Whats with all the “judging” going on?

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:13

@workwoes123

This word is all over MN - people judging each other, people feeling judged, others debating their right to judge / not be judged. My kids often say “don’t judge me!” as a joke. I get the general gist of it but I don’t really get it.

Does it just mean “to have an opinion” on something? Surely that’s just really basic human trait - observing within our senses and making a judgment about what we see / hear / taste / feel etc. And we use the same abilities to make judgments about people we interact with (are they safe / dangerous? etc) and situations that we find ourselves in (is it safe / dangerous /to my advantage ? etc). That standard human behaviour surely. So why is it talked about like it’s bad thing?

I just dipped into one of the many “what do you secretly judge in a friends house / parenting style / kids behaviour / choice of car / relationship ?” threads. Is “judging” in this sense always negative? Do people ever make positive judgements? And surely it’s pretty impossible to not make a judgment about what you see / hear / smell / taste / etc?

MN Talk revolves around judging and getting others to agree with your judgements. And throwing a strop if they don't.

It's more than having an opinion. Depending on what you are talking about .ie I wouldn't judge someone for the shade of paint they use in their living room but I would judge someone for dropping litter.

DillonPanthersTexas · 15/02/2022 08:15

I think you are on to something with regards to the having a different opinion = judgement

Also, the self appointed thread police have been out force the last week so quite a few threads are getting a bit nasty.

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:15

And now I'm going to be judged for quoting the OP which is a massive no no. Not sure i even meant to. Sorry.

DaffodilDandilion · 15/02/2022 08:17

Option = I don’t like it when houses smell like dogs

Judging = workwoes123 is so gross having her house smell like dogs.

That’s the difference to me at least.

Original poster

workwoes123 · 15/02/2022 08:18

It's more than having an opinion. Depending on what you are talking about .ie I wouldn't judge someone for the shade of paint they use in their living room but I would judge someone for dropping litter.

But what makes it different or more than just having an opinion on what you’ve seen? Do you tell the person you’ve made a judgment on? Or do you just purse your lips momentarily and forget about it? I can see that if it was someone you knew, it might change how you view them overall.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 15/02/2022 08:19

A judgement is forming a negative opinion of a person based on their choices.

So: 'I don't think watching TV is good for children.' - opinion
Whereas: 'Sheila is a lazy parent because she sticks Jonathan in front of the TV all day.' -judgement

See the difference?

LittleBearPad · 15/02/2022 08:19

@Sparklingbrook

And now I'm going to be judged for quoting the OP which is a massive no no.

Not sure i even meant to. Sorry.

The thread police will judge you

Littlemissweepy · 15/02/2022 08:23

Judging is more than having an opinion, it’s projecting something onto that opinion.

“That’s a fancy sports car that young man is driving” is an opinion. “Therefore they must be a drug dealer” is a judgement.

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2022 08:24

And you get the judging band wagon mob now, who will pick apart the ops post, high light a teeny bit of it and then have a competition who can have the most judgyness!

SpideySenseTingles · 15/02/2022 08:24

@Sparklingbrook

And now I'm going to be judged for quoting the OP which is a massive no no.

Not sure i even meant to. Sorry.

Ha ha! For a second I did internally roll my eyes at that 🙄 and then realised the irony! 😄

Which is like a mini case in point. Thinking to yourself 'that's annoying' isn't the same as writing a long post telling someone they are being annoying.

But on MN the balance shifts because it is an anonymous site where you can vent about what you don't like in the world. So it will come across as more judgemental.

LuckySnips · 15/02/2022 08:27

I always say this op! What is the judgement - good person/ bad person?

Forming a conclusion like "they are a drug dealer " isn't a judgement. It's "i assume certain types of people with expensive cars must be immoral" that is the judgment, I think...

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:28

@workwoes123

It's more than having an opinion. Depending on what you are talking about .ie I wouldn't judge someone for the shade of paint they use in their living room but I would judge someone for dropping litter.

But what makes it different or more than just having an opinion on what you’ve seen? Do you tell the person you’ve made a judgment on? Or do you just purse your lips momentarily and forget about it? I can see that if it was someone you knew, it might change how you view them overall.

Because I would make a judgement about the type of person they were by their litter dropping, but not by their choice of paint. I might feel the paint wouldn't be my choice but it's just paint, and doesn't affect anyone.

I wouldn't have the nerve to confront a litter dropper or say someone who doesn't pick up after their dog, I would make a momentary judgement and move on.

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:30

@LittleBearPad, in all the years I've been on here I have been judged to death. The trick is to not care. If I did I'd never post a thing.

