I’m not so great with confrontation so I’d probably go at with a concerned angle- less blame (even though, it’s her kid being mean)
E.g.
“Is everything ok with your dd? She didn’t seem herself at the party….”
Or
“ I noticed the girls aren’t seeing eye to eye at the moment. Would be such a shame if their friendship grew apart. Has your dd mentioned anything to you?

Mention the other girl was being very negative and how upsetting it was for the other girls maybe?

Just so she knows you are aware of the situation with out accusations toward her d. If the friendship between them is important to the mum she might have a word with the girl herself.

You sat you don’t encourage this friendship, it only happens cos the other mother asks - just say no, it doesn’t suit, every time.

She will either stop asking, or question why, and at that point say “I saw with my own eyes at the party how she made an effort to be mean to other girls, and neither I nor my daughter liked it.”

I have been in your shoes , again year 4/5. Unfortunately it's not uncommon with girls . I wouldn't mention anything to the mom , it tends to lead to more drama that the "alpha " girl feeds off .
Encourage play dates with the nice friend , no more play dates with the 'alpha ' you don't have to explain why just don't arrange or say sorry it's not convenient.

Bless her, it's difficult at this age. I found 9-11 the hardest for friendship issues. If I were you I'd back her away from this friendship, stop having playdates etc & encourage her friendship with the other newer friend. Could you organise to have her over for a playdate maybe?
It's definitely a tricky age for girls.
I found some of these books useful I've used them for all my kids, they're easy to read for that age, I'll link you in case you or anyone is interested:

A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles: Dealing with Fights, Being Left Out, and the Whole Popularity Thing (Smart Girl's Guide To...) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1609582233/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_05B408TNQDJCHCAAVMY7

A Smart Girl's Guide: Knowing What to Say: Finding the Words to Fit Any Situation (Smart Girl's Guide To...) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1683370759/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_224MYCG3TWV6G7T7JRJA

A Smart Girl's Guide: Drama, Rumors & Secrets: Staying True to Yourself in Changing Times (Smart Girl's Guide To...) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1609589033/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_XX934FFWZPRF3268ZW45?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I don't think I did the links properly but the titles should be visible it's the American girl series about friendship Troubles

Goodness me, there is quite a lot of passive aggressive and aggressive aggressive advice here, no wonder dysfunctional girl friendships grow into dysfunctional women friendships!

Talk to your daughter about what a friend looks like, how they make you feel. They should be on your side, make you laugh, make you feel good about yourself. If they don't do these things, they're not a friend. Don't bring the parents into it, it just causes more drama, this is between the girls and is about teaching our kids resilience and how to make healthy relationships. If the other mother pushes you as to why they're not playing, I wouldn't get drawn into it, maybe some airy comment about girls of their age making lots of friends.

But you're got at least 2 more years of these girls and their parents, don't get drawn into drama, when the girls might actually have it sorted out by the next day. I saw too many bruised adult friendships when our DDs were at school and falling in and out with each other, because the parents got involved in quite normal childish spats and bad behaviour.

My only caveat is if it's causing problems at school, speak to school.

Talk to your daughter about what a friend looks like, how they make you feel. They should be on your side, make you laugh, make you feel good about yourself. If they don't do these things, they're not a friend.

Thank you all - such good advice on here. DD and I did a bit of this yesterday and I think it went well. She didn’t say much about kindness etc, but I did (I said, “I like friends who are kind, who make me laugh, who are fun” etc etc. She just said she likes friends who like her particular hobby! But I think it is all starting to get through!)

She’s come home from school with an invitation to the other unkind girl’s birthday party today (!!) - she says she isn’t sure if she wants to go or not. I’m don’t know whether I encourage her to decline, or stay neutral and let her make up her own mind. What do you reckon?

I would let your DD decide if she wants to go to the party. Be there to support her . Should she not go just keep it very simple. Thanks for the invitation but you have plans for that day .

@brainhurts

I would let your DD decide if she wants to go to the party. Be there to support her . Should she not go just keep it very simple. Thanks for the invitation but you have plans for that day .

If she does want to go to the party, go with her too, do you mean?

Some parents do turn up to these parties (they’re always drop off optional and most parents take the drop off!), so I could do for sure. I’ll let her take the lead.

We’re going to keep talking about what makes a good friend and things like that in the meantime!

Last night she told me that she had a fun weekend, so I think she’s already remembering the good parts over the bad, which I’m glad of as I was heartbroken that she was going to remember her 9th birthday that way!

Hi , I mean emotionally supportive. Give her strategies such as walking away , speaking out , playing with others at the party .
It's a horrendous faze girls go through but keep re enforcing what a good friend is .

I like this book www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-Called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid&sr