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Original poster

My 3 year old controls me. I feel suffocated

47 replies

helpmeihaveatoddler · 18/02/2022 11:44

I need help, is there any mum classes or help for clueless mums out there??

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and it's really getting to me.

My 3 year old is incredibly clingy when we are at home, I can't move rooms or go to the loo without screaming and tantrums. I find myself sitting in one place trying to workout the best way to go for a pee without a breakdown.
I've tried telling him and I've tried just going but both ways he completely screams the house down. When making dinner it's a nightmare as wants to sit and cuddle all the time so he just screams at me. Friends have told me to just carry on and ignore the breakdown but he pulls at my clothes and doesn't let me walk so I can't move.

I'm sat here now wanting to get some lunch but he's just had a breakdown because wife tried to move.
He's been like this for 8 months and it's not getting any better. I feel totally overwhelmed and like I'm not living a normal life.

I need help please!!!

OP posts:
tammyjess · 18/02/2022 11:45

I know it's no consolation but I've been through this. Only time helped.

Bonheurdupasse · 18/02/2022 11:47

Play pen he can't get out for him, and earplugs for you.

Original poster
helpmeihaveatoddler · 18/02/2022 11:48

Play pen for a 3 year old? He's very tall and can climb on to the table if he wanted so the play pen would have to be a cage! 🙈

OP posts:

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3 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Digestive28 · 18/02/2022 11:50

I would second that despite many efforts, in reality it was just time that helped. It does get better. Mine now a few years on and run off to play with friends etc without looking back

Cedarfire · 18/02/2022 11:51

I would give him two options- ‘Mummy needs to go to the toilet, would you like to come with me and wait by the door or do you want to play here and I’ll come back?’ is he old enough to grasp that kind of thing yet? Mine are a bit older so I might be out of touch.

LightfoldEngines · 18/02/2022 11:53

My youngest was like this, right from birth till about 5. Even now, if it’s just me and her in the house and I go to the toilet, she follows me. If I go into another room, she follows me. If I’m sat down, she’s sat on me. It’s fucking exhausting, suffocation and annoying.

Ilovethewild · 18/02/2022 11:55

Op, appreciate it’s really hard, but while his screaming works you are teaching him that screaming and clinging to you works to keep you with him.
You need to start teaching him that you being separate (for minutes) is fabulous.

Can you play a hide and seek game?
Is it just the 2 of you? Do you have friends or play dates with him for him to play with others?
You going to the loo with out and returning to him will help teach him you come back!
I know it’s not so simple, but you don’t want to be held hostage by your child’s behaviour!

Behaviour is communication- what is he saying?

You need to tell him to stop pulling your clothes, sit him down and let him know what he needs to do ‘mummy is going to chop veggies, you can either help by doing this or play with your toys etc but if you try and stop mummy then I will tell you off. If you keep doing it you will have to sit on the step.’

It’s important he learns to listen to you and do as you have asked!
You have to be consistent and loving (am sure you can do that).

dangerrabbit · 18/02/2022 11:55

Do you have any children's centres near you that offer parenting classes? Or do you have homstart in your area? Does your children's services have an early help team? Sounds like you might benefit from some additional support.

thebabessavedme · 18/02/2022 11:56

I would say fake it till you make it, as in, when you need to do something involve him, be relentlessly cheerfull, 'oh darling, I'm so glad I have you to help me get the lunch, can you put this on the table for me?, oh thank you, you are such a clever boy, and on and on and on, constant praise and positivity, ignore 'bad' behaviour and focus on what he does right. As for going to the loo, he is only little, while not ideal to have him in there with you just remember that this stage wont last forever

Photolass · 18/02/2022 12:01

Children do go through a clingy phase. Can you let him 'help' you? For instance, give him clothes to fold, or tell him 'we need to tidy your toys and put them away.'

Get him to 'bath' some plastic toys.

Give him a bowl of warm water and a couple of socks to wash. (Bowl on a large towel, with dry clothes when he's finished).

If you need the toilet, give him a sand timer, to see if you can be out before the sand has run through. Alternatively, just take him with you.

Bring out a toy that he hasn't seen for a while.

Good luck. It passes.

Classicblunder · 18/02/2022 12:04

@Bonheurdupasse

Play pen he can't get out for him, and earplugs for you.
Have you met a 3 year old?!

My 2 year old could get out of a plan pen in seconds

MrsMingech · 18/02/2022 12:07

A playpen Hmm As though he's a tiny puppy.
That's never going to work.

OP does he go anywhere else? Another parents house? A nursery?

MRS54321 · 18/02/2022 12:09

Op , DC is a lockdown baby. They probably are more clingy than usual Sad
It’s not you, it’s the way the world has been for 2 years odd

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 18/02/2022 12:12

Just take him with you to the loo and get him to help you with jobs?

