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Original poster

Telling my ex I’m introducing the kids to affair partner

43 replies

WhereistheSunset · 19/02/2022 12:03

Title slightly for click bait.

Yes, I had an affair. So did my ex - he cheated on me with many women over the years but accepts no responsibility as he didn’t leave me for any of them. He was also a functioning alcoholic and I basically brought up the kids on my own when babies and toddlers as he wasn’t interested until they were older and compliant.

I ended our marriage when I met someone and wanted to make a relationship with them. I did have an affair for a time. I stayed co parenting under the same roof with my ex for some time (extended due to pandemic) and did a nesting arrangement for a year (taking turns to spend time out of the family home to stay in a flat). We finally moved into two separate properties last summer and have the kids week on week off.

They are KS2/teens.

I’ve now been with my affair partner coming up to nearly 4 years. It’s a long term relationship but no plans to move in for various logistical reasons (he looks after his kid full time in another city). But, I still haven’t introduced him to my kids as I am very scared on my ex’s temper and what is a fragile coparenting relationship will flip and mean he takes a lot of anger out on the kids. He already gives my eldest teen guilt trips when she wants to spend time with her friends and boyfriend instead of him and her younger siblings. My guilt at being the one who ended the relationship in this way is also talking loud. I know I didn’t do right, but I would start to like to have some time with my partner and kids. I know the advice will be “just tell the ex” but how, and how do I manage his anger and the kickback on my kids. He loses his temper a lot.

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 19/02/2022 12:08

If you’re that scared of his reaction then I don’t think I’d want my kids living with him. Do you have a formal agreement? What do the kids want?
Even before you factor in telling him something he’s not going to want to hear there are so many red flags in what you’ve said.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/02/2022 12:16

Sounds like the kids have already had enough upheaval, why do you need to introduce your partner to them at all? Honestly most people seem to do it because it's more convenient for the adults involved, not because it's in the best interest of the kids.

BigPurpleEgg · 19/02/2022 12:18

If he is likely to take anger out on the kids why on earth are they living with him half the time? Deal with that first. Is it court ordered?

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GirlInACountrySong · 19/02/2022 12:21

I think it's a positive that you can show them a normal loving relationship and also show it's possible to move on and build a better life for yourself

As they are old enough to choose, I would not force them to go to him. He sounds like a bully

Start living life for you, you will have to have a conversation with him but go in with a positive approach and be firm that you are moving inwards and upwards

He doesn't like it? Well he won't, but don't let that stop progression. Be prepared to involve the police if necessary

Take a no nonsense approach

GrogusMam · 19/02/2022 12:22

Is it really necessary? If you aren't moving in or nothing is likely to change then what's the need? I know for you, it would be nice, but it seems like they've been through so much already and for them, there is no real benefit and may even cause them extra stress with their dad by your own admission.

negomi90 · 19/02/2022 12:23

If you've not introduced them for 4 years and introducing them is going to cause harm to your kids from your ex then why on earth would you do it.
It sounds like the status quo is the best thing for your kids right now, until you have a better way to protect them from the father.
Introducing them benefits you (possibly, but if it damages your kids it may not) and sticks it to your ex. It doesn't benefit anyone else.

Gardeningdream · 19/02/2022 12:29

There is an element of I had an affair and it’s his fault not mine to your post. On saying that though, it’s been four years and it’s time to stop acting like is still an affair and meeting in secret from your kids and being it into reality and see if it will work

Original poster
WhereistheSunset · 19/02/2022 14:01

I’d like to occasionally see my partner on the weekends and holidays I have the kids but yes I understand the point. I need to put them first.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 19/02/2022 14:14

You say you've been with your dp for 4 years but you only separated your home from exh last year. So the 4 years is irrelevant as far as your dc are concerned. In their perception their parents split last year.

Do your dc know you're seeing someone? You'll need to play it differently (slower) if it's a totally new idea for them or if they're well aware you've got a boyfriend. Could you start to allow informal meet ups (e,g, meeting up for a walk and pub lunch or day out) with him on a this is my friend John basis before you even think about him spending the night in your dcs' home?

FairWindClearSailing · 19/02/2022 14:39

Please just put your children first. It's too much too soon

FizzyBizz · 19/02/2022 14:46

Do the kids know you’re seeing someone? I’d start with introducing the idea first, and talking about it a bit, before thinking about introducing in person.

Sideorderofchips · 19/02/2022 14:50

Put your kids first

ANameChangeAgain · 19/02/2022 14:53

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for meeting someone who helped you get out of a horrible relationship.
I would just speak to your teenagers, explain the situation and ask how they feel about meeting him. You're children are old enough to understand.
Its worrying that your ex is still controlling you and your children, and the three of you need to work out how to end this.

