Whats with all the “judging” going on?

[workwoes123]

This word is all over MN - people judging each other, people feeling judged, others debating their right to judge / not be judged. My kids often say “don’t judge me!” as a joke. I get the general gist of it but I don’t really get it.

Does it just mean “to have an opinion” on something? Surely that’s just really basic human trait - observing within our senses and making a judgment about what we see / hear / taste / feel etc. And we use the same abilities to make judgments about people we interact with (are they safe / dangerous? etc) and situations that we find ourselves in (is it safe / dangerous /to my advantage ? etc). That standard human behaviour surely. So why is it talked about like it’s bad thing?

I just dipped into one of the many “what do you secretly judge in a friends house / parenting style / kids behaviour / choice of car / relationship ?” threads. Is “judging” in this sense always negative? Do people ever make positive judgements? And surely it’s pretty impossible to not make a judgment about what you see / hear / smell / taste / etc?

Oh and the number of judge-y posts on here recently has been quite nasty. Feels like posters are just looking for ways to feel better about themselves by being shitty to others. Not very nice.

@scaredsadandstuck

Oh and the number of judge-y posts on here recently has been quite nasty. Feels like posters are just looking for ways to feel better about themselves by being shitty to others. Not very nice.

You know, i was thinking that last night.

I was on here a lot more than usual yesterday and last night and the amount of really hurtful digs seemed higher than in the past.

• Wanting any more fuss than a quick appointment at the registry office makes you a face book princess.
• People ''pathetic'' for wanting to mark valentines day.ect

Unpleasant.

It was personal digs at the OP. Not general opinions.

I consider one of the differences to be that a judgement is when someone projects their opinion as being the standard for right or wrong/good or bad.

For example:

Opinion - I don't personally like tattoos, but to each their own! Wouldn't think less of someone for it.

Judgement - Ew that person has tattoos. They just shouldn't have tattoos because they're ugly and I now think less of that person.

For that reason it's not a prerequisite for judgements to be verbalised, they could merely be thoughts regarding what a person "should" or "shouldn't" do.

@yellowsmileyface

I consider one of the differences to be that a judgement is when someone projects their opinion as being the standard for right or wrong/good or bad.

For example:

Opinion - I don't personally like tattoos, but to each their own! Wouldn't think less of someone for it.

Judgement - Ew that person has tattoos. They just shouldn't have tattoos because they're ugly and I now think less of that person.

For that reason it's not a prerequisite for judgements to be verbalised, they could merely be thoughts regarding what a person "should" or "shouldn't" do.

I agree @yellowsmileyface - it's the attitude of "This is what I think so it MUST be right" as opposed to recognising it's JUST your opinion - not fact.

I also think there is a difference on here between sharing your opinion in response to a post where someone is seeking advice or views on something, and starting a thread encouraging the judgement of other people.

I get what you mean about having opinions op, or simply appraising some thing intelligently. But the sub text of “judging” is that you dismiss people for not being up to some standard that you’ve set, often with little conscious thought being it.
I think when people say “ don’t judge” they mean “ let me be who I am with out condemning me for it” , which is fair enough, but again the sub text of that is “ approve of me”.

My mum can be very judgemental and I often think that it’s just a reflection of how harsh and unkind she is to herself.

Isn’t it about forming an opinion about someone’s total life/behaviours based on one split second?

I’ll give an example; I was recently at a family event, I have a 20 month old and he eats great with cutlery and with hands depending on what it is. At this family event everyone was excited/shouting, it was overwhelming and they were all feeding him treats but it was getting late so I wanted him to eat something nutritious knowing he’d probably fall asleep in the car.. I fed him beans and egg on toast, literally fed him as he dashed around.

Then it was talk of ‘she’s still spoon feeding him, he can’t feed himself’ afterwards.. I’ve never spoon fed him as a rule, we did blw.

So they’d formed an opinion of our whole lives based on one event, isn’t that ‘judgmental’?

@LuckySnips

I always say this op! What is the judgement - good person/ bad person?

Forming a conclusion like "they are a drug dealer " isn't a judgement. It's "i assume certain types of people with expensive cars must be immoral" that is the judgment, I think...

That's very true. And the good/ bad judgment can often get mixed up with other judgements which are deeply ingrained eg. I assume a young Black or Asian man in an expensive car is probably a drug dealer. (They couldn't have an expensive car any other way). This is a judgment on that person but also on the race and feeds into further judgements. It's good to be aware as we all do this in different ways eg. They don't have books on display, so they must be uneducated. I will therefore not be respectful of their opinions, which are likely to be ill informed.

