My 3 year old controls me. I feel suffocated

[helpmeihaveatoddler]

I need help, is there any mum classes or help for clueless mums out there??

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and it's really getting to me.

My 3 year old is incredibly clingy when we are at home, I can't move rooms or go to the loo without screaming and tantrums. I find myself sitting in one place trying to workout the best way to go for a pee without a breakdown.
I've tried telling him and I've tried just going but both ways he completely screams the house down. When making dinner it's a nightmare as wants to sit and cuddle all the time so he just screams at me. Friends have told me to just carry on and ignore the breakdown but he pulls at my clothes and doesn't let me walk so I can't move.

I'm sat here now wanting to get some lunch but he's just had a breakdown because wife tried to move.
He's been like this for 8 months and it's not getting any better. I feel totally overwhelmed and like I'm not living a normal life.

I need help please!!!

This is helpful to read. Mine is happy for me to go to the loo etc but for bedtime, helping him on the loo etc it MUST be me and not DH. The meltdowns are crazy. I'm giving in at the moment and I know I need to stop as it's becoming ridiculous. I'll try the choice idea, thanks

@helpmeihaveatoddler

Play pen for a 3 year old? He's very tall and can climb on to the table if he wanted so the play pen would have to be a cage! 🙈

Some sort of gate on his bedroom door? So door is not closed but you get a breather

You could also op- say. Right I need to go and do X,Y,Z.
I’m going to give you a cuddle now and then go and do that, I would like you to do X,Y,Z.

Walk away,
Ignore the screaming for 5 minutes and go back, give a cuddle. Reiterate what you said previously and go back to what you were doing. On repeat, increasing the increments you go back.

I know people say oh it’s just a phase but when you are trapped and simply can’t do anything it’s not healthy for anyone.
You can work around it op, it won’t be easy though.

my daughter is this! its frustrating and exhausting. at night shes awake every 2 hours asking for a drink and a cuddle. she sleeps in my bed, she sits on my lap. constantly asking for mummy.

its tiring and shes 3 in june

I would say the opposite to many of these responses. Being clingy for whatever reason means he needs to be with you. Have you attachment parented? If not, then you could try giving that a go so that he starts to feel secure and then he will become more confident to leave you when he is ready.

My daughter is 3 and can be like this. She has started to get slightly better recently. I have to take her into the loo with me sometimes. However, we have introduced a time out step now for when she acts out (if have to ask/tell more than twice them she goes on it). Nursery helps for sure. Much of it is standard 3 year old behaviour but I feel your pain. My DD went through a stage of being really aggressive towards me and siblings - eg slapping my legs in frustration. Again, time out step helped with that and we have now gone weeks without the physical stuff.

@Photolass

Children do go through a clingy phase. Can you let him 'help' you? For instance, give him clothes to fold, or tell him 'we need to tidy your toys and put them away.'

Get him to 'bath' some plastic toys.

Give him a bowl of warm water and a couple of socks to wash. (Bowl on a large towel, with dry clothes when he's finished).

If you need the toilet, give him a sand timer, to see if you can be out before the sand has run through. Alternatively, just take him with you.

Bring out a toy that he hasn't seen for a while.

Good luck. It passes.

Good advice. Do NOT just sit and hold your pee, get on with what you need to do while reassuring him at the same time.

Take him with you to the toilet, let him help whilst you’re cooking dinner, ‘let’s go and make the stir fry, can you pass me the carrots’ that way he’s go leaving you. Praise him lots to make him confident and believe in himself to not be quite so reliant on you.

Pps have made lots of good suggestions, hide and seek, sand timers, arrange side-by-side tasks he can ‘help’ with.

However;
Do not tell him off in long sentences that end with a threat. Don’t do naughty step at all. Don’t say

‘ ‘mummy is going to chop veggies, you can either help by doing this or play with your toys etc but if you try and stop mummy then I will tell you off. If you keep doing it you will have to sit on the step.’

It’s too long, too involved, too negative.