ANameChangeAgain · 19/02/2022 14:54

Your, not you're!!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/02/2022 15:00

@ANameChangeAgain

I think you need to stop feeling guilty for meeting someone who helped you get out of a horrible relationship. I would just speak to your teenagers, explain the situation and ask how they feel about meeting him. You're children are old enough to understand. Its worrying that your ex is still controlling you and your children, and the three of you need to work out how to end this.
Please do not do this. They will probably go along with what you want to hear, I said I was fine with meeting my mum's partners but I only said that to make her happy. I didn't really want to.

If your children are teens, it won't be that much longer until they go to university and have their own lives. Don't force your partner onto them - it's a crucial time in their lives if they're doing exams, dealing with their parents separation, and their dad doesn't sound like a great parent so YOU need to be one. If your relationship is strong then it can wait until they are older.

AlternativePerspective · 19/02/2022 15:02

Absolutely no-one would be saying these things to you if you hadn’t met this man while you were still married.

For posters saying it’s too soon, OP and her ex lived in the same house and co parented for a year, and then had a nesting arrangement for another year and finally moved into seperate properties last summer, so it’s not as if the OP and her ex only split 5 minutes ago.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to introduce your kids to your partner and vice versa. They’re not babies, they’re old enough to know that you are likely to see someone at some point.

It’s typical victim blaming to expect you to be the one to mitigate any reaction from your ex, personally I would be looking to limit the amount of time the kids have to spend with him, based on how they feel.

As for introducing your partner, you don’t actually owe him that, so I just wouldn’t tell him. It’s your business, and contrary to what people here might think, he doesn’t have the right to know. Telling him is something one would do out of curtesy, something which he has lost the right to by being abusive to his children.

Original poster
WhereistheSunset · 19/02/2022 15:04

I’m trying to put the kids first but do think eventually I can have a new family life - I don’t have to punish myself forever. Yes, kids have known we were separating for nearly 2 years but we have only been in two separate houses for less than a year so I understand it’s still new for kids. I absolutely would take it slowly re introductions. My eldest knows I am seeing someone, I’ve felt it a little early to tell the other two, sorry was vague on ages but they are pre teen secondary and late primary age.
Whether the current arrangements are for the best for kids is unsure but they seem ok with it for now. Keeping things very fair and even with co parenting is key to keeping my ex on an even keel.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/02/2022 15:06

@AlternativePerspective

Absolutely no-one would be saying these things to you if you hadn’t met this man while you were still married.

For posters saying it’s too soon, OP and her ex lived in the same house and co parented for a year, and then had a nesting arrangement for another year and finally moved into seperate properties last summer, so it’s not as if the OP and her ex only split 5 minutes ago.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to introduce your kids to your partner and vice versa. They’re not babies, they’re old enough to know that you are likely to see someone at some point.

It’s typical victim blaming to expect you to be the one to mitigate any reaction from your ex, personally I would be looking to limit the amount of time the kids have to spend with him, based on how they feel.

As for introducing your partner, you don’t actually owe him that, so I just wouldn’t tell him. It’s your business, and contrary to what people here might think, he doesn’t have the right to know. Telling him is something one would do out of curtesy, something which he has lost the right to by being abusive to his children.

I would. I was forced into an unwanted blended family situation as a kid so I'm against it in general no matter the circumstances.
ANameChangeAgain · 19/02/2022 15:10

I said I was fine with meeting my mum's partners but I only said that to make her happy. I didn't really want to.
The difference was you mum's partners, rather than op's presumably long term partner. I certainly wouldn't recommend bring home multiple men.

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 15:14

Tbh I know its not the right advice as you should be able to have your partner in your life but I'd wait for ex to be in a settled relationship again so he won't care as much.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/02/2022 15:19

@ANameChangeAgain

I said I was fine with meeting my mum's partners but I only said that to make her happy. I didn't really want to. The difference was you mum's partners, rather than op's presumably long term partner. I certainly wouldn't recommend bring home multiple men.
No, she got married and I moved out at 17 as it was such an unbearable situation at home. Vowed never to put my own DS in that situation.
Original poster
WhereistheSunset · 19/02/2022 15:36

@Waxonwaxoff0 can I ask what it was that made it so horrible for you? Keen to avoid my DC feeling like that, sorry for you that you did.

OP posts:
SmellinOfTroy · 19/02/2022 15:42

@FairWindClearSailing

Please just put your children first. It's too much too soon
shes been with him 4 years?
SmellinOfTroy · 19/02/2022 15:47

I stayed co parenting under the same roof with my ex for some time .... and did a nesting arrangement for a year .... We finally moved into two separate properties last summer and have the kids week on week off.
I’ve now been with my affair partner coming up to nearly 4 years.

OK so you have been properly separated from ex for 2 years? And yet you are still walking on eggshells around him - scared of his reaction, and to your DC

Is he with someone else now?

Does he think that YOU broke up the relationship with new partner?

Original poster
WhereistheSunset · 19/02/2022 15:48

Yes he was very controlling and can’t stand it that I’m still with this guy , he blames me for everything although I could list a whole load of cheating, alcohol abuse, anger, physical violence etc that meant marriage was dead for me long before I started the affair.

OP posts: