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Original poster

"Obviously you don't need to work"

30 replies

DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 10:37

DH and I both worked hard and in later years enjoyed a comfortable, lower middle class lifestyle. Things were hard to begin with, we didn't have a holiday for the first 5 years and only went abroad much more recently. We lived well within our means as we didn't want a lot, but had more than enough to enjoy life and latterly not think too hard about a weekend away or a meal out. Average house and modest cars, but no hankering for anything bigger/better. I always worked, PT for a short period when DC were small, but apart from then, we earned roughly equal. Our mortgage was paid off early, largely due to bonuses I earned.

Anyway, thank god I did because DH died well before retirement and I now find myself supporting myself, which I can do comfortably. There is some pension income, but not life insurance because we each felt we'd be OK, financially, without the other.

I'm early 50s and some of my peers are beginning to think about retirement. Two friends have recently said "obviously you don't need to work". Why would they assume that? If anything I'll need to work longer than we might have done as a couple.

FWIW I'm very private about finances. I'm sure lots of people assume that our lifestyle was down to DH's earnings rather than mine and I've never set them straight, but I find this assumption that I'm very comfortable rather then an impoverished widow (or something in-between) very odd.

Would you assume a widowed friend, who didn't discuss money, was set up for life?

OP posts:
JungleJimbo · 20/02/2022 10:38

They don't sound like very nice friends at all

JungleJimbo · 20/02/2022 10:38

But to answer your question, no, I wouldnt assume that at all

Movingonup22 · 20/02/2022 10:39

Tbh I would assume that there had been life insurance. But I would never say anything like that to you!

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 10:40

@JungleJimbo

They don't sound like very nice friends at all
I wouldn't disagree there. It's very true that at times like this you find out who your friends are and these are two who (separately) have disappointed, but for now I'm interested in their assumption, rather than the quality of the friendship. I know the answer to that!
OP posts:
itwasntaparty · 20/02/2022 10:40

I'm sorry for your loss.

No I wouldn't assume that but in my circle we all have life and critical illness cover through roles. Its something that while the be taken for granted and should be be spoken about more.

WlNDMlLL · 20/02/2022 10:40

An odd comment but I would privately assume you'd have had a life insurance payout. I don't really know how many people do or don't have it but I suppose I expect most couples in professional jobs do - this could be entirely wrong though.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 10:43

When I say no life cover, there was some tied to his job and pensions and it's a useful cushion, but I'm not going to live on it for life.

OP posts:
Cakelover17 · 20/02/2022 10:44

They would like they arnt true friends. My assumption is that maybe they’ve assumed as you were so sensible with money that he’d have had life insurance which would have enabled you not to work (I don’t mean that to sound as though you should have had insurance, I see that it wasn’t necessary for you!). I’ve known several couples like this were the woman hasn’t worked, so the man needs good insurance. But obviously this wasn’t your situation, and it’s very rude of them to assume.

Cakelover17 · 20/02/2022 10:46

That should say they sound in the first line, not they would.

Taytocrisps · 20/02/2022 11:08

I'm sorry you lost your DH at such a young age and you didn't get to enjoy your retirement together. Your friends probably assume that you got a decent life insurance payout. And that your mortgage protection policy kicked in so you no longer have a mortgage to pay (I appreciate that you had already paid off your mortgage, but your friends may not know this). If your friends are paying very large mortgages, they may believe that this represents a big saving for you.

I wouldn't make any assumptions about a friend who was widowed. Everyone has different financial situations and things aren't always what they seem.

Also, circumstances can change. I have a friend who struggled financially for years. Thanks to an inheritance, she's now in a much better financial situation and is planning to buy a holiday home abroad. Having witnessed her struggles first-hand, I'm delighted for her. Although I know she finds it hard coping with the loss of a close family member.

Anyway, your friends should keep their assumptions to themselves.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2022 11:09

I wouldn’t assume anything but I guess if they are worrying and talking about their finances a lot, and you don’t, they may assume you had a big life insurance deal (quite a lot of people do.)