Try ‘come and help me, you stir the cake mix and I’ll peel the carrots. Wow you are a super stirrer! What strong arms you have! Now we can have our drinks while it bakes’

Don’t push him away. Do the opposite! Ask him for a hug. Carry him around and tickle him. Say ‘look after my cushion while I have a wee. Hug it for me so it’s not lonely’

‘ I would say the opposite to many of these responses. Being clingy for whatever reason means he needs to be with you. Have you attachment parented? If not, then you could try giving that a go so that he starts to feel secure and then he will become more confident to leave you when he is ready.’

This never worked when it came to my daughter, in fact it made her worse.
I wish I’d parented with more boundary’s through the hard time.

I'd second checking out big little feelings on Instagram, they're great.

Try love-bombing him. When you need the loo (not when you are bursting, when you first realise) give him a massive hug and rock him and say, 'Oh no! I need the loo and I don't want to let you go. I love you so much I don't want to leave you even to go to the loo. What can I do?'

Make a game of it. 'OK. I'll be a big girl and go to the loo.' Start to get up then change your mind and hug him again. 'Oh no! I can't! I can't bear to leave you!' Do this a couple of times, with a twinkle in your eye so he knows it's a game but also thinks you mean it.

Then get a transference object, like a teddy and say, 'I'm going to have to let teddy give you my cuddles while I wee. I am SO jealous of teddy for having my cuddles with you. But i have to, don't I?' Then say to the bear, 'Can you save some of DS's cuddles. Don't use them all up while i wee because I NEED SOME when I have finished!'

Then when you come back out of the loo, ask DS if he has any cuddles left for you or did teddy use them all up.

I promise you you won't have to do this sort of mad melodrama very often. Once or twice, if you out-hysteric him at how traumatic it is to be parted while you wee, he'll lose interest.

With making dinner, I just stuck DS in a high chair up at the counter and 'we' made dinner together. I'd give him a simple or unnecessary job like wiping the potatoes or stirring the (dry, uncooked) rice. And we'd have music on and sing along.

It's very boring, but it passes.

One of mine was like this. Turns out he has PDA.

When my two year old tries this, I give him the options of stopping or naughty step. He's not allowed to bully or control me. It works fine. If he pulls my clothes or shouts at me, he knows what happens.

You do need to ignore the tantrums. You're sending a message to them that having a shit fit gets them what they want. Which they will carry on with as they get older.

My DS1 was a easy toddler because I had a newborn baby I largely ignored the tantrums simply because I had no other choice. DS2 was a nightmare because I tried to pander to him. As soon as I stopped pandering to him, his whinging stopped.

I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old. I don't have time to pander to the 2 year old so it's not allowed end of. He's a happier boy for it. Tantrums and pestering get him no where so he doesn't do it. When I slip in to indulging him it all goes wrong. My partner has to remind me a lot though as I forget.

Re PPs comments -

DD is my youngest but I sure as shit didn’t/haven’t pandered to her because as a single parent of 3, it ain’t possible.

Attachment parenting - lol - I suppose if I had a style of parenting it would be considered that.

What is he like out of the house?

Does he go to any kind of childcare?

Is it just the two of you?

Anything happen to trigger this 8 months ago?

Any additional needs? Or suspicions of them?

It sounds utterly exhausting and not at all normal.

He goes to nursery once a week shortly to be upped to twice a week. He's better out the house but still panics if he can't see me or if I try walk off etc

Other than these situs he's a very happy little boy and full of confidence with adults etc.

Our dog died around the same time these really panicky episodes started happening. That's the only thing I can link it in with

Well there’s the explanation. He’d probably have been a bit like this, but losing the dog has ramped up the anxiety.
Don’t do the naughty step nonsense. He’ll get worse not better.
Do the cuddling/hugging games/acting as suggested by gingerhills.

My son was like that and it's suffocating

I used to give him my phone with some games on!

@helpmeihaveatoddler

He goes to nursery once a week shortly to be upped to twice a week. He's better out the house but still panics if he can't see me or if I try walk off etc

Other than these situs he's a very happy little boy and full of confidence with adults etc.

Our dog died around the same time these really panicky episodes started happening. That's the only thing I can link it in with

That sounds like a very reasonable explanation to me.

If that is the case, and it sounds like it could be, the only way through it is to give him the reassurance he needs throughout. Which is bloody draining, I know.