As the saying goes. Judging is a confession of one’s own character.

Judging is used as a negative predominantly. It’s having a negative view or opinion of something or someone. It can be used as a positive, but usually is not.

Yes the way the word is used on MN is annoying! Judgement means to have an opinion or make a decision about. It can be positive or negative, be in your favour or not. But on here it only means "to think negatively about".

Many people say "Oh, I never judge". Yeah, do you bollocks love. Every judges - all it means is making judgements about things.
My workplace changed the phrase being "non-judgemental" to "using good judgement" because of this!

Everyone makes judgements everyday. The problem with places like MN is that you get very little information about a person's life on which to make those judgements - so you may end up judging inaccurately or unfairly.

But anyone who says 'I don't judge' is lying. Without a shadow of a doubt. EVERYONE judges, it's a human reaction to receiving information, and those judgements help us decide who to form relationships with, and how best to do it.

@Bitofachinwag

Yes the way the word is used on MN is annoying! Judgement means to have an opinion or make a decision about. It can be positive or negative, be in your favour or not. But on here it only means "to think negatively about".

To be fair, not just on here, in modern language commonly used today it is negative. It’s not the dictionary definition.

Everyone judges. There is just that fine line between judging things that really matter to you (or are so minor it's fairly irrelevant). most of the time keeping it to yourself or fairly private and recognising people can make their own choices... with being over critical, making your opinions known without any recognition others can think differently and 'evilling'/outcasting people due to difference.

I've seen families fall apart due to over judgemental opinions and inability to accept difference. Especially as DC get older and in laws / grandchildren come along.

Being breezy and keeping opinions to oneself leads to much more reward than momentarily putting down or overly expressing strong opinions for a little ego boost.

Obviously judging someone's choice of cushions quietly is very different to constantly judging someone's parenting just because it isn't identical to yours.

It was in the Bible so it's been around a fair while. Although probably not to extremes on here! 😂

I see judgement as a stingy mindset. Deciding to think the absolute worst of a particular choice that someone else has made.
I prefer to try and think more generously for example, if I see someone shouting at their child in the supermarket, my initial reaction is to judge them and (on a good day) I correct myself and offer a smile their way knowing how it feels to be harassed by your children when you’re trying to do the shopping. The former separates you from others and the latter connects. Being connected ultimately feels better inside.

I can always tell when I’m being judged and the people judging tend to miss out on getting the best from me.

People who are trying to see things from my point of view, despite holding a different view points themselves are more mature and the relationship stands more chance of growing.

There’s a lady in my village who is very vocal on social media about how she has been working since she was 15 years old and how some people in our community don’t understand what it’s like because they’re on benefits and don’t work.
She’s blind to the fact that these people suffer tremendously with physical and mental chronically bad health on a daily basis and she’s fortunate to be able to go to work each day.

I must admit, I do judge her judgment of others but I wouldn’t want her in my life too heavily anyway because our core values are so at odds.

To be fair, not just on here, in modern language commonly used today it is negative. It’s not the dictionary definition.

And the Bible, as PP said. 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.'

@Bunnybunny1

I see judgement as a stingy mindset. Deciding to think the absolute worst of a particular choice that someone else has made. I prefer to try and think more generously for example, if I see someone shouting at their child in the supermarket, my initial reaction is to judge them and (on a good day) I correct myself and offer a smile their way knowing how it feels to be harassed by your children when you’re trying to do the shopping. The former separates you from others and the latter connects. Being connected ultimately feels better inside.

So in your supermarket example judging means disapproving.

Opinion is what I have when I'm raising legitimate concerns about others.
Judging is what others do when they're gossiping about me.

I suppose it’s seeing behaviour that is at odds with how you choose to conduct yourself.
But taking time to ask yourself what causes might have led to that behaviour can take us down from our judgemental platform.

The thing that bugs me is things people don’t like themselves they then “judge” others for liking.

I don’t like artificial grass - wouldn’t be my choice. My neighbours have it and they like it. Fine, different tastes. I don’t think less of them for having different taste.

I have a hot tub and like it - relaxing times with my teen and pre teens spending time together, or with dh looking up at the stars. It’s lovely. Occasionally my best friends come round and we sit in it drinking wine and catching up. People on mn seem to think this makes me a horrible gross person because they choose not to have one.

If a friend is overwhelmed and her house messy/dirty I’d help, not judge.

I am human and do judge people but not for C those things. Smoking with a dc in arms - that I’ll judge for. Parents bullying their dc and swearing at them etc, yep I’ll judge that, but not based on their taste. Having different tastes isn’t something to look down on people for. It would be a boring world if our homes all looked the same!