"Obviously you don't need to work"

[DetailMouse]

DH and I both worked hard and in later years enjoyed a comfortable, lower middle class lifestyle. Things were hard to begin with, we didn't have a holiday for the first 5 years and only went abroad much more recently. We lived well within our means as we didn't want a lot, but had more than enough to enjoy life and latterly not think too hard about a weekend away or a meal out. Average house and modest cars, but no hankering for anything bigger/better. I always worked, PT for a short period when DC were small, but apart from then, we earned roughly equal. Our mortgage was paid off early, largely due to bonuses I earned.

Anyway, thank god I did because DH died well before retirement and I now find myself supporting myself, which I can do comfortably. There is some pension income, but not life insurance because we each felt we'd be OK, financially, without the other.

I'm early 50s and some of my peers are beginning to think about retirement. Two friends have recently said "obviously you don't need to work". Why would they assume that? If anything I'll need to work longer than we might have done as a couple.

FWIW I'm very private about finances. I'm sure lots of people assume that our lifestyle was down to DH's earnings rather than mine and I've never set them straight, but I find this assumption that I'm very comfortable rather then an impoverished widow (or something in-between) very odd.

Would you assume a widowed friend, who didn't discuss money, was set up for life?

No I wouldn't, bit some people clearly think that widows are loaded because of life insurance. Which is why they often get targeted by date scammers. But the reality is, many people can't afford life insurance and thus find themselves really struggling financially when their partner dies.

It's an unpleasant comment because it implies that you were fortunate - even if only financially - to lose your DH so young. Some people do get bent out of shape comparing financial situations though and lose sight of human loss and grief. Sucks to be them quite frankly.

mmmm I'm not sure what I would think, I probably wouldn't think anything although I may kindly ask "will you be ok?" if it was a good friend.

We cancelled our life insurance when we paid our mortgage off as it was taken out to pay the mortgage off in the event one of us died. Since we no longer had a mortgage we cancelled it.

We do both have death in service benefits though, so maybe that swayed it.

I’m very sorry to hear about your DH, OP.

I think a lot of people don’t give a huge amount of thought to things sometimes, and live in this little bubble where they just assume that everyone is like them.

In my case, both my husband and I work for large companies with good benefits so we have death-in-service benefits, plus we also have life assurance, and mortgage protection. If one of us died, the other would be mortgage free and have a lump sum that would mean that giving up work would be a possibility.

From discussions over the years with friends, most of our peers have similar set-ups.

I don’t think your friends were being nasty, just a bit ignorant.

Firstly, I’m sorry that your husband has passed, way before time by the sounds of things.
I feel many people make assumptions, based on knowing no facts. This can be said for many, many things in life. They seem to assume that your money must be raking in, possibly because your home is your own and so you have no rent or mortgage to pay.
Personally, I wouldn’t assume that your money must grow on a tree, simply because you have been successful in managing your finances. May also be a generation thing, where men were often the main breadwinner and so wives were perceived as relying on the husbands financially.
I’m aware this hasn’t been the case for you, but it could be down to this misconception. Regardless of their assumptions, I hope you continue to enjoy your life, somewhat comfortably, without the need to explain the sacrifices you have made, to justify your position in life at this point.