In which case I would say - no there was no life insurance, we earned about the same and I support myself now.

Comments like this wouldn’t put me off someone as such (people are funny and anxious about money) but if they kept it up then it would.

SolasAnla · 20/02/2022 11:10

Sorry for your loss.🌻

loosing your DH at such a young age is never what anyone anticipates and people can be very thoughtless.
I am guessing that they both have partners and joint incomes and can do "couples" stuff. You lose out on the "invisable" couples savings and the companionship.

Have a little pity for the financial assumptions made by 2 people who may not have done any financial planning.
They may have assumed your income has remained the same.
That you get a 100% pension from your DH job etc and that you both had life insurance from when the children were small and your home was mortgaged.
If they have only recently finished paying off a mortgage the increased disposable income would allow them extra freedom.
It may feel like going from a 2 income family to a "3" income family.
But they have not realised you have gone from a 2 income to a 1 income family and most of your costs remain the same.
For most retirement will result in a large drop in income and any disposable income is reduced by every increese in necessary spending.

mum2jakie · 20/02/2022 11:10

At the risk of sounding like a snarky dick, the only one of understanding what they mean and their assumptions is to respond directly why they say these things. Surely it's easy to ask "Why do you think that?" when they say that you don't need to work. By not correcting them, it just gives the impression they are right and will carry on under this belief. I suppose they assume you had a decent life insurance payment. If it bothers you, I'd correct them.

EmmaH2022 · 20/02/2022 11:13

That's an odd comment but the only way to find out why they think it is to ask.

forcedfun · 20/02/2022 11:18

I think they will have just assumed (not entirely unreasonably) that you would have had life insurance /death in service payouts. I doubt they meant it in a mean way, and it seems a shame if you read it that way

TabithaTittlemouse · 20/02/2022 11:20

I’m sorry for your loss.
Maybe they assume that he had life insurance but it’s really rude to assume anything and even more so to comment on it.

Towardsthenorth · 20/02/2022 11:24

I must admit on the face of it I wouldn’t interpret that as an unpleasant comment, although I wasn’t there.

I think most people who live very modestly and frugally generally do have things like life insurance and so on.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 11:26

I'm not going to correct them, it's none of their business, but It seems an odd assumption when my income has halved while my costs stay the same. And yes, being "single" is really expensive. No 241 deals on meals or days out, no railcard savings and don't get me started on the cost of single rooms!

OP posts:
Original poster
DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 11:28

It wasn't meant to be an unpleasant comment, the friends haven't been good friends since DH died, but that's not connected to this comment. It did make me wonder if they've been discussing my finances though, as they both said the same thing separately!

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 20/02/2022 11:30

I repulse never say it but I would assume with the other sensible financial measures you'd taken you'd be the kind of people to have life insurance or at least a death in service provision through pension. So they probably think that's the case. I'm not sure why you wouldn't correct them

DiddyHeck · 20/02/2022 11:30

@EmmaH2022

That's an odd comment but the only way to find out why they think it is to ask.
This ^^ all day long. Mumsnet can't answer this one for you OP, although I'd be inclined to guess they thought your DH had life insurance.

Personally I wouldn't give it another thought but since you are, just ask them.

Towardsthenorth · 20/02/2022 11:31

Many people do NOT understand how expensive being single is.

BestKnitterInScotland · 20/02/2022 11:31

@Movingonup22

Tbh I would assume that there had been life insurance. But I would never say anything like that to you!
Yes I would too. DH gets a death in service benefit, the mortgage would be paid off and there's insurance too. I'd be fairly well off.

I wouldn't EVER comment on a friend's financial situation though.

Towardsthenorth · 20/02/2022 11:33

I’d be loaded if DH died, which does not mean I desire this in any way I hasten to add!

FairyCakeWings · 20/02/2022 11:35

I’m widowed and I think a couple of colleagues have assumed that I got a huge life insurance payout when my DH died. I didn’t, but I can’t believe it’s been any more than a passing thought to these people anyway so it doesn’t really matter.