KalaniM · 18/02/2022 12:21

How is he with maintaining eye contact? Sometimes good eye contact and verbal engagement can meet the need for reassurance , and allows hands free time like making dinner. I used to stand my son on the kitchen table while I was cooking so that he was on eye contact level with me, and sing a few ‘wheels on the bus’ type songs while moving about the kitchen. He felt well attended to so I was able to make food! Basic stuff maybe, but it worked! Smile

Pbbananabagel · 18/02/2022 12:23

I’ve recommended this a few times on here - try the course from Big Little Feelings, we got it when we had baby no. 2 and the techniques have been honestly incredible for us. Helps you understand what’s going on when they melt down and gives you step by step plans for how to work through it. Absolute game changer for us. You can follow them on Instagram and see what you think before you buy the course, it’s all online little videos, work through it in order is best. Good luck

Staryflight445 · 18/02/2022 12:33

Give him 2 options like another poster suggested.

Stop the cuddles, change your routine and have a designated cuddle time, unless unwell or hurt.

Feeling like this towards your child isn’t healthy and you clearly need something to change and quite quickly.

Staryflight445 · 18/02/2022 12:34

And also yes, at 3 you’re entitled to 15 hours of pre school/ nursery?
So get him in asap if not already.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/02/2022 12:36

By 3- maybe closer to 4 the naughty step was introduced- screaming down the house comes with a minute on the step until he calms down

IDontDrinkTea · 18/02/2022 12:36

Take him with you to the toilet, and get him to help you cook, preferably so he’s the right height, ie stand him on a chair or use a learning tower

StrawberrySanta · 18/02/2022 12:38

Has he ever been to nursery? Or do any family members watch him for a couple of hours sometimes? Maybe some time away will help him see you're always going to come back. It must be hard for him after the past 2 years where it's not been normal times, but it will be better for everyone if he can learn to set you free a bit

MotherOfCrocodiles · 18/02/2022 12:45

Yep, two options. Make the less clingy one more attractive. "you can stand outside the loo door, or stay here and watch paw patrol til I'm back"; "you can sit at the table and watch me cook, or you can play with your toys". Don't be surprised if they sometimes choose the loo door option - but trust that over time they will realise this is the less good option, OR at least they are outside the loo door not on your lap on the loo!

If they are doing something dangerous like grabbing you when you are cooking, one of the options might involve being restrained, eg "no grabbing mummy, there are hot pans - sit at the table and do drawing, or you have to sit in your cot to stay safe" (that said, my 3yo can't climb out of the cot...)

Good luck, it's a nightmare, but you should be able to detatch yourself for a few minutes and should not IMO feel bad about doing whatever it takes. Definitely don't agree with pp that the solution is just to let them cling to you every minute.

Bootothegoose · 18/02/2022 12:52

@Ilovethewild

Op, appreciate it’s really hard, but while his screaming works you are teaching him that screaming and clinging to you works to keep you with him. You need to start teaching him that you being separate (for minutes) is fabulous. Can you play a hide and seek game? Is it just the 2 of you? Do you have friends or play dates with him for him to play with others? You going to the loo with out and returning to him will help teach him you come back! I know it’s not so simple, but you don’t want to be held hostage by your child’s behaviour!

Behaviour is communication- what is he saying?

You need to tell him to stop pulling your clothes, sit him down and let him know what he needs to do ‘mummy is going to chop veggies, you can either help by doing this or play with your toys etc but if you try and stop mummy then I will tell you off. If you keep doing it you will have to sit on the step.’

It’s important he learns to listen to you and do as you have asked!
You have to be consistent and loving (am sure you can do that).

Everything this.

He’s going through a very anxious phase but that is also being indulged. I appreciate that is very easy to say.

He’s old enough to communicate and rationalise what he needs. Offer alternatives to being left alone but if he persists grabbing and crying you just need to carry on regardless where possible.

Nothing but sympathy it’s an awful phase. My eldest went through this when she was a little younger. She had extremely delayed speech which just made it worse. It was hellish. I remember shutting the kitchen door and crying in the fridge as she screamed and tantrummed. I just needed space.

Please be kind to yourself. It’s ok to be touched out/want to lock him in another room just to get away. In fact it’s normal. You’re not a bad mum to be at the end of your tether.

There’s some really great advice on here. I really hope some of it helps xxx

LittleBearPad · 18/02/2022 12:54

Is he at nursery? If not look into enrolling him for both your sakes

cutebutstabby · 18/02/2022 12:57

Be rest assured this is most likely a phase, whilst exhausting I know, I had this with my first born. It doesn't last and if you give plenty of cuddles they eventually start feeling more secure.

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