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Original poster

Not inviting 1 twin to DD's birthday party

37 replies

rugbychick1 · 25/02/2022 08:10

Advice please from wise MNetters. A bit of background first. DD is friends with twins. I'll call them A and B. DD has been friendly with the twins since starting in reception at school. In this school year (yr 5), DD has had problems with B's behaviour. No issues with A. The class teacher was informed and has been dealing with it. One of the main issues has been B lying about lots of things which has got DD into trouble, but B has also done this to other children too. But I've spoken to the teacher only about how this has impacted in DD and not mentioned the other children.

So, to the reason why I'm posting. DD is having a party for her birthday, and only wants to invite A. She will not budge on inviting B, and I feel it's my DD's right to invite who she wants. How do I, and DD approach the inevitable question as to why only A has been invited (before, both A and B have been invited to parties)? It's also possible that B may say she's lost the invite to her parents. I am friendly with A and B's mum, so want to pitch my response well.

Any suggestions please. DD is turning 10.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 25/02/2022 08:12

😬

GoldenGorilla · 25/02/2022 08:13

How many are you inviting overall? If it’s only 5 people it’s a lot easier to leave it at “she chose the 5 she’s closest to”. If it’s more I think you might have to go with “oh you know kids, at the moment she and B aren’t getting on but she’d love to have A there”.

Creeeper · 25/02/2022 08:14

I think this is absolutely fine, it’s ok to be friends with one sibling and not another

Does twin mum know about b’s behaviour?

I can’t imagine she will ask why one has been invited over the other but I’d tell her about the behavioural issues your dd has experienced and that she’s friendly with A

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KylieCharlene · 25/02/2022 08:14

Could you use the excuse of having limited numbers?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 25/02/2022 08:15

Its not fair on Twin A to only ever be invited to the same things as Twin B and vice versa.

MsChatterbox · 25/02/2022 08:15

I would definitely be speaking to their parents before mentioning anything to the children. I would be honest and say your daughter is not budging. It may be they choose to decline to not upset the other twin. In which case you can say this to your daughter and she may choose to invite both to get the one she wants.

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/02/2022 08:16

I have twins. They rarely invited to the same alert and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

They have to have natural consequences for behavior and this is part of that.

I’d just say to mum that they haven’t been getting on and you have limited space this year.

Job done.

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/02/2022 08:16

*party

alrightfella · 25/02/2022 08:16

How big is the class and how many are you inviting? 5 from a class of 30 fine....12 from a class of 15 no

Authenticcelestialmusic · 25/02/2022 08:20

I have twins and this is fine. I’d mention the line above about them not getting on at the moment.

I have always told my twins that one day one will be invited without the other, especially as party’s get smaller when they are approaching teen years.

Also my twins are very different, so will have different friends with different interests.

So hopefully A and B’s parents will have already briefed them that this will happen at some point (if it hasn’t already).

Original poster
rugbychick1 · 25/02/2022 08:20

Unfortunately it's not limited numbers. I could invite 25 children, but DD has gone for 15. Mum has mentioned in the past about B's behaviour. I hadn't mentioned the school issue with mum primarily as it had been happening at school so wanted school to deal with it first.

I could say that DD has been more involved and friendly with A this school year and less so with B, so only wanted to invite A this time.

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 25/02/2022 08:20

So long as it's a small party it is fine to only invite one twin. Most parents of twins are very keen for their children to develop individual interests and friendships so that they are not always treated as "the twins" as a unit. It would be different if there were 20 guests but if it's say around 8 guests and twin B isn't among your DD's closest 8 friends but twin A is, then that's totally cool. I would speak to their parent about it just to clarify that this is the case and check she is ok with it (because some parents are a bit batshit and if this is the case you may want to reconsider inviting twin A. But also because it's quite true that twin B might pretend to have been invited if you haven't been upfront with the parent beforehand)

Tyjaro75 · 25/02/2022 08:21

Mum of twins here too. They are separate people with some shared friends and some separate so I wouldn't expect them to be both to be invited to every party together.

Normandy144 · 25/02/2022 08:22

Had a similar incident recently although it was boy/girl twins and I asked the parent if the boy would be upset to not be invited and she said it was absolutely fine. They're two different people after all and need to get used to not being invited to things as a unit. Seeing as your DD is ten can you just get around it by saying it's only limited numbers and DD has chosen A. I wouldn't dwell on the behaviour of B. Just mention to the parent that only A is invited but present it more as a you giving them a heads up in case they get any flack from B.

negomi90 · 25/02/2022 08:22

If DD is friends with both (and plays equally with both at playtime) she probably needs to invite both, likewise if it's a large party then both are needed.
If it's a small party and they don't play together much then invite 1.
(Proud owner of twin siblings who didn't always go to the same parties because they had different friend groups, it does need to be handled sensitively though).

NervesAreSettingIn · 25/02/2022 08:23

I also have twin and very rarely do they get invited to the same parties, unless of course they're close friends.

It was a bit upsetting for them when they were younger, but now they don't really care as much.

Original poster
rugbychick1 · 25/02/2022 08:25

It's a class of 28. I know mum has always said she doesn't like them being treated as one child, but always as 2 seperate children. When DD has gone their parties we've always got 2 seperate cards and 2 seperate presents which I know mum has appreciated.

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 25/02/2022 08:28

I cross posted with your post saying there would be 15 guests.

15 guests suggests that the invitees could be all the female classmates in a typical junior school class, with just one exception of Twin B. If that's the case then that's not on.

I wouldn't make your DD invite twin B but I would make her cut the guest list further so that there are several classmates being left out, not just the unpopular/misfit/problem kids, there need to be kids who are popular and nice but who just don't happen to be amongst DDs closest friends that aren't invited, otherwise having a party for everyone except B is only going to cause escalation of the existing problems.

m00rfarm · 25/02/2022 08:29

My DS was friends with twins when he was this age - he actually got on really well with both, so they were always both invited. However, their mum said on several occasions that people should not feel obliged to invite both of them if the party giver was more friendly with one than the other. However, she was a very sensible mother and perhaps not all twin mothers are the same!

cansu · 25/02/2022 08:31

Does she still play with twin B? If she does then the lack of invite will be noticed in the friendship group and will cause drama. If they now don't play with each other then yes it is fine to not invite. Be careful here. Your dd can of course invite who she wants but if this is just a tiff it could backfire and cause friendship problems itself between dd and A and others in the group.

cansu · 25/02/2022 08:33

Agree also with post above. 15 is a good proportion. If this is most of the girls it will seem deliberately and petty to leave out B potentially. Turn it round and imagine it is B party. She invites the other girls in the friendship group but not your dd. How would she feel?

muddyford · 25/02/2022 08:34

It's your daughter's party and she wants her friends there. She doesn't want an ex-friend who has caused trouble for her in school. Tough luck on the uninvited twin, but behaviour has consequences. They are ten, not five.

Neenawneenaw76 · 25/02/2022 08:36

Oh that's a hard one, I've got twins and am dreading this happening at some point, it's so hard to let only one of them go and do something without the other. If I was the twin mum in this scenario (firstly I'd be MORTIFIED) but I'd be unlikely to let one go without the other Tbh but would like to think I'd understand your reasoning. At the end of the day it's your DD birthday and she can invite who she likes.

TheSnowyOwl · 25/02/2022 08:38

At that age it’s very normal for twins to be invited separately as they have their own friends and interests.

Neenawneenaw76 · 25/02/2022 08:38

My kids are much younger than yours though!

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