SickAndTiredAgain · 15/02/2022 08:37

I’d say judging in that context is always negative. It’s more than an opinion, it’s your opinion on one thing leading to a judgement about the person eg “people who have X in their house are common and tacky” rather than just “I don’t like X”. It’s possible to not like something without that leading to an opinion on the person. I don’t like Eastenders, that’s an opinion on the show, but I wouldn’t judge someone for watching eastenders (I wouldn’t think it said anything negative about them).

Original poster

workwoes123 · 15/02/2022 08:39

So is it what you do with the “judgment “ that counts? If you just keep it in your head and don’t tell the person (or anyone else) then it’s just a thought that arises and then passes away?

But if you tell the person, or you talk about then with someone else, then it counts?

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:41

@workwoes123

So is it what you do with the “judgment “ that counts? If you just keep it in your head and don’t tell the person (or anyone else) then it’s just a thought that arises and then passes away?

But if you tell the person, or you talk about then with someone else, then it counts?

I don't really know what you are getting at. Why does it have to 'count'? People make judgements continually, all day every day.

Unless you mean posting it on MN?

SickAndTiredAgain · 15/02/2022 08:42

@workwoes123

So is it what you do with the “judgment “ that counts? If you just keep it in your head and don’t tell the person (or anyone else) then it’s just a thought that arises and then passes away?

But if you tell the person, or you talk about then with someone else, then it counts?

Counts as what?

Original poster

workwoes123 · 15/02/2022 08:43

What about from the being judged side? If the person doing the judging isn’t saying anything. I’ve got friends who seem to think they are being judged all the time! But when I ask them why they care what a random person thinks or even how they know this (because the person hasn’t said anything) they seem to think that just “being judged” is bad enough.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2022 08:43

@workwoes123

What about from the being judged side? If the person doing the judging isn’t saying anything. I’ve got friends who seem to think they are being judged all the time! But when I ask them why they care what a random person thinks or even how they know this (because the person hasn’t said anything) they seem to think that just “being judged” is bad enough.

I think that's called paranoia.

Skeam · 15/02/2022 08:44

@ThirdElephant

A judgement is forming a negative opinion of a person based on their choices.

So: 'I don't think watching TV is good for children.' - opinion
Whereas: 'Sheila is a lazy parent because she sticks Jonathan in front of the TV all day.' -judgement

See the difference?

Exactly.

I think the two get confused on here because a significant number of people don’t seem to have people disagree with them at all, ever, in RL, and get all upset and reactive and attacked and ‘Are you JUDGING me? How double dare you?’

SickAndTiredAgain · 15/02/2022 08:47

@workwoes123

What about from the being judged side? If the person doing the judging isn’t saying anything. I’ve got friends who seem to think they are being judged all the time! But when I ask them why they care what a random person thinks or even how they know this (because the person hasn’t said anything) they seem to think that just “being judged” is bad enough.

Well, you can definitely judge without spelling out your judgement, and sometimes it’s obvious eg a parent not letting their child play with another child because they’ve made a judgement about the parents. You could call it snobbery. And yes, arguably it would be better to not care what a random person thinks of you, but that’s not always easy.

WondrousAcorn · 15/02/2022 08:49

I think judging is human and the horror of judgement on here is often OTT. An example is the threads where an op moans about some foible of a friend and gets loads of PA comments in return about how it sounds like they don’t really like this friend at all and would be doing them a favour if they dropped the friendship. Whereas, out in the real world you can love someone to bits and still find aspects of their behaviour bloody irritating, necessitating a good old moan to your dp or mum. As long as you aren’t bitching about them with mutual friends or being unpleasant to them, perfectly fine IMO.

Also the upset when people say they don’t like something. Grey, Pandora, hot tubs, whatever. I do agree some threads are straight-up goady and unpleasant, but there seem to be some posters who are mortally offended by anyone having a view on whatever it is they like. One of my favourite ever threads on here was about adults who like Disney. Not something I have much of a view on, but I came away with much respect for the Disney fans who genuinely didn’t sound like they cared what others thought as opposed to the many posters who were personally offended by the op.

DearZoom · 15/02/2022 08:55

I always just thought when people talk about being judged or people judging them all they are saying is that someone is being judgmental towards them. And that’s always been a negative thing.

Laiste · 15/02/2022 08:57

oooh I think last week i remember posting a post which said something like:

''i think x y z about (can't remember what the thread was about!!) but what makes it judging and when is it just having an opinion?''

I don't think anyone answered me. (Nothing unusual there. I think i killed the thread (again)).

Judge away!

scaredsadandstuck · 15/02/2022 09:02

I once did some training to become a peer supporter and the first session covered judgement. The trainer said to us that making judgements is hard wired in humans, it's what you do with the judgement that counts. You don't have to force yourself not to judge, but you also don't have to act on your judgement by sharing it with others, particularly the person you are judging.

Ultimately your judgement is just your opinion, which really is worth very little to anyone but you (unless of course you are a judge!).