Telling my ex I’m introducing the kids to affair partner

[WhereistheSunset]

Title slightly for click bait.

Yes, I had an affair. So did my ex - he cheated on me with many women over the years but accepts no responsibility as he didn’t leave me for any of them. He was also a functioning alcoholic and I basically brought up the kids on my own when babies and toddlers as he wasn’t interested until they were older and compliant.

I ended our marriage when I met someone and wanted to make a relationship with them. I did have an affair for a time. I stayed co parenting under the same roof with my ex for some time (extended due to pandemic) and did a nesting arrangement for a year (taking turns to spend time out of the family home to stay in a flat). We finally moved into two separate properties last summer and have the kids week on week off.

They are KS2/teens.

I’ve now been with my affair partner coming up to nearly 4 years. It’s a long term relationship but no plans to move in for various logistical reasons (he looks after his kid full time in another city). But, I still haven’t introduced him to my kids as I am very scared on my ex’s temper and what is a fragile coparenting relationship will flip and mean he takes a lot of anger out on the kids. He already gives my eldest teen guilt trips when she wants to spend time with her friends and boyfriend instead of him and her younger siblings. My guilt at being the one who ended the relationship in this way is also talking loud. I know I didn’t do right, but I would start to like to have some time with my partner and kids. I know the advice will be “just tell the ex” but how, and how do I manage his anger and the kickback on my kids. He loses his temper a lot.

He hasn’t got a new partner

Another reason to leave an unhappy marriage BEFORE you cheat. But 'horse, stable door', I guess.

Does your exH know for sure that this man was the OM? I'm assuming so, but if not would he make the connection? Do the DC know about the cheating? If not, do you really think your Ex is going to keep quiet about it if he knows?

Anyway, there is no way you're going to be able to introduce the kids to your AP and avoid a shit storm without telling them to lie to their father and you do NOT want to go down that road. And if you do introduce AP and a shit storm ensues do you really want to get into the issue of "Dad cheated too" and all that entails with the DC? Or cause the DC harm/discomfort because their dad is treating them like shit? Because my assumption would be that he will vilify the both of you to the kids as well has guilt-tripping them.

You need to think hard about this and the old saying "Let sleeping dogs lie". At least until the DC aren't living under that same roof with your Ex. What you want isn't important, what your children need to live calm and peaceful lives in both their homes does.

@AcrossthePond55

Another reason to leave an unhappy marriage BEFORE you cheat. But 'horse, stable door', I guess.

Does your exH know for sure that this man was the OM? I'm assuming so, but if not would he make the connection? Do the DC know about the cheating? If not, do you really think your Ex is going to keep quiet about it if he knows?

Anyway, there is no way you're going to be able to introduce the kids to your AP and avoid a shit storm without telling them to lie to their father and you do NOT want to go down that road. And if you do introduce AP and a shit storm ensues do you really want to get into the issue of "Dad cheated too" and all that entails with the DC? Or cause the DC harm/discomfort because their dad is treating them like shit? Because my assumption would be that he will vilify the both of you to the kids as well has guilt-tripping them.

You need to think hard about this and the old saying "Let sleeping dogs lie". At least until the DC aren't living under that same roof with your Ex. What you want isn't important, what your children need to live calm and peaceful lives in both their homes does.

You are right, this is all very true.

You do seem to be in a combative headspace. Why are you referring to your partner as your affair partner?

Anyway, I’d introduce the idea slowly with your ex - eg in summer, they are going to run into each other, so I’ll need to introduce them. That way his annoyance will be diluted.

Presumably the kids are free to move back in with you FT if the 50/50 doesn’t work out?

So your children have been subjected to a childhood with one alcoholic parent and 2 cheats, they’ve been exposed to violence, aggression and god knows what else.

You’ve now given them one whole year of relative calm co-parenting and you want to inflect YET more upheaval for them by bringing a new partner into the picture.

Put them first for once. This isn’t about you and some self-pitying ‘I deserve a family life’

Your actions and inaction around your previous relationship will have already had a massive impact on them while you put yourself first, you’re not as hard done by as you seem to think you are.

All the best op

I stayed because the alternative was having a custody battle and subjecting kids to possibly unsupervised time when he was neglectful. Now they are of an age where they are okish if he’s drunk and in bed all day (ie it’s not dangerous like with a toddler) or can contact me independently. I can wait longer to introduce them, the kids are absolutely my priority, I suppose I needed to articulate the concerns around it. Yes I think kids can vote with their feet as they get older. I’d like to do some casual days out etc as a slow intro but need to think about the reaction and impact on kids - that’s why I posted really.

@GrogusMam

Is it really necessary? If you aren't moving in or nothing is likely to change then what's the need? I know for you, it would be nice, but it seems like they've been through so much already and for them, there is no real benefit and may even cause them extra stress with their dad by your own admission.

I agree with Grogus

It concerns me that he makes your oldest feel guilty for not going over when he has them;are you sure he's not leaving the childcare/housekeeping/cooking up to her?;is he actually looking after them?

