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Original poster

Change my life for me! What would you do?

65 replies

ChangeMeUp · 14/02/2022 21:32

I’ve got to that point where my dc have left home. I’m widowed. I’m solvent. I’m bored. I work part time and I volunteer, but I still feel I have a lot of time to fill.

I also appear to have no hobbies/interests, no imagination and don’t know what to do to improve things or how to make big changes. I always thought once the dc were adults I’d have no problem filling my time. The truth is that I feel lonely and useless and at a very different stage to all my friends. How do I make the most of my life?

OP posts:
gingerhills · 14/02/2022 22:15

If you look online, there are various self-help diagrams that split your life into different sections.The one I was taught is 9 boxes, but there's a wheel one too. You fill out each box with a different aspect of life e.g.: fitness and health, family & home, community, spirituality, work, friends, adventure, learning, fun

Then you do a sort of assessment test on how satisfied you are with each area. Then you make lists of tiny. medium and massive things you could do to increase the happiness in each area. Then you start doing them!

I also believe in bucket lists. Big once in a lifetime ones. But also small seasonal or local ones, e.g. It's Spring so I'll... Whenever I am bored I look at my very long bucket list and go and do something from it.

Whatever you do, include physical fitness. As you get older, the investment in weight training and yoga - strength and suppleness/posture pay off massively.

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 14/02/2022 22:15

Do you want to know what's happening in the news? It's all very depressing at the moment so it doesn't really matter if you don't know what is going on.

In terms of withdrawing, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just what you needed to do when your DH died. I think you will find as you start to engage with things, you will set the ball in motion and start to feel better about yourself/life. At the end of the day, you are still the same person.

If you can't or won't do the Times Crossword every day it really doesn't matter. No one is going to judge you so just do things that make you feel light and happy.

TwoBlondes · 14/02/2022 22:18

Similar situation here....I bought a van and travelled around Europe with my dog! Bit extreme, totally out of my comfort zone but it changed my life.

BuddhaAtSea · 14/02/2022 22:18

I find that going away for a few days sort of shakes me out of that state.
Try and go away for the weekend?

How about counselling? That might help :)

alisoninwonderland · 14/02/2022 22:19

@StarsAreWishes

I love that the first 2 replies are dog and god Grin
GrinGrinGrin
altforvarmt · 14/02/2022 22:21

If I had more time, I'd apply to be a Children's Panel member.

WorriedMillie · 14/02/2022 22:23

My mum is in a similar situation
She joined the WI, they have great socialising stuff beyond the usual meet ups, she’s in the local horticultural society (good trips out) and national trust group (ditto)
She’s also in a walking club, she walks for miles.
And pre-covid, she volunteered for the local hospital league of friends, she did all sorts of valuable stuff
She loves going to the theatre, she’s in a lunch club and she goes to visit friends for weekends and nights away. She’s never bloody in 😂

I also know someone who volunteers for Macmillan in an info hub, another who volunteers at an animal sanctuary and another who volunteers at a food bank oh and one who teaches English to local refugees.

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2022 22:23

Get a pub job 1/2 shifts a week Sunday lunch time, Saturday night - lots of company and breaks up the weekend

I did volunteering at open water swimming, that’s fun

Find or try out hobbies

Take 3 months of and go travelling

Set up a book club, dog walking club

alisoninwonderland · 14/02/2022 22:25

I think I'd work on physical fitness! Maybe take up dancing?

Original poster
ChangeMeUp · 14/02/2022 22:25

@gingerhills

If you look online, there are various self-help diagrams that split your life into different sections.The one I was taught is 9 boxes, but there's a wheel one too. You fill out each box with a different aspect of life e.g.: fitness and health, family & home, community, spirituality, work, friends, adventure, learning, fun

Then you do a sort of assessment test on how satisfied you are with each area. Then you make lists of tiny. medium and massive things you could do to increase the happiness in each area. Then you start doing them!

I also believe in bucket lists. Big once in a lifetime ones. But also small seasonal or local ones, e.g. It's Spring so I'll... Whenever I am bored I look at my very long bucket list and go and do something from it.

Whatever you do, include physical fitness. As you get older, the investment in weight training and yoga - strength and suppleness/posture pay off massively.

That’s very interesting @gingerhills, thank you. I’ll have a look.