I think it’s probably more concerning how much you are still trying to “keep the peace” for your children’s sakes presumably. If yo ex is so bad why do you have a week on week off custody arrangement? He really doesn’t sound like he’s fit to be a father to them. Maybe they are old enough not now to do injury to themselves if he’s drunk in bed all day as a toddler would but what about emotionally? It can’t be good for late primary and teens to live with dad for a week and he’s drunk in bed? Can I ask why you didn’t take full custody and offer eow?

On the introduction to your partner I’m not sure as never been in that situation so understand complex and you wanting to put children first. I feel sorry for you though as it sounds like you hold a lot of guilt when really your marriage was long over. Ideally you’d have left ex then started with new partner of course but it sounds like you are constantly putting yourself in less than ideal situations in order to ensure your children are okay (eg living together after split then this nesting arrangement then 50:50). Your ex is already being manipulative with your eldest. Just feels like everyone is still pandering to the ex and his needs are first (eh not enraging him).

Your ex sounds like an unfit father. Why aren’t you worrying about that rather than when to introduce a new man into their lives. I would be putting all my energy into fighting for full custody if I were you. Poor kids.

You are dangerously OK with the idea of them being left alone with someone who is so drunk they are in bed all day…

Hi, if your ex cheated on you for years I think you haveno reason to feel guilty over ending it, whether with an affair or not. He'd already made your vows obsolete.

Which doesn't change the need to tread carefully around you kids and new dp. But it's about tact and circumspection, not living down guilt. All best.

@WhereistheSunset

I'm glad my post resonated and is giving you pause to think. It's not a decision to be taking lightly.

Here's another thing. You mention in your most recent post about having stayed until the children were able to care for themselves if your Ex was drunk in bed. So, if you do decide to introduce at some point, are you prepared for them to 'vote with their feet' and decide to live with you full time? I don't mean to imply that you don't 'want' your children per se. But right now you have the best of both worlds, parenting time and free time. How are you fixed for 'permanent' bedrooms? Would it mean a change of schools or disrupt their schooling? What would happen if one child isn't deemed 'old enough' to 'walk' but the other is? Or if one is guilted into staying and the other refuses to be guilted?

I’ve taken legal advice and it’s not that simple with my ex. He broadly looks after them, I know there will be weekends where he is present but absent but it’s hard to prove. We live 10 mins walk away from each other so the kids can always come to me if they need.

Whether or not you had an affair is completely irrelevant. The crux of the issue is that your ex has a temper and take it out on the kids. Most probably because he knows that's the best way to hurt you.

You talk about coparenting with this man, but he sounds abusive and like he is still seeking to control you. I would minimise all contact with him and go grey rock. I would also see a lawyer to see if you have grounds to reduce contact if you truly believe he is taking his temper out on the kids and can provide evidence for this.

@SW1amp

So your children have been subjected to a childhood with one alcoholic parent and 2 cheats, they’ve been exposed to violence, aggression and god knows what else.

You’ve now given them one whole year of relative calm co-parenting and you want to inflect YET more upheaval for them by bringing a new partner into the picture.

Put them first for once. This isn’t about you and some self-pitying ‘I deserve a family life’

Your actions and inaction around your previous relationship will have already had a massive impact on them while you put yourself first, you’re not as hard done by as you seem to think you are.

I'm sorry, there seems to be some serious victim blaming here. The OP's ex had serious alcohol problems and regularly cheated on her, and you're criticising the OP for "feeling hard done by." I'd feel hard done by if I'd had to spend years,( throughout a pandemic), with an unpleasant alcoholic that cheated on me multiple times. Maybe you wouldn't feel "hard done by," in those circumstances, but I'd say you are in the minority.

I can offer some insight to a vaguely similar situation.

Ex h and I split now about 3.5 years ago after I met someone and it was the catalyst for me to leave, I made some poor choices in terms of that, but it came after 15 years of him cheating, physical and emotional affairs, constant lying, emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, I was only 16 when we met and he was in his mid 20s and I was totally under his spell. I met someone and nothing much particularly happened but it gave me strength to finally stand up and leave, 2 dc's who were 3 and 1 at the time, so ages are different to yours.

After we had been separated about 3 months ex h took my phone and discovered the overlap of meeting someone and me saying I wanted to separate, so he has always been seen at the affair partner to him. We are still together now 3 years on but I have kept him separate in a lot of ways to my life for most of this time for fear of my ex's reaction. Some examples of his behaviour over the last 3 years are stalking me, hidden cameras, stealing phone, listening devices, looking through my windows at night to see what I'm doing and listening to conversations, putting in place huge restrictions on what I can do, delaying divorce proceedings to the point we are still not divorced, lying about money to lawyers, I could go on.

About 6 months ago after he introduced our dc's to a girl he was seeing I decided I couldn't go on keeping mine and my partners life so separate, that although I don't plan on jumping in living together, I've found someone who is a wonderful person and partner and I don't want to live our lives so separate. I had to suck up what my ex's reaction would be because I've lived in fear of it for so long. I spoke to him about it first and that I wanted our dc's to meet my partner, he's never been 100% ok with it and I get snide comments from him all the time, but it's not been as bad as I thought. My children are a lot younger than yours and I do have to say I think that if they were both teens I'd be inclined to just wait until they were off at uni/left home to move in with anyone else, but mine I still 7 and 4. But I don't feel like you should have to keep your lives totally separate but I also feel you don't need to throw your lives together.