I feel that I should know what’s going on in the world, yes. I used to be very interested in everything but now not so much.

OP posts:
ineedsun · 14/02/2022 22:26

Get a camper van and take your dog, take up surfing, outdoor swimming and paddleboarding.

MillieMoonbeam · 14/02/2022 22:28

Similar situation here....I bought a van and travelled around Europe with my dog! Bit extreme, totally out of my comfort zone but it changed my life

OMG! I would love to do exactly that! Except I don’t have the confidence ☹️ How did you do it? Please tell me step by step…

OP I felt exactly like you last year. I joined some FB groups… Dog walking group - we meet at various times throughout the week if we can make it. I usually make one in the weekend. Ramblers group - weekend and evening walks with others. Local area friendship group - where we started off meeting up twice a month for coffee. Now we go for lunch, out for dinner, quiz nights, cookery classes, concerts, we have a few weekends away booked… What is your (approx) age group and what are you interested in?

Dougt · 14/02/2022 22:35

I’d do a long distance walk, like the southwest coast path. You could do it in stages.

I currently volunteer in quite an interesting role. If I had more time I’d get better involved in the organisation.

I’d get really into gardening and probably do some guerrilla gardening too.

Rivering · 14/02/2022 22:47

Start kayaking.

Join a sailing club (compulsory social side, you have to man the bar etc at least once a month).

Volunteer at a homeless kitchen.

Start selling homemade goods at a farmers market.

Start playing video games.

Rivering · 14/02/2022 22:48

Go on one of those old banger car rallies raising money for charity along the way.

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2022 22:52

Have you thought about doing an Open University course?

MuffinStrops · 14/02/2022 22:56

@TwoBlondes

Similar situation here....I bought a van and travelled around Europe with my dog! Bit extreme, totally out of my comfort zone but it changed my life.
I love this. How amazing!
Lookingoutside · 15/02/2022 00:05

I wonder if counseling would be a good jumping off point OP?

You sound like you’re beating yourself up a bit and maybe a bit as though you don’t like yourself?

You’ve raised children and you’ve been bereaved and then grieving. It’s not essential that you’re aware of everything that’s going on in the world but if you used to be and want to be again you could just start reading a bit about the things which actually interest you. Seriously, anything you might enjoy.

As I said earlier. You are definitely not useless but at the same time you don’t have to spend all of your time being useful. You’re an entire person made up of all sorts of interests, abilities, needs, wants and desires.

Maybe learning to speak kindly about yourself and view yourself as someone who deserves to enjoy a full life will give you some clues as to how you might do that xx

Rummikub · 15/02/2022 00:26

@ChocolateLover2000

I read a while ago on MN that when looking for new hobbies or interests think back to what you enjoyed when you were 10. Chances are, you'll like some version of that now. When I was 10 I spent my time talking to friends, reading and riding my bike. I never stopped doing the first two but gave up on the bike at about 12. Then in lockdown at age 40 I bought a second hand bike on a whim. No surprises, I absolutely love it.
I like this thought. That means craft and reading for me.

Op o stopped watching/ reading the news for over ten years.

Reading Mumsnet really did help me become better informed. And it happened quite quickly.

Rummikub · 15/02/2022 00:28

Would something like learning a language be of interest?
Or maybe even BSL? That could add a dimension to volunteering.

Maria1982 · 15/02/2022 00:33

You mentioned you like travel but don’t feel confident- there are ways around that.

A bit random/niche, but this company organises holidays for blind/partially sighted people , paired up with sighted people.
You would get cheaper travel, and be travelling within a structured group , which might make it feel safer? Sadly currently on pause due to covid , but will restart at some point I’m sure!!
www.traveleyes-international.com/

Just an idea. I know travel is a big one for me, and I don’t want to regret not travelling late in life…if not, as others have said, start with a night somewhere not too far and expand from there. Best of luck.

Doodar · 15/02/2022 00:35

How about this OP? www.u3a.org.uk

Occitane · 15/02/2022 00:40

How about learning a language? And to play an instrument?

whatausername · 15/02/2022 01:03

You said you've lost the ability to concentrate. Concentration is like a muscle, you can gradually build it up the more you practice.

unidentia · 15/02/2022 05:30

You haven't mentioned your age, if you're 50 or under you could join WAY (Widowed and Young). Lots of people who understand what you've gone through.